ageiscool

[ageiscool]

TW: depression and anxiety.

for the last month and a half, your girl has been going thru it. and i know i am so blessed in so many ways. but yeeeeesh this last month and a half was. the. worst. even more than my break up from a few years ago. from may 28 2021:

never ever have i felt this way. this feeling of not wanting to do anything. this feeling of not having any, and i mean any, energy to do anything after work. this feeling of not wanting to interact with anyone. not wanting to do anything but work and sleep. is that normal?

i asked myself if this is what its like to be depressed? to feel anxious? and i really use those words cautiously. but i did ask myself that. and i thought, “ok maybe this is what its like. maybe there is a chemical imbalance.” but like. what the f really triggered it.

i wrote a few years ago that happiness is a choice. that i, personally, need to choose to be happy. i have to tell myself, “i am happy. i choose happiness.” that once i make that conscious choice, basically life will be good and ill be good. but today, i was reminded that sometimes it wont be like that. that sometimes making that conscious choice is not enough. that as much as i want to be happy and put on a smile, its just…hard to do. its hard to fake it til you make it. its hard to be happy. i can surround myself with good friends and vons fried chicken and some soju, but itll just mask these low low feelings. and thats what happened on one sunday afternoon.

damn what the f. help me out lord. desperately seeking you to pull me out of this, i guess, depression. that even tho its hard to make a choice to smile and be happy, help me to still be joyful, at least. (is there a difference even between being happy and joyful?) joyful to be alive. to have the grace to recognize what im feeling.

i started going to therapy cause i just realized that i needed help. like professional help. and i was hesitant to go because of pride and not wanting to pay per session, but those shit feelings were so strong i needed to get out and get help. and my therapist, God bless her, confirmed that i was definitely in a depressed and anxious state. that what i was feeling was valid and enough to seek help. but it was just super cray to hear those words and have them apply to me. i just never would have thought. but as the weeks and sessions went, my load has definitely gotten lighter. and i feel it in an emotional sense. and a physical sense. like i physically feel lighter in my chest. breathing lighter, staying calm.

i know that God is working in me right now cause thats been my deep, deep prayer. to just get outta this funky shit and get back to my normal, extroverted self. and i see it working. im talking more, smiling more, seeing joy and goodness in the little things. therapy is working for me. and im super grateful. and i pray i continue to hold on to God, his promises of peace and hope, and the affirming conversations ive had with my therapist.

theres no timeline for me. if it takes two sessions, great. if it takes twenty, good. until youre in a capable place to feel your emotions, dont stop seeking help. just do you. be you. honestly. and love God. dont worry about anyone or anything else. its so cliche but all those damn quotes you see online are actually true lol. “let go and let God” “live, laugh, love”

friendly reminder to be your bad-ass self age and the boss ass b you are. God made you, you. there is literally no one like you. you are good age. you. are. good.

[ageiscool]

2018.

for the last few weeks, ive been trying to write the perfect post about how my 2018 was. about all the good things, the blessings that happened, which are a lot. all the bad things, which are also a lot. all the lit things. and everything. but i just could not put into words how the past year was for me. and i think it’s because so much happened. like so much. a lot of events. a lot of traveling. a lot of heartache. a lot of healing. brokenness. growth.

one thing i do want to highlight is that last word. growth. no i didnt grow taller lol. but i did grow muscle. (thank you kickboxing lol.) but forreal all the growth that happened over the last 365+ days were pretty immense. literally started the first day of the year with a break up and a broken heart. that was tough. and for the next few months, i stayed in seclusion. away from family. away from friends. away from everything. i pushed a lot of people away during my heartache and i just wanted to cry and wallow in my pain. which i did. for a long time. i even started to believe that, because of that break up, i wasnt loveable. from may 8 2018:

...its hard to even look at myself because of these lies that are being fed to me. that no one loves. no one cares. that im alone. but thats how i feel.

and even after i had finally hung out with my friends, after months of saying no to all the previous invites, i was still sitting in my thoughts of desparation, uncertainty, and wonder. wonder of why we really broke up. (i thought i was good to go since this hangout was already five months after...but i guess i wasnt.)

one of the biggest things to help me move on, was, and i didnt think it was possible, but it was staying busy and choosing to stay busy. choosing to hang out with family. choosing to hang out with friends. i was slowly realizing that 1. it was over. we broke up. thats it. 2. happiness was a choice. i could either choose to wallow. or be happy. 3. i had no other choice but to move on. and once i finally understood all of that, life became easier and a bit more calm. and though thoughts of him and i would creep back into my mind on occasion, i never let it consume me like i had in the beginning. because i was just over feeling ...not like myself.

in september, before the litty birthday weekend lol, i attended a young women’s retreat where i was able to really, really, let go and let God. and ive heard that phrase SO MANY times. and have preached it SO MANY times. but have never really understood it until my heart was broken and and until i was able to give it to the Lord for Him to mend back to how it should be. forgiving, unconditional, peaceful. i had to bring up those shitty feelings of brokenness and lonliness (and more) and face them head on so that i knew exactly what i was giving to the Lord to heal. to fix.

You healed me. You healed me so hard, it’s...it’s unexplainable cause it’s that good. you took my tears. my heartache. my anger. my everything. and youre making me into your masterpiece. TY. for that Lord, i am forever grateful.

i still have those tiny moments of sadness, but i think thats normal and i wont ever justify for what i feel. because its real. but whats amazing is that i can feel those moments of sadness, and still be happy. and still know that i am loved. and still know that i am desired. that i am beloved.

for 2019 Lord, i pray that you never leave me. i pray that i can hold on to the truth that your love is real. that i am wanted. desired. and beloved. i pray that i can be joyful, in spite of heartache and sadness. i pray that i can come to you. that i can put you first. help me father to live a life that pleases you. i will fall, i will fail. help me everyday to get up and choose you once again. increase in me lord so that when people see me, they see you.

ps. to age: dont ever forget how far you’ve come. you were so deep in the lies satan was feeding you, you couldnt even look at yourself. you couldnt even admit how far down you were. but now look. you are confident in the Lord. confident in yourself. knowing that you are loved. you are amazing. you are happy. you are blessed. good job, age. youre doing amazing, sweetie.

[ageiscool]

"how are you doing?"

truly a loaded question. and to answer- im not really sure. i dont really know how i'm doing. i do know that the trials that i am going through with mare being in and out of the hospital is really testing my faith. first few weeks of her being in and out of the hospital, i was begging the Lord to heal her. desparately begging him as i cried. there wasn't much trust, but i was still praying and begging. i just couldnt see her looking so helpless in the hospital. i was listening to worship music all the time to help calm my nerves and listen to the Lord through music. i didnt care about work or anything else. i didnt care that i was going back and forth from the city to ffd. all that mattered was my time with her and my family. the next few weeks, i was becoming numb. another message from my dad saying she has to go back and i took it as like, "okay okay here we go. another visit to the hospital. more tests..." i didnt worry as much about her healing or the outcome. i was becoming more angry with God and was blinded by the fact that my sister is sick. i just didnt want to hear or talk about it anymore. i didnt care. and what made it more frustrating was that i didnt care enough to turn my feelings around and make it better. i never thought i would doubt the Lord and his plan for me and my family. i never thought i would stray away from Him so far that every prayer, good vibe, bible verse, that was sent my way, i dismissed it. i never thought i would be so angry at God that i didn't even want to pray and ask for his help. but even though i was choosing not to pray and choosing not to trust, somehow, the Lord was still working in me and waiting for me to call upon Him. i could still feel Him reaching for me, despite me running away. i could still feel Him molding my heart and softening it to Love and be compassionate again. and even though it was hard for me to pray (the rare times that i did), i was finding myself praying, "help me to pray, even when i dont want to." i dont know where this post is going but some of the things im learning through all of this are: • take it day by day and breathe. • pray, even if its forced. • recognize His love through fam and friends. • life is beautiful struggle. now. do i have true answer to, "how are you doing?" i dont think so. and thats okay. every day is a new day and every day will be completely different. all i pray and ask if that when people ask me, i can smile and say "good" because the Lord loves the broken me.

[ageiscool]

spent most, if not all, of memorial day weekend outdoors with some of my fave peeps and it was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places i've been to. on friday at 415am, we took an hour and 45 minute ferry ride from anacortes to friday harbor in the san juan islands, and it was one of the best decisions (in my opinion) we made during this vacay. we were able to do so much that day! and all of it was unplanned! from hiking at the lime kiln state park, walking along the south beach and then to jackles lagoon...and all of this was before lunch time around noon! it was so beautiful! then finally checking into our airbnb, resting for a bit, and then a sunset cruise to end the day...wow! the weather was forecasted to be gloomy and raining, but it was just the opposite! and i thank you Jesus for creating such a masterpiece. next morning, we did more exploring around friday harbor. went to my first lavender farm and it was really cool! wasnt too much bloomage but it was still pretty nonetheless. then we drove to see some of my fave peeps in bothell! celebrated mass at st. james cathedral in seattle and then we went to the seattle center to do some touristy stuff. ive been to seattle a few times but have never been to seattle center! so much fun there! esp. since there was a folk festival going on! so we walked around the area and ate some typical festival food- garlic fries, deep fried pb&j and deep fried cinnabon with bacon. then ended the day at point ruston in tacoma with our dinner (dicks burgers) and a sunset view. monday...so beautiful. i could not get enough of how gorgeous mt. rainier was, esp. with the snow at the peak. we werent able to hike at paradise cause of the snow, but driving down a bit to hike towards comet falls was still pretty! wasnt the longest trek, but it was kind of intense- the elevation, the different terrains, the sun. but wow, it was so worth it! i was so in awe of the view! when people say, "pictures dont do it justice," i really understand it now cause the pictures i took really dont do it any justice. what a blessed long weekend. my mind was clear and i couldnt think of anything except how beautiful everything was and the fact that i was with some of my fave peeps. i thank you lord for refreshing my mind and my soul. that was amazing and youre amazing.

[ageiscool]

The 365 day challenge.

First. Happy easter! Thank you Jesus for dying and resurrecting for me- your daughter, a sinner, a runaway. Thank you Jesus for loving me so hard to the point of death. For choosing me when I decide to choose something or someone else. Thank you Jesus.

Second. Because today is easter, a new beginning, rather then the end of Lent, I’ve decided to do something super radical. Because following Jesus requires us to be radical- love and pray for our enemies, not be judgemental, etc. And what I’ve decided to do is…1 . 2 . 3…give up alcohol for a year. 365 days starting today.

I used to think that to give up something, or start something, you needed to do it gradually. But I’ve learned that you just need to do it! That I just need to do it.

For me. I am just so over the way I act when I get drunk. I say things I shouldnt. I do things I shouldnt. I spend way too much money. I’m all over the place. And then when I wake up the next morning recalling the night, I end up living that day in regret because of the hurt I may have cause through my words or actions.

To anyone I may have unintentionally hurt, please know that I am sorry. I'm sorry for saying things that hurt you. I'm sorry for breaking your trust. I'm sorry.

This will be hard. Because I like to drink. I like to be the life of the party. But if I really want to follow Jesus and live a life of love and peace, this needs to happen. And I’m kinda scared doing this because it sucks being the sober one when you go out, but whatever. I can do this. I can be sober and have a grand time wherever I go or whatever I do.

Cheers (with water) to the next 365 days.

[ageiscool]

Everyday choices.

Last summer, I decided to “turn my life around” and #striveforhappinessandholiness. From my teenage years until now, I’ve always wanted to be happy and holy. And when I decided to “turn my life around,” I really tried to make clear and conscious decisions that would lead me to happiness and holiness. 

There were days that I succeeded, days that I failed. Days where I could have made a clear effort to become holy. Days where I could have steered right and became happy. Days where I could have spent the hour with Jesus instead of at the bar. Days where I could have been more grateful instead of complaining. Lots of days where I could have done this and could have done that.

But I’ve been realizing, through myself and my friends, that my hashtag is slight wrong. It needs some rewording. It’s not about striving to be holy or striving to be happy. It’s about choosing to be holy. And choosing to be happy. I make choices everyday of my life. And those choices can either make me holy or unholy. Happy or unhappy. And I am choosing to be holy. I am choosing to be happy. I will choose to be happy. I will choose to be grateful. I will choose to love every day of my life. I will choose to love those even if they choose to not love me. I will choose to be holy. 

With these radical choices, I ask you, Lord, and the people reading this, to pray for me. As I embark on a new journey to always choose to love. To always choose to be happy. To always choose to be holy. As always, I will fail. I am human. But when those bad days come my way, I pray I can still be happy. And still be grateful. And still have love within me.

[ageiscool]

Part three | Paint. Painted the town red a lot these last four months of 2015. Went out a lot, drank and ate a lot, danced a lot, made a lot of fantab memories with some great people. • Hikes, runs, and bike rides. • 27th birthday celebrations. • Goodbye to Tito Joel. • Vegas again…but for FCJC NPG. • Lights Festival and Oktoberfest. • Happy hours and happy nights. • Michi visit for Mari. • Birthday celebrations in November. • Christmas with friends and family.

[ageiscool]

Part two | Parties. Spring and summertime in 2015 were amazing. Had so much fun with some of the best people. • Wedding of the century: Ced and Rose. • #agesgetaway to Santa Monica. • Dominican Republic for a week. • Seattle for Hydie's bach. • My best friends' wedding! • Santa cruz to see Baelani. • Tahoe for Cris and Bert's bridal party.

[ageiscool]

Part one | Preparations. Started the year off with a lot of planning and preparing. A lot of organizing and a lot of spending. • LA/Vegas trip with the guys. • Laudate retreat. • Vegas again for Rose's bachelorette. • Tea party bridal shower for Rose.

[ageiscool]

2015 | Year of the new.

Did so much this year and all I could think about was how much money I spent! There was even a point where I was really stressed and anxious about how much I spent in such a short amount of time. But where the money went, was all worth it. Because I made some of the best memories with some of the best people. Can't thank God enough for blessing me this year. For giving me the strength to persevere through some tough times. For giving me the funds to do all that I did! For loving me when I chose not to love Him. For forgiving me when I pushed Him aside. For showing me love through my family and friends. For pulling me back when I wanted to stray away. Excited to see what the Lord has in store for me in 2016. Will definitely try my best to chill out on the yolo spending and yolo life. Will try to be more with the Lord in the silence and stillness. Will try to be more grateful and see the good in everything and everyone. Cheers to 2016!

[ageiscool]

Just be still (Part II).

I desperately wanna know where my life is headed and what my purpose is on this earth. I wanna know what my passions are and where that will lead me. I wanna who I’m meant to be. And as a twenty-seven year old approaching “real” adulthood, I want my unknowns to be answered right now. I want answers now. And being being part of this generation, quick answers are what we want. 

But recently I’ve learned and realized that won’t happen. I have a good/steady job. Amazing friends. I live in the city with my cousins/nieces. I’m making good memories with my family and friends. Why am I complaining? Why do I feel like I need to do more? Maybe what I’m doing is more than enough than I realize. I just need to be still and know that the Lord is guiding me. I need to just keep doing what I’m doing and when the time is right for a new door to open, it will open. When the time is right for me start a new chapter, the Lord will make it obvious. 

Just be still. I pray I continue to see you Lord in everything I do and say. I know it will be difficult and I will fall. But please, please pick me up. And hold me so tight like a mother with her newborn. Please walk with me and never leave me. Help me to grasp on to you when I feel myself straying away from your love and plan for me. Give me the grace to be receptive of your love. Help me to rest in You. You are perfect. You’re amazing.

[ageiscool]

What is my passion.

Five years ago when I was going to SJSU, I wrote about how as a graphic designer, I needed to be so consumed in it. I needed to marinate in design. Understand the principles. Constantly find inspo. And just design, design, design. Where sleep didn't matter. And I thought graphic design was my passion. That's why I wanted to immerse myself into everything "graphic design."

Fast forward a few years, I'm at The Art Institute studying what I thought was an extension of my passion: web design and interactive media. When I was enrolling, I was thinking, "Okay. I love design. I love the web. This is perfect. Go." And two years later, I'm coming out with a BS in web design and interactive media and a dream job at the Gap HQ in the city as a web designer for Gap Japan Online. And after two years of working there, I'm finally realizing that graphic design/web design is not my passion. This is my job. This is what pays the bills. I have an amazing team, flexible schedule, good benefits, its all good! #blessed. But just really thinking about it, do I really wanna spend the rest of my life doing what I think is my passion or do I wanna spend it actually doing my passion? And what is my passion? I don't really know. What I do know is that I love people and I love to serve. I love to interact. I love making people smile and making an impact on their lives. I just get so much joy out of that. 

It's a privilege to do what you love. To do your passion. Feel like a lot of people get stuck in their jobs and forget what they really love doing. They get so consumed in making money and just getting to the top that they forget to stop and ask, "Is this what I love? Is this where I'm meant to be?"

I don't work to feel like work. If it feels like "work," I need to get out of there. I want my job to be something I love doing. And I want it to not feel like the standard 9-5pm. First things first: find your passion. (I believe you’re leading me there, Lord. Just need to persevere!)

[ageiscool]

(Just a few selects from the bunch.)

I have been wanting to celebrate my birthday this way for a few years now! And I have, more recently, fallen in love with being outdoors and just being on the water and being surrounded by nature and God’s creation. And I finally made it happen with some very blessed people.

To be surrounded not just by an amazing view but by the love of these people was just really nice. And I’m so grateful that I can turn to these people for pretty much anything, shot of henny included. #thankyoujesus

Thank you to my family + friends for being there for me. For making sure I didn’t fall overboard. For laughing with me. For wearing white. For having fun with eachother. My worlds collided and I’m just so happy everyone got along and had a good time together.

The view of San Francisco is amazing, but these people’s love + friendship is even more amazing.

*Note to self: rent a yacht next time so you can play your own music and provide as much food and drinks as you want.

[ageiscool]

#ageis27

Tuesday was such an emotional day. I woke up feeling blessed to have been given another year by the Lord. Feeling good that I made it to 27. But I was also feeling out of it knowing my uncle had died in the early hours that day.

I got to work and was greeted by a lot of well wishes and “happy birthdays!” and was feeling very grateful, but it was hard for me to accept, knowing I was dealing with the loss of my uncle. Walked to the bathroom, went to the furthest stall, faced the corner, and just cried. From feeling so overwhelmed with so many emotions- happiness, sadness, gratefulness, regretfulness.

Tried to get on with the day, but I was shaking and just could not focus. I even planned to leave early in the day to just be with family. But I thought, there’s nothing I can do except pray for his soul and be happy that I made it to 27. And that’s what I did. I stayed at work. Got a lot of things done. Realized that, though my uncle was gone, was no longer in pain. Realized that I have good people in my life. Realized that I am loved and I am blessed.

Day went on and at the end of it, I had taken three shots of black henny in 20 minutes, cried profusely in front of my girls at work (much needed), had a drunk uber ride to my family dinner, ate super good sushi, and thanked Jesus. And as much as I wanted to not celebrate me and my life and just be with my family, I couldn’t escape the blessings God was handing to me through my coworkers, friends, and family. He is so good. #thankyoujesus

I feel like this is my year. Feel like this is gonna be a good year for me as I learn more about myself, my friends, my likes, my dislikes, my everything. Feel like the Lord is gonna reveal so much to me and I am quite excited. Scared, but more excited.

I will do my best to wake up every day feeling grateful for the chance to make my life the best that it can be. I will do my best to love the unlovable. To forgive those who hurt me, even if they don’t deserve it. I will do my best to live out the gospel and to share the Lord’s love with everyone I encounter. I will do my best to continue to strive for happiness and holiness.

Father, everything good in my life is from You. And I thank you so much for loving me so hard that You sent your only Son for me. Thank you for another birthday. I love you. And am forever grateful.

Part II (phots) will be up soon.

[ageiscool]

September 22nd.

• Welcome Pope Francis to the US. • Rest in eternal peace, Tito Joel. • Happy 27th birthday to me. A lot of emotions right now don't really know how to feel, but Jesus I still thank you. And I'll still praise you in every circumstance.

[ageiscool]

Man…I am just so over feeling so down and unloved. And just in a matter of minutes did it take me to get over that. Is that normal? I feel like I should be feeling “unloved” for a few days and then will I see the truth that I am loved. But did it really only take a few minutes for the Lord to work and make me realize that I am loved and that He LOVES me?!…Me! A sinner. A runaway.

So bizarre. But God I know you work in mysterious ways and I know this is you working in me. This is you telling me you love me! And I am so grateful that You have revealed your light to me when I so desperately needed it and needed you.

This is confirmation that You are listening to me. Right now. You’re amazing. Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me.

[ageiscool]

Why why why.

Ugh. Just one of those times when I feel unloved, when I know deep down I am loved! But why do I feel unloved? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just accept the Lord's love fully? Why am I so closed off and so guarded? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I have amazing people in my life who love and care for me? Idk idk idk. We had a household meeting last night at 48 and my cousin said something that made me really think about my relationships with my friends. She spoke about how she puts effort into her friendships and tries hard to understand them, etc. And it made me think- am I putting effort into knowing my friends? Or am I just here for a good time? Do I care enough to value their stories, struggles, triumphs, etc? Father I am begging you to console me. I am begging you to help me become a better and sincere friend. I am begging you to overflow your love in me so that I have no choice but to feel you. I am desparate. I need you.