ahuman-disaster

[ahuman-disaster]

ok... cis male, tall and lanky, brown hair that i always hide under my hat (i don't leave anywhere without it!), italian/japanese, kind of a nervous wreck, terrified of ghosts and my fav color is green!

aw omg would date u sound adorable

[ahuman-disaster]

me: hey can you make dopamine and serotonin

my brain:

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Because there are always pregnant people, the average number of skeletons in a body is higher than one

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‪What part of “i don’t wanna spend anymore money” don’t I understand

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members of the gang ranked by how likely it is that they’re a serial murderer

charlie: definitely killed one of the kids that stole mac’s bike, was gonna cut a little person’s throat w a razor, tried to eat a homeless kid, ripped santa’s neck open 9/10

dee: probably killed multiple people while on steroids, planned on killing dennis AND frank, also tried to eat a homeless kid, set that bitch on fire that one time 8/10

mac: has certainly put his thumb through someone’s eye at some point, likes to choke people in anger, also definitely killed one of the kids that stole his bike 6/10

dennis: possibly killed the guy who shushed him, would probably have a collection of skin luggage if it weren’t for the smell 5/10

frank: first instinct in any situation is to pull a gun out, likely responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people in vietnam 10/10

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this is the best one

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‘dad bod’ is just ‘bear’ in Straight

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do it for her (amelia “mia” mignonette thermopolis renaldi, queen of genovia)

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You don’t have to fake orgasm to help your partner’s ego. The guy I lost my virginity to wrote a play about the experience, and the character based on me gave a monologue about how she regretted sleeping with him because no one else would ever be that good. So, yeah. Just tell him you didn’t cum. 

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just lost my mcfreakin mind on a conference call bc someone’s email was their first initial and full last name and it spelled m.othman

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Imagine showing this video to someone 6 months ago

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date a boy who hates coleslaw date a boy who never lets coleslaw near you date a boy who will chuck a bowl of coleslaw across the room if someone puts it near you

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I know I just called you dude but I’m trying to flirt with you