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[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

for a moment, I thought I saw you in the crowd.

sometimes a familiar brow bone. other times, the complexion of your skin.

maybe the nape of your neck. maybe the shape of your forearms

maybe your fingertips? no no, not quite. never your smile. never your eyes. Something I can look for, but will never find. Nothing so spectacular.

You are the hurricane, and everyone else can only amount to drizzle

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

I have never grieved the past, until recently. And now all I do is grieve

Although I can firmly say that I haven’t took a moment for granted. All the good times I’ve experienced, I had recognized that they were good times. and even during the moments, I would realize how much I would miss them. I don’t grieve missed opportunities. I grieve how impossibly out of reach it has become to feel even remotely the same as I did back then.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

in another universe we come together and travel at the speed of light on a blimp. Your hair is the colour is was when you were 4, and I am as tall as a windmill. You don’t have any scars and I don’t have any lines. We get younger the more we eat, but grow wiser then longer we exist. There is no before or after, only now.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

You only appear for as short as a blink, but I can still smell you for days. I wonder if you even exist at all

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

Im convinced we are connected by an invisible thread and can feel the tug of the other, even in our sleep

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

I loved you most today. I’ll love you more tomorrow. And it’ll be like that forever

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

I’m trying to learn that everything is a gift. I could have had nothing. The sky could have always been cloudy. I could have been born a bug or a bird, but I’ve been born human- and out of all the humans, I was lucky enough to be born as myself- surrounded by the family and friends, who only I have. Everything is a gift. The love I receive is a gift. I am not entitled to it, nor have I done anything to earn it. Those who love me are on their own journeys- busy living & learning to live, with all their struggles & hardships- I am grateful for whatever love they dedicate to me. Any time, any affection, any attention, any love given to me, is a blessing. 

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

Turn of the decade in a month. The decade I’ve anticipated my whole life. The decade I get married, have children, settle down, have a career. I’m thankful to know you before this decade. I want you and only you. You are leaving this country in a month, which means I’ll have to begin the decade without you, despite this decade being about you. About us. At least I hope. Through all the obstacles I’ve faced in my life, this will be the most difficult emotionally- especially with graduation on the line. This will also be one of the toughest obstacle of our relationship. This will either hurt us, break us, or make us strong enough to face the future with certainty. I can’t handle you leaving, even for a day, I want to die at the end of every night. That’s no way to live. I hope this new period grants us grace and ease and clarity. I hope I find independence and contentment. I hope we are better for each other.

We argue too much. More than we should. This missing and fear of the future is making us aggressive.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

October 23 2019

We spent the day studying at school. We talk a lot and I’m glad because I usually worry about us not having things to talk about. We talk about important things like family dynamics and children, and how we would be the people who made it a priority to have make our homes a safe & healing place for our families.

it’s getting dark and cold and I want a poutine from Popeyes. We take it to the second floor of the student centre and we continue our deep conversations. In the midst of it, you open up your email and freeze. You make me come over and read it- you got the job. You are ecstatic and overwhelmed. You call your mom & she tells you how proud of you she is. Your happy tears turn to sad tears, and then happy tears and then sad tears. I hold you and kiss your shoulder. My heart aches for you. You precious being, you deserve all the love and peace in the world. I wipe your tears away and you tell me that today is the first day to the future, and this job means you can go through with *everything*.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

October 17 2019

A week is gone, we go downtown on a cold evening. I meet you there after your interview. We eat from a hotdog stand, you’re in a suit, it’s a scene. We go to the mall but there’s nothing to do. I take you to the bookshop (because I’ve always found that romantic). We sneak kisses between the shelves, the mall is dark from night and has a cozy vibe. You get a call from the interviewers saying they really liked you and the COO wants to talk to you. We’re so happy it’s like a dream. We forget where we are and who is around us and just embrace the moment, knowing it would be precious and memorable. You keep picking me up and spinning me around upstairs in the indigo. This is what you’ve been waiting for and working for, this is what your future depends on, and here we are together, one step closer. We go to the harbour later, giggling and hinting at a future where we are together, a future which seems closer and closer. It’s night time on the harbour and we kiss and kiss. The city lights glimmering, the boats against the docks. It’s a dream. Relief in your voice. I’d do anything to keep you happy like that. We kiss a lot that day, carelessly. Even on public transit. Both in a dream- realizing its not a dream- realizing that it is becoming real with every day.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

Life’s really got you down. It’s autumn and suddenly colder. The dread won’t let you live, won’t let you work, won’t let you do anything but sleep or dread. I hold you for hours outside on a bench in the cold in silence. You are all my heart, I would do anything to put you at ease.

your eyes and face have swelled up. The Day comes and goes. I want to be able to hold you and keep you safe. You’re different forever in my eyes- different in a way where you hold a place in my heart that I could have never imagined a person to hold.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

days I should record. days I’ll always remember

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

It’s October and the sun only sines in an angle on the days it doesn’t rain. There are three layers between the sun and my room and yet it still managed to seep through. I am grateful for this persistence. I’ve been grateful for everything lately. I’ve recognized my privilege. I am more stable than I have been for months.

This stable state of mind is making me more persistent for you as well. You are in the darkest time of your life, you don’t have the privileges I have. This new found stability & gratefulness has expanded my heart for you. I want to love you over and over again. I want to be good to you and good for you. I want to be the ease you need. My heart keeps expanding for you. I have seen the side of you I’ve never seen before. I am in awe struck at your courage and your wisdom. I want you forever, in any form of yourself that you may show me.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

We aren’t chemical bonds- the heat kept us stable. We fall apart with every degree that drops.

I would do anything for you. We aren’t chemical bonds. I won’t let the weather or a number or define us. I would rather argue with you all day than turn to someone else.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

You are both bold and shy. You are both joker and deeply emotional. I am still trying to figure out how one person could be so perfectly put together. I wouldn’t change anything about you. You are demanding, you are understanding. You are the challenge I love facing. I would do anything to keep you safe.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

it’s July and it never rains. It’s just heat. From sunrise to sunset. Around us. Between us. We spend every hour of sunlight together. Sometimes 3 hour night sleeps and 13 hour days together. We are obsessed with each other or at each other’s throats, no in between. It’s humid and we are damp. You are the sun. Bright & beautiful, but sometimes blinding, but sometimes glaring. I think I love you. You are the light, but you cast a shadow. I admire all of it.

[ahurricanefromthebatofabutterfly]

there’s safety in rain. No one’s outside, but us. Us, the only people who do not sugar coat or hide away away. We embrace truth, we embrace the world. No matter how uncomfortable.