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aimlessadulting · 9 months

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The Ackerbond Chapter 5 (Part Two): The Ackerbond Grieves

Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Warnings: Grieving process, nightmareish scenes, SMUT, oral (f!receiving), body worship (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving), Levi cumming untouched cuz man is pussy whipped, just a lot of sad shit in this chapter.

A/N: it’s sad yo.

Thank yous go to!!!! The wonderful beta-crew @peace-for-levi @levmada AND @poisonpeche , y’all are serious doing me a solid here, cuz idfk what i would do without y’all <3

Taglist: @levmada @awesomeness1679 @purplecandygerl @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @pluvio-pluto @midnightbarnes97 @aresclouds @imkumichan @xxpadfootxx @cmjh3 @justa19 @notgoodforlife @leviackermanmyhero245 @kaea-peverall @jakillski @macaronnv @natalie-skz @oldtownwonderland @snailsposts @lunardeiity @clusiesuzie @hi-imkaiya @isabellawigginss @ackermandick @orionsalos @disaster-writer @temariskadi @nariko1989 @elizaack @dixie-chick @death-by-bullseye @leviackermanst @poisonpeche @arcticcashew @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @littleagxs @wall-maria-fritz

The second Levi slid from his horse, the search was on. Limping frantically through the ranks of the injured and the dead, he searched for you, all the while pleading for you down the bond. Eyes wild, breath stuttering, his ankle in screaming agony, he searched for you until he found not you, but Hange.

“Have you seen her?” Hange whirled to the sound of his desperate voice, tilting their head in confusion.

“Who?”

Levi managed to choke out your name, but Hange’s expression fell sombre. Solemn. As if they were already grieving. “Levi… Your squad are–”

“I know about my fucking squad, she wasn’t with them. If you haven’t seen her, quit wasting my time.” He hissed, limping away to continue his search. He didn’t care if Hange figured it out. Didn’t care if that famous dawning of realisation had settled on their features as he stormed away. He reached out through the bond again, pounding on that wall between you, screaming your name. You couldn’t be lost. You couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t bear that. So many things Levi has managed to deal with. So many things he’s worked through, fought through, spent his life dedicating towards. He couldn’t lose you. Not you.

‘Think of it as life finally paying its debt back to you. You get to spend the rest of your life with a really hot soulmate. That’s me by the way, hi.’

He refused to entertain the tears that pricked his eyes, your smile blinding his mind’s eye. You were supposed to be with him for the rest of his life. You were supposed to be by his side. He hadn’t told you he loved you. You left him before he could. Another permanent spear to his heart, your name engraved in the steel.

There were too many people around to scream, though his lungs burned with the urge. His legs were barely capable of holding him up as he stopped by the bloodsoaked line of four bodies. Four familiar lumps of nothing beneath canvas wraps. He let his knee buckle, landing heavily on the grass before his fallen friends. You were missing. You weren’t with them. Where the hell were you? At least the universe could answer him that. Could at least offer him that closure.

‘Don’t let go.’

That’s what you pleaded to him that day. The day the spark between you caught alight. It had been growing ever since into the scorching blaze of the bond. He promised you he wouldn’t. He would never let go of you. Even now you’re gone, he wouldn’t let go. Bloodied hands holding the fraying rope tying you to him. He would never let go of you.

Taking a knife from his boot, he severed the Wings of Freedom patch from the nearest body, knowing from a quick glance it was Petra’s. Though he knew he would have to take Eld’s as well. Even if you weren’t coming back to him, he had to take it for you. For the next time he would see you. He’d carry it with him when he joined you.

His heart tore at his throat.

Struggling back to his feet, Levi let himself take a strangled breath, his windpipe swollen in grief. He didn’t want to acknowledge somebody was awaiting his attention behind him. He just wanted the world to melt away. Just wanted to collapse back into your arms. But that would never happen again.

“Captain Levi, Sir?” The man behind him sounded no older than a teen, and no more timid than a baby rabbit. Voice trembling as he fought to address the grieving captain. Levi would feel sorry for him if he had more pity to spare.

“What?”

He cleared his throat. “Section Commander H-Hange mentioned y-you were looking for someone? They sent s-some of their squad looking and we think we’ve found her, Sir.” Levi didn’t dare hope. Didn’t dare dream. He hadn’t even been told whether you were alive yet. Didn’t even know for sure if it was you. But, despite himself, his breathing picked up.

“Where?”

“In the m-medical tent, sir. The field m-medics are doing what they can.” He didn’t want to know what that meant, didn’t mean to push past this trembling soldier as he limped a beeline towards the temporary tent, all the while trying not to get his hopes up. It might not be you. It might not be you.

It might not be you.

…

Holy fucking Walls, it was you.

Caked in dried blood and filth, it was you, clear as day. Your chest rising in shallow puffs, your eyes sealed closed. But you were here. You were alive. Various lacerations tore at your clothes and flesh, and he could see where they’d had to cut away your wires, but he couldn’t give less of a shit at this moment.

You were fucking breathing.

He assumed that your unconscious state must be obstructing the bond, trusting that the wall would fall away when you came back to consciousness. He didn’t know how he managed to assume any of this, not when he could barely comprehend the fact you hadn’t left him. He slowly limped over, terrified that if he moved too fast, he’d awaken from this hallucination and you wouldn’t be there. But even as his legs gave out and he fell to his knees, you didn’t fade away. Regardless of all the eyes in the tent, he took your dirty, bloody hand in his own, and pressed a shaky kiss to your knuckles.

He didn’t care, couldn’t give less of a damn, that you were still grimy from the field. Not when his fingers felt your pulse on your wrist. He finally, finally loosened his grip a fraction on his composure, letting slip as many tears as he could spare. He didn’t want to cry over you being alive, but he’d never felt such overwhelming relief in his life. So many times grief had played with his heart, it was such a strange sensation to feel it enveloped by hope.

Smoothing back your matted locks, Levi couldn’t help but think you looked too peaceful like this. He knew you were alive, he knew you were breathing, but it was just… too familiar. He was so lost in his head he didn’t notice the medic hovering around your body, bandages and sutures in hand. She cleared her throat meekly, bringing him back to reality.

“‘Scuse me, Captain. I, uh, sorry– I just need to take a look at her, sir.” He knew the cuts about your arms and legs would need seeing to, knew you likely had a few nasty bruises that would need salves, but the thought of leaving you after he’d found you again… it was something he was willing to consider. Though he shuffled back slightly, keeping his hand in yours to allow the medic to do her work.

“Do it then.” He didn’t look up, eyes glued to your chest in case your breathing were to slow or cease completely. But when she didn’t get to work, Levi looked up in irritated confusion. You needed help. Why wasn’t she helping you?

“You’re making a few of the soldiers nervous, sir. It’s, uh, not good for recovery.”

Levi sighed heavily, despising the effect he had on people. “Then is there anywhere more private we can go?” He asked, unable to tame the defeat from his tone. She looked uneasily from his face to the tent entrance. Levi knew what she wanted, what she needed from him, but it was out of the question. “She’s the last remaining member of my squad. I’m not leaving her side.”

Her gaze rapidly oscillated between you and him, as if trying to see past a puzzle, before understanding dawned in her eyes. Levi looked back down to you, squeezing your hand lightly. He just wanted you to wake up now. Whilst seeing you alive was more than he could ever ask for, he wanted you back with him.

“I can take her to the medical supplies tent. It’s not ideal, but it’s away from everyone else.” She spoke a little softer now, more gently. Levi knew she’d guessed at that point, but nodded anyway. It was dangerous to pick you up. He knew it was. But honestly? In light of recent events? He didn’t trust anyone else to do it. Hooking his elbows beneath your knees, he hoisted you into his embrace, his other arm cradled around your back. He hoped to the fucking Walls this wasn’t the last time he would carry you like this.

It wasn’t too far, only a short hobble to the white canvas opposite, where he lay you down gingerly, wary of your slashed flesh and obvious injuries. The medic looked impressed as she knelt next to you, already laying out her tools on one of the various crates. It took a little more effort for Levi to descend comfortably, his ankle barking agony in protest as he sat up against a box, retaking your hand in his.

Though he fucking hated seeing you like this, he couldn’t help but feel grateful you were unconscious as the first prick of the needle slid through the tender skin around the laceration on your thigh. This was better than seeing you in visible discomfort. It was quite methodical, rhythmic almost, in the way she punctured and pulled, sewing the most serious gash closed stitch by stitch.

The comfort was broken by the smallest tap in his chest. He stopped breathing, needing complete silence to confirm what he both hoped and dreaded.

He thought he was going insane for a few charged moments, before he felt it again. Two this time. The beginnings of a pulse. A dull ache made itself known in his side and back, growing with the rhythm of the heartbeat. Your heartbeat, right there next to his. You were coming round. Levi winced as various strips of his skin burned fire, noticing how they corresponded to the lashes on your body. This thigh screamed agony as his heart leapt in his chest.

–...’Vi?–

The medic tilted her head as Levi canted forward to you, cupping your cheek in his palm and smoothing over your filthy brow.

–I’m here. I’m with you, I’m right here.– He soothed, casting a throwaway glance to the confused soldier. “She’s waking up.” He said as a way of explanation. And as if on cue, your features scrunched in discomfort, and you opened your bleary eyes.

Everything hurt. You didn’t even know it was possible for this many things to hurt. Your back, your ribs, your arms, legs, chest. Your chest specifically. Something felt torn inside. Shredded and left to hang loose. Trying to move, you found yourself locked in place, both by pain, and a hand firm against your shoulder.

“Don’t.” Levi whispered, shifted so he could gently place your head in his lap. You winced slightly, but made no more sounds as your eyes focused on his face, desperately searching his expression. Your memory was clouded, disjointed like a fractured mirror.

“Where’s the squad?” You managed to choke out through your scratchy voice, throat like sandpaper from disuse. “Eld, is he–?” Levi looked away, and you read everything he needed to tell you.

Fuck, this pain was unbearable. In his body, in his chest. His heart ripped in three, once for you, and again for your grief. He could tell you couldn’t quite remember what happened. Not yet. But you would. Like with your past, your mind couldn’t shelter you forever. Sooner or later, you were going to crack, and he would honestly rather it be sooner than later.

“What do you remember?” He asked softly, smoothing your cheekbone with his thumb as you fought your memory.

“I– There was a scream. But not a human one, a titan one. Like Eren’s but, different,” you started, and Levi already knew where you were. When the Female called for backup. “I wanted to go back, but Eld told me it was okay. You were okay. That was when you told me she’d escaped, and she was likely a shifter. We kept going, but Gunther c–” You stopped, that sickening squelch of metal through flesh ringing in your ears as you started to remember. “Gunther– he… whoever it was cut cleanly through his throat. He was dead before we could even turn around.”

You needed to distance yourself. Separate your emotions from your memories. This was a necessary recounting of events, no matter how painful it was. You locked it away, all your pain, all your grief, and continued.

“We told Eren to keep going. That we could handle it. Turns out we couldn’t. We’d managed to take out her eyes and render her limbs useless, but we underestimated her. We were going for the neck when her eye opened again. I was out of sync. It was my fault he–” this was something you couldn’t bury. The blood coating your body wasn’t yours.

“He died saving my life. I was dead. Now I’m not. But I should be. Maybe I am.” Managing short sentences was about as much as you could do right now. Everything just felt so numb. “He had so much blood. So… there was so much. I didn’t even… There was so much. She spat him out. Like he tasted bad. Maybe he did.”

Levi didn’t know what to do. You seemed so far away despite sitting right in front of him. Your emotions confused him. There was nothing coming from you. He couldn’t feel anything now. You were completely empty again. You were empty last time because you truly became vacant. But you were still here. You were still present and responsive.

You were just feeling nothing.

“I’m sorry–”

“This wasn’t your fault–”

“–you’ve felt like this before. I know what you meant now. I never felt like I should have died with Ilse, because I could have saved her. But I shouldn’t be here now,” you paused, and the next time you spoke, Levi’s blood froze. “How is this fair?”

He couldn’t answer. Not when every answer he had for you was selfish. ‘Because you’re still here. You’re still with me. We still have each other. I wouldn’t have continued without you. I couldn’t.’

Whether you heard him or not, you didn’t show, and Levi didn’t know what he hoped for.

“What do we do now…?”

His resolve cracked there and then. He’d refrained from holding you in case it triggered some kind of reaction, but hearing you sound so broken, so defeated tore him to pieces. The medic silently kept working, though you showed nothing of the pain he was feeling and gritting his teeth against. Maybe you were too numb to feel anything right now.

“We keep fighting for them. We move forward. And we don’t look back.”

“Levi…?” It was Hange behind him, but instead of dread in his heart, he found relief. At least he wouldn’t have to try and tell them now. He barely separated from you as he looked up, planting a gentle kiss to your forehead before meeting their eyes properly.

He found not Hange’s smile of overexcited glee, but rather their brows pinched in soft understanding. They must have suspected something beforehand, since they looked instead like something had just been confirmed.

“What?”

“Erwin’s ordered we head out and return to Trost. The expedition has been considered a failure.”

Levi’s chest ignited with a fury that didn’t belong to him. Whipping his head down to you, he could see it in your firelight gaze as you fought to stay lying down.

“The fuck do you mean a failure? Just what exactly did we set out to do here? Get half the fucking regiment murdered and then return?” You were shaking again, but not out of shock. Out of pure, unbridled rage. “Tell me they died for a reason.”

You raised your glare to Hange, a sick satisfaction found in their speechlessness. “Fucking tell me. Say it. Go on!”

Levi placed a placating hand back on your shoulder. You shrugged it off, managing to rise into a sitting position against the wishes of the suddenly frantic medic. “You can’t, can you? You can’t, because they died for no fucking reason. We didn’t gain anything from this. You and the Commander think you can just throw bodies at a problem and solve it. But it just results in more fucking death!”

Your head was pounding now, blood roaring in your ears as you unleashed yoru grieving rage, the sacrifices they made for apparently no fucking reason. You’d lived. You’d lived. And you hated everything for it.

“Stop it. You’re not thinking straight. You need to—” Levi instantly knew it was the wrong move the second you staggered to your feet, whirling to him.

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me to calm down. Don’t you fucking dare. Tell me they didn’t die in vain. Either of you. You can’t, so don’t fucking tell me to stop just because I’m bold enough to say what everyone else is fucking thinking!” you spat, seething venom at your two superiors, pointing an accusational at Hange. “Your fucking trap failed—”

“That’s enough.” Levi tried.

“And you LEFT US.”

A splitting pain cracked through your skull, your vision flashing white as you were taken back to the moment you almost died.

Although you did. Eld didn’t get to you in time, and it was your body severed in two. Your blood showering a screaming Eld. Your torso spat out like rotten food. The series of events that would have happened had Levi not stepped in. What would have happened had he not entrusted your protection to the blonde.

Levi saw it too, cradling his head with his hand as the pain subsided and his vision returned. You were standing, wide-eyed, your palm braced against your temple as Hange looked between you, utterly baffled.

But he knew what had happened. You’d doubted. Again.

Your arm fell limp by your side as you processed. And processed, and processed. Everything playing in your head like a storybook.

You felt Levi go to take your hand, but you jerked it away. You couldn’t. Not here. Not yet. Maybe soon. But not yet.

“Why didn’t you tell me? The plan. You knew and you didn’t tell me. Why?” You demanded, your voice shaking.

Levi looked to Hange, lost in his answer. “I– It wouldn’t have been fair. None of the other’s knew.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was just an ‘other’ to you.” The venom you were spitting burned holes in his chest, his heart hissing and cringing with the pain.

“You know that’s not true.” He tried quietly.

“Do I? Because it sure as shit looks that way. And I’ll be sure to remember it the next time you abandon your fucking squad and leave them to die.

“You ask me if I trust you. Let me turn the question around. Do you trust me?” Your eyes held a desperate, burning anger he’d only seen in extreme situations, and never towards him. It rendered him completely voiceless. The pain only worsened when your expression shifted to utter, soul-shattering heartbreak as he didn’t respond, and showed no signs of answering.

“Then I’m not sorry.” You whisper.

Levi felt like he’d been physically struck by you, too stunned to go after you as you barely limped from the tent, hand cradling your busted side. The wall between you had crumbled away, and now Levi could see, clear as day, what was happening. Though as if through frosted glass. He couldn’t get to you. Everything comforting sensation he tried to send through the bond fell flat, rejected, against the new barrier.

Your heart still beat in his chest, but it was out of rhythm. Out of sync, not for the first time today.

He didn’t know. He couldn’t tell if you genuinely blamed him. But after seeing your death? He actually thought you did. He couldn’t feel you well enough to be sure, but he wouldn’t blame you if you did. It was partly his fault. He should have been faster in replenishing. He should have returned back to you quicker. He should have checked in more after your initial exchange. He should have fucking told you.

Maybe if he had they’d still be alive, and you wouldn’t have shut him out.

“Levi—”

“She’s got a point.”

It was Hange’s turn to provide the comforting shoulder grab. “She doesn’t. Armin thinks he has an idea, but wants to be back at HQ when he says it. He thinks he knows who the Female is.”

Levi wished you were around to have heard that. He wished you would have lingered around long enough to hear that. But he didn’t blame you, once again.

You’d just lost your best friends. Your support system. All of them were gone.

And it was his fault.

The wall of the barracks shook as you slammed your door. You found comfort in your rage, found comfort in the way your split knuckles pummelled the wood, satisfaction found in the splinters. Tearing at bed-sheets, ripping at your own clothes, you lost yourself to your pain. You couldn’t feel anything, but you could feel everything. Your throat tearing as you scream, pulling down the dresser until the mirror shattered to pieces, fragments of sharp glass scattering across the floor dragged you up and down into terror.

Knees cracked as your legs buckled, scrambling back into the dark corner of the room, you awaited her voice. Awaited her punishment. Your ribs seared as you dragged your knees up to your chest, trembling in fear. Nothing made sense. You could barely tell where you were, stuck somewhere between the nightmare of your head and the nightmare of reality. You held yourself until the ringing stopped, and all you could hear was your own pathetic sniffling.

You gained enough courage to raise your head, eyes catching on a loose wad of silky cloth splayed onto the ground, a folded note barely having avoided the shattering glass. You crawled, sobbing lightly as your injuries screamed at you, having blown out the stitches in your thigh from your crazed flailing. Fingers scooped the fabric, bringing it close to you, and your eyes widened in recognition. Frantically you snatched the note, splitting it open and scanning the familiar writing.

Hey,

You totally got me. It was for you. Please don’t hang me with it. Maybe you could wear it as a cravat to my wedding? I hope I’ve asked you by the time you see this.

Oh shit, I hadn’t thought of that. Well, if I haven’t, will you be my best man? If the answer’s yes, I thought this would compliment the colours I’m wearing cuz it would be cool if we matched. If the answer’s no, you can keep the scarf anyway. Wasn’t ever Georgia’s colours, idiot.

Love ya,

Eld.

You read it again. And again, and again, until your chest ached with the empty sobs of your grief, the scarf cradled in your arms. You thought about everything. The highs. The lows. The triumphs and the losses. Laughing at the first tiny doll Gunther bought, then screaming as he scared you shitless with it in the early hours of the morning after placing it above the door frame. Picking out new button down shirts for Petra, trying to convince her to push the boat out and maybe go for another colour other than white. Peppering Oluo with questions after he started wearing a cravat for the first time.

Sitting with Eld on watch, talking about everything and nothing. Soft exchanges of experiences, talking about the future and where it would lead you. Deep conversations about what lay beyond the walls, whether either of you would find out in your lifetime. Reminiscing over the past, flustering you over Levi. Fighting. Embracing. Laughing. Crying.

You felt it bubble up inside you, before your grief boiled over and you screamed. You couldn’t hear it, couldn’t hear anything other than empty silence, but you felt it. Your throat bled with it, tearing itself apart. You screamed for everything you’d lost. Not just in friends or comrades, but in memories left unmade. In lives left unlived. Promises left unfulfilled. Who would tell Georgia? Who would tell Petra’s family? Gunther’s sister, Oluo’s mother? It should be you. You got them killed. You should have kept going. Shouldn’t have underestimated the enemy. Shouldn’t have acted so damn rashly. Your decisions got them killed. And, somehow, by some sick twisted miracle… you lived.

No. You hadn’t lived. Something in you died with them. And you let it.

You don’t remember falling asleep. You don’t remember waking up trapped in the echo chamber of your own mind, barely able to hear your breaths over their accusatory screams. ‘Murderer’. ‘Traitor’. ‘You should have been the first to die’.

Scenes played about the walls of your head, reliving the moments of their death. Gunther. Eld. Petra. Oluo. Throat slit. Torn in half. Crushed. Broken. You didn’t know how much blood the human body contained. You’d seen people die before, it wasn’t new, but not to this extent. Not every detail of their agony drawn faces, their heartbreaking acceptance. Green blurred around you, blending with the crimson, scenes rapidly changing, so loud you covered your ears. Rushing, screaming, dying. Over, and over, and over again, your mind showed you your regrets. Over and over and over again you let it tear you apart, a visage of their kind faces knitting you back together again, before the cycle began anew. You were stuck, knees hugged to your chest, arms over your head, numbing to the torture.

It was so fucking loud that he couldn’t sleep. Not that he thought he could anyway, but Levi guessed exhaustion had outweighed his anxiety. But he woke up again, not in his room, but in his head. And it was so. Fucking. Loud. Not in his mind, but across the bridge between you two. The door cracked open and beyond the hallway stood another, wedged shut. It grew louder the further he walked, dark oak walls with intricate carvings lined the gap, the nothing space that connected you.

He hadn’t seen you since you returned, after trying to stop you from locking yourself away. Evidently, unsuccessful. Trying to reach you through the bond seemed impossible. You’d shut him out completely, be it from blame or guilt, he couldn’t tell. But he knew he had to get to you. He could see you now, through that frosted glass wall, now a window in the door. You looked so small. So vulnerable. The shackles of grief around your wrists and ankles dragging you down, down, drowning.

“Get through.” Levi whipped around. He’d heard that voice before, back when you were lost to your mind when you dropped the teacup. It was the same whisper. Disembodied. Fleeting. But present. “Get. Through.”

He sighed, exasperated. “I– how?”

“How would you get through any stuck door? Break it.”

It felt wrong. The door to your mind was so often open, the thought of breaking through seemed like a violation. He knew you trusted him.

Did he?

He knew you would understand.

Would you?

“Now is not the time to doubt, blood of mine. Break the door. Do. Not. Lose her.”

Now that he could agree on. Stepping back, he braced his shoulder, tensing the muscle before throwing his body weight against the wood. It thundered upon impact, but stayed put. He growled in frustration, pulling back and slamming against it again. The wood groaned, but didn’t give. He was tempted to smash the glass window, but something told him it wouldn’t do much good. Intuition, most likely. So he took a couple steps back, blowing out a breath. He would get to you. He made a promise.

Levi ran. Screams from the otherside fuelled his strength as he collided with the door, and it burst open. Landing heavily, the first thing he could do was cover his ears before they burst. Like shrieking banshees, your memories played over and over again, obscured by black scrawls of guilt. He could barely move for fear of hearing their dying anguish, a tornado’s heart ripping at his skin. But inky black tendrils had already wound around your legs, snaking up your torso. He crawled to you, avoiding the grasping claws of the damned, before his hand clasped around your ankle.

You drew back, head whipping up from your knees and he saw fear; true, real fear in your eyes. Levi grit his teeth against the blood pounding in his head, his ears throbbing with pain. You looked to him for an answer, but he had none. He didn’t even know any of this was possible, he just let himself be guided by his instincts. Rising to his knees, Levi took your face in his hands, sacrificing the tearing pain of those screaming deaths. You looked baffled, terrified. But not of him.

All at once, your mind silenced, but your expression stayed the same. Anticipation thrummed in the surroundings as you uttered two words.

“...Help me.”

A beat thumped, your plea settling in his heart, before everything exploded. The ground, whatever kept you both up, shattered beneath his feet, and you were both falling. Those smoky tendrils melting to skeletal claws around your body, pulling you down as you reached up for him. Down you were dragged, before empty nothingness solidified and splashed around you.

Instantly soaked in a sea of obsidian, Levi lost sight of you. But he’d been here before; he’d done this before. Struggling for the surface would get him nowhere, and waiting to sink down wasn’t an option. So he turned and kicked, accelerating his descent until he saw your winking light. You were struggling, to no surprise. Clawing at the water to rise, but dragged down by those who’d died; bony fingers clasped around your throat, your head, shoulders, waist.

He could see you panic, see you gasping for breath, pleading for him to reach you. But he wouldn’t let your panic catch on. He had to stay calm, he didn’t have a choice.

“Stop struggling.”

He was surprised his voice rang clear in the depths, no bubbles obscuring his tone. And to his further surprise, you listened, trusting him. Your limbs stopped flailing, your fingers stopped clawing. You fell still, and your descent slowed. He could reach you now.

His hands cupped your jaw, body floating down to be level with your own and he hooked his legs through yours, anchoring himself to you. “You asked me to help you.”

You searched his face, begging for the honesty he would give you.

“I’m here. You’re not alone anymore.” Levi pressed his forehead to yours, and your whimpering quietened. Those grasping hands started to slide away, slowly freeing you from their skeletal touch.

“I don’t know what to do,” you sobbed quietly, your hands now free to clasp onto his shirt. Levi felt his feet touch solid ground as the glittering depths drained away, leaving you both drenched. The last of the hands sunk with the water, returning back to the centre of your guilt. “It was my fault. I should have turned back, should have kept going. I don’t—”

Levi cut you off, pulling you back into his tight embrace, hand smoothing down the back of your limp hair. “This won’t bring them back.”

You stopped dead, remembering the last time you’d heard those words from Nanaba. She was right back then. And Levi was right now. Exhaling a shaky breath, you let his comfort warm your freezing bones.

“We should probably get out of my head for a moment, it’s a little too unstable right now.” Levi angled your head up to his, hands gently cupping the sides of your neck, his thumbs against your jaw.

You managed the smallest smile, though your eyes widened when you looked past him. Levi whirled, making sure you stayed behind him in the eventuality he would have to protect you from something, but it was just the door from before.

Only it was rising. From the ground…

Now his desperation to get to you had fizzled out, he had the time to process how fucking weird everything was. He hadn’t noticed the ground you were standing on was actually water, or at least liquid of some kind. There was no surroundings, only a sunset-like sky; if he could call it a sky, it seemed to stretch on forever. He’d been in your mind before, but not together with you. It was… odd.

You held back when he started to approach it, apprehension and anxiety dampening your usually adventurous spirit. Looking back, Levi could see the slight fear in your eyes, so he took your hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

“I’ll be totally honest, I don’t particularly want to go through that again, and it’s safer through there.”

You still seemed trepidatious, but you took a slow step forward to level with him, the door swinging open ever so slightly. Gathering your courage, you stepped through, and you were suddenly extremely glad you did.

You were in some kind of field, illuminated by moonlight-like light. The long grass swaying in an invisible breeze. Levi stepped through the door to stand by your side, once again taking your hand in his. He’d been through the space between your minds before, but never like this. It was usually just a dark wood hallway, but this was something else entirely.

“...’Vi, look.” You nudged him slightly, and Levi followed your gaze. How the fuck this wasn’t the first thing he noticed, he had no idea. A large tree of what looked like pure light shone in the horizon, its branches stretching high above the clouds. Hues of greens and oranges pulsed in its trunk like a heartbeat. He felt at peace here, as did—

Wait, he couldn’t feel you. He couldn’t feel your heart in his chest, nor your thoughts in his head.

You realised at the same time, whipping back to look at him. You clocked it before he did. “I know where we are. I think… I think this is the heart. Of the bond. I can’t feel you because—”

“We share a soul. Or our souls have combined. Haven’t figured that one out yet,” he murmured, still a little taken by his surroundings.

You didn’t know how to feel. Actually, you did. And it was undeserving. You didn’t deserve this. Any of it. You couldn’t count how many times you’d hurt him with your doubt. You fucking said you weren’t sorry for it. You said that to him, and stuck around long enough just to see his expression. Truth was, you turned away because you couldn’t bear it. That hurt on his face. He’d just got you back and you’d pushed him away, verbally slapping him as you did.

Ripples echoed behind you, the water rising again through the doorway, skeletal hands reaching for the frame. You were half tempted to step back in and let it consume you, but Levi gently shut the door before you could. It would have been an insult to him anyway, especially after what he’d just gone through to save you from it.

“Hey…” Levi tried, reaching out for you. But his fingertips only grazed your white shirt as you stepped away, avoiding his gaze. You don’t know what prompted you to, but you started to walk, the soft, bluish grass tall enough to brush against your hips.

Levi sighed, running a hand through his damp hair. You were free from your mind, but still struggling. The soft scratches of bony hands on the other side of the wooden door told him that much. He trusted it would stay closed before following you, hoping to fuck that your guilt couldn’t break through to here. He’d lost sight of you briefly, just as he crested a hill, but there was no panic. An unmistakable feeling of safety blanketed this place. He found you again, sitting on the grassy shoreline of a broad, deep blue lake, dropping stones into the water and watching them sink to the bottom.

Descending the hill, Levi took a seat next to you, but you didn’t acknowledge his presence. For a time, he let the silence linger, only interrupted by the gentle splosh of the stones.

“I hurt you. Again.”

He was surprised when you broke the silence, though still not turning to look at him.

Levi sighed, watching the latest stone sink into the darkness of the lake, shivering slightly as it reminded him of what had just happened in your mind.

“Yeah. You did.” He wasn’t going to deny it. He couldn’t anyway. Something in here compelled him to tell the truth, lying wasn’t even an option.

He saw your jaw tense and knew you were fighting back tears.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“That’s not enough.” You said that a little too savagely for his liking, your fist clenched to the point you almost drew blood with your nails.

“It is for me,” Levi responded, worming his fingers through your fists and separating your nails from your palm.

“I don’t want to keep hurting you.” You still hadn’t looked at him. You didn’t feel like you deserved to look at him. Not after everything.

“Then stop doubting. I don’t care what you say, but I do care what you feel. And when I feel you doubt like that…” Levi paused, steeling his nerves slightly. He wasn’t used to this, to sharing these kinds of things. He hoped he was doing it right. “That hurts me more than anything.”

You nodded, unable to stop the two rogue tears that escaped your eyes. “I know. I can feel it too.”

Levi sighed again, lifting your hand to plant a kiss to the scars on your palm. He knew why you did it. He knew why you doubted. It was less about having faith in him, and more about having faith in yourself. He knew you thought you were undeserving, just as he did. Knew you didn’t think yourself good enough because he’d heard your own thoughts all too often.

“It wasn’t your fault. I know I said it was but, it wasn’t. It was mine. I should have—” You cut yourself off, not entirely sure how to formulate your words. But you understood you had to. In here, he couldn’t just pop into your mind and listen. You had to say it out loud here. “I should have judged the situation better. And you should have made Eld your vice-captain instead. He kept his cool when I was a mess. He—”

“That’s enough.”

You finally, finally looked at him then, tears glistening like moonstones in your eyes. Instead of talking, Levi gently hooked his arm around your middle, and brought you into his body. Lying down in the grass, you on his chest, he looked up at the new spectacle; a ribbon of green and purple light dancing across the sky.

“I made Eld promise something to me, before we left. I made him promise to keep you safe, and that cost him his life. I don’t regret it. Not for a single moment. Because you’re still with me. I’d be lying if I said I’d be able to handle your death, because the truth is: I couldn’t. It would tear me apart, and I don’t know if I would survive it.

“Eld died fulfilling that promise to me. And if I had the chance to somehow go back to that moment, I would ask the same of him. Every single time. I don’t regret keeping you safe. I will never regret keeping you safe. I will gladly dedicate the rest of my life to honouring his death, all of their deaths, because I know they weren’t in vain. Not to me.”

Levi felt you curl into him tighter, your grip scrunching the fabric of his vest. His hand hugged your shoulder, arm cradling you in his embrace. If he was being honest with himself, the thought of never returning to the outside world settled a little too comfortably in him. If he could spend the rest of eternity in here, with you, he would. Though it was unfathomable, not whilst humanity still lay in chains.

Levi sat up to hold you properly, situating you between his spread legs, caging you in. He said nothing as you cried quietly, dampening his trying tee once again. He knew you needed this. You were carrying so much on your shoulders, you needed to let everything go. He would hold you for as long as you needed, and even after he wouldn’t let go.

He made a promise.

“Why didn’t you tell me…?” You asked, a complete flip to how you asked him before. There was no break in your voice this time, only a slight tremble.

“A few reasons… I– I didn’t want you worrying about it. The rest of the squad didn’t know, it felt wrong to have only you know whilst the rest were left in the dark. Only those who joined before 846 were clued in on the plan––”

“Except for me.” You interrupted with no small degree of bitterness.

“...Yeah. Except for you. I just–– I wanted to keep you safe.” He admitted, though feeling ashamed of how he went about it. “I know I should have told you. I trust you, I do. More than I’ve ever trusted anyone. I was just… scared.” Your eyes widened at that, knowing it would have taken all of his courage to say it. You couldn’t stay angry at him for that. You were in no position to hold a grudge anyway.

You didn’t say anything long after your shuddering shoulders stilled. You still felt disgusting for what you did, what you said to him. For shattering his half of your soul. “Levi?”

“Mm?”

“I’m sorry,” you said again, not moving from his hold.

He could barely hear you muffled into his chest like that, but he honestly didn’t care. Not when he had you back.

But you seemed determined. After hearing no response from him, you drew back. “I’m sorry, ‘Vi,” you repeated, still quietly.

“I know.” He cupped your cheek so you wouldn’t look away from him like you had a tendency to do. The moment he saw you attempt, he dragged your gaze back to his. You looked uncertain, undeserving. He wanted to rectify that.

“Can… Can I show you?” you asked, almost shyly. He hated seeing you like this. Your confidence with him wavering in the light of recent events. He didn’t want you to feel sorry for this. He didn’t want you to feel guilty for feeling lost. So when you went to push him onto his back, he resisted.

“No.”

You looked taken aback, eyes desperately searching for a reason, any reason, why he wouldn’t let you apologise for what you’ve done. And Levi hated that, too. He wouldn’t let you drown in this. He refused to let you drown. If he had to swim for you, so be it. He would swim for you again.

Using your confusion against you, he placed his hand between your shoulder blades and lowered you onto your back. It was surprisingly pleasant for you to be so pliant for him, usually fighting tooth and nail against him just because you could.

“Let me show you.”

His whisper so close to your ear sent pleasurable shivers down your spine, lips barely grazing the side of your neck. But you couldn’t let him. He had nothing to show you. Nothing that you deserved. You’d blamed him, you’d doubted him. You’d hurt him in every possible way you could.

You placed your hands on his shoulders, making a weak attempt to push him off, before they were roughly thrown above your head and pinned there. “Stop it.”

It was the softest order you’d ever heard from him, though his eyes hardened. You couldn’t stand his scrutinisation, not right now. Not when he could see and feel everything you’d done.

“I don’t—You shouldn’t do this for me. I haven’t—I hurt you…”

Being under such a gaze… you couldn’t meet it. You didn’t deserve to meet it. But Levi could predict your every damn move at this point, and caught your head once again before you could turn away, one hand still pinning your wrists.

“I need you to forgive yourself. Please. Because I forgive you.”

Your eyes snapped wide, idle tears trailing down the sides of your face. He could see the disbelief in your heart, and knew he would do anything to caress away that mark.

“I forgive you,” he said again, softer this time, letting you see how earnest he was. How honest he was. “So please, let me show you.”

Seeing you silently relent was all he needed, dipping down to capture your lips and pouring his adoration into your mouth. He could say it in here, wrapped in the security blanket that was the bond. He could say it with the certainty that you won’t die today. It still wasn’t the same as saying it aloud, but it was another step forward. Pulling back a fraction, Levi left his lips grazing yours.

“I love you.”

Your dead heart stuttered back to life, eyes sparkling with unshed diamonds. You wanted to ask him why. Why? How? How could he possibly after what I did to you?

But you know how frustrating those questions were. You’d experienced firsthand how heart wrenching it was when that was doubted. You wouldn’t do that to him. That’s why he wanted to show you.

Levi didn’t wait for you to say it back. Honestly, he couldn’t. Moulding his lips back into yours, his hands made quick, gentle work of the buttons on your shirt, deftly flicking each one open.

His mouth followed, kissing your lips a lover’s farewell before descending down to your jaw, leaving featherlight nips against the skin. He took a risk when your pulse thundered beneath his tongue, teeth grazing the tender flesh before he bit down and sucked hard.

Your back arched, a heated gasp of surprise greeted his ears as he smoothed over the now purple mark on your neck, feeling proud of himself.

“Weird.” He drew back enough to look between you and the bruise. “I didn’t feel it. I thought it would just be emotions but turns out it’s physical sensations, too.”

The realisation sent a thrill through his veins. He adored being bound to you. He loved feeling every aspect of you – good or bad; hurt or pleasure – but the idea of being able to do whatever he wanted to you without feeling the urge himself? Oh, Levi was going to enjoy this immensely. He grinned a little too wickedly for your liking.

“What’re you—Oh fuck!” You didn’t have time to question him. Not when he stooped down to take one of your nipples between his teeth, enjoying the freedom of not feeling it himself.

His hand pinched and kneaded your other, twisting it gently between his thumb and forefinger as he devoured you. Your hands found his hair, nails scratching down his undercut as you bowed into his ministrations, whimpering breathlessly with each pull of ecstasy.

His other hand popped free the last few buttons, your shirt falling open to completely expose your midriff. You looked fucking ethereal, moonlight enhancing your contorting features as Levi drew back to admire you, convinced you fell out a painting and onto the grass before him. You nipples peaked, chest heaving ever so slightly, and whilst, yes, he was addicted to when you were more dominant, this more submissive side of you was fucking majorly with his head. You just looked—

“Breathtaking.” His lips travelled up to your shoulder, following the line of your ODM gear. He was going to fucking worship you, he swore it as he removed the shirt from your arms, cradling you and throwing the fabric somewhere into the grass, instantly forgotten.

You felt your cunt slicken as his mouth traced the various scars down your arm, continuing a languid path to your wrists, and finally the palm of your hand, delicately taking it in his own and peppering the uneven lattice of marks and maims in the softest kisses. You felt yourself well up, overwhelmed by his attention when his lips grazed your knuckles, and he forged a new path back up your arm to your neck.

He knew it was reckless, just how many visible bruises he was content to suckle into your skin, but part of him knew they were unlikely to show when you woke up, considering this was only happening in the bond itself.

The shared space between your minds.

Biting down on your collarbone, Levi’s cock gave an awakening pulse as he finally dragged a moan from your throat, feeling the vibrations in his tongue after sucking another mark against the other side of your neck. Goosebumps prickled your skin as he mirrored his attention down your other arm, lips catching on the pulse of your wrist before pressing into your palm.

You sighed in complete bliss, closing your eyes as a tear slid down the side of your face. You couldn’t stop it, not as you felt him kiss back up to your shoulder.

Trembling, you took a breath, and Levi could hear your shuddering. “I can stop, if it’s too much. We can stop here,” he offered, brushing your hair back with a hand.

You sat up in response, tugging the hem of his tee up to his chest and over his head, hands falling to his small waist. You seemed to get your message across when he smiled, guiding you down onto your back again with a hand on your spine.

It would have been hypocritical of you to say it was selfish. Not when you’d gone through such lengths to convince him wanting this was anything but selfish. But he knew anyway, silencing you with his lips back to yours just in case you went to voice anything.

“Please don’t,” you choked out a whisper when he left your mouth again in favour of taking back your sensitive bud between his teeth. “Don’t stop.”

His mouth still sucking on your mound, Levi settled his hands on the insides of your knees, pushing them apart and settling himself between your legs. Fingertips dug into the flesh of your thighs, his cock now straining slightly against the flannel pants he’d worn to bed. He admired the string of saliva connecting his mouth to your breast as he pulled back, watching in slight satisfaction as it snapped, before he looked at you completely spread for him, only separated by the thin strip of your underwear, currently sheer from your own juices.

Levi tenderly cupped the back of your one thigh, bringing it to his shoulder and nibbling on the tender flesh on the inside of your knee. He kissed down your calf, tongue peaking out to lick your ankle. He’d never had a thing for feet – and Levi still knew this to be true – but the way you bit your lip when his mouth settled on the arch of your foot had his hips bucking slightly.

Your toes curled and you couldn’t help squirming slightly, gasping at the foreign feeling of his slick muscle tickling the underside of your foot. You throbbed hard, shivering when he licked back up to your ankle, over your calf and between your thighs again.

“Look at that.”

You could have cum from his voice alone, all low and husky with arousal.

“Guess you must have liked that, you’re so wet for me,” he murmured into your underwear, so close you could feel his breath through the fabric.

And just as you thought he would finally remove them, he set his mouth onto the other side of your thigh, bringing it up over his shoulder and biting into you once again.

You didn’t have it in you to be frustrated, though your core ached to be touched. You didn’t have it in you to hurry him up, not as his slick tongue circled your ankle, dipping around to your achilles and dragging a long trail up from your heel up to your toes, concentrating his attention back to the sensitive arch of your foot.

A whimper flew from your mouth and you clamped the back of your hand over your lips, heat flooding your face. Though it made no difference. He could see how much it turned you on from the continued leaking of your cunt and the micro-spasms in your hips. Levi knew from the light throbs in his cock that he wouldn’t have the patience to do this to you if he could feel it too, everything would be far too overwhelming for him and he would have definitely cum by now.

He took pity on you. How couldn’t he, when you made the sweetest noises for him? Eyes locked onto your dripping cunt, he left wet kisses back up to your inner thighs, biting sharp enough to drag a small yelp from your chest. You were getting desperate, squirming and grinding your hips up into nothing when his fingers hooked into the hem of your underwear, slowly dragging them down to your knees.

Levi couldn’t help himself, not when your dewy pussy all but glistened for him, begging him oh-so sweetly for attention. He groaned in response, muffling his sounds in the supple flesh of your thigh.

He sat back on his haunches, delicately dragging the ruined fabric down your shins and off your legs, placing them neatly to the side—a stark contrast to the way he all but discarded your shirt.

With his hands on the insides of your knees, he pushed your legs apart again, settling himself down on his stomach. He told himself his ass was arched to give you a view, but in reality, you both knew it was to stop his sensitive cock dragging against the soft grass. This was all about you; he didn’t even want to take care of himself.

Previously, he’d only indulged in fleeting tastes of your arousal, before you got impatient and kicked him onto his back. But he planned on feasting tonight, planned on devouring you until you had nothing left to give, and even then he would still search for more.

Steel eyes flicked up to meet yours, blown obsidian with lustful desire as he leaned down, his nose barely grazing your clit. Fuck you smelt so sweet, so tangy, so fucking delicous. He was already whipped and he hadn’t even tasted you properly.

His tip throbbed, spilling precum with the first, tentative greeting of his tongue, a carnal groan vibrating in his throat with the way your nectar exploded in his mouth. He knew this must be the bond. Your mouth tasting like strawberries was one thing, but your cunt? So fucking sweet, with a subtle zest. Holding himself back wasn’t an option anymore. Levi secured his hold on the tops of your thighs, forcing them over his shoulders before lapping up your slick like it was the first meal for a starving man.

A gasp flew from your lips, hands finding his hair again as dull, floating pleasure coarse through your nerves. Everything went blurry, your head falling back with a pitched whine as your back arched, legs locking around his neck when he dipped his tongue inside your twitching hole. You sighed his name dreamily, hips canting into his face.

Levi knew from previous exploration where you liked to be touched, what places made you moan, whimper and scream. His nose pressed into your slickened clit as he pushed his tongue further into you, drinking up your sweet honey. The way you breathed his name like that, like a silver prayer on silken wings, he wanted to give you everything. Not just this, not just this pleasure, but everything.

His last name would be a good start.

He knew he was getting ahead of himself. He hadn’t even told you he loved you outside this shared space, but he’d known for a while he’d wanted you. Whatever that meant, in whatever form you would give him, he wanted you.

Latching onto your clit, he flicked his tongue over your sensitive little pearl, holding your hips still as you bucked needily into the suction, cracked and broken sobs ringing from your lungs. Levi’s own hips thrusted forward into nothing, his cock pulsing despite the lack of direct stimulation. Or stimulation at all. How the fuck was he still so affected by this? He couldn’t even feel it, but fuck did he want more. He wanted more of you in his mouth, on his tongue. He wanted to drink you dry. The thought had his eyes fluttering closed in response to his needy arousal.

“L-Levi…! Please, ‘m-ahaa! Fuck! ‘S good! Feels– ngh! S-so good!” you mewled, pussy quivering as his tongue started to move in unpredictable patterns, a touch so hot you felt like he was branding you as his own. He was welcome to. You were all his. You belonged to him like the stars belong to the sky. “‘M yours, ‘Vi. A-all yours.”

His brows pinched in high pleasure hearing that, eyes screwing shut against the urge to fuck into something, anything, preferably your cunt. Shit, how could you still do this to him? He wanted this to be about you, yet his desire to be buried in your soft, velvety walls still prevailed.

But an idea came to him. What if he could still keep this all about you, and still be inside your fluttering cunt at the same time? Levi smirked into your warmth, his hand moving from the outside of your hip to the inside of your thigh. His fingertips massaged your lips, swiftly milking your gushing slick into his awaiting mouth, before pushing inside your hot cavern.

You cried out, high and sharp at the sudden intrusion of pleasure, fisting your hands in his hair as his sinewy digit circled around your tight walls, pushing in further until you moaned out again, white hot ecstasy flooded your veins as he found that little bundle of nerves that sent you cross-eyed. The place that made you scream.

He couldn’t deny he was pleased with himself. Though it wasn’t the same satisfaction as your cunt swallowing his length, it scratched the same itch of wanting to be inside you.

You convulsed around his finger, squeezing and clenching as he added a second, scissoring you open for his searching tongue. Peaking his eyes open was a mistake, especially when he was greeted with your bliss painted visage, back bowed, nipples straining for the moon, barely your chin visible from how far back you’d thrown your head. His eyes rolled back, whimpering airly into your sex as he pumped his digits slowly, teasing your g-spot directly with each stroke.

Tears slowly rolled down your cheeks. You had no idea you could be this sensitive, his exploring mouth earlier awakening nerves you didn’t even know existed. Or maybe it was the location, your feelings heightened due to being in the heart of the bond. You didn’t know. Didn’t care. Not when you were teetering on the edge of oblivion.

“G-gah! Gonna cum! ‘V-’Vi ‘m gonna-aah! Fucking… Fuck! S-so close�� nghahaah! Don’t stop, pl…please! Levi… Lee––VI!” You shrieked his name, back arching from the soft grass as you fell into an ocean of ecstasy. Your thighs trembled around his head, cunt pulsing and clenching around his fingers as you came so fucking hard. Leaving the anchor of his hair, your fists ripped at the grass above your head as you writhed through your high, each harsh intake of oxygen only fueling the next wave of unadulterated pleasure.

Levi held his breath as you came all over his fingers, nails digging into the flesh of your thigh as his cock throbbed into his own cresting bliss. Gasping into your twitching walls, his brows puckered as hot, searing honey spread through his veins, the tip of his length pulsing with every spill of his seed into his pants. Hips rolling into nothing, his eyes rolled back into his head, muffling his sounds by latching back onto your clit and groaning carnally against it. Your moans turned to screams, added vibrations tearing white into your eyes as your muscles locked up.

The first gasp was always the sweetest start to the afterglow, your fists releasing the grass above your head, your arched back relaxing, skin tingling as the soft texture below you welcomed your spine. You trembled slightly, releasing his head between your thighs as gently as you could. He greeted you with a smug grin, daintily licking your juices from his fingers.

“You believe me now?” he asked with a cocky lilt. You had half the mind to suffocate him again, and you would have done, had your legs not turned to jelly.

“Y-yeah… Yeah, I believe you now. Fucking Walls ‘Vi…” you swore, running a hand down your sweat slicked face. Levi hummed in agreement, placing a kiss against the inside of your thigh before crawling back up your body to once again hold you in his arms, his head resting just below your throat. “But, what about you? You didn’t—”

“I did.”

“Wait… you came?”

Levi raised his head, looking strangely irritated and sticking his tongue into his cheek. “...Maybe.”

You snorted, before managing to stop yourself briefly, clamping down on your own tongue to stop your laughter. Which worked for approximately thirty seven seconds before you dissolved into a fit of giggles. “Sorry! No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, I just– You said you couldn’t feel it?” You queried through your grin, a brow raised at his flustered embarrassment.

“Yeah, well, turns out I don’t need to.”

“‘M just that powerful huh?”

“Don’t let it go to your head. You tasted good, that’s all.”

Your hand carded through his hair, a known favourite of his. “I’ll pretend I believe you. Still, nice to know I can make you cum without even touching you.” You snickered, earning yourself a pinch to your waist. It only dawned on you then that he could only do that in here without consequences.

“This is not the first time you’ve done that,” he grumbled back, remembering the fucking humiliating incident in the meeting room.

“Yes, but those times you could feel me. You couldn’t feel it here and yet I still made you cum. I’m pretty impressed with myself,” you crowed, prompting Levi to crawl further up your body and quieten you by hiding your face in his neck, arms flipping you both over.

“Shut. Up.” There was no real heat in his seething, something that warmed your heart exponentially.

Your maddening chuckles lessened, and you were finally released from his grip, turning your head to settle your ear over his beating heart. “I love you too,”

Levi almost choked, looking down to see if you were serious, but he couldn’t see your face. Not that he needed to. He could hear the honesty in your voice.

“I was, uh, a little too caught up to say it back earlier, but I do. I love you, too.”

Levi closed his eyes as those words washed over him, settling his cheek to the top of your head. Happiness was still a little foreign to him, never having felt much of it before you stumbled into his life, but everytime he thought he couldn’t be happier with you, moments like this arose and, for once, he could be happy that life delighted in proving him wrong.

“‘Vi?”

Oh… that tone was considerably less hopeful. “...What?”

“Don’t be mad.”

His eyes widened as he sat up. “No promises.”

He’d never seen you look so sheepish in your life. “As much as I would love to, like, drift off here with you, I might need to wake up and get myself off the floor…”

“You’re on the floor? The fuck are you doing on the floor?”

You took a breath. “Okay this is why I said ‘don’t get mad’. I, uh, sort of maybe kinda blew my stitches out…”

The silence was palpable.

“You what?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“I’m trying really fucking hard not to get mad. What the fuck were you thinking!?” He grasped your shoulders, searching you as if he could see if you were hurt from here.

“Because I totally did it deliberately.” You glared, but nothing would break through his slight panic now.

“We wake up now. I’m coming to get you.”

“You might have to break through the door.”

Levi baulked, pausing in rising to his feet. “What? What did you do?!”

Your lips pulled into a tight line. “I, uh, I threw a dresser in front of it.”

He looked at you then like you were completely insane. “Why, for the love of all three Walls, did you do that?”

“Because I was angry. And I was lost,” you answered quietly, pulling him from his desperate state. You once again looked so small sitting there, holding your own arm like a wounded animal. Levi let loose a breath, his stress dissolving.

“Okay. Don’t move from the floor. I’m coming to get you.” He crouched down before you, swiping a thumb along your cheekbone. You smiled tenderly, kissing the heel of his palm.

“Thank you. Not just for coming after we wake up, or before.”

He lightly smacked your arm for that one, and you failed to stifle your mischievous giggling. “But, for everything. I don’t think I would have pulled myself out of this alone,” you admitted, hauling yourself to your feet with his help.

He tucked a loose strand of hair back into place, planting a kiss to your forehead. He knew. Completely understood where you were coming from. And it burned him to know you knew what that felt like. But there was nothing he could do apart from just, be there for you.

“Wake up,” he whispered to you, bringing you close until you faded from his arms, and he joined you in consciousness.

“Oh, watch out for the shattered glass as well,” was the last thing he heard, before he opened his eyes. You really did like to keep him on his toes.

Literally.

Levi instantly cringed as soon as he was conscious enough to do so, feeling sweaty and sticky in his clothes. Pushing up from the mattress, he discovered why when looking down at the front of his pants, now soaked. It made sense, he thought begrudgingly, that if he came in the bond he would cum outside it as well. He just feebly hoped he didn’t make the same noises.

Though he’d asked you not to move, his thigh sang with pain. Either than was the idle throbbing of your wound, or you hadn’t listened to him and were trying to move. Honestly, both scenarios were possible.

–You better not be trying to get up.–

Silence greeted him, and he knew that was exactly what you were trying to do. He sighed, changing out of his ruined flannel bottoms to a fresh pair of loose pants.

–I need to head to the infirmary first, get a needle and sutures. Or I could get one of the medics to do it instead, it’s up to you.–

–Can… Can you do it? I just, I would prefer it if you did it. I know that’s not ideal for either of us but–– –

–It’s alright. I’ll do it.–

He felt your relief in his chest, not realising until now how much he’d missed feeling you in the brief time you were both in the bond. He was already outside and making a beeline for the infirmary, striding across the stone floor. It was a beautiful night, a slight cool breeze chilled his still slightly sweaty skin, raising goosebumps on his arms. He hadn’t thought to put on a sleeved shirt, opting to keep on the tee he’d slept in rather than to change it.

“I need stitching equipment, numbing salves and bandages,” he said by way of greeting the moment he saw any of the medics. They looked at him for a moment as if trying to place his face, before widening in embarrassed realisation. Levi guessed most people weren’t used to seeing him out of uniform, but he wasn’t exactly unrecognisable. They nodded feverishly, hurrying off to a storage cabinet and pulling out what he’d requested, haphazardly stuffing back in various scalpels and trocars which would definitely need sorting again once he’d gone. Levi would feel bad for them if he didn’t have a more pressing matter.

“Do you need a medic? I can—”

“No. The equipment is fine,” he interrupted, taking it without another word. Did people really get that nervous around him? He hadn’t really had the chance to process what your medic had said in the tent earlier today. That he was making soldiers nervous just by being present. He didn’t mean to be intimidating. He didn’t even think he was intimidating. At least, not when he wasn’t trying to be.

–They just don’t know you, ‘Vi. You’re only intimidating because they believe your reputation.–

–But my reputation–– –

–Don’t even fucking say it.–

Levi shivered slightly, your tone rattling his spine. And suddenly wondered why as many people weren’t intimidated by you.

–They are, but that’s usually because they don’t know when I’m being sarcastic or serious.–

Yeah, that made sense.

Levi smiled to himself, entering the barracks as silently as he could. He didn’t really know why, because he was about to wake everyone up by attempting to break your door down. But at least they could have a few more moments of sleep. He felt stupid trying to open it, though it did actually move a little, enough to jam his foot in the doorway and reach an arm through.

“That better be you, ‘Vi.”

“‘You saying I have unrecognisable arms?”

You snorted a little weakly, your voice breaking as you chuckled. With his foot braced on what he assumed was the dresser, Levi tried to just push it from the doorway, the wood creaking in protest, but not budging.

“R’you particularly attached to this dresser?” he asked, pulling his good foot back.

“No, not really, why?”

“Good.”

You didn’t have time to question him further before the wood crunched under the force of his kick, showering the floor in splinters. You watched in awe as he completely dismantled the furniture, panels of elm flying from the structure. Shoving his body weight against the door, Levi managed to stick his head through the gap, eyes widening slightly as he took in the destruction and carnage of the room.

You’d torn the place apart. Pillows slashed through and ripped to shreds, dented and cracked bed frames, shards of mirror scattered about the floor. The blood was slightly alarming, but he saw where you must have blown your stitching, a large, gaping hole smashed through the wooden wall.

His eyes landed on you, pinching his brows as you sent him a timid wave. He’d forgotten how badly injured you were, various bruises and cuts littered your face, lacerations against your uniform and skin, but it was your bleeding thigh that scared him. He could see where the sutures had torn from each other

“Shit…” He muttered, using that worry to fuel his next shove. With a savage crack, the wood burst apart, the door swinging wide open, slightly off its hinges.

He honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck, not when he could finally get to you. How had he been forced to do this twice today?

Stepping over the mirror shards, Levi properly took in your dishevelled appearance. You’d managed to prop yourself up against the bed, a silken green scarf held tight in your clutches.

You winced along with every step he took, your ankle pulsing with hot pain with each of his slight limps towards you. Blowing out a worried breath, you reached out for him as he knelt by your side, comforted by his warm embrace and familiar scent. “What did you do?”

He knew you were asking about his ankle, but he genuinely didn’t have the time to explain. “Not now. We need to get this sorted. I need these off.”

You raised a weak suggestive brow, a smirk managing to pull at your lips.

Levi huffed, flattening you with an urgent stare. “Now.”

You pouted, before pulling at your harness buckles. You hadn’t even taken it off yet, your grief consuming you before you could. Levi pulled off your boots, unstrapping the belts at your thighs. You hissed in pain as the pressure released around your wound, and he grit his teeth against it. Fuck that hurt.

It was a struggle, but you both managed to pull off your harness and uniform pants without aggravating your thigh too much more. It still slowly trickled blood with every slight jostle, but it had stopped constantly bleeding, which was a small win for the day. But it only occurred to him now that he had to hurt you to do this. He had to cause you no small amount of pain. The thought tore at him, making him pause just as he was about to smooth the area with the salve. It would help, but the initial application would hurt like shit, and it wouldn’t completely numb the area. It would just stop it from being unbearable.

His eyes flicked from your laceration to your face, and you saw the hesitation to hurt you. Tenderly, you took his wrist in your hand, smoothing over his pulse with your thumb. Your other hand cupped his cheek, angling his head down to press your forehead up against his own. It brought a surprising amount of comfort to him, that simple gesture, his palm mirroring yours on his cheek, cradling the side of your neck.

“We’ll get through this. We’ll be okay,” you whispered, brushing your lips against his. Levi nodded slightly, and, with your hand as guidance, gently coated the area around the wound with the salve, gingerly brushing his fingers over the severed sutures.

You hissed, folding in on yourself as you fought to keep your leg straight for him. It burned hot agony through your system, your hand leaving his wrist to ball into a tight fist, a feeble attempt at distracting yourself.

Levi too ground his teeth together, closing his eyes against that heated pain, his own thigh searing as the salve worked against your skin. His fingers wound through your hair, placating soothing strokes against your scalp as you whimpered quietly through the gates of your teeth. He steadied his breathing, hoping that if he could steel himself against the pain, he could help you with it too.

It seemed to work somewhat, your iron grip on his shoulder loosening slightly, the ball of your fist no longer trembling. Either the numbing salve was working, or he’d actually managed to help you both.

Your head fell against his chest, heaving deep breaths. Levi let you recover for a moment, killing two birds with one stone and waiting for the numbing salve to set in. He could gauge the pain himself, gently pressing his finger around the wound until it didn’t make either of you wince. He checked in with you regularly, taking a broken suture between his thumb and forefinger. He could feel the slight pull in his thigh.

“Take an audible breath. When you breathe out, I’m pulling this from your thigh, okay?” He wanted you to know exactly what would happen and when. No surprises here. You nodded, too focused to speak.

Levi heard you take a deep breath, holding it for a moment, before blowing the oxygen from your lungs. At the same time, he pulled the first thread from your thigh, blowing out a breath himself. It wasn’t too bad, a small burning pinch, but that was all. He felt you relax after the first one, your heart calming from its racing beat to a steadier pulse.

He made sure you kept breathing deeply, only pulling out threads on your exhale. He worked as methodically as he could whilst feeling the pain himself, but it didn’t take too long to remove them all.

“Okay… so far so good,” you breathed shakily, pushing your forehead into the comforting kiss he left there.

“You couldn’t have just punched a mirror could you? You had to send your foot through a wall.”

You knew he wasn’t irritated. You would have felt it if he was. He placed the final suture with the others, taking a moment to hold you against him.

“Not on the top ten list of smartest things I’ve ever done, is it?”

“It doesn’t even make the top fifty.”

“I’ve done more than fifty smart things?”

His soft laughter rumbled in his chest, soothing your spike of anxiety as you beheld the needle lying in wait.

He soothed your hair again and you melted into his body, humming contently despite the situation.

But you knew time wasn’t on your side. As per fucking usual.

“Levi, we don’t have long before this wears off…” you murmured, looking down to your leg.

He sighed, nodding in agreement. “I know. This… This is going to hurt like a bitch, okay? The salve will only do so much, but I need you to stay with me and keep breathing,” he instructed, determined to get this done as quickly as he could.

“I’m sorry… I don’t know how to stop you from feeling it…”

His heart broke alongside how defeated you sounded, and could do nothing but hold you through it.

“I wouldn’t want you to, even if you could.”

You didn’t think it possible to fall further in love with him, yet here you were, being swallowed by your own adoration.

Nodding the go-ahead, you took a deep breath in, holding it in your lungs, before once again releasing the tension in your chest.

The moment the needle pierced through your raw flesh, you cried out, nails digging crescents into his bicep. It was a pain unlike any you’d experienced, despite the numbing salve. Flame burned through your blood as you fought against writhing, biting down an agony fueled scream. You smashed your opposite fist into the floor, hoping the dull bruising could help take away from the molten metal branding your thigh.

Levi swore viciously under his breath, doing his best to mask his face against that same agony. He’d been in pain before. Fuck, he managed to badly sprain his ankle on the mission, but this was a whole other level of pain. And, though he knew you needed to do it to distract yourself, hitting your fist like that wasn’t helping him to concentrate.

He managed to pierce the other side of the gash, pulling the thread through before allowing himself to take a shaky gulp of oxygen, taking a moment to try and still his quaking hands.

“I know. I know it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Just stay with me, okay? The first one’s always the worst,” he soothed, though, and understandably so, a whip of anger cracked inside his own chest.

“Then why the fuck are you not writhing and screaming?” you spat, glaring glass shards up at him, sweat sliding down your temple. It was a better approach than crying, he supposed.

“Because my pain is just an echo. Yours is real.” He felt that burning rage dim and fade, watching as you calmed slightly.

“Don’t be stupid… your pain is just as real as mine,” you responded quietly, gently tapping the side of your head against his chest.

He wouldn’t have minded if you hadn’t acknowledged that in the heat of the moment, but the fact that you did meant so much more to him.

“Just… get on with it.”

Levi huffed. So much for that sweet moment. “This is your fault for blowing your stitches.”

“I swear to the fucking Walls, I will stab you with that needle.” You bit back, still not moving from the safety of his chest. He looked down at you then, a brow raised in irony. It took you a moment to see it the way he did, but you couldn’t help but laugh the moment you did. He was already stabbing you with the needle. Got it. “Just sew me up, Ackerman. Then we can talk about who did what to who.”

“Whom.”

You blinked. “Sorry?”

“It’s who did what to whom. Basic grammar.”

“Evelyn?”

It was Levi’s turn to blink. “What?”

“You said basic grandma. You talkin’ about Evelyn?”

“How much blood have you lost? Why would I be talking about Evelyn when I'm repeatedly stabbing you with a needle and sewing up your thigh?”

“That’s what I want to know.”

“You’re so fucking weird, you know that?”

You weakly punched his chest. “You’ve only got yourself to blame. You’re the one who bonded to me, I had nothing to do with it.”

Levi used the distraction to thread the next needle through your thigh. The resulting punch to his chest was a little harder as you gasped in sudden agony. “Fucking bastard!”

“You definitely did have something to do with it, by the way. This doesn’t just… happen.” He managed to get himself back into a rhythm now he got you talking, keeping you engaged whilst fighting against the now bearable pain. “Notice I wasn’t bound to anyone before you?”

“I thought you were just… I don’t know, stiff. Repressed. You know, thrustrated.”

Levi had half the mind to let you bleed out and die. It was only because he would likely die too, did he continue. Only because of that.

“We’re breaking up after this.”

If you had the strength to throw back your head and cackle like a wild Hange, you would have done. But for now you settled on silently giggling, secretly proud of yourself for that pun.

“You know nothing’s secret when I can hear and feel literally everything, right? And no, you may never use the word ‘thrustrated’ ever again.”

“I don’t recall asking your permission.”

“It’s an order.”

You gaped, the corner of your lips still pulling up into a smile. “You can’t pull rank on me like that! That’s just— son of a–” You managed to cut yourself off just in time, being too fond of Kuchel to ever insult her as her son pulled the last thread through your thigh, tying off the knot at the end after closing the gap.

“Yeah, actually I can. And I wasn’t repressed, I’ve just never fallen in—for someone like I have now.” Levi prayed to the fucking Walls you couldn’t see the heat in his cheeks as he started to busy himself with putting the bloodied needle and broken sutures in the cloth he’d just used to clean the wound. “That should hold for now. The scarring might be dodgy but I’m not a medic so it’s to be expected.” He huffed, trading out his slight guilt for irritation at himself, reaching behind him to retrieve the green bottle of antiseptic. Or just extremely concentrated alcohol, which is basically what it was.

“You had that… this whole time… and didn’t think to give me any?” You seethed, gritting your teeth.

“It’s medicinal alcohol, it would taste like shit and most likely poison you. Stay still, last burst of pain and we’re done.” The burning scent of alcohol permeated the air as he unscrewed the cap, firmly holding your thigh steady in one hand. “Breathe for me,” he murmured into your hair, his thumb stroking your leg once before slowly tipping the bottle on its side, soaking your wound.

Your fist pounded the ground again as you fought to contain your scream, your teeth clamping down on your tongue, your nails lacing fire down his bicep. Levi took it. Took all of it. He knew you needed to do whatever you had to in order to withstand the pain. He understood. More than anyone, he understood.

“There. Good girl, it’s over now. We’re done, that’s it.”

You shuddered slightly. “Don’t… don’t say shit like that… when I can’t fuck you… it’s really mean.” You breathed through gritted teeth. Levi had to stop for a moment, his hand shaking from laughing.

“You’re into that?”

“What’s… with the surprise?” You rasped a slow quip, energy running dangerously low.

You took another, deep breath as he set the bottle down, finally able to wrap his arms around you properly. With his help, your heart rate slowed to a steadier thumping, your back against his chest with his legs caging you in. It was a personal favourite place to be for you.

“...Ow.”

“That just about sums it up, yeah.” Levi rumbled, the vibrations of his voice serving to further soothe your weary head.

“Sorry… if it’s any consolation my arm hurts too.” Your fingertips skirted down the bright red lines on his arm from your nails, raising goosebumps to his skin. Levi settled his chin atop your head, tightening his embrace.

“It’s not, but I appreciate the effort.” Though he couldn’t hear you laugh, he could feel it seep through your back straight into his heart. He wondered if he’d ever been this happy, and whether he’ll ever be this happy again. It seemed so much more likely now he was with you.

You settled further into his body, letting the silence blanket you. Moments like these you could never forget. Not simply because they each had a specific place in your soul, but because you wouldn’t let yourself forget them. They were perfect. He was perfect. This was perfect.

Levi looked down as you relaxed further, at first just to appreciate your presence, then to inspect a bruise on your neck. His eyes narrowed, deciphering what the fuck he was looking at. He didn’t remember seeing any bruises on your neck before, his fingertips circling the mark in curiosity as he fought to remember.

No. There definitely wasn’t a bruise on your neck in the field. He would have seen it. So how the fuck did you manage to–

Oh.

Oh shit.

“At least now we know…” he felt you stiffen slightly, turning your head to look at him.

“Now we know what?”

“That whatever marks we make in the bond do show up here…” Levi waited for the realisation to hit you, anticipation alive in the air.

And hit you it did.

“...oh.” Your hand joined his at your pulse, pressing lightly against the bruise he’d left with his teeth. You shivered despite the realisation. “Good to know.”

“As touching as this whole thing has been, everyone here owes me fifteen coins. Cough up.” You, unfortunately, knew that voice all too well to be startled by it. You sighed through your nose, almost refusing to look up. But when you did, you couldn’t help but smile fondly.

Nanaba, Nifa and Hange all looked at you through the doorway, Nanaba with her hand out expectantly as if she could pull coin purses out of thin air. You chuckled at the three of them, and though they couldn’t have shown up at a worse time, you were glad they were here. “And how long have you guys been there?” You asked.

“Since, uh, Captain Levi broke through the door…” Nifa offered sheepishly, clinging to the doorframe.

You blanched. “You’ve been there the whole time?” You thought maybe they’d just walked past or something and seen the carnage. Not that they’d been watching the entire time!

“And not one of you thought to help?” Levi was less forgiving. Maybe that was because you were in agony and they all just fucking stood there and watched instead of offering to assist in some way.

“There was nothing we could have done that you weren’t already doing, it would have been an extra pair of hands in the way, not helping out.” Hange explained gently, looking between you two with a heartwarming smile. You wondered how long they’d suspected this. You placated your partner with a touch to his arm, your hand holding his forearm around your chest.

“Sorry about the room, guys. I’ll see to replacing the dresser.” You blinked slowly at the mess in the room, only really noticing how much carnage you’d wreaked in your fit of rage. “And uh, pillows. And covers. I’ll get the wall seen to as well… and the bed frames.” You cringed with each needed repair listed, falling further into embarrassment. “Uh… sorry.”

Nanaba raised a brow, before rolling her eyes. “That’s all replaceable. You, however, are not. We’re just glad you’re still alive and okay.” It was rare for Nanaba to say things like this. Her harsh exterior masked just how loving she truly was, even if she didn’t always show it in conventional ways.

It’s part of the reason why she’s one of your closest friends. A mutual understanding of tough love.

“Thanks, Nana.” You nodded in mutual care, your heart warming as Levi squeezed his arms slightly in acknowledged pride.

“Yeah, don’t get too sappy. You still look like shit. And go to bed for fuck’s sake. It’s, like, three in the morning.” She folded her arms, and you were surprised to see her cheeks slightly tinted pink. You’d never seen her blush before. It was a nice change of pace.

Levi took that as his cue to move from behind you, propping you up with his hand until he’d stood to his feet and lifted you into his chest, arms hooked under your knees and around your back. He would never get tired of carrying you like this.

The side of your head instantly fell against his shoulder, your hands gripping the front of his tee, not having the energy to circle them around his neck. You knew he wouldn’t drop you anyway.

“It’s kinda jarring seeing the Captain be so affectionate.” Nanaba commented, her arms still folded.

Nifa nodded in agreement. “It’s a little odd to see, but nice.” She reiterated, much to your amusement and Levi’s displeasure.

“I’m right here.” He muttered, rolling his eyes skyward. Though he looked back down fondly as you pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, a content little smile pulling at the corners of his lips.

“Alright, bed, everyone. You two, no funny business now, alright?” Hange winked in your direction, and both you and Levi flattened them with identical stares.

“...Hange, I almost bled out. We’ve literally just been through hell and back.” You said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh, I’m sure Shorty finds a way.” They grinned mischievously. You opened your mouth to protest, only to find that you had nothing to protest against. Levi looked down at you, wide-eyed, having expected you to refute their claim.

“I mean… they’re not wrong.” You shrugged, much to Hange’s ridiculous delight.

“We’re leaving.”

There was obviously no room for debate as he strode out the door, clutching you tighter when breezing past the other three, only walking faster as you started to giggle. Before your laughter was cut short when he stepped a little weirdly and his ankle barked in pain. You were out of earshot from the others by now, and it was obvious by your face that you’d felt it.

“What happened?” You asked instantly, already trying to set yourself down from his hold. He, of course, refused.

“Nothing catastrophic. Just bent it fighting the Female Titan. It’s fine.” He kept walking, now struggling to keep his hold on you. If you would stop squirming.

“Levi, put me down. Now.”

“No.”

“I can walk just fine. Just put me down, you’re in pain.”

“If I let you walk, both my ankle and my thigh would hurt. Just stay still.” He countered, his tone clipped.

“That’s a bullshit excuse. Put me down.” You tried again, only resulting in him holding you closer and tighter.

“Let me do this.”

You stopped, eyes wide. He wasn’t looking at you. Refused to look at you. So you took a hand off his shirt and gently guided his face to yours by his cheek. “‘Vi?”

Levi took a breath, steeling himself. “I thought I lost you today. I thought you were dead. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to… do this again. So just, let me. Please.”

You hadn’t thought of it that way. You hadn’t even considered that. You gaped slightly as you realised the last thing he would have heard from you was…

“Okay…” you acquiesced, relaxing in his hold and letting him keep you close. He needed this, just as you needed to scream earlier. He’d let you cry into his embrace, you would let him keep you there. “But the second we’re in bed you’re bandaging that, deal?” You bargained, running your thumb over his cheekbone. Levi rumbled a chuckle, releasing a grateful breath.

“Deal.”

First, one day passed. Then two. Then three. The headquarters were quiet with sorrow. A lot of good soldiers died on that expedition. The whole left side had been wiped out, along with the Special Operations squad. Your squad.

It was silent in the common room, the ghosts of the recent past whispering in between the books on the shelf, echoes of phantom laughter bouncing off the walls. Coffee stains and whiskey spills stained the short elm table between the leather couches, an abandoned deck of cards still askew in the centre. You’d been taking each day as they came, focusing on getting out of bed, eating properly, drinking enough water to keep you going. Levi wouldn’t let you drown yourself in your thoughts, so you drowned yourself in his paperwork, sitting opposite him and taking parchment after parchment from the stack, before he would take the pen from your fingers and call it a night.

It wasn’t uncommon for him to catch you back at it once he’d managed to fall asleep. He would wake up almost instantly, and give you five minutes to return before he would go out after you. More often than not, you forced him to leave the bed just to drag you back.

You were dreading this day in particular. Memorials. The last one you attended was Ilse’s and you still remember standing in front of her grave when she was declared dead, flowers limp in your hand. You knew you didn’t deserve to be there. You knew you should have swapped places. That she should be there, flowers in hand in front of your grave. You would have given anything to go back and fix it. To tell her to take your horse and run. To at least try and save her life. It was a cruel reminder that you only get one chance. Fuck it up, and you live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

“It’s time.”

You stared out the window of the common room, the rain leaving trailing droplets down the glass pane. In your hands you held your friends: Gunther’s most cursed doll he bought from the market and placed two miles out from HQ. Oluo’s lucky cravat. One of Petra’s thousand shirts she seemed to own.

And the scarf Eld left for you.

Turning, you saw Levi in his military coat, hands delved deep into his pockets, his expression softly concerned as he looked at you, eyes glancing briefly to the effects in your hands.

“I… They had nothing to bury, so I just thought… I thought…” Something thick lodged in your throat, voice cracking, tears spiking your eyes as you fell silent, looking back out the window to avoid showing him your tears. “Shit.” You angrily swiped at your face with the heels of your palms, cradling their souls in your arms. “I can’t. I can’t let them go.” You grit through your teeth, angling your head up to stop your tears from spilling over. Your knuckles faded white as you gripped what remained of your family.

You didn’t hear him cross the floor to you, only felt his hand settle atop yours, softly unclenching your fist. Once you’d just managed to scramble up your falling pieces, you turned to face him, and dropped all the pieces you’d just picked up. “I don’t know if I can do this.” You whispered brokenly, those tears you tried so hard to keep finally spilling down your cheeks.

Levi caught them with his thumbs, hands cradling your face. “Nobody’s forcing you to go out there. And not one of us would speculate if you’re not there. We’ve all been through grief. We’re no strangers to its void.” You knew he was right. Nobody would think less of you if you didn’t show. But it felt like such a dishonour to them if you didn’t. You looked down to the variety of things in your hands as he slowly took each one from you, folding Oluo’s cravat atop Petra’s shirt, placing the doll by the side. He went to take the scarf, but you held it tight.

“Not this one. It… It belongs to Georgia. Not me. If she's there today, I’ll… I’m going to give it back to her.” You stared vacantly at the fabric in your hands, slightly crumpled from how tight you’d been clutching it the last few days. Levi’s brows lifted in sceptical concern, but he didn’t say anything. He’d read that letter on your floor. He knew as well as you did who the scarf was for. But it was your decision to make. Not his.

“Alright. You ready?” he asked, openly prepared for if you needed more time. But you nodded once, your grip tightening around the soft fabric once again.

“Yeah… let’s go.”

The rain pattered against your coat as you stepped out of the comforting warmth of the common room and into the grey. At least your grief could be easily disguised, not that it needed to be. You walked beside him the whole way, appreciating the occasional arm squeeze he would give you if he felt you start to lose your composure. You’d asked him to help you stay together. You knew it was a monumental task, but he would try his damn best to do what you needed him to.

Even in public.

You tried to keep your breathing even as you approached the four, freshly turned mounds of soil. You guess they must have found something to bury for them, or else it was just to make it seem like they still had bodies to bury. You didn’t know which was worse.

You walked alongside Levi up the small row, setting your jaw against those familiar names.

Oluo Bozado.

Petra Ral.

Gunther Schultz

Eld Jinn.

You stopped at the final grave, your scarf held tight to your constricted chest.

“I’ll give you a moment… Come find me after.” Levi said gently, leaving you with a soft caress down your arm.

You took a second to collect yourself. Should you say something? Should you just stay silent? You didn’t say anything at Ilse’s memorial.

But you didn’t do anything right when it came to Ilse.

So you knelt in the grass, rain seeping through the knee of your uniform. You stayed silent for a moment, before settling on how to start.

“Thank you… for– for everything. You saved my life, Eld. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save yours. I was honoured when you asked me to be by your side at your wedding. Honoured. I don’t really know what to do now you’re gone. I guess I’m just… gonna try. But that’s all all of us could ever do, right? Just keep trying.

“Sorry… this speech isn’t as practised as the one I would have said at your wedding. And, uh, sorry I couldn’t return your copy of Frederik and Jules to you. But rest easy knowing it’s in the safest hands of the world’s number one fan.” You grinned shakily, taking another shuddering breath. “Who the hell am I supposed to have as my best man now? Though I suppose Levi would be choosing that… maybe you could have been head bridesmaid? You’d have looked stunning in a dress.” It almost felt like he wasn’t gone, talking to him like this. And for a brief, blissful moment, you could pretend he was just sitting on the other side of that gravestone, grinning from ear to ear. You released a rogue sob, before composing yourself again.

“Can’t believe you’re still making me cry even now. Always such an asshole.” You laughed tearily, using the damp edges of your jacket to wipe at your cheeks. You placed a hand on the upturned earth, feeling the dirt seep through your fingers. “Shine bright, Eld Jinn. I’ll see you in the stars.”

You stood, brushing off your hand onto your coat and taking a deep, quaking breath. You turned away, eyes searching for Levi in the rain, before landing on someone you hoped you both would and wouldn’t see.

“Georgia…” She was dressed in black, porcelain skin almost mistaking her for a ghost in the mist. She wore no veil, too similar to her looming wedding day, you’d imagine, but had her hair pinned up in a tight but. Her smile held no venom, only empathetic understanding.

“I hoped I would see you here.” She spoke with an uncanny softness, as if retelling an old tale by a fireplace. You could see why Eld fell for her the way he did. You dipped your head as she approached, avoiding her warm gaze. You held out your hands, offering her the soft scarf now dotted with rain.

“Eld… he… he, uh, he bought this for you. Before the expedition. He didn’t have the chance to give it to you, so I thought––”

“No. He didn’t.” Her dainty hands enveloped yours, closing your fingers around the scarf. “It was for you. It always was. Eld was… a sentimental man. Having you by his side was his one wish for that day. It was the one thing he wouldn’t compromise. Not that anyone asked him to.”

Your eyes widened at her calm demeanour, unsure as to how she was managing to keep it. Not only was her fiancé dead because of you, but he’d been in love with you for years before meeting Georgia. She should despise you.

“I don’t, by the way. I don’t hate you. I know I should, and I was honestly expecting to, but I can’t. You’re… you’re all I physically have left of him.” It was the first time you’d seen tears line her eyes as she looked away. You knew what she meant. You’d known him for longer, since he was a cadet. He was the first on Levi’s list when asked to form a squad of his own. You had so many memories with him, you didn’t doubt she would want to know them all.

“I’m so sorry… It was my fault. He traded my life for his own. He didn’t even have time to think, He just––”

“Eld never made a decision without first properly weighing up his options. He knew he could die. Every expedition, he knew, could have been his last. So he chose to live life whilst he could. And he wanted you to do the same.” She squeezed your hands, and you knew it was a way to fight back tears. “You have a second chance now. Don’t let his death shackle you to fear. He would want you to move on from this.” She looked to his grave, a melancholic smile playing on her painted lips. “He would want us both to move on.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from lunging forward and taking her into your arms, and she responded instantly. As perfectly put together as she looked today, you knew she needed this. Someone to see through the shit and just react. So she held you back, gloved fingers scrunching your olive coat. “He was a good man, Georgia.”

She pulled back, and you didn’t want to know whether it was rain or a tear sliding down her cheek. It wasn’t your business to scrutinise her like that.

“He still is.” You both turned to look at his grave as she said that, as if he was still listening. You wouldn’t be surprised if he was. Taking the scarf in your hands, you wound it around your neck, tying it off with a knot at the side. Georgia’s eyes welled up again as she nodded in approval, her fingers gently brushing against the fabric. You knew it was hard for her to let go of it like that, but as Levi did with you, you didn’t question her methods of coping. Only did what she asked of you.

Georgia said nothing else as you left her to grieve, finding Levi taking shelter beneath the canopy of a large oak. He felt you approach before he saw you, hands still stuck deep within his pockets.

“You okay?” He asked, by way of greeting as you joined him under the oak, the sudden cease of raindrops creating a strange sense of peace for you.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Now I am.” He tenderly tucked a limp stray hair back into place on your head, a gesture you knew was just an excuse to cup the side of your face. Not like you would ever call him out on it. You loved it too much.

“I’m proud of you,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead when he knew no eyes were on you. You smiled, eyes screwed shut as you fought to not to break down again.

“Thank you.” You whispered back, slipping your hand into his pocket to take his. It was moments like these where you didn’t know what you would do without him.

Oh, who were you kidding? All moments you wondered what you’d do without him.

“You sure you’re okay?” He reiterated before beginning to walk back to the barracks, with you in tow. You nodded confirmation, eyes squinting from the thickening lashes of rain. “Good. Erwin, Hange and Armin have come up with a plan to expose the rat now they know who it is. Hange mentioned needing your assistance.” It was the best therapy, going back to work. Georgia was right. You needed to move on from this, and doing your job was the best way forward. It’s what they all would have done for you.

And when you glanced back, you didn’t care whether it was a trick of the light or your mind conjuring images that weren’t there. Because you saw them then. The four, faded figures of your family, waving a fond farewell from the rain.

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aimlessadulting · 1 year

Text

too slow

pairing: miguel o'hara x spider!fem!reader

warnings: angst heheh. spoilers! small scenes of somewhat explicit nsfw. mentions of death!

summary: the both of you would come back from this. you would...right?

word count: 4.9k

author's note: did i come out of hiatus just to post a angsty miguel fic? yes. you know i had to as y'alls fav angst queen <3

No matter how far you left that spider life behind, he somehow managed to pull you back in.

And god you tried so desperately to stay away. To refuse him.

Miguel O’Hara just had a way with you. He always did.

Sometimes you wished you were stronger.

The moment you stepped into your apartment was when all of your senses struck your spine and made you freeze in your doorway.

No one else would have known to continue forward cautiously by leaping up to your ceiling and crawling the rest of the way into the apartment, high on alert. Then again, no one else was you. At least not in this universe.

Your spider senses got worse as you crawled toward your ajar bedroom door. When you were close enough, you dropped down as quietly as you could to the floor. One hand preparing a web to shoot and the other raising toward the door to push it further open.

Only you freeze all together.

A sharp tingle struck your back.

Behind you.

Of course, you were quick. Without turning toward the intruder entirely, you shot a web to grab a large vase sitting on a nearby table in the short hallway and swung it behind you. They dodged the vase just as fast and you instantly shot both of your webs toward the intruder. Only for them to be caught by them with both their hands.

“I’m disappointed, Domino.”

It was a mistake to let your guard down by only a little. It was a mistake to instantly recognize his voice.

“Miguel—AAARGH!”

A sudden yank from the webs caused you to fly forward until an iron grip wrapped around both your wrists. Until you were facing the scarlet and blue mask of the one Spider-Man you never expected to see again.

“Too slow.” Even with the mask, you could hear his smirk.

Now that you were aware of who you were dealing with, the tension in your muscles lessened. Just a little.

Some part of you wanted to say “You shouldn’t be here” but since you weren’t in the mood for a long and exhausting spout with the man, you took the more easy and straightforward route of the conversation.

“Why are you here, Miguel?”

His hold on your wrists loosened but he didn’t let go right away. Which was to your dismay as you really didn’t want to be this close to him. Not when you knew that both seeing him now and now having very little space between the both of you would compromise your senses, your steeled will.

And yet you didn’t pull away.

You watched quietly as his mask disappeared, trying your very best not to get too drawn into his features like you used to. Resisting the urge to run your fingers through his dark locks, tugging on some of them like the old days.

Stop.

That was a long time ago.

And it should remain that way.

Unfortunately, Miguel didn’t appear as strong or restrained. The way he hungrily looked at you wasn’t missed but it certainly wasn’t voiced. By either of them. That was something they wouldn’t touch right now. Probably not ever.

When his forehead gently brushed against yours, when his scent overwhelmed your nostrils was when you forced yourself back on solid ground.

“Miguel.”

Eventually, he also had to pull himself together. Eventually, he dropped his hold on your wrists and walked around you, putting a good distance between the two of you. Warily and curiously, you watched his movements.

He gestured toward the shattered pieces of what once was the vase, “I bought you that, you know. That was rude.”

“So is breaking into someone’s apartment.” You retorted dryly.

Miguel suddenly took out a small object that shone in the gentle light of the sunset, “I still have a key.”

You huffed, “Imma need that back.” You tried reaching for it, only for Miguel to quickly yank it out of your reach, the beginnings of a smirk forming on his face. That’s when you grew annoyed.

“I thought you were never gonna come back to this universe again. Remember? You went on a whole tyrant about it.”

“Mmm.” Was his response at first. You silently watched him tuck the extra key away into some invisible pocket in his suit. “That was only after you said you were never coming back to the team” You tensed at this as the memories came trickling back. “Or coming back to me—”

“So what’s changed?”

Miguel frowned, “I need you—”

“No.”

You reframed from smirking at the twitch in his jaw, at the way his trained mask momentarily slipped at your obvious stubbornness. You gestured in the direction of the front door, “If that’s all, the door’s over there—”

“It’s Electro.” That, of course—he knew it would—made you stop. It was your turn for your mask to fall, just enough for Miguel to notice as well. The intenseness in his features softened, “It’s your brother…he somehow made it into another universe—”

“When do we leave?” Miguel had the audacity to look surprised. You glared, “I’m not doing this for you, O’Hara. It’s like you said, he’s my brother. After that, I’m done for good, you hear me?”

With that, he schooled his face back to a controlled mask. One that meant business.

“Whatever you say, Domino.”

You wince and send him another glare before stalking toward your bedroom to change.

Ever since he started calling you that name, Domino, you’ve hated it. It originated from a mission gone bad—mostly for you—and he hadn’t stopped calling you Domino since. It was mostly because you had been knocked down into a bunch of trash cans that happened to be in a long line.

Hobie said you tumbled like a stack of dominos. Miguel never let that moment go.

Fuck him.

Yet despite your hatred for it, you never discouraged it. You just liked the way he said it. You liked the way his voice softened whenever—

No. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck. Him.

After this you wouldn’t ever have to see him again. You wouldn’t ever have to be wrapped up in his shadows, in his overwhelming way of showing…

Fuck him.

It was odd being back in your old suit. Frankly, it felt dated as you swung around in it. There was an itching part of you that wanted to update it, get new designs, and test them out of your suit. Self-restraint was a challenge during that mission. Especially around Miguel.

Thankfully, Jessica and Hobie showed up so it wasn’t just you and Miguel facing Electro—or in other words your estranged brother. It was already enough having to face family drama, but then you add a frustratingly unlabeled drama that kept interfering with your focus.

“Stay on your side, O’Hara!” You snapped when you dodged an electric zap sent your way.

“Don’t be a child!” Miguel shot back.

“I’m not! We agreed Hobie and I’d take left and you and Drew would take right! You are not holding your end of the agreement!” You landed on a nearby pylon. “Which is no surprise!”

Another blast came from Electro, this time aimed at Miguel and Hobie. Hobie was able to swing out of the way and land on the same tower with you while Miguel landed on the other side, “What the hell is that supposed to mean!?”

“She means you’re an asshole, bud.” Hobie added.

“Nobody asked you!”

“Hey!” Jessica shouted from below, steering her motorcycle toward Electro, “Less fighting like children and more getting this guy before he causes the entire city to go dark!”

The fight hadn’t gone on for long. Eventually, you were able to confront your brother up close despite Miguel’s protests against it. Yet you were the one that knew your brother the best, who was he or anyone else to tell you what to do when it came to him? Certainly not, Miguel. Leader of a secret society or not, this was your turf. He asked you here and you would complete the job the way you knew how.

There was a point where you managed to get Electro at a somewhat calm and the thrilled part of you was ready to prove Miguel right. But unfortunately, family bonds wouldn’t save you in this situation. It wouldn’t tie anything up in the neat bow you were expecting.

The blast nearly threw you entirely off the building if not for a bunch of webs catching you in mid air and bringing you back up. Miguel and Hobie managed to subdue Electro thanks to your unintentional distraction while Jessica was the one to pull you back to your feet.

“Damn, babes, that was a close one.” She gave an amused smirk. “Just how long have you been out of the game?”

“Shut up, Drew.” You grumbled despite the other woman’s grin.

Coming back to HQ was the very last thing you wanted to do. But you wanted to make sure your brother was properly dealt with. Even if that meant dealing with Miguel’s bullshit along the way.

As you entered the computer room, Miguel’s mask came off, “What the hell was that back there?”

“Domino doing Domino things.” You mutter dryly.

“Yeah you are.” Hobie held up his hand for a high five, which you reluctantly gave.

Miguel sent him a scathing scowl before turning back to you, “You think this is funny? You could’ve gotten yourself killed back there!”

“I had it handled.” You gritted out, removing your own mask. “He didn’t need everyone coming at him all at once. If you had given me a few more minutes with him—“

“But we didn’t have a few minutes, did we?” Miguel snapped quickly.

“No, of course not.” You crossed your arms, ignoring how he stood taller than you. Ignoring how he would’ve appeared menacing if not for your pissed off mood. “Because everything has to go O’Hara’s way, right? Fuck everybody else.”

Hobie smirked from the side of the room, his mask also removed, “I missed her. ‘ow come she’s not around often, Bossman?”

Miguel’s jaw twitched dangerously because they all knew Hobie never referred to him as “Bossman” unless to piss him off. because he knew that Hobie didn’t respect him as much, and didn't care for him as a leader. Bossman was just Hobie being a little shit, in Miguel’s words at least.

“It was fucking reckless.” Miguel seethed. “And as usual, you’re too immature to even realize what you did. What could’ve happened—“

“You brought me here!” You snapped back, as venomous as his fangs. “If you don’t like my way then you should’ve left me the fuck alone!”

“Guys, come on.” Jessica sighed, already used to the both of you like this.

Miguel was fuming and trying so desperately to hide the fact that you easily worked him up this way. And him failing at hiding it only made him pissed off even more.

He hissed, turning his back to you.“I was being considerate. For your sake. It was your brother after all…” It was a mistake bringing you in. I should’ve known fucking better.”

A bitter laugh left your lips, “Finally! We can agree on something!” You stalked out of the room with Hobie trailing behind you—you were used to him following you around—as you muttered, “Let me know when you’ll be sending Max back.”

Just as you left the room, there was a loud crash and Jessica snapping at Miguel.

When your brother was finally sent back to your universe so that he could be sent to a cell powerful enough to hold him, you left HQ and didn’t look back when you did. Swearing to yourself that it would be the last time you would ever allow yourself to step back into that place. To allow yourself to set your eyes upon him again.

Unfortunately, that promise didn’t last too long.

Despite yourself, you started messing with your suit designs. Adding new stuff to make it look less dated than before. But that didn’t mean you were back to that spider life. No. Not one bit.

Hobie swung by your dimension and suggested that both of you went crime fighting for the day. And you only agreed just so your fighting techniques weren’t so rusty anymore. But you weren’t back in the game. No one bit.

Then Jessica came to visit, claiming that she wanted you to see the progress in her pregnancy and catch up as friends. Which then led you to following her into another dimension to fight another Rhino, which was a great success.

Fuck, you missed this.

And you were tempted. You really were tempted to swing through your city as their Spider person again.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt after all. Didn’t mean you had to face Miguel. Yes. That was fine.

In the next month forward, you had started your crime fighting as the spider person of your dimension. A new suit and refreshed skills, you felt unstoppable. You even brought out your dimension traveling bracelet. Just to go and visit Hobie and Jessica whenever. Just that.

Soon, Jessica took on a new protege. Spider-Gwen. She was a nice kid and started coming over to your dimension with Hobie whenever they had the time. You liked her alot. She was like a little sister whenever she came around. Same as Hobie being like a younger brother to you.

At one point you found yourself back at HQ—you were honestly terrible at keeping your steeled will—but only to return a few bad guys to their respectful dimensions. You had fully planned on avoiding Miguel—at this point you hadn’t seen each other since your spat a month ago—and going back to your dimension.

That was the plan at least.

“How come you never go with us to see Miguel?” Gwen asked while the two of you watched one of the villains being sent back to their dimension. “You two don’t get along or…?”

Spider-Byte snorted and you sent the hologram a glare, “They have a special history, newbie. You’ll see someday.”

“Quiet, kid.” You mumbled, crossing your arms before addressing Gwen, “Yeah…we don’t get along. It’s best for the both of us that we aren’t in the same room together, right now.”

“Is it?”

You tried your very best not to allow your face to fall into shock at his voice coming from behind you and Gwen. Really, you should’ve expected that to happen.

Miguel approached the two of you, glancing briefly toward Gwen but his eyes remained glued to yours. “Drew’s asking for you. Says she needs your help on Level 4.”

It took you a few seconds to realize he had been talking to Gwen as the blonde nodded her head and disappeared out of the room. Spider-Byte threw on some headphones and continued with her work. In other words, it was just the two of you. The very opposite of what you had planned and wanted.

“I hear you’ve been coming around here a lot more often.” Miguel mused as he brushed past you, his arm grazing yours as he did. You watched him, a lot less hostile than you thought you would be. Instead, you only stared at his back muscles. “I didn’t know you’ve become quite the contradicting person.”

You shrugged, hugging your arms closer to you, “I’ve just been helping Jess and Hobie out. S’not a big deal.”

A sound came from his throat, similar to a chuckle, “I also hear that the White Spider is back on the news.”

“You’ve been keeping tabs on me?” You instead said, one of your brows raising slightly. “When did you start that up again?”

Miguel glanced over his shoulder, his face unreadable, “Who says I ever stopped?”

You smirk, trying to hide how tight your chest felt at his words. At how soft his voice had gotten.

“Look who’s become contradicting now.”

Miguel was quiet at that.

You tried to continue your original goal after that frustratingly vague interaction. You weren’t really sure where you had stood with him after that. Sure, you still were hesitant to rejoin the society fully—mostly because of him—but now you were going on missions with some of the members and helping Jessica train her protégé. At this point, you were practically back, just without the official stuff.

And now you were on a mission with Miguel. You hadn’t been on one of these since your fight. Piece by piece you were just breaking your own promises, your stubbornness was weakening. Your spine had shaken.

Damn him.

No matter what you could never resist Miguel.

You could tell it was the same for him.

“You should go home.”

“Do you know how many times you’ve said that and I’ve still ended up staying?” You leaned on the doorway entrance to his quarters with a smug look on your face. “I think you should give it up by now.”

Miguel was topless. After a particularly long mission, a lot of the team had come out with some cuts and bruises, Miguel wasn’t exempt from that.

You watched as he was cleaning his wound on his left shoulder, only that put too much strain on his bruised side every time he reached his right hand over to tend to that shoulder. For a few more minutes you watched him keep going at it before you sighed and eventually stepped in.

“Stop.” You smacked his hand to the side gently and took the bloodied cloth from his hand.

Miguel tensed, “Domino—”

“I’ve got it.” You told him sternly. “We don’t need you reopening your stitches. Just relax. I’ve got you.”

Your words had disarmed him and caused him to loosen the tension in his muscles at your gentle touch. The wound wasn’t too bad, at least not as bad as the one under his right arm. Once the blood was wiped away, there was just a bit of purple coloring. The blood must’ve been from someone else.

His breaths fanned against your own shoulder. You didn’t forget how close the two of you were in that moment. It was more like you were trying to distract yourself from the fact.

Instead, a small smile tugged at your lip, “It’s been a minute since you’ve been injured.” You noted the light scars on the other parts of his arm.

“Not really.” Miguel grunted, ducking his head down as he rested his elbows on his knees. “I got hit a couple months back. Only difference was that you weren’t there to lick my wounds clean.”

“Do you always need me to?” You joked halfheartedly.

A small tug upward in his lip made your heart skip, “I would prefer it better than being alone.”

“I thought you liked being a loner.”

“Not these days.”

You knew you were treading dangerous territory but the question left your lips before you could rethink it through.

“Did you really want me to go?”

Underneath your fingers, you felt him inhale, slowly.

“Honest?”

You scoffed, “I wouldn’t be asking if I wanted to hear a lie.”

Over his shoulder, he stared at you. A part of you wanted to shift under his intense gaze, a part of you wanted to look away sheepishly but you bravely held it. Though the change in your grip was probably a dead giveaway at your nervousness.

“If it were up to me, you wouldn’t have ever left my sight.”

You tried not to feel too overwhelmed by his words, knowing it was your own fault for asking. For even bringing it up in the first place.

So instead you snorted, “Wow. Sounds awfully possessive—”

His other hand grasped the back of your neck and brought you toward him, your lips connecting. His desperation for you was clear. And your resolve had slowly fallen—no that was such a lie. It had quickly crumbled the moment you felt his touch, the moment his lips were on yours, the moment you felt his desperation sink into your skin just as easily as his fangs would.

When his larger body moved on top of you, you knew your resolve had fully broken. Completely gone. When his lips found your neck, you were gone. When his hips rutted against yours, your mind was gone. When you finally felt him sink into your being, when you felt him inside you—god you never realized how much you had wanted this until now.

No. You knew.

Miguel held your hands down to the bed sheets, only you managed to slip them from his grip and find them tugging and running through his hair, legs wrapped around his hips to pull him closer.

You felt him smirk against your neck, “My stubborn girl.”

And just like that you were back into a cycle in which you swore not to fall into again. Only, this time the two of you didn’t make it known to the others. It was a silent choice between the two of you to keep whatever this was to yourselves. It was better that way you realized.

But as time went by, you knew it would be a little more difficult to hide it. Miguel was touchy. It was fine on days where it was just the both of you, when the both of you were working on something together. Yet on the days where you are around others, such as missions, you know he can’t help himself. And neither can you.

The both of you were terrible at hiding it in the end.

Hobie was surprisingly observant.

“You’re lookin’ cozy now.”

You glanced up to find Hobie lounging about as you were looking at videos of different dimensions. “Let it go, B—”

“I ain’t sayin’ shit.” He shrugged. “Just noticed a few things is all.”

And the two of you left it at that. Never really spoke on it again. Hobie now knew. And Jessica had eyes and a brain, she probably already put two and two together. Especially with you coming to HQ a lot more often now. Even the newbie, Gwen, took double takes every now and then whenever she saw you and Miguel together.

“You seem particularly stressed tonight.” You hummed to him on another night—this time in your apartment, squirming as his cock twitched inside of you.

Miguel looked down at you, a brow raised in challenge, “Can’t take it tonight, baby? Usually you like it a little rough, hmm?” He buried his face into your neck, his thrusts slower than before. Gentle nips at your neck that would sure to leave bruises the next day. Just the way he liked it. The possessive shithead.

“And yet, you’re still stressed.” You whisper next to his ear, breathing out a sigh of pleasure.

Miguel grunted in reply and remained at your neck. Until he slowly pulled away to rest his forehead on yours. He sighed against your skin, “Just another anomaly. Nothing we can’t fix.”

You smiled with a soft hum, “You always do anyway.”

His lips were pressed into yours, a hint of a smile shaping his mouth, “Not just me.”

The anomaly problem never went away it seemed. Soon Miguel got buried deep into his work. You were fine with it, already used to his committed work habits. Besides, you had your own world to manage. You weren’t just waiting all night for him to come home like some girlfriend slowly practicing patience. No, instead you had your own thoughts to keep you busy. But you still managed to find time and visit HQ. To visit the others. To visit Miguel.

It wasn’t until the anomaly was formed into a single person. Another Spider-Man. A kid.

Miles Morales.

Gwen told you about him a few times. How he was the first friend she made after her Peter’s death. You remembered wanting to meet the boy with how much Gwen kept talking about him. And you told Gwen this as well. That they should plan a day to go visit him. Unfortunately, that day never came to fruition.

The unfortunate part was the why.

“What are you not telling me about this Miles guy?” You already knew the answer. You weren’t stupid. You just wanted to know if Miguel would tell you. Would trust you with the information.

Miguel had his back turned to you, facing the screens when you stalked into the room to ask him this. “He isn’t your concern.”

“Bullshit.” You cross your arms. “Clearly, you said something to Gwen. And Jess. Hell, even Hobie. What are you not telling me, Miguel? Why is Miles Morales so important?” You narrow your eyes challengingly, “Or rather, why does he make you so nervous—”

“Enough, Domino.” Miguel said through gritted teeth, trying desperately not to snap at you. “He isn’t your concern. Let it go.”

Hobie had already filled you in on the details before you had come to Miguel about it. The information in itself was troubling, yes. But what was even more troubling was why she was hearing it from someone else other than Miguel. Why did he want to keep you in the dark about this?

That’s when your eyes landed on the old video of him and his daughter. The daughter he lost on another Earth.

“Fine.” You frowned. “Don’t tell me.”

Miguel still had his back toward you. You scoffed and turned to leave. You would’ve been fine to leave it there. That was the one thing the two of you disagreed on the most. The canon stuff. Your sister had to die for it. That’s why Max had become what he had become. That’s why you had left the society, left him in the first place.

Restarting all of this. Thinking you could forgive.

But there was no way you could’ve ever forgotten.

You had to stand by and watch your sister die because it was a part of canon. Because Miguel cared for you and your world so much that he did not want to see it unravel like his did. A part of you wanted to believe that—maybe there was a small part that did—but that didn’t change the grief nor the terror. You just hoped.

Hoped. And hoped. And hoped….

Eventually, you did some research for yourself. Apparently, this Miles guy hadn’t lost his parents but his uncle. Apparently, you were supposed to lose his dad once he became captain. There was nothing you could do about it if it was supposed to happen. You certainly couldn’t tell him that was going to happen.

You couldn’t do anything….

Until you could.

Hobie appeared in the middle of your living room that night.

“I quit that place.” He shrugged, flopping down onto the couch next to you. “But I suggest you suit up, yeah?”

“Why?” You furrowed your brows, placing down your book you had been reading until he unexpectedly arrived.

“Because I ‘ave a good feelin’ you are the only person that wouldn’t like what’s about to happen. What’s currently happening.”

This time you frowned, an aching feeling tugging at your chest.

“Hobie. What’s going on?”

It wasn’t long until you were flying through the HQ, following all of the spider people as they chased after one thing. One person.

Nobody had known you were there. Nor what you were there for. You had blended into the crowd of spider people, flying around, swinging around until you spotted a blip of the boy that they were chasing. And you saw Miguel, Gwen, and Jessica going after him.

All that you knew was that he was alone. The boy was alone. He needed at least one person at his side. One person who understood what he was going through right then.

By the time you had gotten to the speeding trains, Miguel had Miles pinned down to the top of the train. He had yet to see you. But there was no doubt he would sense you. There was no doubt that he would see your flashing figure, zipping toward him. There was no doubt that in the corner of his eye, he would see you flying at him with a kick and landing it just perfectly, and in time before he could prepare to block you.

Now you stood in front of Miles as Miguel rolled away before clawing his hand into the top of the train to keep him on it.

You removed your mask and grinned, “Too slow, O’Hara!”

“Y/N!” Gwen stared at you in shock.

“Who’s that?!” One Spider-Man with a pink robe—and a baby—attached to him questioned in confusion.

Miguel crawled to his feet. In the corner of your eye Miles jumped off the train and disappeared in seconds. “What have you done?!”

You shrugged, “Nothing yet. That depends on you.”

“Y/N, don’t!” Jessica shouted. “You can’t beat him!”

Miguel’s face was twisted into a scowl, mixed with both betrayal and anger, “She’s right, Domino. You can’t win. You’re on the wrong side!”

You pulled your mask back on and melted into a fighting stance, “I don’t have to win. I just have to give the kid more time.”

For a brief second, the scowl was gone. This look was only for her to see. The same look he wore when she first quit the society.

They were back to where it all began. This was the cycle. It was bound to happen. You knew this. He knew this.

“I don’t want to fight you.” He gritted out. “Stand down, Domino. I’ll only ask this once.”

Not once did you budge.

“I hope we come back from this, Miguel.”

You dashed forward.

Miguel let out a roar of anger and dashed toward you.

The two of you would meet in the middle. And for a second, you really wondered…

Would you?

Would you come back from this?

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