air--bag - Tumblr blog

air--bag · 8 years ago

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I really don´t know how to start this, or it´s future implications, or if you still use Tumblr, or if you still remember me, or if you´´ll ever see this or if it´s going to be read by someone. But even if this go invisible for centuries or forever I need to put this somewhere so I can be a bit more free and maybe one day you´ll read this and finally you will know my feelings for you. (Sorry for the shity grammar and ortography or for mixing spanish words but im kinda lazy and this is really long, so ill just leave it as it its)

I was 13 years old the first time I saw you, it was the second day of school our professor came in when class had already started and in front of him there was a new student, it was indeed someone new. Since the first time I swa you, I knew you weren´t from here, you were so diffren to all of us. We were plain and common stupid suckers that only thought in when to lose virginity and to get waste for the first time in our lives; but you didn´t seem to be that kind of person. you seemed to be quite more deep. THe first time I talked you I thought you were really old and you fucking hated ll of us., it´s kinda of surprising how close you came to be for me, after that first encounter. We eventually become friends, I don´t know how but it happened and actually you turned up to be really fucking cool I mean you were the shit. .You were like really something else, i mean your overall style, and you were a talented drawer (you are still ive seen some of your shit and tis really great). and yu were a cospayer. So in conclsuion we were lightyears from beenso cool like you... From that first year I don´t remeber to much, just htat you lost someon important in your life, and I still remeber how you didn´t go to school and the night that, with a friend, i went to see you. I kept talking to you during vacations and that made so happy because I fucked it up, but about that I will talkin other part of this text Oh, and I started to listen to bands like Asking Aleexandria and some metal shit that was reallly cool and thank you for showing me those bands.. So vacations, ended January was realy cold, and for thee very firt time I started to use my hair long. Of course people laughed at me, it was really a messy hair but I kida liked... To this day my har is really important its like my force its on my hair, without my hari I wouldnt be the same. That year we started kind of apart till our firen, that in this text im going to call Jordan, was expelled from school and sso it was you and me. I know that we had other friends like the one that in here im going to call Alfonso, and many oters, but principally it was you and me. One day for some reasin our cases were changed and we had to move to ihter class that was bigger I think. And since i was lucky that Jordan expeleed (dont get me wrong, I mean, i felt bad for Jordan but deep inside of me, to have you for me in the class, was like winning an oscar, the lottery o winning nobel prize) So basically from march to october we sat next to each other, and that march was the beginning of one of the best time s of my life. I remeber how to see you in my left side, focused in whatever you were draing,, that year you started to draw with rapidografos, and actually your were improving, yowere going to more anime conventions, you were improving your cosplays to. That year I started to watch anime, just have some other things in common with you, porbably without ou I wpuld have never seen anime bugt bracause of you I did, and I lied to you saying tat I did watch anime since12 years old or something like that. So I talked to you about your drawings, or music, or anime, or movies, or conspiracy theories, or how you were dying because got varicela, about videogames, about life, about books, about your cosplas, about everthing, absolutely everinght. We laghed, we played with each.. there was a time actually that we played with water and we kinda of enede u wet, we play with our foot, with our hands ( you used to make the triforce symbol with your hands and was a fucking hell to me t do it) we aughed, with the we were becoming really close... You were becming my best friend... I reaally enjoyed to go to scholol beacuse you were going tp be by my side, the morning would end fast and will had the time of my life, and those years I felt really really fine. Prbably without you hat yer would be boring, and I dont knwow , maybe it would´ve been a more difficult year for me. I would got bullied or something like that. But nothing bad happened that year actuallly it was one of the best years. During that time w=you became really close to Dr. dooferschmitz(Im calling him like that, i hope you know who im talking about) and to Monica ( you know, the girl that was best friend of the Dr. dooferschmitz) so I kinda of felt apart, I mean were laughing and stuff but I started to feel afraid that I nothing for you and that eventually you would throw me away,( of course you didn´t do thatt, know its imposiible for me to think of you doing that) and I was afraid of losing you, and that added up with the many new emotiones that I had, my fear and so many other things, made me to epeat my mistake from thae year before, I started to treat you with coldnes, I ingnored you I treated you bad, and to this day I still regreat hat. You were the last persons that deserved that, and I took you apart from me and I don´t know, why I didn´t gave an effort to avoid to hurt you i just don´t know. I fucked it up again...But agin you kinda forgave me, and seriously thank seriously losing you and those moemnts would be a tragedy for e thank you for been so cool for being amazong an for keep beign my friend. So we kept talikng and beign friends and things become brighter for me again, going to school was my favorite thing in the world this become colorful. You know they say that when youre in love things become colorful and I agree withem, beacause hen I remember those days thers like a feeling that make it so romantic, something in the sun or in the sky or in the color of the walls make those memories really special and beatiu,, even when i was dying of boredom in the church to think that that nex t day I would be talking shit with you made me feel excitedl. My love for you was growing more and more You were there, you showed me cool music, I was hapy with that music, with the animes you recommended me , and basiclly with life itself. My happines had no end or I thought so. We came out of school , we kept talking almost everyday day as we did in the months before, we talked through skype, i remeber seeing you making some cosplays, you were wearing a dinasour pijama that to this day, I still love, you presented me thorugh skype to shini and I remeber how it hurted o not talk you, it was a hell to be without you, it was kinda of infectious beacause I came to depend on you its never good in any kind of relation, but yet all that pain was healed when I talked to you again.. But we started to talk less, you moved to another school, I moved to other school, and even though we still talked every now and then, thngs were changingand I did notice that. Things we re becoming gray, life started to be boring, but yet, somehow, my love for you still kept growing, buut that year (2014) we talked almost nothing. There was a day that I saw you, it was tests-week so I came out early and I was going to see you, I remember how my legs were shaking and the hug i gave you when i wsaw you, i threw you my jacket and you thre w it backt to me and th then whe huged like for a minute repeating ecac other how much we mieed us. God, you were so beatiful that day, actually i havent talked about how beatiful you are, I mean you are funny intelligent, bright, clever, how you ended up beign in this shitty city? fuck, youre so beatiufl, I love your light lips, your tiny nose, youre honey eyes, your snowy skin, your voice, your laugh, Iwas stupid in porpuse just to make you laug and the to go to heaven for a few seconds by the power of your laugh. God I really thought you were perfect,its curious because, I knew that there were things i didnt liked from you but at the same time i liked the beacuase those things made youyou, and fuck you were so beatiful in all the posiible ways, metaphsiclly, physcilly you were jus beaitulf, and realy fucking loved you a lo a lo t lot, i dreamed of you, of holding your hand, of kissing you, of sharing life with you, whit brojke the atmosphere and went to the space, ravelled to far away galaxies and was loving you I was just happy and in love I didnt care about anything ese but you. I enojyed to se your face every morning, how you putted your legs on the desk, all your gesture, i loved the time i holded a part of your body, i loved your smell that to this i havent forget , i remeber how the sun shined and crashed in your hair as in a trigo field. I was so lucky so so lucky, you made everything else beatiful, as if there was some kind of power inside you that transformed everythin around you, to thins day i think that you were a god, and or wanted to experience human life and so came own to the mortal war and picked anyone to be around with and for destiny reasons i was one of those lyucky basards. You were so different from this shity world. One day you invited me to your house to watch jack frost ovies ( i dont remeber its name) and at some point of that day we were ion your rooftop sitting next to each other, weather, was fresh, sky was blue as an ocean sun was warm and soft, and you were beatiufll, and i felt love and calm, everything was balanced everything, was more than ok, everything.... Life can be cruel sometimes, I think that its part of what makes all of this beaiufl, its tragical factort.... life is like that... our perfect circle ( or at least mine) broke and the only thing that i could do was accept it and move on, but i never did that, . wel till last year, 2016 was a good year for me and it mean an advance in my life. But every time I finally move on form you I crash with sometihing, I dont know what it its. Something ive been realizing is that I will never forget you, cause what you did in its sobig that i cant just ignore it, everywher i go i will see afraction of your beatiful eyes, every time I love there weill be a part of me, that eventually will thin of you. IYpu fell in love with new people, you trvelled, and I stayed here, and I decided that finaly have to let you go. even though the things you gave to me will always come with me , the beautiness you showe med will always lay in my heart as if its writeen in stone , those beatiful memories will always be inside of me. Enven if as i became older those meories start to blur I kow that in some part of me, those memories will be there, and so you will be. Actually my life can be seen as a life before and after you. Before I met you, I was sleepwalking, I woke up, ate my brakefast, came from school, doing nothing during afternoons, going to church in sundays, repeating everything that was told to me, the only human from tha pat me was my desperate effort to fit somewhwere, to be like tthe popular guys, I dressed like them, I tried to be like them bu the real me wasn´t even clse to be like that. The pepole that formed part part of my life was stupid, boring, plain and I hated them. And then theres you, you were a real human, you dressed as you wanted to dress, you llistened the music you wanted to, you didn´t care what the people said, you just were a strong powerful color in the middle of thiss that gray schooI remember how teachers wanted to make you pray, and tried to obligate you to change yourself , cause they didn´accept anthing that was different to them, and you revealed to them, you sttod up with your beliefs withyourself and ddn´t leet them to denigrate you or to destroy you, you stood p and were yourself and that inspired me. Cause you know I´ve always een a lie, to this day my parents don´t know my sexuality nor that I´m agnostic, they think that Im still that christian boy who loves god and will marry when he graduates from university. Bu actually I´m not beacause you opened my mind, o talk with you, to hear you to see howyou was exciting refreshing, an experience itself it opened my mind, it showed me that theres was world outside waiting for me to l ived it, you showed me that I have a mind and a soul and that Im someone, and that Im a fucking person, that Im a fucking person dude, it ound strange but I didn´t kew that before I met you. You know what´s funny? Thath you weren´t noticing all this things you were transfroming in me, just by been yourself you blosoomed the best of me , Dude I loved you, i really fucking loved you whit all that I had, even if was young, stupid, preteantious I loved you. I loved you I fucking fucking loved you I fucking loveeed you sooo much , My only regret in this life is to be so coward to never took the courage to tell you this and love you even more. Dude thank you for been there when life was shity, thank you for been my best friend whe I was completely alone, thank you for all the fucking great bands that you sowed me, thank you for opening my mind and been one the most influencial things in my ife and to start this fire that become me in the person I am. I know im not perfect and Im not better than anyone, but just to imagine what kind of personI I would be if I would never met you, scares me, I was full of hate and anger while I sleeped and you woke me, you gave me the srenght to move on, you gave me love, lfe, empath, forgivness. Yeah, there were bad times, there were shity things, asi in everything in this world, but there was something inside of me where to hold on. You were my big bang, you gave me a breath of life and since that i been moving on. Thank you dude, seriously. But for now I have to defintily let you go. Ive been trying to move on from you but its kind of impossible if I dont release all my feelings in some way. So I have to let you go. I don´t know what life has for me or for you but I hope its the best for both, and I hoped that you find your way if you havent, I hope that you love someone with all your heart and that someone loves you with all its heart too and that you fly acroos the atmosphere and shine like stars through space and time even after you die... Your light will still shine in this world and in aliens world and the universe will receive that light with love. If you don´t know what to do in life, do as Boukowski said: Find something you love and let it kill you. You´re talentful and intelligent and I hope that you go far in this life. Please take care of you, of your mental health ofr your physical health please, love yoursefl. Dude, always always fucking remeber how beatiful you are, how amazing you are, anhow much love you can give to people. To this day you are one of the most amazing person I met and think you will always ben in my list of the coolest persons in the worldyou will always hvae a part of my heart, and wherever I go, whatever I do, I will have you somewhere inside of my heart, that part is forever yours. I loved you a lot a lot. Im sorry for the shit i did to you, thank you for been an important parf of what saved my life.Thank you for beign yourself, for beign so real, for beign so brave, for beign amazing. Thak you for beign my first love, I couldn´thave been anymore lucky... I have to let you go, and I have to move. Keep in mind that somwhere, someone will have a part of you inside of him. I hope you the best and I remebered you that i loved you with all my fucking, heart, soul mind, thoughts, with absolutly everything I had,... Dude, all my love and best wishes for you... Goodbye...

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air--bag · 9 years ago

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