airissaazharrr

[airissaazharrr]

Weekly journal —week 3

Facing my fears

When dealing with a large group of people, i tend to feel inadequate. I feel trapped within their judgemental looks and soon anxiety close up on me. I have severe social anxiety issues and sometimes it get so bad I could not stand anyone being so close to me. I have been trying to fight my fears and communicate with people but that would just make me cowered and back to step one. However, if anyone that I am comfortable to be around is nearby I would immediately be myself. My classmate often ask me being alone seems depressing, but for me being in a large group whether your moving to a certain places or just discussing on matters will do you no good but will only slow you down. So why not take the advantage of being alone which is much quicker and happier, i promise you it does not seems depressing at all.

Other than that, I have a hard time trying to control my temper. Especially when im feeling overstimulated and everything around me started to ring and loud, I tend to shut people out to avoid accidentally letting my anger out on other people. I dont want people to think im a bad guy so i keep things to myself, I rarely open up unless im talking with my mother and my boyfriend. I can not help but fear what people would think if they found out I am someone who get mad easily and does not want to communicate. Imagine how hard it would be if everyone think of me like that and they decided to outcast me, so i have been taking baby steps to work into a better me. I have been sharing my problems and that weight up my burden a bit and makes me relieved.

Lastly, i fear if people who I have feel comfortable with, ever decided to leave me. When I get close to someone, I do not want to replaced them with anyone else. This happened with my cat as well. My older cat, simba died and she stayed in my arm for god know how long just becuase I refuse to let go. Thankfully, we have her kid, nyx so the house doesnt feel so lonely.

I believe this is what people call attachment issues. I also refuse to actknowledge that my mother will leave me sooner or later, I do not care she will stay with me until I am old. Same thing applies to my boyfriend, unless problem get out of hand then maybe we will have to let go someday, hopefully not.

[airissaazharrr]

Weekly journal — week 2

Bucket list

If I was given lots of money, I want to finish my bucket list in a day or two. Everyone must have a bucket list whether it is something that they really want or need or maybe just a dream item, for example, let say a Lamborghini. That doesn’t seem impossible, right? But my bucket list is full of desires that I want to fulfilled for my mothers, friends, and boyfriend. I love the act of gifting others with action even if I don’t get anything in return because to me, their smiles are more important and precious plus action speaks louder than words. There are a few things on my bucket list which I would like to share today.

The first thing on my bucket list is to pay off my mother’s debt. I noticed how debt had burdened her for almost half of her life. All because she open a self-owned company to simply stabilise our family finance and to ensure we live comfortably. Her dedication towards the family really showed her motherly-instinct and how much she is willing to sacrifice for her family. As to show my appreciation, I want to lift even a little bit of her burden. She rarely shows affection but her action says otherwise, so I was inspired by her. Beside it hurts me when she tells me about her debts, her financial burden and how she wouldn’t be able to pay my siblings study fees. Everytime she opened up to me, she can not help but shed a tear.

Next, I would love to bring my friends to food hunting. For as long as I met them I know for a fact that they like food really much. But first I might need to rent a car that could fit all eight of us, who know I might even rent van or something. It a must to bring them to fangs café, like the one I mention in the first journal. I want to bring them to a restaurant that serves delicious food, not food that look good in picture but reality is different.

Lastly, i want to pampered my boyfriend with tons of gift. On his birthday, i got him a lego flower bouquet set. Imagine seeing him crying with happiness, that made me feel appreciated and wanting to do more than just gifting. Another one of my list would be marrying him. He is twenty-two so he should not be playing with love or he might be single forever, and i date to marry. We have known each other since high school and hopefully we are able to achieve our dreams together and having each others support.

[airissaazharrr]

Weekly journal — week 1

UNFULFILLED DREAM

Ever since I was a kid, I have been dreaming of becoming a veterinarian. I tend to be excited whenever I see animals, no matter if it’s a reptile or a mammal. I have been wanting to open my very own vet or maybe a pet center for those unlucky strays that live in the streets. However, even a tiniest chances are still chances, so it is not entirely impossible because if I was given a opportunity, I would volunteer right away. Sign me up!

I often think to myself, to open my very own animal sanctuary I have to study and at least have a bachelor's in veterinarian, so during my high school year I decided to go into the science stream. However, during my SPM, my results are awful for the science subject. For biology, I managed to get a C+, but for chemistry and physics I was only able to get a D. With that result on my hand I was not able to continue my study in the course I wanted. I still remember how awful I felt as I had let down people who supported my dreams. Lucky for me, I was able to continue my studies in Teaching English as a Second Language at Kolej Poly-Tech MARA Bangi. Although now it does seem impossible to somewhat achieve my dream.

Just a few days ago, I was on cloud nine when my sister surprised me. She brought me to a reptile cafe named Fangs by Dekori Cafe in Kuala Lumpur, and I was so happy that I immediately ran inside. They had plenty of snakes, skinks, geckos, and tarantulas in their cage. The best part is that you are able to hold them. The first reptile I held was an black corn snake, it was my first time to see a snake up close. The cold skins sent shivers on me but it was fun especially when it started to coil around my hand. My sister ordered a strawberry kakigori and a chocolate toast. It was delicious and worth the hype. Next, I took out a blue-tongued skink and it was really cute!

Even if I am not able to achieve my dream of becoming a veterinarian, I will never stop trying to help poor animals. Hopefully, I was able to at least provide food for those innocent strays.