ajt34

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

B: “You completely re-arranged my insides”

R: “I love you so much”

B: “Isn’t that what i just said?”

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

i don’t want to go to work, i want to massage their balls and suck the cum out of the tip of their dick like it’s a straw

[ajt34]

The fixation on the hands, it never goes away...

[ajt34]

Move.

At first, I thought that the day that I picked up my keys and started moving my things into it would be the hardest. My arms and legs were full of cuts and bruises from precariously balancing whatever furniture, boxes or oddly shaped objects I had and moving them in and out of my car. There were a lot of tears, a lot of memories, and a whole lot of guilt in that first day. But nothing would compare to the amount of deep, dark, sadness I felt in the very first night I spent here. My stuff was here, but somehow it all felt vacant. Empty. Lifeless. I didn’t have a couch or TV, nothing hung from the walls and even the things that were mine felt like I had somehow stolen them. I endured the awkward goodbye from him earlier that day and instead of a cold and bitter goodbye, he made it worse. He was gentle and forgiving and even sent a pizza to the apartment for my “big move”. I cried the hardest. I didn’t deserve it.

Slowly, the apartment started to fill up. I agonized over which of the many blank walls to hang a small photo. I waited for 3 long weeks with no couch, but I got one. My parents came to visit and my dad went around doing all of the dad things with hammers and nails to make it feel whole again. And I started to feel whole again. I could pick out my own groceries. I could find a new trail. I could cook a dinner. I could lay down in my own bed at night.

And eventually, I could find the confidence to take a few pictures on my new bathroom floor. I would add them to my profile and start my new life, where I didn’t settle anymore and I asked for what I wanted. A new life where I felt seen and accepted and loved. A whole community that celebrates all of the things that I had tried my best to keep hidden and could not. Most importantly, I would find you.

Then came the exciting part. Hearing your knock on the door. Tying rope in the small spaces of my bedroom. Seeing your clothes and shoes in my closet. Date nights. The nightly routine of laying in my bed and hearing your voice over the phone. For the first year, this apartment was a haven for exploration, for learning, for love. It made me feel like this tiny space somehow was still accommodating and valid for my life and all that I wanted from it.

And throughout every stage, my boys were there. Whether there was a pile of blankets on the floor or a full size couch, we were together. Whether there were tears or laughter, we were together. No matter the change in our routine, we were together and that’s all that mattered. I’ll never be able to put into words the security and support and love that the two of them provided me in this time here. I know it sounds silly, but one thought that always nagged me when I thought about moving was, “will they still feel loved enough?” because for so long, our world has only existed of the three of us, and it was difficult to imagine that it could expand. That we could be loved by more than just us and that there is actually opportunity for MORE love…and that we

deserve it.

But I know that the future ahead of us holds even more love, support and security than we ever thought possible. I know that I need to accept that I don’t have to do everything alone and that I’m worthy of being loved and taken care of. I am afraid of change. That will always be true. But I am ready to discover a new way to be a family together and to let others in and create a new version of what home means to us.

Thank you, Apartment 3601, for showing me what a home can be. Thank you for allowing me to grow, for keeping us safe, and helping me to heal. We will always hold a special place for you in our hearts.

[ajt34]

Birthday.

Just a few minutes ago, I laid my face next to yours on the pillow with the faintest morning light coming through little slots of the window. Your skin looked so smooth, your strong arms folded together and the sweet soft sounds of you sleeping nearly lulled me back to into my own slumber.

Just the night before, I stood in inspection, feeling the solid, cool wood of the three canes against my skin. I felt confident. I knew I could take it. Every sting felt exciting and I could feel myself slipping deeper into the space where all time seems to stop and my words elude me. I would make you proud.

And now, I’m on top of you, with your hands caressing my thighs that are marked with new lines and colors. My hips rocking against yours as we both throw our heads back in pleasure. Rain falling harder and harder outside our window, almost increasing with our own intensity. A long sigh escapes our mouths as we collapse into the mess of pillows and blankets to wrap one another in our arms once again.

The perfect weekend.

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

Let it all go....

[ajt34]

∞

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

[ajt34]

WATERLOO BRIDGE  1940, dir. Mervyn LeRoy

[ajt34]

Floofie by Dave Aharonian

[ajt34]

Porto (2016) dir. Gabe Klinger