akayfortyseven-blog

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Man, Europe is the best. I’m the kind of snobby American bastard that would live there if I could get away with it. Hi Timothee! I’m Anna. Big fan of your movies and the references John Mulaney makes about you.

Shit man, I just spent the entire week in Europe and you know I love that place more than life itself. I guess taking your time off is best in the places you love. Sup? I’m Timothee, you might of seen me around, might of not - who knows.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Boo, you turned superhero! Or... I don’t know, villain? Whatever the hell this Mysterio guy is. I tried watching the trailer a couple of times but I’m still confused, and I know that I can’t ask you anything because Marvel’s probably got sniper rifles on you or something. Don’t die in the heaps of snow headed for the East Coast, bud. Rooting for you.

Getting to be apart of the new universe that I’ve been brought into has been fucking amazing. I still feel like I’m soaring on cloud nine and nothing can bring me down. Well, except for this bitter cold weather that New York suddenly seems to realize we’re in winter. I’m Jake and I wish I was far more interesting. 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Well, happy early birthday, toots! Talking to that many people and pretending to be happy about it is mind-numbing, draining, and outright hunger-inducing. You’ll be doing yourself a favor, trust me. And don’t worry, they know I’m a pesky little rat by now so they won’t stick around long. It’s the Anna Kendrick charm.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Oh damn, welcome to the big time, chica! Life comes at you fast so enjoy it, even when you want to pull your hair out of your damn head, which might be more often than not. Press junkets are miserable, bring yourself snacks. Pack some ibuprofen and water because you’ll probably get a headache. And if you need me to fight any shitty journalists, just say the word.

Now with a New Year in place, I’ve already got so much on my plate it’s unreal. I spend New Years in one of my favorite cities, spent the past month in Europe so now I’m finally catching up on reality. One downer, award season is among us but I’m taking a break from it this year, catch me at the drinks table next year though, I promise. But with a movie release and Stranger Things premiering in July, this year is going to kick ass. 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

That movie is fucking BANANAS. Here’s to hoping you survive, buttercup. I’m rooting for you.

So I’m about to brave absolute terror to prove my dedication and devotion to Sandra Bullock. That moment when you wish you had a girlfriend to hug throughout the movie. 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Parks and Recreation is the logical next step, and I’m not just saying that because I’m tight with the true star of the show. After that, Brooklyn Nine-Nine (you can’t claim Gina, by the way, because the role’s been claimed by me). Once you’re caught up with that, jump to The Good Place. It’s fully sequential, Taron. We’ll get you a fitting American education.

Why does your life feel so empty once you finish watching a show? I just finished watching the American version of The Office - which is much better than our UK one, by the way - and now I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I go venture into the outside world or do I find myself a new show to watch and stay in this bubble? Tell me some good shows anyway just in case I go full time hermit.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

[akayfortyseven-blog]

You’re absolutely in the right for not trying it. Plus, you’re Taylor freaking Swift, you have major pull. Catfish is one of the wildest damn shows I’ve seen in years, and the fact that they still have content to work with because people keep doing it is friggin’ bonkers. I’m a terrible liar, I’d sell myself out with the quickness. Oh, you just made my dreams come true!

[akayfortyseven-blog]

London is bananas. If I could make it work, I’d jump ship and never look back. It probably sounds cheesy to say but it totally fits my vibe. I feel like it’s hard to have a big head around other people in London because they’ll quickly cut you down to size. Every person needs a little bit of that sometimes, you know? Oh, I have no idea whether vampires or werewolves come out on top. I know that the ending’s supposed to be happy, so maybe nobody won -- or everybody won, by that logic. I wasn’t part of the last movie so my punk self didn’t even see it. Some things are better left a mystery, I guess. I know, I did Lautner a massive disservice. He could be in Washington with a wife, some kids and a mortgage. Fangirls always know just how to win someone over. See, this is why I like you, Eddie. You’re way too good to me and I love it. You need to come by sometime!

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Smart kid. Don’t let your team speak for you too much or you’ll get pegged as something you’re not, and nobody bodes well when that happens. Plus, you’re what? 22? You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you, so set your terms and stick to your guns, dude. 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

They’re absolute monsters, Blake. They clearly don’t understand what real happiness looks like! You don’t judge me if I down a bottle of wine in less than an hour, but they try telling me that I “have a problem” and “need to get help”. That’s some hater bullshit. Can we finally move to Finland? You’ll fit in perfectly because you’re a goddamn goddess.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

I love that energy! YES! That’s a good ass song, and really, it fits where I’m at in life right now. Is it me, or does Ariana Grande exclusively make music for how I feel about life no matter what’s going on? Oh, there’s no way it’s not a complete shitshow! Can you imagine? I’ve seen these people on the streets, I know what they’re capable of! And left to their own devices on the internet? Burn the app, throw it away. Aw, thank you, baby love! That means a lot coming from a damn smokeshow such as yourself! 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Yeah, dude! From what I hear, it’s mostly former Vine stars and Instagram baddies so there’s no real place for me as it is. ...dude, you can’t say that to me and then not make fake accounts posing as Chris Evans. If you need some material, hit me up. I don’t know him THAT well, but I’m good at dissecting Twitter feeds and going from there. A bitch is good at acting, what can I say.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Jesus Christ. Are you gonna set me up with a drug dealer that stole his client’s phone? ...I mean... if it’s all you want for Christmas, I’m heavily considering it... and shitty pick-up lines are always best when used on poor, unsuspecting dudes for a change...

[akayfortyseven-blog]

So, my oh-so loving team has spent the past while convincing me to get on those odd celebrity dating apps. You know, the ones where we notable people gather because we’re “too good” to schmooze with the general public. First of all, I don’t need a damn dating app to set my life straight -- I get mine, damn it! Secondly... well, there isn’t a secondly. That’s just it. I don’t need that shit in my life, next.

[akayfortyseven-blog]

God, I don’t even remember. They totally could have. Everyone was happy to be there but simultaneously hating every second of it, you know? They definitely could’ve posted up in the back and bolted before giving me the heads up. I was attracted to Ron, but I’ve always been the first one to acknowledge that Ron could be a pretty shitty friend. He was jealous all the time and never learned to speak up for what he wants. He’s a British ginger so it’s still a yes from me, but I’m not proud of it. Dude, wizard sex would be BOMB. Can you imagine all the weird shit you could get up to?! You could never bang a muggle ever again! And if you get some interesting kids out of it, well... the risk is worth the reward, if you know what I’m sayin’. Gigi Hadid, you’re just my type. 

[akayfortyseven-blog]

Oh yeah, dude, I felt like a total poser. Everyone was incredibly nice, don’t get me wrong, but it was basically a tween boot camp because Washington is unbearably dreary, like London without the charm. It was nuts, plenty of loins were on fire for Jacob, too. I had girls coming up to me while I was running errands trying to get me to bring stuff back to Lautner, and I had to find polite ways of saying no before people started showing me severed thumbs. Oh Eddie, you might be the only one that thinks that, but thanks for hiking my self-esteem up a few notches. You’re the best.