akikaza-blog

[akikaza-blog]

Just like I thought.

I’m back with more words.

Let’s keep going on that list:

57. Whether or not ghosts are real, and if they’re parallel universes overlaid on top of ours or simply ghosts from the past/future

58. My Hacking Machines playlist.

59. Some of my favorite modest mouse songs and what they mean to me

60. The night I absolutely lost my fucking mind on weed

61. Alcohol and its uses as a creative supplement

62. Simple shit you can do to protect your privacy online

63. How a gun course change my thoughts on the second amendment forever

64. Why I fucking hated living in Japan

65. Why I kept running away to Japan even though I fucking hated living there

66. That time I wanted to be a Japanese girl, and my issues with chameleoning/identity formation in general

67. Why I fucking hate my cat being such an anxious little spaz

68. What you can learn by just staying silent more often than not

69. When do you bother to fight? Or argue? Choosing when to JADE (it’s usually never)

70. Conlanging as a form of self expression

71. My favorite ways to take care of myself

72. Techniques you can use to calm down from a panic attack (grounding the five senses)

73. Techniques you can use to stave off snapping at someone (counting really does work, it’s a form of meditation)

74. What to do when bad thoughts cross your mind (the answer is nothing, they’re just thoughts)

75. How can I live if I don’t understand myself?

76. Sensory sensitivity: misophonia (please stop chewing, though)

77. Sensory sensitivity: heat/cold (sweaters in the summertime, baby!)

78. Sensory sensitivity: smell (smoke can wake me up at night)

79. Sensory sensitivity: touch (you can tickle me by just holding or stroking my hand)

80. Sensory sensitivity: taste (and my extremely restricted diet)

81. Cleaning as a meditative practice (done at the end of the day to relax, at the beginning to wake yourself up)

82. All the different personality types I thought I was and why

83. Being INTP has made my entire life make sense

84. Being autistic has made my entire life make sense

85. I actually prefer non-fiction though I used to escape into fictive worlds all the time

86. That one time I tried to be a journalist and why it didn’t quite work out

87. How your personality changes when you speak different languages

88. How difficult it is to live six and a half thousand miles away from everyone you love, no matter which country you’re in, and the abject depression you’ll find yourself in when you do it

89. I only wanted to go into technology to stave off my own death

90. Transhumanism and why I was so interested in it vs. what Alex Jones has to say about it

91. World views, philosophies and religions I find compelling

92. World views, philosophies and religions I find fucking stupid

93. Do as I say, not as I do, but monkey see, then monkey do, no?

94. My pun game was on point but I bet I couldn’t tell you any of them right now

95. Why I pretty much shut down all social media, and how I’m dealing with the isolation and abject loneliness this has caused

96. My piano journey (she wanted me to clip my nails!)

97. That one time I was molested at age seven and how it paid for my school mostly but not quite

98. How absolutely easy it is for me to find work, even though I can never keep it

99. Why I loved timed creativity challenges like NaNoWriMo

100. Dealing with people who don’t recognize my competence

101. Why you shouldn’t bother arguing with stupid people

102. Censorship, self-censorship and the detriment of social media

103. The absolute monetization and commoditization of everything (or why can’t I just have a free and simple blog anymore?)

104. Don’t take me past the notebook aisle, or into a bookstore, I WILL spend all my money

105. Apparently Rick is an INTP, which explains why I love the show so much

I did it!!

Alright, that’s 104 things I think I could ramble about. I think what I want to do for the next few days is take one thing off of this list and just write about it until my fingers are tired and I can’t write anymore.

I don’t know if I’m going to turn this into a website and try to monetize it or whatever. For now I think I’ll just keep it on this Tumblog and make sure I save backup copies of all the posts in case I want to use them at some point in the future. But honestly right at this moment it’s just a way for me to get the words out. I have an abject need to be heard right now, and I really feel like no one is listening. So that’s okay. I’ll listen to myself. After all, I’m the only person in the world who truly cares about me, right? (And even then, I’m not sure about that, haha.)

I’ll try to let my mind rest easy, but there’s a chance that I’ll still be brimming with possibilities and needing to release them somewhere. So I just might put this app on my phone to give myself space to do that no matter where I am.

There’s a lot of shit that’s been going on in my life lately. Sick family members, estranged relationships, a move to a whole new city and lifestyle, new clients, new... everything, really. I just need to vent. I just need a place to process. I just needed a place to put this. I simply need a way to survive. This is it.

Really, all I can do is write.

[akikaza-blog]

I just needed a place to put this.

I spent the last hour researching the best web hosts and CMS tools I could use to make a website about this, when what I really needed was a place to vent.

My ideals about privacy and security, however, kept getting in the way of me finding a haven for my thoughts. I didn’t want Google to have access to my words through Blogger, and I didn’t want to use WordPress just in case I ever planned on expanding this past what it is for me right now.

I don’t know why I chose Tumblr. I don’t necessarily trust them either. Perhaps because it’s an easy platform to get started with, and they’ve been integral to my life in the past.

I don’t know why I’m talking about any of that. None of it is relevant. What’s relevant is that I am at a complete loss. I mean lost. I’m not sure who I am or what I’m doing on this earth anymore. I haven’t been for quite some time. But recently, in light of me doing by (perceived) best to get myself in a better place vibrationally, I seem to have just attracted more and more shit for myself.

So I’m completely lost.

I’m not sure what to do, or how to dig myself out of this grave I seem to have jumped into.

My grandfather just had a stroke, and I can no longer understand what he’s saying most of the time. I saw him cry for the first time in my life today. My mother also has the same kind of facial paralysis, from a stroke she had while delivering my 2-year-old baby sister just a few years ago. Thankfully, my grandmother seemed to be in good spirits, despite the fact that she’s been mentally absent for most of the year.

Before I went to see them, my boyfriend tried to start a fight with me because of some perceived slight to him. He woke me up at 7 am this morning trying to tell me that he’d call his dad and was threatening to move out, because clearly I was just like my mother and only out to get him arrested and thrown in jail. I’d had a tantrum the night before due to overwhelming stress of being saddled with a lifetime of responsibilities. He never was going to go anywhere, though. It was all just a facade to try and make me “act better.”

I could go on and on about all the shit in my life that led me up to this point—the failed marriage and subsequent divorce, the molestation and the also maybe-rape, the suicide threats made to me, the suicide threats made by me, the cuts on my legs and the ones elsewhere that aren’t so visible, except the one of my left forearm that I didn’t really mean to end up there, the years of rotating through jobs, the mountain of debt, the depression, the anxiety, the nightmares, the fear of going to sleep at night, the constant looming existential crises—

The point was to say that I wouldn’t go on about all that shit, but then I did just that, didn’t I?

I’m just tired of not being sure of myself. I don’t know what I should do. I’m not sure how to create and maintain successful relationships. I’m not sure if I should find fulfillment in my career, and if so, how to go about it. I don’t know how to spend time with my hobbies anymore in a way that relaxes me. I can’t figure out what it is that I was put on this earth to do, and I don’t know if I care about finding that out anymore. If someone came by and killed me today, I think it would be a blessing. I’m not sure how much longer it will be before I try myself.

I’m not afraid of death. I think death would be a welcome respite from this life. A chance to start over. But if there’s one thing this life has taught me, it’s that the faster you run from something, the quicker you’ll reach that very same thing. If we are reincarnated beings, then my escape from this life will only find me living the very same one in my next body. There is no escape from the wheel of hell that is samsara.

And every thing I try to do to escape from it just finds me running faster and harder on this hamster wheel, tiring myself out and yet unable to die.

Why kill myself if I’m just going to end up living the same hell over and over again anyway? Should I not stick around and see how this one goes? Who knows what horrors await me in the next one? Perhaps it’s better to postpone those for a while.

I’m not sure what this blog will become, or if I’ll migrate it to its own website and try to start something there. If I do, there’s a few places that I might want to emulate, namely:

https://www.learning-mind.com/about-us/

https://lonerwolf.com/start-here/

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/about-us/

https://pairedlife.com/compatibility/Existential-Crisis-for-Myers-Briggs-Personalities

But fuck, man, the thought of doing that, of ever producing anything that anyone would want to see or read, is laughable to me. Who would want to hear from me? My own so-called “loved ones” don’t want to hear from me. They interrupt me and berate me when I speak, chastise me for my thoughts, then beat me down when I become reticent and refuse to engage in discussion. It’s absolutely unfathomable to me that anyone would give enough of a shit about me to care about what I have to say. They all just think I’m crazy.

But I AM crazy. I know that. This world is driving me insane. And the only thing that’s ever helped me to process my emotions, that’s ever helped me to make sense of this neverending hell-hole, is writing.

It’s the only way I can get my thoughts out in a way other people will listen. It’s the only way I’ve ever gotten anyone to hear what I have to say. For some reason, no one cares about the words coming out of my mouth. But when I put them down on paper, then they want to stop and listen.

Besides, I need to get this thoughts out of my head, or they’re going to make me commit suicide.

At this point, all I can do is write.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. Whenever I start a new blogging endeavour, I like to do what’s called the Minimum Viable Blog test. That means that, for a profitable web business, I need to come up with 104 ideas which would equate to posting twice a week for a full calendar year. If I can’t think of 104 things to write about, then I shouldn’t be bothered with the blog.

So let’s have some fun real quick! Let’s see how many things I can think to ramble about on this Tumblog here. Here we go:

Interruption in conversation (Boyfriend, Aunt5 interrupting me and shutting down my speech so they can talk instead)

Twin flames, soulmates, etc. and whether or not they exist

Personality psychology and typology and how much I frickin’ love Myers Briggs (with a nod to the Enneagram)

The 14 billion or so odd years we’ve all been dead, and the infinity we’ll all be dead

Reincarnation and moving up or down the scale of life (will you be a bug or an angel?)

Why I keep getting strange impressions from a dead friend from high school, and how absolutely offended Boyfriend is to hear about them

3 am, the witching hour, and why I can’t sleep between the hours of 2 and 5/6am

Whether or not dreams are actually transporting us to different realities

What it means to cut yourself and why someone might do it

The day I found out I might have Asperger’s syndrome

How meditation has worked (and failed) for me as a practice

Why I listen to Abraham Hicks even though I can’t seem to quite put the Law of Attraction to good use

Needing insane systems, structure and rituals to make it through a fucking day

Why I watched a ton of horror movies and then decided to stop

Not being able to hold down a job and barely making it as a freelancer

The freedom I experience through creative (musical, written, lyrical) pursuits

The four years of living death I spent wading through a fated relationship

Playing devil’s advocate and what it does to different people

Why I can’t seem to express my desire for hypothetical conceptualization in a way that allows others to engage in productive dialogue with me

All the ways my INTPness has helped my life

All the ways my INTPness has hurt my life

Signs that I totally do have Aspergers

Signs that I really do not have Aspergers

All the times I was convinced I was going to kill myself

All the ways my family of origin functions much like a cult

My absolute inability to be in a successful relationship

Why Buddhism appealed to me so much

My fears of becoming a mother and ruining my children

The sorts of fantasy worlds I used to escape into as a child

My thoughts on astrology, energy, vibration, and the concept of ‘as above so below’

My conceptual fear of death and my apparent lack of it in actuality

Being run out of an apartment by crazy black men with guns

Wanting to merge with another, and feeling completely unable to when one does not think entirely as the other does

How yoga helps me stay in touch with my body and stop thinking about shit so much

My weird eating habits and how I have to stick to things like strict schedules and liquid breakfasts

Spinning in circles as a ritual to passageway through doors or portals

My eternal fight with the cracks in the ground or on the sidewalk while walking

Why I love flying and how free it makes me feel

Serendipity and the times when it absolutely fills me with joy

Whether or not I was raised by narcissists

Why I can’t seem to keep any friends

My love of computers, programming languages, and the Internet

Speaking of which, how I lived on the Internet for most of my life, my favorite sites, where I would go and what I would do

Symphony of Science and why I love it so much

Stephen Hawking as one of my greatest idols ever

The heat death of the universe, is it better or worse than a big crunch?

Can we escape to another universe?

Is everything infinite? If it is, will we inevitably live all lifetimes eventually? In that case, what need is there to fear death?

Worrying about what other people think of me

Should I keep my mouth shut to spare other people’s feelings?

Writing as a way to process emotions and understand myself, and feel understood by others

The absolute mess that was my freshman year of college

The absolute mess that was my sophomore year of college

The absolute mess that was my junior year of college

The absolute mess that was my senior year of college

The absolute mess that was my first year after graduation

Whew! Alright, I think that’s a good start. Look, all of this shit has been on my mind for a long time now, and there’s not really anyone in my life I feel like I can share it with. Not even Boyfriend, with whom I believed to be so close for so long. But recent life experiences have shown me that, in the end, I am utterly and completely alone. I can trust only myself, and look only to myself for happiness and fulfillment.

I think I’ll stop the list here for now, but I’m sure I’ll be back in just a few minutes with more ideas. As soon as the pressure is off, the water hose of creation just explodes and drenches me with possibilities.

Until then, I guess.