akonaman

[akonaman]

Parang hinihigop yung buong pagkatao ng night shift ah. Half year na simula ng normal ako matulog and this shift is not givinggggg.Akala ko easy lang for me kase I’ve been doing this for years pero matanda na nga talaga ako 😭.

I also have to bring Ally to school. Di ko na alam san ko i sisingit yung tulog HAHA. Tapos tinanong nya pa ko ng “Mom, why do you have a zombie face?” HAHHAHAHAHA.Nagbalik loob na rin ako sa skincare ko kase nag rereact yung katawan ko sa kulang na tulog at dalawang kape at night. During shift kanina nakatulog ako ng 1 hr ng di ko namamalayan buti ginising ako ni Ally 🥲. Napapagod na yung katawang lupa ko pero siguro I’ll get used to it?

I am starting to listen to worship songs at night kase feeling ko nababawasan yung anxiety ko sa work and medyo nag iimprove yung mood ko. Gustuhin ko man bumalik sa church pero nahhhh. Di talaga kaya and judgement lang naman yung mapapala ko? But i am trying to connect with Him by singing and playing guitar pag may time.

Parang wala na kong mapang hugutan ng lakas. Pero everything has a purpose. Ain’t it?

[akonaman]

Had my hair colored dark brown pero medyo mukhang reddish siya. I love it. Bought this dress sa tiktokshop kase wala naman bilihan ng dress dito haha. I wanna be a girly girlie pop today.

Start na ng night shift today and grabe i don’t have any motivation to work today. Then tinawagan ko si ate to ensure kung safe ba siya. Sana di naman matuloy yung war. 🥲🙏

Sobrang unstable ng emotions and decision making ko these days and hindi ko alam why. Ang alam ko lang i am trying to find purpose sa buhay na to. Parang nag eevolve lang yung mga gusto kong mangyari sa buhay pero i dunno how to start.

Felt like i wanna have someone who could push me and guide me to the right path. Parang ang labo for me yung path na i’m taking. Feeling ko di ako nag gogrow. Or maybe i’m just thriving to a challenging environment?

I don’t want things to be easy peasy. Or maybe being on a survival mode for so long made me feel uneasy with being safe. Mukhang magbobook na naman ako ng session.

[akonaman]

[akonaman]

here i am - crying 😩

[akonaman]

Life feels a little bit lighter with you. The kind of life i wouldn’t trade with any yamashita treasures they might offer lol. But honestly, genuinely happy with our movie nights under the blanket kahit peppa pig lang naman yung pinapanood natin. Our random jollibee mornings na ppl might be staring at me dahil bakit ba fries pinapakain ko sayo. Our ice cream dates sa tabi ng dagat with some chips. Kinda unhealthy for some pero sino ba sila HAHA.

I’m not a perfect mom by any means, i get angry, sad, demotivated, anxious and minsan di mo maintindihan haha. But i do it regardless. I wanna do everything to make your childhood more meaningful. I want you to be a child who doesn’t need to heal from anything. I promise to carry the pain just for you to be happy.

Mag 3 years old na ang baby ko 🥺

[akonaman]

[akonaman]

Random Thoughts

When i was a teenager my only problem ay kung pano ako mapapansin ng crush ko na dancer sa school. Then he confessed in a subtle way? Then turned him down tapos yung bestfriend ko yung niligawan niya .

When I was 18 i had my first love who basically ruined my idea of love and was cheated on multiple times kase love should be forgiving daw haha. Akala ko mamamatay na ko sa break up. Foolish love. HAHA

When i was 25 akala ko naka jackpot na ko. But it was just a red flag clothed in a sheep’s clothing. Pinagsabay pa nga with major life twist. Plans ruined

And now that i’m turning 20 something with back aches and katinko everynight, universe spare me from overtime and migraines. Yoooow girl just wanted to sleep soundly at night.

Whenever i feel like giving up, binabalikan ko lang yung mga phases ng buhay ko na akala ko din may magagawa ang pagsuko. Pero i just got a lil stronger each time. I am so proud of all the little progress and growth throughout the years.

Sometimes i ask myself “what now?” questions kase di ko na alam ano pa ba yung path na need ko i pursue, o dapat pa chilax lang dapat ako, or baka i have to take a risk pa. But your mama is just tired. Gusto ko lang muna i enjoy yung mainit kong kape sa hapon.

[akonaman]

I’ve handled a critical case this week and i am so proud of myself. Sobrang taranta ako nung una kase ang daming comms ang need gawin but atleast natapos na din. I am happy that those ppl got the mental health care that they needed 🤍

Sobrang fulfilled yung pakiramdam na naiiyak ako. I mean everyone deserves to be seen. Your mental health matters and if in case you needed help, please reach out to the professionals.

I never had a chance na ilabas si ally this week dahil laging naulan. Namimiss ko na din manood ng sunset 🥺 at magturo turo sa boulevard.

Shet kalahating taon na pala ako. Halos di ko namalayan sa sobrang busy. Probinsyana na talaga ang ate mo hahahhaa.

[akonaman]

You know life is getting difficult when you suddenly craves for berocca 😂🥺 TAENA PLEASE KEEP ME SANE

[akonaman]

Full of emotions— i don’t know how to really process last week’s bardagulan dito. I even scheduled a session with a coach to ask how can I process everything I have to know. As an empath na absorb ko ng malala yung toxicity and arguments sa narinig ko.

Affected ako mashado lalo na yung work ko kase ako lagi yung middleman nila. Nagwowork ako may nag iiyakan sa kusina tapos may nag aaway sa likod ng bahay. HAHAHHAHA. Walanjo yan.

May kasuhan pang magaganap because of pangangaliwa. I cannot handle this case ommo. Ang gulo gulo talaga. Like ghorl if alam mong kasal ka bakit naman kase magjojowa kapa ng matanda if makukulong ka naman. PBB teens ba kayooo😭

[akonaman]

Nakapag SM din after 3 months lol. Feeling ko tuloy nakalaya ako sa bundok HAHHAHAHA

Ang saya lang uli mag chill sa JCO huhu. Yung normal ko lang ginagawa sa Cavite sobrang tinetreasure ko na ngayon.

Nakakasuka yung byahe sobrang layo. 1 hr tuloy tuloy haha. Di na ko uulit huhu.

Kaya ko na magpigil ng sarili ko pag may gusto ako bilhin. Pero pag damit talaga huhu pag maganda go go ako.

[akonaman]

Ikaw sana yung nagtatanggol sa kanila sa mga panahon na sobrang vulnerable at takot na takot sila. But you allowed it to happen. I wouldn’t forgive you. You don’t deserve na tawaging ama. Di mo rin deserve tawaging tao.

[akonaman]

I couldn’t bear the pain ng mga nalaman ko for the last two days. Likeee i don’t know how to process my emotions and i keep crying na may mga magulang pala talaga noh na sobrang ruthless sa anak nila. Nirape yung tatlong anak mong babae ng anak ng kinakasama mo tapos sasabihin mo “hayaan na lang”. You allow your 3 sons to be a slave simula bata, kumakayod kase gusto makapag aral.

Totoo yung sinabi nung psychologist. Sometimes when you don’t understand why ppl behaves, be thankful you don’t understand. BUT DAMNSHIT! I am angered by all the facts i have to know just now. Those precious lives are as important as my child’s life. They’re too young that time and having no one to hold on to, fuck that stupid family.

As an empath na medyo magagalitin, i started to get angry and sad for these ppl. Nobody deserves to live that way.

[akonaman]

Grabe yung motivation ko recently sa work kase I know that I am indeed saving lives. More than the job itself, i feel fulfilled kase it was challenging. Tapos ang sarap pa sa feeling pag naappreciate yung mga ginagawa mo. I never knew a job could feel like this again. Last time i had this feeling nung crew pa ko sa Jollibee. Yung tipong ang saya ko pag nagsasandok ng spag sauce. Tapos makikita mo yung family sa bawat table na ineenjoy nila yung food kahit taga takal lang naman ako sa pantry. I love this phase 🤍

[akonaman]

What’s your take on paying for dates—should men cover the bill, or is it better to split it?

Kung sino nag initiate dapat. Pero for me laging split. As a mahaderang mataas ang pride. Hard earned money kase nila yan. Parang nakaka konsensya na yung guy lang yung magbabayad. Pero nakaka kilig yung pag inabot na yung bill sasabihin niya “no,i’ll pay” . 💰 😂

[akonaman]

A lil bit of ally

[akonaman]

I miss the fam so much tapos araw araw na sila natawag. Siguro kase di na nagtatampo si mama kase may official work na ko lol.

Mas close kami ni mama pag malayo kami sa isat isa haha. Pero naappreciate ko yung character development niya din sa pagboto. Huhu.

Nag mini bar ako nung mother’s day haha pero chicken lang naman inorder. Ang hirap kase may work naman paggising.

I feel valued ngayon sa work ko. Kase everything doesn’t feel like a competition. Nakakatuwa lang din. Or baka kaya ganito yung feeling kase di naman management role haha.

My goal is to never ever climb to that “corporate ladder” or else i’ll taste that hell on earth again. Gagi ang sarap sa feeling yung di kinokwestyon yung worth mo. Never na masisilaw sa mataas na sahod if it will cause my mental health

Don’t trust ppl who looks nice. Never.