akonaman

[akonaman]

I had my clinical session kanina about my anger issues:

It was soooo freeing na mag open up sa psychologist kase na vavalidate yung mga past experiences ko and reasons on why i act this way.

Recently di ko na mapigilan yung anger issues ko to the point na I tend to feel numb and couldn’t even feel the pain pag napapaso ako.

I am drained na pala emotionally because of the risk of continuously seeing “people’s message that they wanted to die”. And to be honest nag papanick ako minsan and sometimes sobrang kaba ko pano ko sasagot.

Pagod na ko makisalamuha sa mga ka team ko. Pagod na pagod. Kase lahat na lang inasa sakin tapos sila buhay princess. I need to set a healthy boundaries with them.

I stored so much anger in my body kaya nagrereact na rin yung physical health ko. Nagrereflect na siya now and i need to have a healthy relationship with myself. I know it will take a while.

[akonaman]

Mixed emotions for the past two week. Nag lay off ba naman samin. Tho hindi ako kasama sa list, iyak lang ako ng iyak for a week kase na sasad ako sa mga ka work ko na wala ng work. Ganito pala yung feeling. Then you had this feeling na parang di mo deserve yung work mo kase may mas passionate pa sayo.

This week i decided to go out kase I’m so emotional and di ko na kinakaya yung workload nung nagbawas kami ng tao. Halos di na ko makatayo sa upuan ko kada shift.

Yung TL ko pa lahat na lang ata ng admin tasks niya at ticket sakin pinapagawa. Ginawa pa nga akong assistant. As much as i want to say no, sakin rin naman yung balik kapag di ko siya tinulungan.

The whole week yung utak ko napahinga lang kapag nagluluto ako sa Daycare. Elibs na elibs sakin yung mga nanay kase ako tagaluto nila. Ang saya magpakain ng mga bagets.

I am so exhausted mentally but pag nalabas talaga ko it’s healing me somehow. Dakilang coping mechanism ko talaga ang paggala. Lord pahingi naman ng mala Geo Ong na buhay 🥹

[akonaman]

Tired eyes. Tired mind.

[akonaman]

Nagmagandang loob lang naman ako sa work pero parang ako pa yung napasama. Tapos yung leader ko pa di pa rin naman keri ma grasp yung process, so pano nya maeexplain yung side ko? Tska hello don’t acuse me on doing something na di naman naka assign sakin and di naman kasama sa workload ko?

If hindi naman ako nagmagandang loob to escalate sakin pa rin ba ang sisi? Edi hindi ko na lang kayo tulungan? Right? HAHA taena ang hirap ng WFH wala akong rant buddy sa opis.

Ugh ang hirap katrabaho ng mga Pinoy. Mas ok pa ko sa mga taga Mexico. Argh.

[akonaman]

Pinost ko to sa IG then surprisingly nag chat yung isa kong agent dati na buti pa daw ako payapa na ang buhay.

And yeah, this phase is better than my life a year ago.

I may be less compensated right now pero fully remote and 24/7 ko kasama si Ally. I may not enjoy the luxury of going to places like mall, bgc, my fav mcdo na wala dito, 24 chicken, snr, puregold, hotels, ugh name it. Pero 15 mins away lang yung dagat dito.

I may not have much friends here, but i gained confidence in being alone and understanding myself better. I changed a lot, hobbies, way of life, preception to people, how i communicate, pero one thing is for sure, i am grateful than my past self. Pero parang ginagaslight ko lang sarili ko kase miss ko na MCDO HAHHAHAHA.

Another kwento na may friends na yung kapatid ko sa College huhu. Ang oa ko nga eh kase ang saya ko na naeenjoy nya yung college life now. Sabi ko eh ayoko maransana nya pa yung mga experiences ko before. May she find real connections and friendships.

I hope everything gets better. Hopefully. 🙏

[akonaman]

Feels like a hug 🫂

[akonaman]

Pagod na pagod na ang katawang lupa ko Tuesday pa lang. Gusto ko na makapag jollibee at umorder ng Spicy Chickenjoy na may large gravy. Tapos manood ng sunset at tumambay sa tabi ng dagat hanggang 7pm. Gusto ko na matulog uli ng gabi ng hindi umaasa sa melatonin.

To be honest i’m tired being a mom, where no one validates me that I’m doing just fine. I love my job but I’m tired with these people who keeps on giving me tasks that should’ve been their job. I am tired to be the strongest daughter they don’t need to worry about. I’ m tired not having friends that speaks the same language where I can rant my petty life. I’m tired 🥹

Can somebody adopt me ? Di po ako nangangagat. 😩

[akonaman]

“Empathetic because we know what it’s like to believe that death was the only way out”

Whenever i receive escalations about anyone who wanted to die, who wanted to jump from the building or to intoxicate themselves i overthink.

Somehow it is slowly affecting my sanity but i have to help and stretch my arms, wear that cape and save them. Pero i wonder why it’s affecting me too much? Maybe it’s way too close to home.

The feeling of longing to feel loved yet have some thoughts to just end things, the longing not to feel anything at all or not worry about the world. The feeling of being needed at all times but no one will be there when you needed one. The cycle that never ends in your mind.

I wonder if God could forgive people for ending their lives. Because if people who are sick could enter heaven, why do people who chose to end their lives because of mental illness could not?

Ang drama ko kase iyak ako ng iyak kase namatay yung papa ni sheldon 🥲

[akonaman]

I had a peaceful afternoon kanina. I got bombarded with slack notifications kaya inuninstall ko muna. Nag paka main character lang muna ako kanina sa tabi ng dagat na parang may sariling music video kase ang lakas ng alon, ang daming ingay na nagpapatahan sa puso ko. Pero hindi siya ingay ng mundo. Maingay na bulong siguro ni Lord sa puso ko na “tama na yang pag ooverthink mo, pahinga ka naman”.

[akonaman]

[akonaman]

Today is your death anniversary.

Exactly this time 9 years ago, i was awake playing guitar tuna. Trying to wake you up but there was no slightest sign that you wanted to wake up. Until you stopped breathing. Still remember your last words with a smile “pahinga kana duday, alam ko pagod kana” And yeah i was so tired that time that i just lay down beside you, for the last time. Huling ngiti na pala yun. I wished i smiled back and shrugged off the tiredness. We could’ve brought you to the hospital pero wala na talagang pera ang family to admit you.

What if i’m financially capable that time?

What if i was so rich that i could already give you the life you deserve, and most probably give you mcdo fries every freaking day?

What if life was bearable?

I hated the day that you died. And maybe that’s the reason why i hated celebrating my birthday. Only to celebrate your death anniversary days after. Nobody loves me like you do Inay. I love you so much but it still cuts deep here. I hated myself for not having the resources to even save you. I love you and always will. I hope you’re having a great time with Itay in heaven.

Lagi ko tong sinasabi sayo, “ Inay, 9 years na kwento na yung utang ko sayo” i love you.

[akonaman]

Went through my gallery to revisit and delete some pictures but here i am now patting my tired back from all these adulting responsibilities. I just miss how life was so simple back then for me. So carefree and careless at times. Lot of losses and heartbreaks from people i genuinely loved. “I loved myself so much this time that i no longer want anyone to give me another version of how love should look like” and i am unapologetic about it.

Inay i hope you’re still alive, i miss you so bad 🤍

[akonaman]

Di ko rin alam bat puro pagkain nasa gallery ko, ang sipag ko kase magluto HAHAHHA. Tska naenjoy ko yung 3 days VL ko na hanggang 7/11 lang naman maeenjoy ko.

Habang naglalakad lakad ako there was this thought in mind na sa sobrang payapa ng utak at puso ko, it felt unreal sometimes. Na para bang naghahanap ako ng mali. Or maybe naapektuhan lang ako sa mga memo na nababasa ko sa work.

Ayoko naman talaga magbasa ng mga memo sa work kase minsan nababasa ko yung mga traumatic experiences ng mga clients. Perooo di naman pwedeng hindi basahin. Pano pa kaya kapag nasa ranger team ako tapos high risk nakakausap ko.

Balik sa gala kwento, di ko rin alam bakit galet yang kalaro ko ng snakes and ladder. HAHA. Tinuturuan ko eh sya pa galet! Kanino kaya nagmana yan ng kasupladahan.

I wanna go home. 🏠

[akonaman]

Mashado kong na enjoy yung stress eating kaya nadagdagan ako ng 1kg haha. Ayun balik tayo sa caldef. I miss my teenage metabolism. Tipong lamon pero di talaga nataba.

Nag peprep uli ako wholefoods for the day para mapilitan akong ubusin haha. Sarap ko magluto and mag prep. Syempre ako na to eh HAHA. eme lang.

Di ko alam pero nakikiiyak ako kay ate na naiyak kase bumalik na ang IV of Spades likeeee darling parang nag reunion din yung highschool / college happy memories ko. Hindi na maliligaw 🥹

Minsan napapaisip pa rin ako sa tax na binbayad natin. I decided na sa public kindergarten muna si ally kase saling ketket lang naman siya and ang laki din naman ng kaltas ng gobyerno sa sahod ko so might as well take advantage of it. Perooo i don’t feel like my child deserves this kind of education. Parang you always have to pay more to be comfortable. Kailan kaya tayo uunlad?

My heart is grateful na uli sa work kase ok na ang knowledge ko when it comes to process. Nakakasabay na ko and di na ko nag aask mashado ng questions. Parang mas naeenjoy ko ang healthcare related job. Tuloy minsan inaask ko si ally if want nya ba mag doctor HAHHAHA. Totoo pala na may times na ikaw yung mangangarap para sa anak mo. Pero sympre priority ko kung saan sya masaya.

Pag ako nakapunta ng chemical romance concert headbang malala 😭😭😭😭.

[akonaman]

Naenjoy ko yung rest day today kase hanggang 7pm kami sa dagat. Nanonood lang ng mga bangka and sunset. Tapos ang cute ng magjowa kase ang tagal nila magpic. Parang hirap na hirapsi koya HAHA . Kaya pinicturan ko na lanb sila.

Ang dami ko na naman nakain today kase minsan lang naman mabuhay haha. I wanna enjoy it kahit today lang kase sobrang lungkot ko.

Ang sarap pala ng hazelnut americano, may new fave na ko shet. Yummerz.

[akonaman]

On my birthday nag work lang ako up until 4am and treated it like a normal day. Kase hindi ko pa tanggap na 29 na ako? Grabe lumalabas na din ang mga sakit sakit sa katawan.

On the next day went outside to eat with Ally and solid talaga ang bacsilog shet. Natuwa din ako kase kumain si ally ng spaghetti kahit once in a blue moon yan.

Tumambay lang kami sa beach hanggang mag 7pm.

I had a good encounter with one badjao kid. Bumili kase kami ni ally ng stickers sa mr.diy then nakatingin yung bata. I gave her two pages and sobrang happy and thank you lang sya ng thank you. Even yung papa nya nag thank you. After that she decided to give yung isang toy nya kay ally (she only had 3 toys inside the plastic bag). Like girl i wanna cryyyy kase that was so pure. Imagine having almost nothing pero willing siya ibigay yung one of the toys na meron lang sya 🥹. Binalik ko sa kanya kase iniisip ko baka yun na lang nilalaro nya eh madami naman toys si ally. Stickers lang naman yun for me pero i made someone damn happy.

Like why can life be that way? Sobrang memorable ng birthday ko kase i had that memorable encounter. In this world full of selfish people, why can we be that kid. 😭😭

Wala lang ang drama ko lang pero i love it so much. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me to be more grateful for all the blessings and to have a heart just like that little kid.

[akonaman]

Can this life atleast come with a manual? Nakakapagod kaya mag desisyon tapos in the end may regret? Tapos pag may mali ka at one point, you will grieve for that mistake your whole life as if it defines you as a person. Tapos may mag totoxic positivity pa sayo as if life is not easier with them? Like hello? Don’t comment about my personal life cause i don’t comment about yours? Ay movie pala to? HAHA.

I get that it gets better naman everytime and i might regret letting this out every once in a while in a platform where nobody knows me? Cause what the fuck is wrong with this life diba? Tapos 1 hr lang break ko to rant here, tapos mamaya mag rerelapse pa ko ng 4am bago matulog kase i am overwhelmed na bakit kase nag bibirthday pa tayo. OA HAHAHHAHA. Taena kailangan ko na ng tagay.

Pota