akosijo

[akosijo]

“naniniwala ka ba sa parallel universe?”

ako, siguro oo. gusto kong maniwala sa ideya na kahit papaano ay may pagkakataong mag-iba ang takbo ng buhay ko. na kahit papaano ay hindi ako ganito sa kung ano ako ngayon.

pero kung totoo man ang parallel universe, ayokong maranasan nila ang mga bagay na nararansan ko.

[akosijo]

I dreamt of you… again

[akosijo]

tumblr na may gamot;

Gusto kita katulad ng bawat character ni marvin kay jolina sa iba't-ibang uri ng pelikula.

‘wag lang sana tayong matulad sa ending nila sa real life kasi hindi ko kayang sa palabas lang tayo magkakasama.

[akosijo]

“We must understand that sadness is an ocean, and sometimes we drown, while other days we are forced to swim.”

— R.M. Drake

[akosijo]

“Remember, being yourself is the only way to find out who truly cares and loves you for you.”

— TheGoodVibe

[akosijo]

by any chance, would you like to have an ice cream date with me..

[akosijo]

by any chance, do u want to have an ice cream with me?

i surely know that i was praying for this type of love for so long. but u, showing up in front of me, saying things in the most gentle way is so much. i am so glad that u liked my writings, u laughing about my meme posts.

hearing ur thoughts about me is such a wonderful experience. i have never received those kinds of feedbacks about me, thankyou. and i am going to rate you like what u did to my post, u are also a 10. if i could make it 100 i would. pero u are the highest of all.

u talk to me gently, softly, and with care. thanks for treating me this way. i rarely feel these things and so happy to feel it with u.

too shy to say, but i hope we could talk for so long^^

[akosijo]

"and if u want to hurt me, just stab me, u don't have to say all those things..."

there was once this story where the main lead is the villain in its own story. in the family, he was the blackship. they can say whatever they want to him but he can't even explain himself because in order to save himself, he has to accept all the bad words, being called 'rude', 'no respect', and so many names.

one day, he was trying to find a one thing of him in his kuya's place, accidentally, the phone of his kuya fell down—not so mataas. his kuya then shouted, curse him, and called him names.

“tangina, amputa!”

out of his shock, he then said “hindi ko naman sinasadya,” and there things started.

his kuya kept on shouting and cursing at him and calling him names. the main lead was trying to fight back as possible as he could. but he ended up being the rude one.

don't have respect to his family.

roots of all disrespects in the house.

have a bad attitude for fighting and saving himself up.

and there, he ended up being the villain of his own story.

[akosijo]

i'm here like the child i am. but where did he hide? to you in which every day is more brilliant than sorrow...

as i listen to kidult (by seventeen) naalala ko lang 'yung childhood. i was so happy back then. things back then felt so light na parang kahit ano pa yan i can fight for it! pero ngayon i am growing and feeling lost. the dreams that i had when i was young is already gone, all i want ngayong nagiging part na 'ko ng adulting is to be happy. i went through a lot of challenges in my way here and nakalimutan kong maging masaya. i was pressured sa lahat ng bagay. i forced myself to be good, do good, and dapat walang mali. i didn't even notice that i am drowning in my own standards. sa kagustuhan kong maging maayos lahat in no time, hindi ko napansin na nahihirapan na 'ko sobra. kaya kung makita mo man ako someday, somewhere, na nageenjoy (if magmukha man akong childish) pls let me. i went through a lot of things and i think i deserve to be happy, atleast. or you can join me as well!! it would be fine and great if i have someone to talk to or to play with. kasi nakalimutan kong ienjoy ang childhood because of the pressure na dapat maayos na lahat pagdating ng adulthood.

[akosijo]

and if u ever see me losing my hopes in life, pls talk to me and tell me how far i have come...

i was afraid to fail, i still am. now that i am in a place where everything is new, no one knows how hard it is for me to show the other version (unreal) of me. i may look confident, strong, smart, and bold, but the truth is i am so soft, gentle, and afraid to do things alone. i am just doing what i am doing for people not to think any less of me. na baka if i did this, they would think of me as someone who is not worthy to be friend with. and i don't want that. i told myself for the nth time that i don't need someone, i don't need to be with someone just to survive things. the truth is i just can't read people. baka mali ako sa pagpili, baka hindi sila 'yung right people for me, or baka in the end i let go nila ako. and i hate that. so if you ever see me struggling in life, go near me, talk to me, and tell me everything's gonna be fine^^

[akosijo]

and i was hoping that u could see how hard i tried...

that one day i was walking alone, on my way to go home, naisip ko lang na i didn't give myself credits. sa mga ginawa ko, nagawa ko, and sa mga ginagawa ko pa. i should have not think what people would think pero kasi ang hirap lang din alisin sa isip ko na whatever i do, they will always have a say. pero look, i did great yesterday! and i hope that u were proud of me! i faced my challenges yesterday with a big bright smile. but here in the very deep part of my heart, i am breathing so hard. kasi i am afraid na baka kapag naging kampante ako makarinig na naman ako ng salita... so pls, if ever magkaroon tayo ng interaction (again) don't hesitate to greet me! a simple greet will do. and hug me as well, kiss me if we can go higher... and ofc congratulate me for everything i have done. kasi i, myself, don't feel like i am deserving. little help + hug + kiss will do^^

[akosijo]

pilit kong hinanap ang linaw ng malabong nakaraan natin, subalit hindi ko batid na sa dulo ng mga larawang iyon ay makikita ko ang katotohanang ikaw at ako... ay malabong magwakas.

[akosijo]

and if i were given a chance, i would like to experience a one peaceful day with u,

hi! nakabalik ka na pala ulit jan. nakakatuwa naman at maeenjoy mo ang summer. naalala ko tuloy 'yung one time na kinwento mo sakin 'yung life mo jan, halatang masaya ka no'ng kinukwento mo 'yon kahit hindi tayo personal na magkausap no'ng mga oras na 'yon.

di 'ba sabi ko dati i want to experience the peace in the province? pareho pa nating gusto 'yung peaceful life sa probinsya. i am happy kasi u are now experiencing it. sana magtake ka ng maraming pictures para may masend ka sakin kapag ikkwento mo na ulit 'yung mga naging life mo jan.

maybe someday, somewhere, maranasan ko rin 'yung peace na hinahanap natin. sa ngayon under pressure pa 'ko and i am near to explode na. i have no one to talk to kasi hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan nila 'yung situation ko. kaya ko pa naman i-keep lahat.

nagbabasa na pala ulit ako ng historical books! sayang lang at hindi ko nairecommend sayo 'tong book na 'to, next time nalang. ngayon, i enjoy mo muna ang peaceful life mo jan, sana magkwento ka sa susunod na mag-usap tayo kung magkaron man ng chance na makapagusap tayong mulii.

[akosijo]

“alam mo bang ayoko sa ulan?”

natatakot ako sa tunog ng ulan. sa kislap ng kidlat. sa ugong ng kulog. dahil sa tuwing naririnig ko ito, naalala ko kung gaano kalungkot ang mundo.

hindi ko kailanman ginustong matulog nang umuulan. sa kaisipang baka kung anong mangyari pag-gising ko o baka mapano ako o baka naman... wala na ang lahat pag tapos nito.

hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan mo pero ang masasabi ko lang ay takot na takot ako sa tuwing naririnig ko ang tunog ng mga ulan. dahil sa bawat patak nito, bukod sa naaalala ko ang nakaraan, hindi ko rin kayang tiising isipin na may mga taong nahihirapang iwasan ang basa ng kahirapan.

“wala lang, hindi kasi ako makatulog sa ingay nga dinudulot nito, e.”

[akosijo]

“naniniwala ka ba sa parallel universe?”

tahimik akong nagddrawing nang marinig ko siyang nagtanong. napatingin ako sa langit, payapa katulad ng hangin.

totoo kaya ang parallel universe? na sa may iba pang mundo? may ibang ako? may ibang tayo?

“siguro, pero kung meron man sana masaya 'yung iba pang version ko ro'n. sana hindi nila naiisip 'yung mga naiisip ko. sana hindi nila nararanasan 'yung mga nararanasan ko. sana... sana masaya ako ro'n..” sagot ko.

nakatulala siyang tumango sa 'kin. bakas ang mga lungkot sa mukha.

“sabi ko 'wag mo 'kong kaawaan, e.”

tumawa ito ng mahina bago ituon ang paningin sa mga damong sumasayaw sa harapan namin.

“hindi naman, napaisip lang din ako. kung totoo nga 'yung parallel universe na 'yon sana nga masaya 'yung ibang ikaw. pero kung totoo mang may gano'n, sana magkakilala pa rin tayo...” nakatingin na sya ngayon sa mga mata ko. “para kung sakaling hindi ka ro'n masaya, kung sakaling hindi mo na mapinta 'yung mga iniisip mo, at kung sakaling sobra na 'yung mga bagay na nararanasan mo... ay meron kang ako. para kahit naman papaano may kahati ka pa rin sa mga bagay bagay sa ibang mundo na 'yon,” dagdag niya pa.

sana...

sana nga.

[akosijo]

siguro sa iba pang mundo, may iba pang ako...

—behind the pages

[akosijo]

“is everything good? what's bothering you? ” he asked.

i stopped for a minute, staring at the waves in front of us. it looks calm, kinda rough but feels so soft. and when i move my head to your side, there where i saw how beautiful your eyes—dark brown, full of hopes. what's bothering me? is everything good? its already 2 in the morning yet the voices in my head keeps shouting. reminding me how hard to love me, how sick they are of me, that i won't ever get the chance to experience the real happiness. but i guess they are wrong. because here, with u, i feel at ease. not a joyful moment but a gentle, soft, and safe one. sitting here with u makes me forget all of the burdens i am facing. i even forgot how miserable my life is. because here, with u, everything feels good. u feels like a sound in my soul—making me forgot all the noises inside my head.

“oo naman. ayos lang ako...siguro..”

ミ