aksteri

[aksteri]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

[aksteri]

The moment you disappear from everything, just to hand them the perfect excuse for never reaching out, as if they ever did when you were still available..

[aksteri]

If we were two sunflowers I would have faced you instead of the sun.

[aksteri]

kind of weird how parts of your soul are left in various locations without any warning… like yes i’m always at the top of that hill, sitting at the bus stop, in the cool light of the Japanese restaurant, standing at the pier etc etc

[aksteri]

here i brought you some flowers... they need sunshine so you were the obvious choice

[aksteri]

It Lasts Forever and Then It's Over, Anne de Marcken

[aksteri]

u ever feel like ur heart’s a house nobody visits?

[aksteri]

I struggle to get close to people and I know it’s a me problem, I know I’m the toxic one. I know that under my armor it’s just poison that seeps out the cracks. Those who stay at arms length will most likely never get hurt (as long as they don’t stick around for too long) but those who start to get too close inevitably will. Anyone who tries to get close enough to help me patch the cracks will only end up getting seriously hurt by me. I’m sure everyone is different under their armor, everyone has different insides, but why is this what I got? I want to change it, I want to heal it. But I don’t know how. The only thing that seems to work, truly work, not just on healing the armor but also truly healing and changing the inside, is being loved by someone else, inside and out. What I need is someone who will grab me and pull me closer and hold on tightly to me when I’m hurting, but unfortunately my toxicity always harms them before I can heal enough for them to be able to stay… and that’s if anyone even tries to grab me and hold me close to them in the first place. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to always be the villain.

[aksteri]

we had gone searching for a longer summer; thinking that if we just kept driving we’d eventually catch the sun and this moment would never end. somewhere in the universe we’re still on that highway and you’re still singing along to my favorite song.

[aksteri]

You think attention is love and that’s why you suffer so deeply.

[aksteri]

“I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to get better. My head is a dark place and it only gets worse, day by day. and I have no idea how to stop the darkness from coming in. I have no idea how to save myself anymore.”

—

[aksteri]

It's so weird. I can only be myself around people who don't know me.

[aksteri]

i’ve never felt true romantic love, but i do know that i would find my best friend in every universe, every timeline, and every form of being. i would cross an ocean to find her. if we were dandelions i would float to her in the pollen. if we were drops of rain i would find her cloud. and even if i don’t find romantic love, i know that this love is enough.

[aksteri]

we sit in the gas station parking lot watching the summer sun disappear behind the trees. we don’t talk about it. you light up my cigarette instead. this moment feels like it’ll never end but looking back, that’s all the time we had. will you look for me in the next life?

[aksteri]

i know how this is going to end. so do you. let’s linger on the precipice of this happiness, let's enjoy this fleeting sunset. we’ll worry about the dusk when it arrives, okay?

[aksteri]

we're getting older and I'll miss you forever.

[aksteri]

“I like missing you so hard because it makes me feel strongly that you are not a dream, you are real, you are living, and I'll meet you again.”

- Simone de Beauvoir, from a letter to Nelson Algren featured in Transatlantic Love Affair: Letters to Nelson Algren