alaea-winters

[alaea-winters]

[alaea-winters]

Please tag/comment where you're from! Submitted anonymously 🤫

[alaea-winters]

can she?

[alaea-winters]

this is what fnaf is in my head

[alaea-winters]

on going mad, loss of selfhood, schizophrenic grief, and the absolute necessity of loving schizophrenics as they are now

(intended for non-schizos)

I've been thinking a lot recently about the year-or-so stretch of time that preceded my psychotic break. it was, with absolute sincerity, the happiest time of my life. for the first time since infancy I felt completely myself, experiencing a world that seemed so much brighter, more colourful & vibrant in every way than it ever had been. everything was so real and tangible and there to be & poured over & adored down to the finest detail, much moreso than my already very detail-oriented mind had ever thought possible. all my interpersonal relationships were wonderful life giving jubilations that made getting out of bed each morning a blessing beyond comprehension. my art became livelier & distinctly mine in a way it hadn't before, taking on new forms that helped me express what being me is like in ways that were purely mine, direct from the heart to the page, bypassing virtually every guideline, hesitation, or rule i had internalised over the course of my life up to that point. my art had always been about trying to show people what life is like inside my head, and I felt at that time that what I was creating did that with a rawness and on a scale that had never before been possible

I got what I'd always dreamed of: myself. I got to be myself wholly & unapologetically with all the joy & wonder of a newborn baby seeing rainbows in sunbeams for the first time. I had an understanding of myself as a person & not just a human body desperately trying to survive through a metre-thick layer-cake of unremovable masks & learned fears. a whole, fully formed, conscious, living, breathing, unique human person. it felt as though life had only just begun. I was swelling up with hopes & dreams of what this new life might hold for me, and for once I had the confidence and the motivation to chase those hopes & dreams to the ends of the earth. my life was finally my own, I was finally my own, and I regularly sobbed out of sheer gratitude. I changed my name, cut my hair the way I'd always secretly wanted it, and dressed in clothes that expressed my tastes and personality instead of hiding it as I had always done before. I started dating again, making friends, going on little adventures by myself or with loved ones, I put on shows where I could share the art I'd been making to audiences who responded to it with an excitement I'd never been able to elicit from them before, even though what I presented as total realism was always received more as a kind of magical psychedelic fantasy (I later came to learn I was directly echoing the earliest stages of schizophrenia in this art). life was finally not only worth living but possible to live in a way that made me truly, genuinely happy.

this, I've long since come to learn, is a very common experience among schizophrenics in the buildup to the first Big Episode

slowly, even too slowly to notice, the dream I'd been chasing all my life & felt like I finally had grasped tight in the palm of my hand morphed into a nightmare. yes there were hallucinations, delusions, paranoias & all the rest of it, months & months & months of 24/7 torture I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but that's not what we're here to talk about. my entire sense of self, of my relationship to the world around me, to strangers and loved ones alike, was shattered into a billion tiny little pieces, all reflecting & refracting each others light so that nothing of what was once there could ever even be imagined again let alone repaired. I stopped being able to go outside, clean myself, dress in anything but the same unwashed hoodie & jeans for months on end, my relationships crumbled around me as I became less & less able to engage in any kind of social activity & became progressively less kind & friendly & more paranoid, walled-off & sometimes even actively abusive in ways I was barely even capable of noticing let alone stopping. nothing that had previously been my life was left in tact. identity itself became and remains a near total impossibility & source of nothing but terror in me as I became something even my closest friends couldn't bare to spend time around. and that's what I'm left with

schizophrenia handed me everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed, and then took it from my hand & threw it, along with all that was always mine, what was always me, into an abyss from which it can never return. even now, in a relatively stable & not actively psychotic state, I am what schizophrenia made me more so than I am myself most of the time. i will live the rest of my life scratching my head and wondering where I went. I miss her more & more every fucking day. I live for the days that I can half-remember something about what it was like to be her, for the days I can think 'yea, I'd be well proud of me right now if I was still here to see me'. most days, however, she is not much more than the shadow of a ghost long since passed on. what i am now is all that's left of what once was a person, something almost-human, perpetually at odds with itself and the world around it. I'm slowly building myself back up into something as true & beautiful as what I once was, knowing I'll never have that life I so desperately needed and was so harshly & unfairly denied, that no matter how hard I try I will never get to be the person I always wanted to be. quite the contrary; the harder I try, the further away from my self and sanity I drift

so be real fucking nice to the schizos in your life, okay? not just because we're suffering now, but because you will (hopefully) never understand the loss we have to carry, the unbearable grief that underscores every moment of our lives. you will never know what it's like to grieve for your self from inside the body that once contained it. love the schizos in your life without expecting them to be anything or anyone. love them as they are now, and carry the weight of their grief with them without the expectation that they might somehow 'recover' and be who you used to know before they were forced to become what they now are. and if you can't do that, it's better for both your sakes that you join the ranks of everyone else who abandoned them when they stopped being able to perform that role

[alaea-winters]

[alaea-winters]

[alaea-winters]

Stop using the word degenerate to mean horny challenge

[alaea-winters]

burning text gif maker

heart locket gif maker

minecraft advancement maker

minecraft logo font text generator w/assorted textures and pride flags

windows error message maker (win1.0-win11)

FromSoftware image macro generator (elden ring Noun Verbed text)

image to 3d effect gif

vaporwave image generator

microsoft wordart maker (REALLY annoying to use on mobile)

you're welcome

[alaea-winters]

[alaea-winters]

but it only works if 4 people are having sex lol

[alaea-winters]

[alaea-winters]

oh my god finally I found it, the original audio

years I have spent convinced the other video wasn't the original source with absolutely no evidence and now I am vindicated

[alaea-winters]

oh yeah... ten year old me was animating peak

[alaea-winters]

Finding out that World Athletics pays $100k every time a new world record is set so so Mondo Duplantis has just been setting it 1cm at a time from 6.17m to 6.25m in the past 4 years is so funny??? Finessing 1 million dollars 1 cm at a time even though he can clearly go higher at one shot???? #respect

[alaea-winters]

Ariadne of Crete suffers from “what if your baby brother is a slippery beast” disease.

The Minotaur, but make it Moo Deng