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[alannarosee]

I’m laying in a bath, blastin music right now. 930pm, on a wednesday night. and I can honestly say I am content w my life. I love my life. I feel as free as I ever have been, I feel like my mind has been so clear and peaceful lately. and I say peaceful, because my mind is usually filled w toxic thoughts. but not lately.

lately my mind has been clear; when it is usually very cloudy. especially around this time.

and I think it’s because i’ve finally come to the point where I don’t feel like I need anyone. I don’t feel any sort of attachment to anyone right now. I don’t think of anyone and think ‘fuck. pls don’t leave bc i’d be a fucking wreck’ and I think that is pretty big.

I think that when you put so much happiness into someone; it becomes unhealthy. i’m starting to believe that only you can make yourself truly happy. sure, people can add to your happiness, but I think that happiness, and love, begins within yourself. and if you don’t have it in you, before anyone; you won’t have it in you, w anyone. does that make sense?

I mean, right now, I am totally head over heels for this boy. I haven’t felt this way since dpmj, and that says a lot. I haven’t fallen this hard for anyone. I am totally feelin his vibe, totally lovin the journey we have started. I am alrdy so in love w our future.

but without him, I know that I will be ok if it doesn’t work out. I know that I will be able to pick myself back up if anything goes south, I know that I will be happy. because I am happy before him. and I will be happy after him.

now w that being said, why am I still scared? of getting hurt? or hurting him? of all of the endless possibilities?

I think that I want this so badly, that I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. now, I have hurt plenty people in my life. too many, probably. but w him, it’s different. I literally hold his head in my lap and watch him sleep, praying to God not to let us hurt each other. not to let me hurt him. I stare at him as his eyes are closed, and I can’t help but smile bc I know that he feels the same.

I haven’t trusted anyone this way in so, so long. that’s another scary factor. because, I don’t trust anyone. I don’t put effort into people, I don’t let anyone into my energy. I don’t let my guard down for anyone. it’s been a month and I alrdy trust him. I trust him and I’m not running. God, I am finally not running from something. it’s pretty refreshing for me, actually. to not run.

scariest part? I don’t want to run. the scary part is that i’m not scared when he tells me he knows he wants to marry me. and those words freak me the fuck out. but not when he says it. when he says it, I literally melt.

let’s just say that i’m in a really good place right now.

& I pray to God that it stays this good. I’m making great money, my schedule is pretty cool, my mans keeps me happy as can be, I’m starting to fast, I’m healthy, my family is healthy. what more can a girl ask for?

I can’t wait to start 2019 w all of this positivity around me ✨ I am so in love w my current living, and my future.

thank you God for taking care of my mind, body & soul

[alannarosee]

OVERCOMING

I remember laying in bed, crying. Wondering. Is this what I’m worth? Is this all I deserve in love? I was great. Why couldn’t I have something that was up to par with my love? I remember being called a bitch, because I spoke about how I felt. I remember the way your hands gripped my wrists to constrain me from moving. I remember being shoved into the bed, while crying. Wondering. Is this what I’m worth? Is this all I deserve in love?

I remember laying in bed, crying. Praying. Please allow this to be over. Please take this love out of my heart. If this is what love is, I want nothing to do with it. I remember being told that my feelings were invalid; that I was crazy. I remember being told that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, but being treated like the worst. I remember praying, please. Take this away; this pain; this ‘love’

I remember standing infront of you. Begging. Please, don’t leave. Please, work this out. Please, don’t do this to me. I remember the way you looked at me in your eyes, as if you hated me. There was not one ounce of love in your eyes for me. I remember trying to touch your hands, begging. Please, don’t leave; don’t do this to me. You want this, don’t you? I remember crying, pleading. You were cold; told me to ‘stop. Alanna. Just, stop.’ But you couldn’t even look at me and give me what I asked. I begged you to tell me. Look me in my eyes, tell me, you aren’t in love with me anymore. If you said those words, I would have left.

I remember falling asleep, soaked in my own tears. Over all of you. Every single one of you. I remember thinking, praying, wondering. Is this what I’m worth? Is this all I deserve in love? I remember thinking, if I put out all of this love, all of this positivity, then why am I not receiving any back? Why am I receiving, and accepting, these little boys that can only give me half of them?

Fast forward to today. I am no longer crying, thinking, praying, wondering. I am now aware of what I deserve. I am now aware that I do deserve more in love, in life. I am worth more. I am no longer soaked in tears. I am no longer this sad, insecure little girl, that needs validation from boys.

I have overcome all of those feelings. I have overcome my insecurities. I am now proud. Aware. Happy. And no one can give you this feeling. No one can give you that validation that you are looking for, except yourself. I did this by myself. I did this. I fixed what you all broke. 

Fast forward to today. I am happy. And I have me to thank for that. 

[alannarosee]

FRIENDS

I remember when I met my group of friends, or old group, I guess I should say. I think about them all the time, almost every day actually. I think about reaching out to them a lot, but I won’t. And I have plenty of reasons for that, one being that my pride is definitely in the way. If they wanted me in their life, or missed me, they’d come to me. Right? Because I wasn’t wrong in the situation. I never went off the grid and said something out of pocket like the rest of them. And reasoning number two, they aren’t who I miss. I miss the old people I was friends w, I missed the kids I met in 7th grade. I miss the kids I grew up w, went through hell and back w. I miss the people I got tattooed w. I miss the people that were there for me, my back bones. My fucking siblings. But fast forward to today, to right now. Those aren’t the people I befriended. Those aren’t the same people. I know that if I went back to those friendships,  I’d be let down; disappointed. Because I’d be looking for something that is no longer there. I’d be searching for my old friends, in these new people they’ve become. And that’s the saddest part. Is I spent how many years of my life w these people, and I don’t even know who they are anymore. It pains me to see them hangout together; or to come across old places we went together, or even see old photos/videos. But I’m missing and holding onto something that isn’t there anymore. You know, I’m not quite sure why I miss them so much. I don’t know why I tend to miss people that have hurt me, or that have betrayed me. People that have left me when I’ve never imagined to do that to them. I don’t know why I still have love for them. I think that just may be the most sickening and upsetting part about this whole fucked up situation. Is that my heart is so big and my love runs so deep, I’d still be there for them if they needed me. If one of them were to call me up at 3AM, needing a ride, or to simply just talk; I’d fucking be there. And maybe that’s why this situation hurt so badly, because I never got back, what I put out. I know for a fact my love was pure and genuine. I know I was there for the long run, but maybe that just shows what type of people we all really are. 

[alannarosee]

ANXIETY

I remember nights I’d lay in the car, and get mad anxiety attacks. I remember having to jump out of the car, and rip off my jacket, because I couldn’t breathe. My throat felt like it was closing, my legs would shake. I felt like I was slowly suffocating. I remember being inside my head like I was crazy. This had happened on several occasions. I’d jump out of the car and breathe heavily, not knowing what to do, not knowing what was happening to my own body; fuck, not even knowing what was happening inside of my own body. I would sit outside my car, on the floor, crying. Praying to God that I would catch my breath and my heart would slow down. Sometimes it felt as if my heart and my mind were going 100 mph. I remember feeling like I would never overcome those attacks. And I remember being called crazy, repeatedly being asked “What’s wrong w you, why does this happen to you” And I never knew how to answer, because I didn’t understand myself. I use to have those attacks almost every night when I’d lay in the car by your side. I remember praying and pleading, please let this stop. Please take this away from me. It’s been 3 months since I’ve had one of those attacks and I can’t say that I will never get them again, but I’m so happy and content and grateful, that I don’t experience those on a daily basis anymore. I remember feeling like I was at the bottom of the ocean, I felt so helpless and as if I wasn’t going to be able to come back from something like this. It was the worst feeling in the world. I remember telling my mom, telling my aunt; I just feel sad. I feel sad, all of the time. And there isn’t anything to be sad about. I live an amazing life, a beautiful life, why am I always so sad? Why do I feel so broken? And I can’t say that I don’t have bad days, because I do. I have my bad days still, I have my weak moments to when I fall apart. But they no longer drown me. They no longer take over my world and have me feeling upside down and inside out. Maybe I’ve learned to handle them, or maybe my cause of my anxiety attacks just aren’t there anymore. I’ve dealt w anxiety for about 3 years now off and on. Sometimes I don’t even remember I have it, and other days, my body won’t let me forget it. 

[alannarosee]

8AM THOUGHTS

There isn’t a damn thing you could do now. To make me hate you, to make me love you. It’s official that I feel nothing for you. I mean, man, I’d love to tell you to go fuck yourself, but you don’t even deserve that much anger from me. That’s about the only emotion that I feel for you. I’m completely content in my life, in myself. How could I not be? I no longer have you, to abuse me. You text me this morning mentioning my necklace; when I never reached out for it. You could have easily left it in my palms of my cousin, and let it end there. But I know your games, I’m well aware of them. This is your own, twisted way, of trying to get back in my good graces. But for what? So you can come in, make yourself at home, and fuck up my life again? No. I’m smarter than that this time around. I’m honestly so disgusted w your presence. W the fact you even feel comfortable enough to text me about the stupid necklace. You know, I use to make excuses for you. Ah, maybe it’s because you’re on drugs, maybe that’s why you can’t think straight. Maybe we’re just so young, that’s why you can’t stay faithful. Maybe it’s because my family doesn’t approve. But that was all in the past, I use to make excuses for your shitty behavior. But now that it’s 7/8 years later, I’ve come to the realization, that it was a YOU problem. Not anything else. It isn’t anything to blame this on. It’s literally because you’re a piece of shit, and that’s it. That’s the only reasoning behind your actions. It’s not the drugs, it’s not your age, it isn’t my family; it’s solely because you’re a piece of shit. And now I know that. You know, I never would’ve thought I’d be so ok w you being out of my life. I never would’ve thought that I could live without you, and now I can’t even believe I gave you the pleasure of knowing me. It feels great to be able to receive a text from you, and not feel anything for you. 

[alannarosee]

Self love

I don’t think everyone understands what that term means. Self love isn’t about spoiling yourself on payday, or eating a healthy meal. Self love means you know your worth, that you are secure in your body/relationships/sexuality. Self love means you know what you deserve, and what you don’t. Self love comes from within. No one can teach you that, no one can give you that. Someone can tell you all day, and all night, how beautiful you are, but if you don’t have that self love, you’re never going to believe them. I think that everything is much better when you finally take time for yourself and love yourself. I always use to think that I loved myself. But I didn’t. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I really didn’t love myself. Which is so sad. I use to love people w all of me, w most of me. How can you love someone so deeply, before loving yourself? I was under the impression that I loved myself because I was aware of my worth, I was aware of what I deserved. But I never put that awareness into play. I never acted on what I knew. Even though I knew I deserved better, didn’t mean I gave myself better. I believe that if you truly do love yourself, you’ll be confident and comfortable in anything you decide to do. If you truly love yourself, you’ll feel secure. You won’t need anyone’s approval, you won’t need anyone to validate you, or what you’re doing. And I never understood that. And I’m so happy that I do now, because my life has been so different since I started to put me first. My life has been so different since I started to love myself more, since I started choosing me. It really is life changing, I wish I could give this to everyone. I wish I could have everyone fall in love w themselves before they tried to fall in love w anyone else.

[alannarosee]

Repost: MARCH 2018

I just recently re-read my post from 2 years ago, it was called ‘December.’ So of course, that post was about you. And I’ve gotta say, that post really hit home, re-reading it. I remember how low you made me feel. I re-read that post, and felt every emotion all over again. But, it no longer hurts. I’ve set the idea of you, free. There’s no more of you and I, and I honestly couldn’t be any more grateful for that. I let you back into my life December of 2017, and I really believed you that time around. I allowed you to break down all of my walls, just for you to break me again. And honestly, I am so grateful. I am so happy to have had my heart broken by you again this year, but only because that means my healing process of you started. You really did show me who you were; your true colors finally shined through. And I finally believed it. I never thought I’d be ok with you out of my life, but I feel much more at peace with myself. I love myself again. You made that nearly impossible for me. You were so toxic, and I loved you so much that I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t see how abusive you were. And that’s sad, when someone can blind you so badly. That’s not what love is. Love isn’t unfair; love isn’t about possession, love isn’t about jealousy. You really had me fooled. I can finally say, I don’t feel missing. I feel fixed; I feel whole again. And I have not only myself to thank for that, but you too. You showed me who you were for the last time and I finally believed you. I gave you all of me, loved you with my whole being, and it wasn’t good enough for you. Not because I wasn’t good enough for you, but because I was too good. And it took me a really long time to realize that and accept it. I use to lay up at night and cry, wondering ‘why.’ Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t you stay? What did I do wrong? But you see, I’ve finally realized, I’m not the problem. We change for who we want to change for, and we just weren’t meant for each other. You were meant to stay in my past; as a lesson. And the thought of that use to break my heart, and have my whole world upside down. But now, I feel born again. I feel like I’m finally ok without you. My emotions for you and my love for myself, have come a long way, and I’m so proud of where both are at right now.

[alannarosee]

Repost: DECEMBER 2016

For the past 5 years, when it hits winter, I don’t feel like myself; I’m more sad. I get in this funk where everything jus hurts. I overthink until I have a headache. All year long, until winter, I thank god for allowing me to meet you. Allowing me to love you, bc you were he best part of my life. But when winter hits, everything hurts. When winter hits, that’s when I start to either miss you, or hate you. You’ve been the one and only person that I’ve loved w my whole being. Sometimes I still wonder what if? Or why? And I still can’t seem to give myself an answer. And that’s all I really want; an answer, an explanation. Every day I just want to run to you and ask, scream. WHY? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t you want me anymore? What happened, I thought we were happy? Why didn’t you just tell me you weren’t? But I hold myself back. I rarely allow you to know how messed up I am over you. You’ve asked me why I care about you, and the only answer I could give is, because you were the first boy to ever break my heart. And that answer was good enough for you. Because it always is. I think even if you answered all of my questions for me, I still wouldn’t be satisfied w them. It’s a scary feeling, loving someone. And I think you’re the soul reason why I’m so scared to love so immensely again. But I can’t keep letting you interfere w my present. I just can’t. Im going to fuck things up for myself; as if I haven’t already. You’ve taught me all of these mind games and how to break people into pieces. And I have. And I really enjoyed it. Maybe that’s why you did it. Because you got off on it. Im not sure. But 6 years later and it still hurts just as bad as the first night.

[alannarosee]

Running

I’ve been nothing but hurt before. Let down. Pushed aside. Replaced. Broken. Name it. I’m never somebody’s “happy ending” and at this point, I’m use to it. It’s sad to say but anyone to come into my life right now, I’m expecting them to hurt me. When I got out of my most recent relationship, my world was upside down. I couldn’t handle that type of pain. So I shut it off. My emotions, my feelings. I became so numb that anyone that would give me attention, didn’t phase me. I didn’t care to text back, hangout. Anything. I was numb, nothing that they could do or say, to make me feel something. And I was alright w that. I was fine. Content, if you will. Until one day, you came along. Out of nowhere. And you sparked something in me. Made me interested. Made me want something. And that’s scary. Because I was able to block out all of these boys, all of these emotions, all of these, feelings. But not you, I couldn’t block you out. I couldn’t ignore you. I couldn’t blow you off, or ghost on you. Which was very frustrating. I’ve spent every minute, since I met you, texting you; hanging out w you, thinking of you even. I haven’t let my guard down. Trust me, that wall is still there. And I’m terrified to let it down. I know that once I allow you in, once I allow you to break down all of my walls, I’m vulnerable to getting hurt again. I know that I could love you one day, and that maybe, just maybe, we could be amazing together. But that is the absolute scariest thing to me right now. Falling in love, being w someone. This feeling is making me want to run. Run from you, from us; from anything we could be. My thoughts are going 100 miles per hour, and all I can think of is how badly I don’t want to lose you, but how much of a heartache it would be, if I allowed you to break down my walls, and you ended up breaking me. I keep arguing w myself. Telling myself that I can’t allow my past, to interfere w my present or my future. Just because I’ve been hurt in the past, doesn’t mean I run from something that portrays itself to be amazing, just because I’m scared. But the other half won’t stop reminding me how low I felt the last time I allowed someone in. I know that I’m never going to love again if I can’t get through my own issues. Because that’s what this is; is my own issues. This is my own insecurity, that no one can fix for me. But just because I’m aware of the issue, it doesn’t make it any easier to fix, or take care of. I just know that I want this. And that’s what’s scaring me. I’m scared to let you in, because then I know that there’s a possibility of me getting hurt. But what am I suppose to do? Run, end things? And not know what we could’ve had? Or do I allow that possibility of getting hurt, so I can see where things go w us? I’m starting to feel myself attach, maybe that’s what scares me. Or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve been great. I know that I’m never going to get anywhere w myself if I don’t allow myself to feel things. But you see, that’s my problem. I feel things too immensely. When I’m good, I’m at the top of the world. But when I’m bad, I’m at the bottom of the ocean. I wish that I could find a median; a balance. But it’s either I’m all in, or I’m all out. I don’t know how to balance my emotions, and maybe I’m just losing my mind now.

[alannarosee]

I feel as if I need to start writing again. I use to write everyday. Every little emotion I would have, I’d write it down. It got to the point where I felt free. Writing was so therapeutic to me. It would bring me back at one. Make me at ease w my thoughts. And I think I’ve lost all sight of that. I no longer write, and I can’t say that I haven’t needed to. Because oh boy I should’ve been writing this whole time. I should’ve stayed writing. I feel like writing has always been that one thing to keep me sane. And I forgot all about it. Maybe that’s why I was starting to lose my mind again. Because I couldn’t get my thoughts onto paper, or into a blog. I think I stopped writing because I knew writing would make me have to eventually deal w my problems. Writing about my problems made them real. And we all know I’m good at running from my problems, my feelings. But that stops today. I brought back my main tumblr a few days ago, and I wrote. For the first time in probably months; maybe even a few years. And it felt nice.