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[albertiniexistentialist]

19/2/20

Just trying to support each other is hard, but you wonder as to whether some people are equipped to deal with lifes things that they throw at them- sure philosophically nothing matters in a sense, but you have to find joy in the things that give you joy and hold onto that. I guess deeper than this, don’t think I’ll ever have the answer, just that I enjoy living and I enjoy the pursuit- and many things make me happy. Just hard to argue to someone who thinks the opposite.  But you have to try, right? I think we all working towards something more or less, just depends where your values lie- if you weren’t unconsciously working towards something, or the ego didn’t have such a drive we wouldn’t make it 18 years anyway.  I think its important to always come at someone from their level- its a collaborative experience and I think it goes beyond and into the clinical interaction. Life is a series of roadblocks, edpeically the ones you make in your mind, and whether you sit down and cry or take them apart brick by brick is up to you. Occasionally you just bulldoze them but I guess that’s not half as rewarding?

I guess thats the crux of life and definitely comes into play when you treat someone

[albertiniexistentialist]

27/1/20

First day of ‘official’ placement at Apollo hospital. Aside from the customary confusion as to who was supposed to be on the bus, who’d already left, and who was half dressed running down the driveway- it actually went pretty well.

The day started with me walking up to our student hub only to be surrounded by what I presume was pumpkin and coconut- as they had prepared to ‘bless’ the new student area. I plead the 5th with understanding this one but as long as it gets me an HD I’m cool with it. The student area seems as though it was newly carved out within the last 48 hours, or at least it smelt like (plus the décor is so bizarrely different from the hospital, not that I’m anywhere near the expert on the subject).

This kickstarted the ward rounds we went on with the consultant, which amounted to 2 hours of impromptu tutorials on AF and liver function tests, amazing learning experience. No cases to stand out- however we did get to interact with an amazing registrar again, who’s seemed to have taken us under her wing, hopefully some night shifts in the future just following her around like a lost puppy. Absorbing the clinical experience has been stimulating- just so many Pt to see (although all of them seem to have pneumonia, not sure if that says more about india or my luck). Everyones getting a bit hysterical about the coronavirus- 2 cases confirmed in India, I guess it remains to be seen how far it gets outside of China itself in terms of mass spread- since im not old and/or a physical child I guess I’m in the low risk camp. Still can’t shake the feeling that something similar might be the end of us one day- especially since India seems to be very conducive to illness spreading like wildfire.

We saw the ED for all of 2 minutes, an old lady with acute gastroenteritis (my future flashed before my eyes as I frantically mentally searched for some sort of transmission barrier- beyond my refusal to get within 2m of her). But seems very busy and am super excited to get my teeth stuck into it.

That pervasive feeling of academic inadequacy/impostor syndrome still dogs me, though I think its just holiday blues and my intentional neglect of studying coming back with true karmic justice. The environment is super conducive to studying which is great though!!!

Only thing that stood out to me today is a man with chronic liver failure in the general ward- the reg explained he just would get treated/drained, sent home, then keep drinking and exacerbate said failure, only to end up in hospital again. Since hes an alcoholic, there’s no eligibility for transplant, so I just had to sit and question, well, why? Basically. What drives people to eat their own tail until they get to the end of the line, I guess many factors that are mostly impossible without talking to him- still its sad in its own inevitability I guess.

Take me back to the orientation room and fire demonstrations with live fire extinguishers. I wonder if I’ll look back on these in 2 months in a fit of rage or nostalgia and feel happier or sadder. WHO KNOWS, but don’t think I’ll ever get bored of India.

[albertiniexistentialist]

24/1/20

Potentially less subjective recounting of the day

Spent the morning in the wards, the case load seems just so much more than back in Aus, I know that’s what was envisioned but seeing it all come to life, and seeing so much diverse pathology within ~2 ½ hours (CVA- potentially pons/corticospinal lesion, Dengue, Gastro, various Pneumonia, cardiac abnormalities specifically a ventricular block, just to name a few) really puts it all into perspective. This is just MY perspective, but certainly excites me for the 5 months ahead as a learning opportunity- we then hastily ran through procedural skills- not sure what level they think we’re at.

Spent the evening at an Indian book launch (????)., smoke machine and all Just a mess of one-upping on who the most humble was. Was so intriguing seeing that doctor (author of the book) knew an actress, Olympian, and tennis player- all well enough to vouch for him at his book launch in front of an odd 200 people. I guess nepotism still makes the world go round to a degree (not my words, but nonetheless true). That plus the blessed chairman appeared (simultaneously the biggest sarcastic enjoyment, but also wholesome moment) - can’t help but be in awe of these people who have shaped the healthcare system here, but I don’t fully understand the culture yet so much that I can get past the almost sycophantic behaviour relating to certain institutional stalwarts. It’s a bit of give and take, and I’ll never shake the aussie tall poppy syndrome, I think. A;lso the book was for charity- I can’t deny the passion and commitment to healthcare or your profession here, and even if it is for show- people do seem humble and sometimes give damn good speeches.

Following this, we went to a mixer organised by consulate general- we may have indulged too much in some respects but fuck it, no matter what anyone thinks- I think we made a good impression. Brought the average age down by 20 years and definitely realised that in fact business cards are what make the world go round- that and endless conversations about nothing.

[albertiniexistentialist]

22/1/20

First post, what is there to say? Beyond recounting the day in no uncertain terms, adhering to my primal urge to write in this stream of consciousness style, what can I add that hasn’t already? The fourth day. (I think). Started with an unconvincing run but freeing in a way. I remarked this to Mike after we ran around the perimeter of the KBR park in Hyderabad at 6:30am;  sort of like zoo animals on show in a way- slicing up the gravel path, and ending (at least my willpower) with a rather lame attempt at some rocky-esque stairs. Running to me is a zen kind of state, as you trudge one foot after the other, with no clear memory of the 10 before you and no clear indication why the next 10 should be any different. I just sort of absorb my surroundings and feel very at one with whatever environment I’m in, like I’m supposed to be there as I glide through. Anyway, I digress.

To me, getting my bearing has been pivotal to establishing what I call ‘home’. After finding the supermarket, walking through the streets- eating questionable street food with no discernible side effects (thank you dearest Chairman- this’ll make sense later/eventually dear reader), I finally have a ‘bubble’ that feels like I could navigate should I be lost or “allegedly” cognitively diminished- I feel like that’s always a safe feeling that you could find your way home practically on autopilot.

India has been fascinating and eye opening in a lot of ways. Not that it’s too different than the culture shocks of yesteryear, but realising I’m living here and this is my life now is certainly a different tack. I guess in a way I’m desperate to understand how I fit here so I can feel like I belong (as much as that is possible). Regardless, a developing though process that will surely see more nuanced exploration as time goes on (hopefully). This morning culminated with a peaceful walk through KPR park ft. V, M, B and her fresh-out-of-the-oven child,  through natural Indian scrub and all, as the honks of the streets dissipated and were replaced by insect chirps and the dull fear of poisonous snakes apparently around every corner (as indicated by signs). Here we were asked for our first photo with an Indian man, and please note dear reader- certainly not our last. This resulted in a rather protracted convo of us getting his contact details and him indicating to us that he’ll give us all the local knowledge we need, minus the actual tour guiding.

I guess what this is is it just shows, as we were told by a travelling Nigerian musician we met, that helping is part of the Indian culture to a degree (open to being completely wrong and insensitive). People just want to help you, they want to cut you deals, they want to show you were to go- they want to tell you their story and share it. I love the openness and friendliness, at least to us foreigners it’s just very wholesome to see, and it just makes me want to open MY arms more and fold into their culture, to respect them for respecting me.

This has ended up far more ESOTERIC than I anticipated, but what’s new. Back to the recounting, we then dealt with some sim card bullshit- everything in india seems like a) a bureaucratic mess, and b) like it’s never been done before and boggles everyones minds that you want to do this very normal thing (i.e like get a sim card). But it’s still just enjoyable seeing everyone in their element and embracing the moment.

V, M and I then ended up heading to Golconda Fort, which should be an essay within itself, but I probably won’t recount fully here. Ended with many photos with many Indian men on the street- but really I was just utterly fascinated by the fort itself, how beautiful it was in the afternoon setting sun and accompanying haze- as the soft yellows danced along the large grassy, Arabic gardens interspersed by long forgotten empty crumbing buildings, all in the shadow of the great fort which seemed to have risen out of the mountain itself- as natural rocks were incorporated to their indescribably large walls (one was legit like 20m tall, wouldn’t want to be the (what I can only assume was) slave who put the top bricks up.

There was an amazing view of all Hyderabad at the top, temperature was perfect and the sun glazed the sharp white edges of the top citadel, an Arabic sort of building, and the hindu temple that was built up there seemed equally as sacred and eerie, as no sound from the city penetrated up here. I guess maybe you had to be there? Not sure if this explains anything well, I never do, but it’s certainly vivid in my mind.

P.S Don’t expect further posts to be this long and rambling, it’s the first one, b nice.

Fast forward to the Old town, predominantly muslim area, we saw a girl with what V and M thought to be some sort of disease (I’m not perceptive enough). I guess what I want to say about this (sorry M) is his insightful comments after just seemed to be so compassionate in a place where often people like this are left to their own devices. The overwhelming urge he described to comfort seemed like something to reach for, whether you have that quality or not- in the moment I was mostly in awe of the reflection and grasping of the moment in a way. Fully understanding where he was, who he was, and what he wanted to do- rather than being mostly distracted like me- it’s moments like these, the little ones, that I think do snap those gears into place in your head- if you let them be profound. We then ate dinner at a populated restaurant (we’re reckless but not THAT reckless) in the hopes of avoiding gastro while also trying to get gastro- lucky so far. The biryani is delicious, I don’t care what anyone says.

We then saw mike perform at an open mike night (????), and its only day 4- who is this mystery man???? I appreciate the leaps he takes (I chickened out). Finally, had a super stimulating conversation about friendship that I’ll likely forget.

Also the new Mac Miller Circles album is about as emotional as it gets :(

Idk why I wrote this but I clearly enjoyed it??? Will try to include pictures