alchaeus

[alchaeus]

OSCILATE

(V.) to sway from one side to the other.

[TW/SELF HARM]

Exactly 219 days ago, i had felt what it was like to be aggregate with myself. I knew in that moment i had wanted nothing more than to be dead, but in that moment i remembered if i were, who would pick up my sister from school in two hours and come with me to bosa donuts and pick up a Turkey sandwich with no pickles, just because i didn’t wanna be alone.

Exactly 219 days ago, was the first time in years i felt nostalgia from blooding rushing down my hand with a knife in the other, and exactly those many days ago i had stopped because of my sister.

And exactly today i’d repeat the action like muscle memory of an activated sleeper soldier because of my sister, but because she’d be the reason i’d start instead of stop.

“[]’s useless, []’s gonna die alone and going nowhere”

Isn’t that strange how things work itself around? Is there an irony about that—perhaps was it funny to a god that the neither of us believe in?

[alchaeus]

BOOK TWO: Grief is The Souvenir of Love

—a fanatical and more tenaciously rampant sequel to my first semester: the second semester.

[alchaeus]

Pie, (XII, XIII, ect)

noun [c] 1 a: a dessert consisting of a filling (as of fruit or custard) in a pastry shell or topped with pastry or both

i baked a pie.

i dont like pie, but i did it.

i had people to share it with, and they all ate it for me. Kinda ironic.

pie is made up of many pieces, its meant to be cut up and given to people. Its the way i see myself, Noone has me for the “whole” of me, simply the pieces of myself i give to them. But theres smth cathartic about sharing myself with multiple people.

Even if i still suck at trusting, i trust that people like the pieces of myself i let them have :)

I saw my friend dance today.

I dont think ive ever seen her dance before. She was so lively and laughed with all of her teeth, shes always been pretty but in that moment she was everything. I remember when there was a time where noone except me knew she had such a pretty laugh and now everyone knows it and everyone sees her smile and i am so happy

i think i’ll be okay.

[alchaeus]

Paradox (XI)

noun [c] 1 : one (such as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

Im a very full person— sometimes,

i surprise myself when i think about how i dont actually let a lot of people get to know me as im very used to only showing parts of myself to different people because i cater to what others may want from me in a friend, while at the same time hoping to search for someone to do that for me but at the same time im content with the variety of people that have ‘parts of me’, as ill never really be completely ‘me’ with someone, however enough people have so many parts of me at once that im still able to feel “whole”, or full as a person with how many people ive met that i trust with pieces of myself.

[alchaeus]

Inure (X)

verb [c] 1. accustom (someone) to something, especially something unpleasant:

i dont think people are capable of loving me. I dont think im being pessimistic, i think of it as realistic. Theres simply too much about me, if that means anything at all.

Or really, i dont like when people tell me they ‘love’ me, because i know what love feels like. It’s bone crushing, vitriolic and unforgiving if unrequited. I love to the degree its painful and apart of my whole being. I dont think theres anything about me that could make someone love me the way i love someone else.

I feel like the people talking to me keep me on a stopwatch. Im not permanent to anyone, simply there to fill up the time.

if people see me as an experience, i hope im a good one. I know im mean sometimes, but i know i can be kind.

“Im not a violent dog, i dont know why i bite.”

[alchaeus]

Ineffable (IX)

adj [c] 1

a: incapable of being expressed in words : INDESCRIBABLE

sometimes i pass by friend groups on campus and my heart feels so warm listening to them talk to each other with so much life. I miss when i was able to talk to people like that, i feel like theres something wrong with me these days because im too scared to let people in my life anymore. I dont want to be this way anymore, but it feels safe.

I think i like watching from afar though, its like standing by a campfire. I know i could always put on a sweater, but i like the roar and blaze of just being close by. Never close enough to touch, because id get hurt—obviously.

I heard the girl say she listens to lovejoy. I wonder if shes also going to be at the concert im going to. I hope id be standing near her. She was funny.

[alchaeus]

Encroach (VIII)

verb [c] 1: to enter by gradual steps or by stealth into the possessions or rights of another

knowing youre a rebound is the worst feeling in the world. I know you think of someone else when youre with me, i think i like you too much to care. If you tell me their coffee order, maybe then youd kiss me like you actually want to, i dont like coffee but i dont mind, i dont mind if you taste them on me—as long as youre on me.

I know its selfish but this really is the closest ill ever have to someone wanting me, lets use each other and feel bad about it later.

I got my first F.

[alchaeus]

Hubris (VII)

noun [c] : exaggerated pride or self-confidence

everytime i call you mine, i feel like im forcing it, as if saying it can make it so. As if im reminding you, and reminding the universe: ‘mine’. As if that one word from me could have that kind of power.

My classes seem easy, i find it hard to think any of this is going to be worth my time in the end.

i hope he’ll call me again tonight.

[alchaeus]

Idea (VI)

noun [c] 4

a: a plan for action : DESIGN

“What?”

“do you want to start our own production company?”

“Why would we do that?”

“Well, youre good at writing and everything else, and im good at money and all that—we’d be a great team.”

“i havent talked to you in a year and this is what you say to me?”

“Yeah,”

it feels nice to be thought of.

“Alright, sure.”

[alchaeus]

Abyss (V)

noun, 1

a: an immeasurably deep gulf or great space

There are times when i doubt everything. I wonder if it’ll all be worth it in the end. Do i even want to do business law, or film or anything im doing right now?

I barely knew if i even wanted to be alive just a month ago, and now i have to figure out what im going to do with the rest of my life?

i’m sick of all the universities that still send emails to my spambox. i’d figure out how to delete them all or get them to stop coming, but even thinking about the paths i couldve taken makes me sick.

[alchaeus]

Scintilla (IV)

noun [c] : SPARK, TRACE

Ive begun to get sloppy with turning things in.

I’ve decided when everything is okay, i’ll bake myself a pie.

[alchaeus]

Cherish (III)

verb [c] 1 a: to hold dear : feel or show affection for

there was a tiktok trend going around of people comparing their friends to an assortment of things.

I know alot about things, i think. I think my friend is alot like a trailing fuchsia.

trailing fushias grow in more shadier areas where like if other flowers were there they probably wouldnt survive but fuschias thrive, weirdly enough. a beautiful thing found in dark places

its, quite literally the way i see her in my head.

i was at a very very bad point in my life and then she shows up and start talking to me and suddenly even with no light near me i have something to look at and something and someone i want nothing more than to see the pretty colors of so i pull myself out of the dark just so i can look at you in the light and before i even realize that shes pink and ombre i think to myself “oh, im gonna be ok”

They’re very sensitive to cold which makes me feel happy because if she is like a fuschia and she talks to me so much that must mean that i am warm

[alchaeus]

solitude (II)

noun [c] 1

: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society : SECLUSION

i just had my first week filled with classes. It’s weird how even though im pretty sure ive managed to talk to so many people, i weirdly enough feel disconnected to them anyway. Everytime im asked to hang out i simply say im busy, even though i know im not.

I think it just feels safer that way.

i dont like pie, they invited me to bake a pie. How weird.

[alchaeus]

aurora (I)

noun [ C ] a natural appearance of coloured light in the sky that is usually seen in the latitudes (= parts of earth) nearest the Arctic or Antarctic.

i miss things— i miss alot. I think i’m going to miss simple things like this the most. It’s small times like this when im out with people that make me smile that reminds me my best friend wont know what made me smile that day.

i pretend to talk to him at night sometimes, just to recap. I know he is dead but it’s comforting to just think that somehow somewhere he might be listening to the air i whisper secrets to.

“i dont really like talking to people anymore, it’s been hard to make any real friends in a while since youve been gone”

He’d frown at me, i’d think.