aleoin

[aleoin]

hmmm

[aleoin]

Meat-and-Potatoes D/s

When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules… 

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s. My first D/s was cotton candy. It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again. 

Then there’s meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it. 

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.   

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy. 

I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore. 

Edit: I did a podcast about this post! Crazy, right? Give it a listen if you’re interested…

[aleoin]

CRT computergirl touching her face to an LCD face of another computergirl

#problematic age gap

[aleoin]

Deer girl named Sally I think deer girl is sexy >:33

[aleoin]

I cannot stop thinking about this article. It has enchanted me.

[aleoin]

do y'all even know how much i hate being an "elder queer" at 40? a whole goddamn generation before me was wiped out by a plague that politicians deemed not their problem bc it was killing the "right" people. like. this was OPENLY STATED. i spent a large chunk of my childhood going to funerals. nevermind the fact that killing queer people for being queer wasn't codified into law as a hate crime until i was a junior in high school.

i should NOT be an elder queer, i should be middle at most. i am a middle aged queer. most of the elder queers died.

when i was growing up i didn't go to pride parades, i went to pride marches. because that's 100% what they were in the 80s and 90s.

from the absolute bottom of my heart, LEARN OUR FUCKING HISTORY. a generation was nearly wiped out so you young queers could be here. don't let that have been in vain, please.

[aleoin]

do y'all even know how much i hate being an "elder queer" at 40? a whole goddamn generation before me was wiped out by a plague that politicians deemed not their problem bc it was killing the "right" people. like. this was OPENLY STATED. i spent a large chunk of my childhood going to funerals. nevermind the fact that killing queer people for being queer wasn't codified into law as a hate crime until i was a junior in high school.

i should NOT be an elder queer, i should be middle at most. i am a middle aged queer. most of the elder queers died.

when i was growing up i didn't go to pride parades, i went to pride marches. because that's 100% what they were in the 80s and 90s.

from the absolute bottom of my heart, LEARN OUR FUCKING HISTORY. a generation was nearly wiped out so you young queers could be here. don't let that have been in vain, please.

[aleoin]

do y'all even know how much i hate being an "elder queer" at 40? a whole goddamn generation before me was wiped out by a plague that politicians deemed not their problem bc it was killing the "right" people. like. this was OPENLY STATED. i spent a large chunk of my childhood going to funerals. nevermind the fact that killing queer people for being queer wasn't codified into law as a hate crime until i was a junior in high school.

i should NOT be an elder queer, i should be middle at most. i am a middle aged queer. most of the elder queers died.

when i was growing up i didn't go to pride parades, i went to pride marches. because that's 100% what they were in the 80s and 90s.

from the absolute bottom of my heart, LEARN OUR FUCKING HISTORY. a generation was nearly wiped out so you young queers could be here. don't let that have been in vain, please.

[aleoin]

Non-Alcoholic Wine (Vegan)

[aleoin]

Ariel Rebel and Nikita Bellucci

[aleoin]

herding dog werewolf who has frankly been a disaster for her polycule’s dynamics

[aleoin]

[aleoin]

[aleoin]

Transitioning really encourages you to be an unwashed gremlin.

Got on girl hormones? Guess your skin isn't gonna be as oily anymore. Less of a reason to shower.

Got laser / electrolysis? Guess you don't need to shave (which always goes smoothest when you're all steamed up). Less of a reason to shower.

Got a puppy girl with a scent kink? Less of a reason to shower.

[aleoin]

[aleoin]

its summer

[aleoin]

~💜🎮~