alex-is-the-oximoron

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

can we send up a quick thank you to pdf uploaders, torrent seeders, copy sharers, scanlators, fansubbers, digitizers, paywall dodgers, and various other internet archivers for making niche art and information more accessible in a media landscape where all but the most profitable mainstream are often tossed aside and left to rot

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

Once the friend of a friend of my mom's was visiting Rio and she saw Sugarloaf Mountain and she wanted to impress her taxi driver with her knowledge of Portuguese, so she said in Portuguese "Look, Sugarloaf [Mountain]! It's very big!".

Unfortunately, English native speakers have a hard time making the "ão" sound correctly since the sound doesn't exist in English, so instead of saying "pão de açúcar" (literally, bread of sugar), she said "pau de açúcar." Now, "pau" technically just means "wood," but it's also, unfortunately for her, slang for "penis."

So to the driver what he heard was "Look at the sugar dick! it's so big!" and he almost crashed the car from laughing so hard.

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[alex-is-the-oximoron]

“What’s your favorite color, Webs?”

“Blue. No. Green”

“Awesome! I love learning about you-“

“I fucked up. It’s yellow.”

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

I’ll never touch a pencil again I’m so sorry

these are some my my favorite pieces 😝

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

I swear to god bro

Remember when Castiel died and Dean had given up hope, and said " I just need a win. I just need a damn win."

And then he gets a call. Castiel is alive. The darkness fades from Dean's face and he's suddenly engulfed in light.

Cas was Dean's damn win.

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

my little indulgences...

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

More stupid shit at 3am

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

Castiel will look you dead in the eyes and say the funniest shit you've ever heard in the most serious tone. I love him. We need to protect him

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

@tricorderonthewall and I's Comprehensive M*A*S*H Muppet Casting

As someone who deeply loves both The Muppets and MASH, I have often considered what a Muppet production of MASH may look like. With the help of my sister (go follow her!) we sat down and compiled a list of our personal casting.

Miss Piggy as Margaret Houlihan

I've decided to start off relatively uncontroversial, so here's what is, in my opinion, the most obvious choice. Not only do they look alike (I've always said that pre-2011 Piggy looks like Loretta Swit, and post looks like Jennifer Aniston), but also I feel that Miss Piggy would very easily be able to pull off the energy of Margaret, especially in the earlier seasons.

Additionally--and I hadn't even known this until doing my research for this post--but Loretta Swit actually "replaced" Piggy on an episode of the original Muppet Show! Loretta was the Muppet Show guest in S5E2 of the series, where Miss Piggy is temporarily fired for spreading a false rumor about her and Kermit being married in Vegas, leaving The Muppets scrambling to find her replacement. Loretta fills in for Miss Piggy in both Veterinarian's Hospital and Pigs In Space, before returning the roles to Piggy at the episode's conclusion.

So, it's practically canon.

2. Alan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce

Okay, now we're getting a little controversial, as I see a lot of people wanting to cast Kermit for Hawkeye. While I understand the logic--Kermit is a main character and Hawkeye is, too--I just can't see Kermit being able to pull off his character. Additionally, I feel that by casting him, it would imply Margaret and Hawkeye a canon pair, which, while they're relationship is complicated and often interpreted as being romantic, they don't officially end up together by the end.

In my opinion, it's far funnier to keep Hawkeye human since he's the one who goes through the most psychological torment throughout the show. I mean, picture any of Hawkeye's emotional moments around the series. Now picture him surrounded by muppets. He's in the ward and he's surrounded by muppets.

3. Pepe the Prawn as Trapper John

They match each other's energy really well in my head. Like, I could see Pepe pulling off a good Trapper incredibly easy.

They match each other's freak.

4. Fozzie Bear as Henry Blake

Both rather obtuse characters, so that translates nicely with this, and also all you'd have to do with Fozzie's costume would be give him a different hat.

Overall feels kind of obvious.

5. Scooter as Radar O'Reilly

This one also feels pretty obvious because like, guy with clipboard. And glasses.

6. Larry Linville as Frank Burns

You may have noticed by now that I've been dancing around my Frank Burns casting--and that's because we've just cast Larry Linville again.

Now I know what you're going to say! "That's too many humans!" you shout in outrage, but I'm here to argue that it's not. My sister did the math (yes, we're bringing math into this), and found that, on average, the ratio of human to muppet characters is 1 : 5, or ~17% (when excluding the minor characters from both categories). Casting both Hawkeye and Frank as their original actors doesn't come near that percentage, being, at the end of our listing, only ~13%. So this is not too many.

Additionally, I think that Hawkeye and Frank both being human works really well for both of them, but for opposite reasons. Hawkeye is human because he suffers the most, and it's funny to have him suffer while surrounded by muppets, and Frank is human because he's enough of a muppet already. I mean, the man's a walking caricature of the Regular Army Man™️, and, in my opinion, keeping him human would elevate the comedy of the various occasions in which he is tormented by the members of the 4077th. Because they're muppets now.

And also, the idea of a human Frank Burns/Miss Piggy Houlihan romance in the earlier seasons deeply amuses me. It's just taking something that's already over-the-top and incredibly ridiculous, and making it even more so.

7. Gonzo the Great as Maxwell Klinger

I've seen people talk about this one before, because it really does make so much sense. The outfits would translate well, Klinger's physical-heavy comedy (think Klinger trying to literally fly back home to Toledo with a pair of big wings; very Great Gonzo-coded) would translate well--hell, even though I don't necessarily headcanon Klinger as being trans, I think that Gonzo being canonically non-binary also really adds to this.

Also check out how they're already similarly dressed in the pictures I chose 👁️‍🗨️👁️‍🗨️

8. Rowlf the Dog as Father Mulcahy

We considered Dr. Bunsen Honeydew for the role of Father Mulcahy based on look alone, but we decided against it as we couldn't find a suitable casting for Beaker, and we didn't want to separate them. So instead we landed on Rowlf because... piano and piano. I was very for the idea of Mulcahy being cast as a muppet with two hands for this purpose, and since we couldn't have Honeydew, I figured casting the actual pianist of The Muppets made sense too. Also I just think a priest Rowlf would be funny, and I can honestly picture him in the collar pretty well.

9. Lew Zealand as B.J. Hunnicut

I'll be the first to admit that this isn't one of our best castings, however we had to find some way to preserve the mustache.

This does, however, imply shaven Lew Zealand in the first handful of BJ seasons, which I'm not entirely sure how to feel about--

10. Sam the Eagle as Charles Emerson Winchester III

Bald and grumpy. Enough said.

11. Uncle Deadly as Sherman Potter

Another casting I'm not particularly proud of, however I do think that it's workable. For one, they do look sort of alike, and although Deadly is canonically British, I do think that he could pull off Potter's lines at least decently.

12. Camilla the Chicken as Kellye Yamato

I think that the nurses generally can be cast as the Musical Chickens, as a lot of them aren't permanent fixtures of the show. Kellye, however, is a fairly consistent character throughout the show's entire run, and also my favorite, so I wanted to specify that she's Camilla particularly.

13. Rizzo the Rat as Luther Rizzo

Rizzo and Rizzo, obviously, but also I think it would work pretty well. Rizzo's pretty canonically grimy within The Muppets already, and having him handle the dirty motor pool makes sense.

14. Beauregard as Zelmo Zale

I mean. Look at them.

15. Wayne as Igor Straminsky

The Swedish Chef was also a candidate for Igor since he's usually the server in the mess line, and I wanted to cast a Muppet with hands for that purpose. But, ultimately, we ended up landing on Wayne for looks.

16. Kermit the Frog as Sidney Freedman

And finally, the muppet you've probably all been waiting for: we decided to cast Kermit the Frog for the role of Sidney Freedman, primarily for the reasons already listed above regarding the role of Hawkeye. Given that Sidney is only in twelve episodes, the issue of implying a romantic relationship between him and Margaret (Ms. Piggy), is nonexistent. Additionally, I think Kermit would have a much better time of playing the soft-spoken, dry-witted Sidney than the loud, flirtatious Hawkeye. And anyway, picture every emotional therapy scene between Hawkeye and Sidney. Now Sidney's Kermit. Hawkeye's in the psych ward and he's surrounded by muppets--even his therapist is a muppet. I, personally, find that to be hilarious.

Honorary Mentions:

Statler and Waldorf could portray any of the stern, no-nonsense generals throughout the series. M*A*S*H tends to reuse actors anyway, so in my mind, it would make sense in a muppet version for these two to take those roles when they're not being given to humans.

As stated above, the various nurses could be played by the remaining members of the Musical Chickens.

And finally, The Electric Mayhem could play the members of the traveling USO Band in S10 E1-E2.

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

The could have an episode that had a 25 minute makeout scene between cas and dean and people would still deny that they are canon

They make me fucking sick

You're laughing??? When Cas became human, Dean suddenly had two nightstands by his bed and you're laughing??????

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

being the last one to send a message before the chat falls into sudden silence always feels like u just made the worst faux pas of your life and you go sorry guys was that weird and they're all like no sorry I was just looking at a leaf on tbe ground leaf.jpg like oh ok

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

playing undertale at last after somehow unintentionally avoiding all major spoilers for my entire online life (UT came out two years before I first used social media) and oh my god. this game is crazycool. lifechanging. I kind of want that gay robot

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

They

When Deadpool doesn't ruin the moment (that much)

[story collection] <-Click here to see more content

Night had fallen over New York with its usual mix of distant sirens, flickering neon lights, and the faint smell of stale pretzels. Peter Parker sat at the edge of a rooftop, mask rolled up to his nose, exhaustion carved into every line of his face. Shoulders slumped. Suit scuffed. Eye bags so deep, even his mask couldn’t hide them.

“Trouble, Tiger?” came a voice from behind, just as a red-and-black figure dropped beside him with the grace of a cat on ADHD.

Peter sighed. “Hi, Wade.”

Deadpool plopped down next to him, pulling a cheese burrito from seemingly nowhere, holding it like a glass of fine wine.

“Did you know that 87% of superheroes suffer from chronic back tension?” he asked, in a voice straight out of an infomercial. “And the other 13% are probably lying.”

Peter didn’t answer. He just stared at the horizon like he expected the skyline to offer some sort of answer.

“C’mon, Spidey, talk to me. Aunt May mistook you for the DoorDash guy again? Doc Ock trying to launch an OnlyFans with his tentacles again?”

“I’m… tired,” Peter murmured. “Physically, mentally, emotionally. Like the universe wrung me out like a sponge and then threw me against a wall made of taxes.”

Wade sprang to his feet. “Then it’s the perfect time for what I call the Existential Reset Hug™! I saw it on YouTube. Or a documentary about bears. Doesn’t matter. Get up.”

Peter gave him a skeptical look.

“I’m not gonna kill you. Promise. Well… probably not.”

“Don’t hug me,” Peter protested, but without much conviction.

“Too late!”

Deadpool grabbed him in a surprisingly strong bear hug, wrapping him up like a Canadian teddy bear. Peter made a noise like a balloon deflating.

Crack. Crrrch. Pop!

Peter’s body sounded like a box of freshly opened cereal.

“Aaagh...” he groaned, a sound somewhere between pleasure and torture. “Wade…”

“Yes, my sweet radioactive empanada?”

Peter rested his forehead on Wade’s shoulder, defeated by the sudden rush of relief.

“Tighter.”

There was a pause. Deadpool blinked behind the mask.

“Come again?”

“I said squeeze. More.” Peter raised a limp hand and gestured toward his shoulder blades. “Right there. Where the spider-sense makes me vibrate with stress.”

Deadpool held back an excited squeal. “Awwww! This is just like when Hulk used me as a therapeutic punching bag!”

And he did. He leaned into it, resting his chin on Peter’s shoulder as the hug intensified, and the sounds of popping joints continued like they were reorganizing a bookshelf made of bones. Peter let out a long exhale, legs going soft like freshly boiled spaghetti.

“Holy Ben Parker… that was heavenly.”

“See? Deadpool: killer, lover, and chiropractor certified by the University of Life!”

“Don’t tell Logan I said this, but… you’re useful. Rarely. Occasionally. Maybe.”

“That’s the closest thing to ‘I love you’ you’ve ever said to me!” Deadpool trembled with joy. “I’m writing this in my diary. In glitter. With squid ink.”

Peter let him keep hugging for a few more seconds. For one night, it was okay. No one attacking them. No chaos. Just Deadpool, him, and a few suspiciously satisfying joint cracks.

It felt good. Really good.

If this made you smile, sigh, or feel a phantom spinal crack, don’t forget to like, reblog, and drop a comment (it feeds my soul… and the algorithm). ☕ Want to support my work with a virtual coffee? You can do it on Ko-fi: [ko-fi here] Thanks for reading and for embracing this little emotional chaos!

[alex-is-the-oximoron]

Cuddle

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