alexanderpercival - Tumblr blog

[alexanderpercival]

I've followed this blog (on my main) for a while, and though I didn't grow up in a cult, the posts have always really resonated with me. I suppose abuse is abuse, no matter the setting, and perhaps that's why, but this is one of those posts that I really, really understand, despite having lived in very different circumstances.

I knew, growing up, that my father was abusive. My mom, who is absolutely fantastic and wonderful, is not abusive, but she was powerless to what he did, and my siblings and my mom and I all suffered from his outbursts and uncontrolled rage and abuse.

But if you removed the abuse, if you removed my father from the scene, I did have a pretty good childhood.

We all got nice gifts for our birthdays - I was very proud to have a lot of good quality art supplies, which were sometimes gifted to me throughout the year if I asked, even without the excuse of a special occasion. We went on nice vacations every year and, in my teenage years, usually twice a year. We went to beaches in the outer banks, to Disney World, to the mountains, many beautiful, fun places. I loved hanging out with my mom and siblings. I never liked my father, and I don't miss him, but I miss the nice things he did, like taking us on those trips or, when he was in a good mood, making meals we liked and starting campfires for us. It's really hard to articulate - I miss the acts of kindness but my mind removes him from these memories.

Part of why I stuck around as long as I did was because I didn't want to leave my mom and siblings in the house alone with my father. I knew that'd be hard. But nobody told me how painful the good memories would be. And I know, that the mind focuses on the good parts, that it erases the bad, but there are times when I wish I could run back, times when I'm convinced the constant fear and terror and dread would be worth it to be sitting in the back of the car heading on a family road trip.

Something I do not emphasize enough, I think, is that I actually have had a lot of fun in my life tbh. Like, half the reason that I spend so much time processing trauma is because it actually kinda shocked me when I realized that the bad stuff was there in my life and was so bad. ‘Cause generally speaking, I was having a pretty okay time! There was so much in life to really enjoy, even when things sucked. I really had fun, I knew some really cool people, I’ve always enjoyed things! Idk how to explain that. I really thrived on the intensity of the environments I was in. I like organizing and I like cooking and I like gardening and I like structure and I liked the doctrinal debate on an intellectual level if not for how it impacted relationships and daily life, and I liked having projects of things to learn. I like taking care of babies, and babies were everywhere! They were so darn cute!!! I fucking love jello salad, and cooking in a big kitchen with other women, it’s a DELIGHT. I loved singings, I loved tent meetings, I loved babysitting, I soaked all that up. Do you know how cool a vibe it is to have fires in wood stoves and campfires all over the place all the time? And to eat food from cool pottery dishes, grow some sourdough starter and kombucha on the counter? Hang out the sheets to dry on a clothesline in the sunshine? Pick some mint to make some tea? My life was basically a never ending summer camp, I always shared a room with other kids, there was always someone to hang out with, always access to nature. Like, the reason the trauma stuff sucks so much is because the rest of it was really, really, really really nice.

[alexanderpercival]

"if you think bad thoughts youre going to hell" should be considered child abuse

[alexanderpercival]

Elle est tombée sur la ville Comme une araignée tissant son fil

My piece for the RETJ Fanzine! So much fun

[alexanderpercival]

sucks that i’ve lost my life to mental illness just because some people thought it was okay to treat me like shit

[alexanderpercival]

would you rather be traumatised or boring

okay this whole "i'm only funny because of my trauma" bullshit was bad from the start but it's officially crossed the shit idiot event horizon now it's got yall asking if i'd rather suffer horribly, potentially for the rest of my life from the effects even after the traumatic event itself is over, or be... not very interesting? like do you even hear yourself??? get better coping mechanisms. for your own sake.

[alexanderpercival]

Things that don’t make you a bad person:

Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness

Being diagnosed with multiple disorders

Having one or various personality disorders

Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, or ASPD

Having very low empathy, or no empathy

Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia

Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries

Needing extra help or accommodations

Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics

[alexanderpercival]

be proud of yourself for

the progress nobody sees

feeling all of your emotions (and learning how to make peace with them + give them space)

standing up for yourself even though you lost people because of it

making time for yourself

doing better

saying no to people

letting go of people for your own sake

no longer allowing others to decide when you can and when you can’t be proud of yourself

[alexanderpercival]

Abusers may do nice things. This does not mean they haven’t been abusive.

A lot of times, abusers do nice things for you to manipulate you. But even if they’re genuinely trying to be nice, it doesn’t negate the abusive things they’ve done.

[alexanderpercival]

Jill Barklem (British,1951 –  2017)  

“Spring Story”, 1980

[alexanderpercival]

shout out to anyone who has a bad relationship with their father

shout out to anyone who has been traumatized by their father

shout out to anyone who was abused by their father

shout out to anyone who still deals with issues caused by their father

shout out to anyone who doesn’t speak to their father anymore

shout out to anyone who is still affected to this day by things their father did

shout out to anyone who has pain caused by their father

shout out to anyone who suffers on father’s day because of their father

[alexanderpercival]

y’all please remember your parent’s being abused by their parents does not excuse what they did to you, even if it “wasnt as bad” as whatever they went through. your dad getting hit as a kid did not give him the right to scream at you till you cried and just because he didn’t hit you doesn’t mean it wasnt also abuse. your mom invading your privacy and betraying your trust in her and trying to get you to do things out of guilt for her lost childhood is still abuse. you are not responsible for fixing something you had no part in causing and im sorry anyone ever made you feel that way.

[alexanderpercival]

Oof

Editing a trigger/content warning for emotional abuse/gaslighting in here. Please reblog this version!

[alexanderpercival]

Actually I think taking man-made substances in order to function does not automatically mean you’re an out of control addict who has become a puppet for the devil, and you should take your meds as prescribed and also get some coffee and you deserve to feel okay. 💚

[alexanderpercival]

I really wish all children were protected all the time

[alexanderpercival]

with all due respect (none),

[alexanderpercival]