alexandersfeelings

[alexandersfeelings]

forgetfulness

id almost forgotten about all my stolen poems, sabotaged stories, shakespearean like fallacy.

It’s been a couple years since I saw them, reading them back reminded me of the little kid i was when i wrote them.

The feelings are almost gone, yet they aren’t. Sometimes they come back, late into everyone else’s slumber but my wake. I sit on my comfortable, privileged seat and judge my mistakes But do i really judge them or do I wish I could go back?

As I read, I remember all those i’ve loved and especially all those i’ve lost. I never seemed to mention those I still love, still appreciate and would still wait on the far away lonesome beach for.

I do all this, uncertain of what had been and surely uncertain of what is to come. I i know my thoughts as they flow, a bad habit but then why does it get me so high? Feeling elated then passing out, until the next day, when the regret is.

The forgotten attic, the forgotten arena, the forgotten beach, the forgotten roof, the forgotten window sill where we saw the stars, the forgotten blossoms and trees that cut deep, then why do they return with such a sting?

Now that i’m older, i realise…

[alexandersfeelings]

i want my scars back, just to prove that i have suffered too.

[alexandersfeelings]

i think i pretend to like everyone to avoid being consumed by hatred and vengeance. but in a way, revenge has already made me it's slave.

[alexandersfeelings]

the leaves remain on the ground, unmoving.

a mosquito settles beside me, daintily.

the plants remain unshaken by the wind.

yet i quaver.

[alexandersfeelings]

my hands shake as i type this.

the vibrations flow through my body violently.

i can't stop them, i can only watch my hands.

i want to stop thinking, stop feeling, stop remembering.

i want to cleanse myself of all those unsaintly touches, especially that one.

i want to erase all the scars that adorn my forearms.

i want to be happy, to be able to love, to be able to touch freely.

i want to be free

but my past chains me to my grave.

[alexandersfeelings]

i just want some peace and serenity.

i don't want time to think,

i don't want time to feel.

i don't want time to remember all that happened.

it happened on the day before my birthday.

it was the day i felt most unclean.

him?

how could it have been him,

how could I have let this happen

i cannot belive.

I DONT WANT TO BELIVE IT.

i want to cry,

i want to tear my fucking hair out.

I WANT TO DIE.

i want someone to walk in here,

an angel in disguise.

i want them to comfort me,

console me,

gather all my tears.

To not think of him or this day ever again.

[alexandersfeelings]

they're back again.

my demons are back again.

they're too strong for me.

i don't want to fight them anymore.

they keep me warm and covered in red at night,

they keep me awake in class and throughout the night,

they're my demons...

and this time, i just might let them win

[alexandersfeelings]

roses are red,

violets are blue,

sugar is sweet

and so are you.

but today,

the roses have withered,

the violets have rot in their vase,

the sugar bowl is empty

and my wrists are stained red because you're not here anymore

[alexandersfeelings]

me and my broken knife

i lay the knife upon my skin once more. the pain makes me feel brand new. but with every cut, a small part of my soul withers away. however, it's all fine. im fine. i like the pain. i like the feeling of feeling. so don't worry about me, dont pay too much heed to my words dont look in my direction dont think of me. let my knife and me be.

[alexandersfeelings]

They say that someone has it worse. But someone always has it worse, there's always going to be someone out there who has it worse than me. But does that make me irrelevant? Does that give you the right to quash my struggles? Does that give you the authority to neglect my needs? You tell me that someone out there has it worse than me. But in my daily struggles, i repeatedly come to the conclusion that it's me. I have it the worst. I see people around me happy, it only furthers the void of loneliness and longing within me. I'll take my own life, then maybe you'd realise that i am suffering too. Why do you still choose to ignore me?

[alexandersfeelings]

im finally smiling,  i think my heart just might burst, I havent felt such happiness before, its you, its always been you

my messed up mind

[alexandersfeelings]

my lucifer fell in love with your gabriel, our love tore the world apart

my messed up mind

[alexandersfeelings]

i yearn for you, for i am in love

i look up at the stars, searching for you amongst them.  yet, you're nowhere to be found.  the moonlight is harsh against the pavement but I keep walking through the night.  im on a quest to find you... a quest to find you around me, in the stars, the moon, the city.  i look around, failing to find you in the surroundings.  the cars pass me by but why dont i see you? trees cast their shadow upon me but why dont i see you?

i feel you but I can't see you.  i feel you in my heart.  in my every step, in my every breath.  i feel you pulsing through my veins,  i feel you in the strech of my muscles. 

i feel you in me. then why do you not see that I'm in love with you?

[alexandersfeelings]

thinking about you always makes my heart smile a little

my messed up mind

[alexandersfeelings]

I just want the warmth of your embrace, I just want the cold days to go away, a hug from you is all i desire, why then, are you so far away?

my messed up mind

[alexandersfeelings]

what dosent kill you, only breaks you further

my messed up mind

[alexandersfeelings]

I've cried so much, I dont think i have any more tears left

my messed up mind