alexianne

[alexianne]

mom and i are as of writing arguing (lovingly) about how my favorite color when i was around two or three years old (she thinks) was orange. she said she found me stupid because out of all the colors i could have quickly learned and remembered, it was orange. she was going, "'red' could have been the first color you learned. or 'blue'. or any other one-syllabled color names." so, in my defense, i said, "that wasn't being stupid! that was being smart, having remembered the hardest-sounding color name!"

aaand and she goes on to downplay me by saying that i probably have remembered 'orange’ only because i had this orange, snoopy-designed shirt i loved wearing 🤷🏻‍♀️

like, mom, can't you just accept the idea that i might have been too smart for my age, yes?

[alexianne]

Hello miss Lynda, I hope your day has been great! This was years ago, and I just totally forgot (how dare I, right?) that I have a photo of it... just wanted to share with you that my mom made me a Wonder Woman-themed cake for my birthday. She's not a comic book fan, but she just happened to watch your Wonder Woman. And so it was her who introduced me to the character, and to you. I must say this is the best cake I've ever had so far :)

That is cool! What flavor?

[alexianne]

It turns out that Earth is a sort of “nursery” for humans. Once we die, we are reborn in different worlds with the knowledge we had on Earth and with extra abilities that reflect what sort of life we led.

[alexianne]

[alexianne]

Morning of September 16, 2023 found me and my parents traveling to Pampanga to attend a flight school’s career orientation. I was so excited about finally having an actual sneak peek at the student life I have been dreaming of having.

All throughout the drive, I was just ecstatic. Upon arriving at the school compounds, I was becoming giddy. It was an amazing place—at the entrance is quite a long unpaved road, which leads to a roundabout. I wasn’t able to see any buildings at first because the area was just filled with nothing but trees. If I would become a student there, I’m sure that would be one if not my most favorite hang-out places. It was only when I reached the roundabout when I saw a drop arm barrier, which turned out to be the actual entrance to the school itself. Located at Clark Freeport, it was a quiet place, save for the sound of rustling trees, and the occasional sound of airplanes nearby.

We settled down, and realized we arrived an hour earlier than the official program time. My parents decided to take a quick nap and encouraged me to do so as well, but I was just a bundle of nerves. I know that I would be closing my eyes, and my mind would just go into overdrive.

Fast forwarding to the program. It was a very informative orientation, having showed everyone who attended the current news and trends in the industry. There was also a game afterwards, which I felt I could have succeeded in winning if only my hands weren’t shaking from excitement. And of course, the program wouldn’t be complete if a campus tour wasn’t included. The school boasts of being the ‘Ateneo’ of flight schools, meaning they were considered one of the top (which, just for humor, I found icky because I graduated from its ✨green✨ rival). But kidding aside, I think they walk the talk, what with all three advanced simulators for both A320 and A330 and other fixed base training devices? Just …*chef’s kiss*.

And as the program and also the day ended, I would be going home with new insights to the industry, the school features, some photos in the awesome simulators, and of course some cool giveaways (because I did ask a question during the Q&A 😏).

Check out the video highlights from the school’s official FB page:

[alexianne]

Dance is mentioned on many occasions in Scripture. Of the twenty-seven biblical references to dance, danced, dances or dancing, nineteen are positive in that they refer to expressions of either joy or worship; while only 6 are negative, referring to heathen or seductive dancing; and two references are neutral. Since creation men and women have found dance to be an emotional outlet. By the time Miriam the prophetess led all the women of Israel in a spontaneous celebration of victory by the sea (Exodus 15) dancing was a well-established practice among the ancient nations. Dancing was prevalent on sacred occasions. Valiant warriors were welcomed home by singers, dancers and tambourine fanfare, (Judges 11:34 and 1 Samuel 18:6) the most familiar biblical passage relating to the dance is that in (2 Samuel 6) describing King David, dancing and leaping before God and his people with all his might. Why is it we endorse it for David and reject it for ourselves?

It is unfortunate that there has been the association of dance with sinful activities. The idea is that, if dance is used in worship, it could be seen as approving dance in other situations that do not honor God. However, this is not necessarily the case. The Amalekites’ dancing in 1 Samuel did not prevent David from dancing in 2 Samuel. Christians can and should utilize dance as they do any other art form such as music, painting, drama, or film-making. As long as the dance is worshipful, God-focused, and praiseworthy, it can have a proper place in worship. Worship dance is a far cry from the seductive dance of the daughter of Herodias (Mark 6:17-28).

It is important to understand that dance in the context of worship is not simply self-expression. It should be done in a way that is helpful to the entire congregation. Paul noted that “everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way” in the church (1 Corinthians 14:40). “Everything” would include the use of dance in worship. Anything during a worship gathering that distracts from a focus on Christ should be left out. Each congregation bears the responsibility to structure its worship service in a way that honors God and encourages those within their group. Dancing before the Lord is not totally about technique. It’s about having the right attitude in your heart. It’s also about telling a story. The music, words, and dance must be united in harmony. Dancing for the Lord is a very unique ministry and the group or soloist must not have any distractions in what they wear such as their costumes, undergarments, hair, makeup, jewelry and even nail polish. Since this is such a visual ministry any distractions can take away from the message the dancers are presenting before the Lord. The Father loves our worship and if you decide to worship in dance, come to Him spiritually clean and worship the Lord with a pure and good heart.

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed my with joy. —Psalms 30:11 NLT

PERSONAL DANCE JOURNEY:

If there is a talent that I would say that is innate in me, that is dancing. I have been dancing even before I did arts and crafts, way before I loved reading books, learned how to sing, and discovered my love for theater. I have been dancing on the streets at our first home, alone in front of the mirror at our second home, and just alone even with no mirrors (and direction) at our third home. I was a part of my school’s dance troupe from kindergarten until third grade. It was summer before I went to fourth grade when I took singing lessons and then decided to join the school’s glee club just so that what I learned during the summer would not go to waste. And since then, I have never been part of any dancing lessons or group. Although I tried to go back to dancing by joining the dance troupe in high school, I got intimidated and backed out when I saw that all the so-called popular girls were in there (no regrets there, since this is the time I discovered my knack in theater). And so I went on with my life, almost forgetting my passion for dancing…

Until 2017 came. I was having my Quiet Time when the Lord gave me Matthew 25:14-30, The Parable of the Talents. When I finished reading the parable, it was like God slapped me at the back of my head, saying that He has given me a talent that I have not used for a long while. Right then and there, I prayed for God to just let me know when and where I could utilize that talent that He has given me. And after quite a short while, I saw a group of people dancing on our worship service, which I, later on, discovered to be Iron Saints, the dance ministry of the church. What was funny was that it seems that after that conversation with the Lord, Iron Saints became so visible (like, they had dance worship every week since the first time I took notice of them) that it seem that God was really showing me where He would be taking me. The new question in my mind was, “when would You be letting me be a part of that ministry?” And guess what, I have prayed for the answer to that question for two years.

It was sometime around December of 2018 when my Discipleship group leader messaged me about Iron Saints, now called Saints Dance Ministry, and their Open Dance Class. I right away signed up, with God telling me that this is already His timing. I attended the dance class, got invited for the ministry’s one-month training, and then got eligible to audition. Imagine my nerves, all knotted up. I mean, solo auditions?!?! I don’t think that the one-month training was enough to make me look okay in dancing. I know my moves are really sloppy and my memorization sucks. I seriously almost backed out. But God, yet again, kind of slapped me and told me that I have prayed for this opportunity for two years and He has paved the way for me to be at that moment. And so I went on with the auditions, praying that okay if this was God’s will, I will pass it; but if it was just me and my excitement in getting back to dancing and not God, then He will make me fail the auditions.

Side story: the audition was held on a Saturday. They announced that they will be releasing the results of the auditions earliest Monday of the following week, or if not, any day within. To my surprise, I got a text from someone from the ministry right the following day, congratulating me on making it in! Imagine me sitting, in the middle of the Sunday service when I saw the text. I shamelessly, literally cried when I saw the message! My mom, who was sitting on my right, got so surprised that she had to ask what happened to me. I know I cannot speak at that time, so I just showed her the message. She congratulated me after, and well, the rest is history.

2019: YEAR OF THE GROOVE:

As part of the dance ministry in our church, we are always being told that the first and foremost priority of our dancing is to lead people to worship through dance. Regardless of whether or not we can go to our blocking on time, properly execute the steps, or hit the steps on time, if the reason why we are not able to perfect the choreography was that we ministered to someone from the audience, then we should just “let it be”.

As easy as it may sound, it actually isn’t.

I have performed a number of times on stage already, may it be dancing or acting. I was trained to engage the audience through my facial projections and big movements, but never have I ever really made direct contact with the audience and encouraged them to join me in performance. My first Dance Worship — the last session of B1G Fridays’ series, Dig Deep last August 19, 2019 — is not that much different from my previous performances. I may look like I was enjoying the dance, but I admit I still lack that “encouraging the audience” part, which kind of defeats the purpose of dance worship. Although I could still say that it is still a whole lot different than my previous performances.

How did it feel like dancing before an audience once again after more or less twelve years? Definitely nerve-wracking. From the first training up to this certain point, I would say that my confidence in myself isn’t that developed yet. I could say that I am definitely rusty, from my memorization to my moves. I mean, who wouldn’t get rusty from a twelve-year break, right?

I know that I still have so much to learn. Comparing myself with my batch mates in Saints, of whom the majority of them went to dance classes or are/were part of a dance group, I feel like I was the most left-behind. But I am just so grateful that I have God-given peace to take things slowly ⁠— that I will be better, in His time. What God is telling me that is important is that my heart to stay grounded, that I am dancing – or in my case, I was placed back in dancing – not for myself, but for, through, and because of Him. And anyway, He said that He equips the called, not calls the equipped. If God really plans on using Him to lead people to worship Him through dancing, who am I to doubt what I can do and how much I could improve in a certain period of time?

Only by the grace of God was I able to continually serve Him and at the same time be better in what I do. In the past year, I was so blessed to slowly but surely be able to actually get people to dance for the Lord through various events in the church.

And the year capped off with the yearly Praise Dance Concert, with the theme ‘Freedom!’. This is no doubt the hardest time in being a part of a dance ministry. The preparation for the concert challenged all of us in all aspects ⁠— physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. Training/rehearsals extended until 10 P.M., I would still have to deal with an overly worrying (read: annoyed) mother once I get home, and then I would have to wake up early the next day for work. There were a lot of choreography and blocking to learn, on top of the things I had to mind for work. This was also the time when the confidence I have developed earlier in the year was shaken. I even remember questioning myself if I really deserve being in the ministry, not only because of my confidence on my skills, but also because of how I managed my time. With the short amount of time for rest, I tried to maximize every chance I could get to sleep, sometimes sacrificing the quality of the time I spend with the Lord. How dare I declare that I am dancing for the Lord if I couldn’t even spend time with Him? But to cut the story short, all of us managed to go through everything by encouraging and helping one another and most importantly, pointing each other to God and reminding each other to just hold on to Him. Quick story: I was a mess up to the last minute of the preparations. Call time on the day of the concert was at 6 A.M., and I came in at 7 A.M.. Why? Training the previous night ended at 10 P.M., I got home at around 11, and mother was, as usual, angry. She confiscated my phone, which caused me to miss my alarm. Sighs

Anyways, I am not to focus on the negative stuff. I mean come on, look at that very, very, pretty stage design and lights, and that very, very ka-vogue (because yes, I was dancing vogue in that last photo) acts. The concert was a success because more than the amazing set design and the choreography, all of us were able to glorify God by surpassing all personal and collective hardships that we went through, and also by being able to showcase the gift of dancing that He has given us. The feeling was so satisfying that I chose to just forget the bad stuff that happened the morning of the concert.

Going back to my main point: God. I would have never be able to go through all these amazing experiences if God has not given me the gift of dancing and allowed me to be a part of this ministry. I decided to make this post to commemorate my first year in the ministry. Looking back, I have never seen my life so colorful and happy as my life in 2019. I realized that this is how I would be seeing my life if I do the things God has appointed me to do, and if I utilize the talents that He has given me. Truly there is nothing more fulfilling than fulfilling the purpose God has given us.

[alexianne]

“God does not measure value or significance in size, but in his creative design. The cross reminds us that he is mindful of us in ways that galaxies will never know. Of how much more value are you than they?” —Jon Bloom, ‘What Billions Say in Silence’

During the lock-down, I experienced some ups, and maybe a lot more downs than I could care. Things and people around me made me question a lot about myself —my worth, my capabilities, my character, if I am really doing well in life, if I am doing the right thing in life, basically pretty much everything. There were times that I could handle them well, that I could just rest on God. But there were more times that I question if I am just being uncritical, or is holding on to my worth to God plainly enough. These times were rough, as I did not have anyone to talk to, thanks to the established no-phone-no-laptop punishment. I did not have anyone else to negate all my negative thoughts and affirm me that I am doing well in life. I felt like a prisoner of the virus and of my own negative thoughts.

Now I love all heavenly bodies. I love the sun with its rising and setting, the clouds with its different kinds. I love the stars—twinkling, falling, whatever. I love the moon—the crescents, the quarters, the gibbous, and the full and new moons. Imagine how much I spent looking up the starry night this quarantine season, especially with cleaner-and-clearer-than-ever skyline and the Lyrid meteor showers of the late. While doing so one night, I was reminded of this certain verse,

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him? —Psalm 8:3-4

And with everything that is happening, from my personal chaos to the pandemic that is spreading its horrors around the world, God, at that moment and through the stars, comforted me. The stars, with their declarations, made me feel at peace even for just a moment.

Who am I to question my worth, to say that I am just a nuisance to the people whom I expect to show love and support for me? Who am I to question my talents and their profitability, when God take thought of me; every part of me a well-thought-out design and made me fearfully and wonderfully (Psalms 139:13-14)? God never makes mistakes, and this only tells me that He did not make a mistake in creating me. Who am I to question my future when God gave a promise that He will take care of me and all His people and that He has our best interests at heart? Not only my very existence was arranged, even how I would live my life was already planned. And the wise God knows that those plans are to give me a bright future and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). He never gave that promise to the stars despite creating so many of them—much more than the number of the people on earth—and making them beautiful and giving them names (Psalm 147:4). Who am I to question if I am going through the right path at the right time, when God leads even the stars and makes sure that none of them is ever missing? As long as I follow God and know Him by reading His word, I know I will never go missing from His presence (Isaiah 40:26).

Let me be child-like and say that I want to be like a star. Not the popular kind, though. The kind that is hardworking, doing everything without grumbling, so that I would be blameless and appear as lights in the world (Philippians 2:14-15). I also want to be the kind that is wise, so that I will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of the heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever (Daniel 12:3). I would like to end this post by pointing out the the unfathomable extent and scope of God’s love for us: that we have God who remembers the names of a millions and millions of stars, and yet also knows and remembers us; and more importantly, loves us.

[alexianne]

It’s Day 7 since the president announced that he would be placing the state in a community lock-down, Day 6 since I really stayed at home. While I understand that work-from-home is substantial consequence to the announced lock-down, I was not totally at ease with the new set-up. I mean, sure, I get to save time from traveling and instead do some more tasks, but a big part of my work depends on stuff I can’t just bring home to work on. Other reasons include knowing I would not be able to focus a hundred percent because I would be with my mom who surely would be asking me to do something either for her or household-related, and man I was not wrong (not that I’m complaining though). As I try to process things, I know that these reasons are just superficial, but the underlying reason why I was uncomfortable with the set-up is something I can’t quite put my finger on.

It took five days for me to pin the reason down, basically this very day, just a few moments into drafting this post, when I still had a different outline of what I was supposed to type down. It was not a fun realization, as the answer I was looking for took me to my B.C. days — and no, I’m not trying to be witty here, I actually mean Before Christ days. Two different life periods, same season, almost the same scenario. I was not able to remember it right away because the memories were something I kind of buried deep down the memory lane. And so far, I am not remembering everything clearly, and I don’t think I want to. I will just be sharing the things I can comfortably remember. But come on, imagine the trigger I felt… in my best aussie accent not noice.

First memory: I was still in High School. I cannot remember which summer vacation was it, or why I was being grounded, but all I can remember is the house helper that was with us at that time. I was in a no-phone, no-T.V., and no-pocketbooks punishment for the entirety of my summer vacation. The reason why I remember our house helper at that time was that she was why I kept my sanity that summer break. Since I was also banned from watching T.V., mommy would lock me out of our bedroom at noon for her to get her daily dose of the weekday variety show. And since that time I was still not used to sleeping on the couch, I at first would just stay up and basically doodle or daydream, thus no siesta sleep for me. I think this is what made our house helper take pity on me. Later on, she decided that she would also stay up instead of taking her own siesta, and spend time with me. I remember clearly our usual set-up: since it was summer, we would stay at the kitchen since it was the coolest part of the house at noon, set up the fan, sit on the floor for added coolness, and then we would proceed to talk for hours until mommy would come down to cook dinner. We would then have to disperse so that mommy would not say anything like the helper was spoiling me, therefore I would not learn my lesson, or whatever it is that would float her boat (she actually said that the very first time. Of course, the two of us did not know that mommy would also get mad at the helper for “spoiling me” and so we did not stop talking until mommy came in). Sometimes she would go out and buy us some chips for while we were talking. I remember she would have to keep the wrappers in her room so that mommy would not see them because I was being controlled from eating chips… which exactly was the point why our helper would buy some, just to show her support for me against the matriarchy. Kidding, that was exaggerated. She told me she understands the no-phone, no-T.V. policy, but she thought that the no-books policy was going too much. That is also why, whenever she would clean my room, she would sneak out a book of mine with her, keep it in her room first for safekeeping, so that I could read once mommy goes back up for the primetime shows (I was still locked out at this time. I would only go in the room when mommy turns off the T.V. and it would be time to sleep) while she would busy herself on her phone. One other way she would spoil me was there were times where, while mommy was taking her siesta sleep, she would sneak me out of the house in the afternoon for a short walk (just around the block. We would not dare go farther because we had no way of knowing when mommy was going down the kitchen). I think this was how I got to know and talk to the neighbor across us. Anyway. Talk about being placed under house arrest. I remember how golden the first day back in school was… I remember feeling so happy just to be able to walk a lot (can you imagine being happy just to be able to walk?!?!) and do something else other than sitting the day out.

Second memory: College. Almost everything was the same, from me not remembering the details of it, to the set-up of it all. Only this time, the said house helper was not around for quite a time already. If I am remembering it right, this was the time I was a ninja-in-training. I had no one to help me out, so the damsel had to learn to be her own knight in shining armor. Ninja training included sneaking things like pocketbooks, my planner for that year, and my beloved pens out of my study room, knowing the best spots to hide those things for overnight because I don’t have anyone to keep it for me, and being able to be a whirlwind once I hear mommy up and about earlier than expected and would have to keep my things in their hiding place very quietly. And oh, it also included some acting classes! Pretending I was so bored to death, but I actually was not because I had my trusty books, journal, and pens that really kept me company. I think this was the time I was starting out with bullet journaling that it used to take me a lot of time just to conceptualize a spread. Or maybe it was not yet bullet journaling, but since I was still a student and cannot afford nice planners yet, I was creating my own planner (yes, I did this for three consecutive years). Whatever, I won’t try to recall whichever was it. The important thing is it kept me sane for that summer break.

Back to the present day. No, I’m not under arrest, we can all relax and breathe (yet…?). Worst case would be I still had at least my laptop with me since I’m using it for work. The reason I got triggered is my mom and I had a fight and it [is] couch night for me. And it’s summer. And work-from-home is making me think that it is just like a summer vacation because I don’t get to leave the house. This set-up, this vibe, the season, they just made me remember the saddest of my summers. And this is not a good feeling, okay? I just feel antsy, like I may do couch night for the rest of the quarantine season (I think I’ll get crazy if the enhanced community lock-down gets extended). But if there is something that I know will help me get through, it’s God. I mean, imagine those days — 2 months during High School and just a few weeks, around 3 to be more precise — that I could have read the Bible if only I got to know Christ that early in my life. And while my books and journal did provide me solace on those times, that solace was short-lived. Those are nothing compared to the eternal solace the Word of God promises to us. While the books I read encouraged me to be a modern woman who can do a lot of amazing things and can fight on her own, it was in God where I really became physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strengthened. While the words I have written and the figures I have drawn extended my artistic borders, there is so much more joy in knowing that in every stroke of my colored pens and in every word I piece together, I would be able to glorify Him not only by utilizing the gift He has given me, but also being an instrument of spreading Him and His Word through my projects.

Capping this unexpectedly long post with a short and simple note. We have a lot of free time on our hands right now due to the community lock down and I just hope that we utilize most of it into doing things that really matter. Most importantly, I hope that we spend every single moment of it with God because whatever we do with and for the Lord, it will never be a waste of time and could actually impact our whole lifetime, and maybe even in the life beyond.

[alexianne]

Praise 2019 opening act

[alexianne]

selcas while trying out McDo's new McFlurry flavors (although we were playing with fries here)

[alexianne]

A special kind of Manic Monday.

It was six o'clock in the morning already. I was supposed to be on the bus already, either waiting for it to leave or just about to aboard it. But for so many reasons like 1.) it was simply Monday; 2.) my mom was my alarm clock since she confiscated my phone, and she woke me up late; 3.) it was the first day of work from the Holy Week and my body is still on vacation mode; 4.) I’m actually running low on cash, and who likes to do anything when you’re running low? (Unless it’s just to Netflix and chill at home, but that was not my case); and lastly, 5.) it would be my last full week at the office and I can already feel my SP chapter closing, I was just about to leave home, obviously running late.

The bus left at past six, making myself accept the possibility of arriving at the office past the grace period and having deductions to my salary. But trying to have more positive thoughts than that, I tried to just meditate and enjoy what could be my last P2P ride. Confession: I really suck at meditation. What supposed to be an effort to meditate just turned out to be me sleeping on the whole ride instead. As I woke up almost exactly as I was about to alight the bus, imagine me being happy as Larry when I checked the time and saw that it was just five minutes past seven! I am not late! Hallelujah! And because I am not late, life kind of played a joke on me and made me energetic enough to start working a little bit earlier than eight (official working hours starts at eight). And so, my usual busy Monday kicked off earlier than usual.

Hustle, hustle as I was trying to finish everything I have to finish before I do my clearance. I did not even stand up to have lunch but did working lunch instead. And then, around five in the afternoon, everyone’s lives got shaken, literally, as a magnitude 6.1 earthquake took place (to be accurate, the epicenter of the magnitude 6.1 was at Castillejos, Zambales, PH). Your grandma, yours truly, tried to do the Duck-Cover-Hold, but then some started shouting instructions for all of us to go out of the building instead. And I did evacuate, not thinking of trying to save any of my belongings except for a slice of cantaloupe that we in the area were sharing amongst us right before the earthquake (I may have a “proof” on somebody else’s phone, I just hope it doesn’t get posted anywhere…). So all of us went out in groups, meeting everyone else in the company right outside the building – which we later on realized was a mistake so we crossed the road so that we will be situated opposite the buildings. People were just standing at the corner either taking photos and videos that they would post on their stories and my days or talking on their phones giving out reassurances that they were not hurt and asking people for updates about what happened. And for what seemed to me like just a few moments (but it was actually almost an hour), we were filing back towards the entrance, without any official clearance or anything that would tell us that it was already safe to go back in. People started separating ways, going back to their respective areas. After just a couple of minutes, we at the basement received instructions to go and transfer to the 2nd floor to continue our work. When we were almost done identifying which of our stuff could we bring with us upstairs and tidying up our area, we got the notice that it was early out, courtesy of our CEO. And so instead of going up, we just headed straight out of the building, rejoicing that it was early dismissal for us.

Where I planned on going home early came an invitation for dinner. And so if you think that I got to go home early and enjoy that once-in-my-entire-SP-stay early out privilege, I’m telling you how very wrong you are. I had dinner with my office mom, and my office little sister at Ooma. So there we had fun bullying the meimei, and talked about work, and made our tummy very happy but our wallets very sad (my ‘running low’ status changed into 'gone’ at this point). By the time we finished, it was eight in the evening. It was already ten by the time a van arrived (yes, my waiting time was two hours), and it was eleven in the evening when I got home (yes, my waiting time was twice longer than my actual travel time). Oh wait, did you hear that? That was the sound of the trash bin when I dunked my 'Get Home Early’ plan.

With everything that happened on this eventful day (more of a dull morning but eventful afternoon), I had a lot of realizations, which I will expound later at some other post because they are a part of a much bigger picture. All I am going to say as a gist of my realization is this: this may sound so morbid but that earthquake could be so much worse and I could have died if that was the case. And at the moment that my life flashes before my eyes, I’m sure I would not like what I would see on my latter days.  I was reminded by this incident that we should always do your best. Aim for the purely good stuff and the best of that stuff. Never stop reaching for your dreams because we can never know what, when, where or even how mishaps could happen and we can never, ever afford to have any regrets and what-ifs.

P.S. As I was doing my research regarding some information on the earthquake that I would include here, I found out that the earthquake had casualties. According to one online news article, five people were crushed to death when a supermarket wall collapsed in Porac, Pampanga. In another city in the same province, eight people died and had a power knock out. For some reason, I cannot believe how lucky I still am. All praises to Him who still have plans for me and decided to keep me alive. My thoughts and prayers are with those who were affected by the earthquake.

Edit: apparently, as I was writing this whole post, another earthquake hit the country. A magnitude 6.5 at San Julian, East of Samar. More heartbreaking casualties. Authorities are doing as much as they can to rescue as much as they can. Whatever happens, let’s keep praying and be grateful for our lives.

[alexianne]

[alexianne]

[alexianne]

[alexianne]

In an article written by Rick Warren, he wrote, “(t)here is a strong belief in our culture that influences every one of us, whether we want to or not: if it feels good, do it. But when you allow yourself to be manipulated by your moods, you are living your life according to your feelings. God wants you to live a different kind of life. He wants you to live a life of faith, not a life of feelings”.

Faith is defined by Merriam-Webster as a strong belief and trust in and loyalty [to God]. Putting our faith in someone entails confidence that the object of our faith is something or someone that is genuine, unshakeable, and unchanging. If that whom we’re putting our faith in has these characteristics, then that someone would serve as an anchor that would keep us grounded no matter what the world convince us to be, and a compass that would give us direction in times of indecisiveness and through worst cases of mood swings (at least, for all the ladies out there).

Feelings, on the other hand, are defined as an emotional state or reaction; a belief, especially a vague or irrational one. The fact that feelings are described as vague and irrational, and are tagged as just a state clearly reflects its instability. Given its definition, this makes feelings something that we cannot really hold on to in times of confusion or loss.

When I first became a Christian, you wouldn’t have to ask me to pray or read the Bible. I was the textbook definition of ‘being on fire’: I was always excited to commune with God like the excitement of one who is about to ride a roller coaster. I was, in hindsight, definitely walking with the Lord with my feelings. But the past weeks has been a repetitious whirlwind for me (if the term 'repetitious whirlwind’ even makes sense to anyone). I have been doing the same things at work over and over, in increasing volume each day. While I successfully accomplish every task I had for the day despite the increase in volume, I happen to neglect some of the most important things that I should be doing, which is to meditate on God’s word. When I started working, I used to be able to read and meditate on the Bible while riding the bus on my way to work. But lately, I am just utilizing the trip by catching up on the sleep that I feel I lack. And while I think that I am spending my time correctly, I know deep down that I am losing a lot more the longer I continue on this kind of set-up. I am losing the chance and the discipline to deepen my relationship with God. It was at this point after I came to this realization that I came across the aforementioned article by Rick Warren. What smacked me right in the gut was this line that says, “if you want to deepen your relationship with God, you have to spend time with Him even when you don’t feel like it. People who have a regular, consistent quiet time with God didn’t get there because every morning they woke up and wanted to spend time with God. They got there because the woke up and spent time reading the Bible and praying even if they were tired or didn’t feel like it.”

Lately, I just read the Bible whenever I feel like I am in the right disposition to read the Bible (a.k.a. I am not feeling sleepy). I did not notice that I have come to the thinking that I have to be in the perfect condition to reach out to God. Lately, I am just praying for myself; I am praying for the daily provision, that He may deliver me from all evil, and that I  may feel His presence so that all my thoughts, words, my heart, and all the works of my hands will be guided by Him. And while there is nothing wrong with that, I have only done what is within my comfort zone, and have forgotten the feeling of being blessed whenever I pray for my Jerusalem, Judea, and Samaria. I belatedly remembered that in keeping a relationship—any and all relationship—there should be effort coming from both sides, one of the best efforts I could do on my side is to pray for them.

Exerting effort is hard; being consistent and developing discipline is way harder. But that is how we will be able to keep relationships. Relationships are always two-way, and our relationship with God is no different. Once we keep up with our part of the relationship, we will start seeing God, His work in our lives, and all His promises coming to fruition. All we have to do is to keep going. Keep going, no matter what. Keep going, and get back up and keep going once we stumble. And right now, I know I have stumbled. But with the new me, I am choosing to get back up instead of having my shame get the best of me like the old me used to do. I am choosing to continue with my life with God than go back to the life I used to live without God. I am choosing God’s promises over my own comfort zone. And that may take time, or physical limitation may get in the way, or I may forget from time to time, but all I know is that I will keep on pushing even if I don’t feel like it.

I would like to end this post of mine with another couple of lines from the same Rick Warren article: Faith is being persistent. Faith is refusing to give up no matter how tired you are or how many other things you think you should or wish you could be doing.

[alexianne]

My first adulting rodeo maybe?

I have been a fresh graduate for a few months now — three and a half months to be exact. Maybe it’s not even considered “fresh” anymore since a new batch of graduates will be having their commencement exercise in a few weeks’ time. Although sue me if I still feel like I graduated just last week, what with all the things that happened to me in those three months that I didn’t really get to experience “the bum life” that all newly-graduates deserve. And yet… I feel like three months is already a long time to be resting and I feel like I should have already moved on to the next stage of my life: the adulting life.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’ve been taking things for granted. Sure, I had my baking class. Add to the mix my non-stop daughter duties, especially just recently when my dad was confined to a hospital for ear surgery and I had to also do some guardian duties. But when I had the time, which I rarely did, I applied to various companies through a couple of online job portals. And when I got invited for an assessment, I take a leave from my baking class or reschedule whatever it is that I have on that coinciding day.

And the prayers. All those nights that I knelt down, praying — no, begging — for Him to give me a job. All those tears that came with the prayers. And all I am asking was simple: a job that no matter how much the salary is, as long as it could cover the tithes, my savings, the entire bills, my daily expenses e.g. my food and transportation allowances, would be okay with me. And most importantly, a job wherein I’d get to be a salt and light to those I’d be working with, a job that would bring glory to Him.

And at first, it was amazing, like I said in one of my previous posts. And I know I said that all I would do was to be patient with His plans. But a lot has happened around and within me, that is making it hard for me to keep up my efforts of being patient.

My downward ride was that my heart got settled on this one company that I applied for. The recruiter got so transparent with me, disclosing every important thing and more which, to make the long story short, really really enticed me and made me hope that I get the job. I was hoping that this is already my God-given job. I have peace in my heart, and I couldn’t ask for anything else in terms of the work environment and the salary. So when I got the text message which was the harbinger of the murky days, I did not feel anything at first other than the blinding shock. I was so shocked that I was dumbfounded. I tried to feel something and be able to think of something, even to mentally acknowledge the disappointment that I know I should be feeling, but it was really nada.

Until the following day, or maybe it was the following week: I did not know because the change was really gradual. I first noticed that I was mentally whining about getting up. I felt like I have the right to, and should be staying in bed instead of doing anything. Next thing I noticed was the constant rapid heartbeat. The moment I noticed these physical signs was the only time that I realized the mental signs: that I apparently have started mentally beating myself up; I was attacking my own self-esteem for not being good enough.

As a Psychology graduate, and also as a Christian, I know that these thoughts should not have its own room in my mind. As a Psychology graduate, I know that the mental and physical “symptoms” I experienced may lead to something else. As a Christian, I know that just by fully embracing the sovereignty and the promises of God — especially the promise of Him having something great in store for each of us —I know that the God-given work I’ve prayed for and have been seeking will eventually come to me. That all it would take from me is my patience and perseverance. In consequence, I busied myself with my favorite past times: reading the Bible and watching tv shows. And praise God, they worked. I was back up in quite a short time, and I have enough courage to resume applying again.

And look where it got me: I finally have a work! It has a good salary, it’s just a ride away, despite it being project-based. Hey, I’m not complaining about it being contractual (my mom does though) because I might take the Psychometrician Board Exam this coming October so I will need the early out to review.

This stage in my life was truly like a rodeo ride for me. I had my high points and had one of the lowest points in my life. I feel like everything happened in their due timing, yet some happened too fast and some too slow. This point in my life may be confusing and dizzying, and maybe even tiring, but in the end, I went through all of it and ended up happy and victorious. Of course, the credit is not mine but His up high, for guiding me, comforting me, and helping me out when I felt lost. Also, if it really wasn’t for His promise of giving us great things - all in His time, I may already have given up a long time ago. This ride is definitely one for the books.

[alexianne]

Awesomeness on hindsight!

This week, our Church is having our start-of-the-year Prayer and Fasting Week. So normally, I have this one ultimate prayer that I prayed for – and kneeled down for – every single night of our Evening Watch. That prayer was for me to have “a job that, even though does not pay really well, as long as it would cover all my necessary expenses, would be fine with me”. And so towards the end of this week, I got an invitation for assessment for this really nice company, and I naturally accepted the invitation.

So what happened to me roughly was, I got far in the assessment process, got misled with my status in my application, and had my final interview with the manager, in that particular order. Yep, I’m not kidding. I can’t believe it really happened.

Here was how it exactly went: it was two-day processing. Like I said, I got far in the assessment process. I passed the initial interview, the exam, and the departmental interview, and at the end of the first day, this front person (the one assisting us in our application process) told us, and I quote, “Congratulations, you are now a part of *insert company name*’s HR Department! Tomorrow, you will be having your final interview to determine which department will you be assigned to whether under fashion or under food.” And the five (we were a group of seven at first) of us who were remaining were already rejoicing. Rejoicing to the point that some of us have told our parents that we were now employed.

Then came the following day, the day of our final interview. All of us talking and wondering about only one thing: which department will we get assigned to. So color us shocked when we were told that only two made it, and the rest failed the final stage of the assessment. How misleading, right? Anyways, so fast forward to later that day when I asked one of the two who passed if how was their job offer. And she said that it was fine, but she’s declining it due to another job offer from another company. And I know I broke the HR code for asking the salary offered by this company, but I did (hey, it’s not like I’m disclosing it here, right?), and I found it out. As much as I would like to say that I was totally cool with my reaction, cool was not part of my reaction because I was barely keeping myself from jumping in public. Side note: yes, I have computed my expenses already, and the salary being offered by that company fell short of my budget.

Point of this story is that I was reminded of how amazing and sovereign and omniscient our God is. I was reminded of how a loving father would want nothing but only the best for his children. And with a perfect father like our Abba Father, the God who is omnipotent, what could hinder Him from giving us the best? I admit, when I was still in that I-now-have-a-job bubble, I was already settling my heart and my mind in that new environment. But as a mere human being with a limited view of the world and with definitely no view of my actual future, knowing that I am depending on someone powerful and gracious like Him gives me confidence that I will definitely get nothing short of the best. And besides, I have asked, I have sought, and I have knocked. And I surely will not stop asking, seeking, and knocking. God did not say that in doing those, we will have the chance of finding and having. No, God said that it will surely, surely be given to and found for us. And I know that all I have to do is to be patient in His plans.