alexiswritingsblog

[alexiswritingsblog]

I think and i know

I think about my past in a mixed light, flickering

I know it helped shape who I am today

I think before I speak

I know it doesn't always help

I think creatively

I know I have passion

I think undecisively

I know I could improve be less divided

I think eventually things will be better

I know this to be true after the rain comes the rainbow

I think getting things doesn't matter to me

I know certain things help me grow and I deserve those things

I think holding you close would help

I know that's no longer a possibility for me since you're gone

I think I have control

I know I lack often

I think I'm Justified to feel how I feel

I know this to be true too

I think I'm kind to others

I know I can be better to myself

I think lamenting is ambivalent and it's impacts on myself

I know I must stay positive

I think my beliefs about myself matter

I may know nothing else, nothing less

I think no two people are the same

I know I don't want similar to what I've had in you

I think opposite thoughts change Behavior at times

I know negatives tend to outweigh positives

I think politely about others

I know some reciprocate even if they don't express it

I think of questions on a daily

I know not many answers

I think repetitively

I know my thoughts have strength in numbers

I think softly when my head hurts

I know I need breaks at times

I think I truly lost myself in taking care of you

I know I can be found now with you gone

I think in my own uniform way

I know all things will come together for my own good

I think why so many words

I know I know that expression is what I need

I think yesterday is gone

I may not know if tomorrow is Promised but I know I have today and a right to feel any which way

[alexiswritingsblog]

I have yet I want

I have a beautiful face

Yet I don't want to be seen

I have a perfect body for myself

But I don't want to believe it most of the time, not knowing why

I have external support

But I want more from myself

I have shelter

But I want others to experience it too

I have skills

But I want different ones

I have

Yet I still want

I have love

But I crave more

I have positivity at hand

Yet I want to destroy myself often

I have a name

But I want a worthwhile purpose

I have an attitude

But I want to see it in a better light than i do

I have a family

But I want more time dedicated to love, I want them to change for the better

I have the ability to make good choices for myself

But at times I want others to do it for me

I have internal encouragement

I want to throw in the air like confetti that spreads

I have you

But I never really want to support you at my own expense

I have opportunities

And I want to let go

I have life

And I want your death to mean something in my life

But not tear me apart

[alexiswritingsblog]

I do but I don't poem

I do practice gratitude

but I don't believe I deserve good things

I do see suffering in the world

but I don't accept blessings in my life fully

I do care about others

yet I don't have capabilities to help many

I do take care of myself

but I often don't know how

I do eat

but I don't eat well

I do think

but I don't always think positive

I do love

but I am unable to make some people see that

I do change my thoughts

but I don't feel confident in my abilities to fully recover

I do make art

but I don't know if it matters

I do go for walks

but I don't get everything I could out of nature

I do value deep relationships

but at times I don't open up

I do love myself but I don't always show myself kindness

I do play games

but I don't believe I have a crazy amount of toxicity

I do show up for my life

but I don't know how to cope at times

I do sabotage myself

but I don't deserve that

I do try to carry myself well

but I don't know how to stop judging myself

I do believe I'm strong

but I don't know how to break through in the most important ways

I do remember most things

but I don't necessarily want to

I do write but I don't have infinite content

I do carry around much weight on my shoulders

I don't tend to put it down on a daily

I do drink coffee

but I often don't have energy

I do share in groups

I don't let myself be fully seen however

I do sleep but I don't dream

I do daydream

but I have yet to see them come to fruition

I do believe I'm behind in life

I don't give myself enough credit or see my full potential

I do see my patterns, and I break my cycle of I don't to more of I do I can and I will

[alexiswritingsblog]

Why alienate?

Why beautificate?

 why cross boundaries? 

Why decide on anything? 

Why exclude certain aspects?

Why fumigate your mind?

Why grab Life by the rains? 

Why hold optimism? 

Why Inspire someone else? 

Why joke at all?

Why know so much? 

Why let go? 

Why meet new people? 

Why negotiate? 

Why open doors? 

Why pull them closed? 

Why question facts? 

Why resist help? 

Why season thinking? 

Why tune in to sound? 

Why undertake responsibility? 

Why is vulnerability important? 

Why wish for better? 

Why is yesterday not lost?

Why abstinate? 

Why believe? 

Why cremate ideas? 

Why dedicate to your dreams? 

Why exfoliate your face? 

Why feel deep? 

Why be greedy? 

Why be holistic? 

Why intercept ideas? 

Why justify wrongs? 

Why kneel down? 

Why lift up? 

Why make meaning of anything? 

Why nurture yourself? 

Why are obligations sometimes hard to keep?

Why push someone to their limits? 

Why do quests, questions fuel growth? 

Why remember, recall things? 

Why have you seen what you have seen?

Why talk when no one's listening? 

Why undergo challenges? 

Why veer to the side? 

Why want something different? 

Why yearn for tomorrow?

[alexiswritingsblog]

Blank pages

Suspense rises

Sedation felt

Time passing

Grateful attitude

Eloquent all the way through

Honorary experience

Elements present

Thoughts abound

Delightfulness shared

Dedication raw

Why write poems at all?

Lively variety

Yesterday fresh

Honesty reflected

Deep words

Sew seeds

See exactly what I need

Daily Reflection

Needing ears

Softly reciting

Glorious memories

Secrets confided

Determinedly finding meaning in everything

Guides in many varieties

[alexiswritingsblog]

That first poem in a notebook

the first blank of a new day

the first yawn

the first steps taken of the day

the first thing eaten

The first bus taken

the first time walking through those doors of the day

the first conversation

The first break

The first time hearing someone share their story

the first few hours of sobriety

the first questions of the day

firsts lead to seconds then thirds but their meaning can never be replaced

It is a new day a new time

and firsts lead to lasts

To repeat the next day

time smiles as it sees the progression

And I breathe in acceptance

that I have the choice to make my firsts meaningful

for that beautiful snowball rolling down the hill

[alexiswritingsblog]

Take

A chance

Roll the dice

Courage conquers all things

Even during the darkest nights

Peace, tranquility, love and joy

Comes from taking risks

Against all odds

The dice

Roll

Many options

Consequences seem minute

Change fuels the score

Greater things on the rise

A better pill to swallow

Than the one before

Chances come in

Clarity and

I

Continue

To roll

Dice in hand

Take me to my

Promise land that I see

Off in the distance

So glad I

Took that

Leap

For now

On my way

To a brighter future

Peace, tranquility, joy and harmony

Harmony, joy, tranquility, peace

Things I focus on

As I make

Tough decisions

Softly

[alexiswritingsblog]

ABC

A new dawn approaches,

Birds chirp lovely tunes.

Creativity promoted in the sunrise,

Daffodils in the sunlight make Me swoon.

Expecting nothing of the day,

Forming peace of mind through gratefulness.

Guess it's safe to say

Home Is in the spaciousness Of the clear skies above.

I see golden rays on the leaves of the trees,

Just like the color of your eyes.

Keeping you in my heart puts me at ease,

Like the warm summer breeze rising in its intensity.

Many times I wonder

Not how we came to be but how we stay the same over time,

Only I feel the need to Ponder

Protecting what's mine and how, To change your mind about leaving.

Quickly I dash to give you a hug

Resting my face in your neck

Surprisingly you backed Away and shrugged

That's when I felt the wreckage coming on

Unfortunately you said you still have to go

Very softly I nodded

What's done is done you said slowly

You'll find someone new your life is still relatively getting started

[alexiswritingsblog]

Another ABC poem for the Day

Ambition lives here,

Bravery over fear.

Courage when it matters most,

Delightfullness to boast.

External etiquette To see,

Faith in belief,

Graciousness concrete.

Hope abides near,

Inquires appear;

Maturity from the coast,

Nurturing the inside the most .

Optimistic I will be,

Properly I can read my mind to help rather than hurt.

Quitting as no option

Resistance gone,

Sweet melodies in motion

The time I've spent away very healthy for myself mentally.

Umbrellas no longer needed every day

Velcro is my heart to wonderful things for me

What will the next chapter of my life be like?

[alexiswritingsblog]

A

Able body

Bound certainly

Carrying Demons

Destitute emotionally

Enters fogginess

Forgetting grace

Getting help

Hides Inept

It's just

Justice keeps

Knowledge leaning

Lopsided mostly

Many never

Needed openness

Opposing purpose

Paralyzing questions

Que Reasoning

Repercussions simmer

Slanting tumble

Turn upside down

Under vaults

Very zestful

Breaking the boundaries

Of what we refer to

As our own understanding

[alexiswritingsblog]

ABC to me

Alexis,

Believe in yourself, and be

Confident that you can

Decide good things for yourself

Even if

Faith in yourself is hard to come by.

Growing pains

Happen

Inside us all

Just breathe

Kindness is key

Love yourself

More people care than you might think.

Nobody else is you

Offering others the gifts you do, in a manner that's

Perfectly your own.

Quests to

Reinforce who you decide to be

Seem like adventures worth the

Time and effort

Ultimately you tend to think too much once your thoughts are through,

Venturing into territories you don't need to

When all seems complicated, leaves your mind blank and too tired to speak

Your heart always reminds you its okay, if you really listen, and

Zen is one of the best response tools to have in your belt for however you may be feeling.

[alexiswritingsblog]

Word game

Alexis

Someone

Expects

Something

Greater

Regarding

Guessing

Games.

Should

Doing

Grand

Deeds

Seem

Minute

Especially

Yesterday?

Yelling

God

Do

Offer

Respite

Energy

Yet

Taken

Needs

Somewhat

To

Open

New

Ways

Somehow

When

Nobody

Yet

Tells

Something

Gracious

Saddening

Goes

Systems

Showing

Support.

Together

Reasons

Shine

Exponentially

Yearning

Goes

South

Having

God's

Saving

Gravity

Yes

Serves

Simple

Epiphanies

Solid

Deafening

Ground

Despite

Each

Heave

Each

Ho

Order

Remain

Nested

Dear

Rollercoaster

Retain

Notes

Similarly.

Yelling

Gets

Stressful.

Latch

Honestly

Yet

To

One

Escape

Entertain

Noone

Except

The

Everlasting

God

Destitute

Each

Hand

Demons

Saunter

Really

Needing

Guessing

Games

Surpasses

Slightness

Someone

Entering

Gradually

[alexiswritingsblog]

If all cigarettes were turned into pencils I wouldn't be able to smoke them would I

Unless I set the wood on fire

And inhaled that smoke but that's not the point

If all joints were carrots I couldn't smoke those either except in a smoker for meal also not the point

If vape pens were turned into markers, and I didn't sniff the fumes I wouldn't get high unless I drew something incredible and was riding the clouds high on accomplishment and pride

If all pills were crayons my mind could be pretty bright unless I used a dark one

It might sound self explanatory

But if all tobacco was coffee colored confetti pieces

If all weed was beyond expired oregano spice

If everything I've ever leaned on for security and comfort was not as it was nor something I could smoke

Or injest

If I leaned on art instead

If

I leaned

Not on my bed

Not on another

Not on my environment

Or material things

If I leaned on

Something else

What would that something be?

[alexiswritingsblog]

Time management.

Time, man

Both increasing and decreasing with age

Meant to be spent whichever way one desires

Time and the management of it

The Whines and the easy does its

The cheese in the feast

The offering that surpasses peace

Manage your time and you shall receive

You shall reap

In time, and man,

What age were we when we started to see

What our time was really meant for?

[alexiswritingsblog]

Word practice

Structure

Casing

Unity

Divided

Crack

Tap

Shout

Whisper

Cake

Soup

All what I perceive as opposites of each other first thing that comes to mind from random words generated on the internet

Murder

Death

Hover

Linger

Sin

Pain

Grounds

Fields

Trick

Deceit

All words similar that first come to mind with random words generator

Stretch

Body

Sound

Waterfalls

Fuel

Fire in the soul

Tendency

Hesitate

Attract

Positivity

Words of general association in mind same context

Spy

Plane

Request

Form

Report

Summary

Build

A bear

Credit

Card

Easy

Relative

Part of a purpose

Monstrous

Demons left unchecked

Problem

Weary

Driven

Creator

Solver

Masker

And

Twister

Groan

Grown

Rowing

Away

My train

Of thought

It was a writing

Excersize

My energy zapped

Falling asleep my train of thought

Is gone but it'll come back

[alexiswritingsblog]

Sensitive truths

Time and I sit down to hash it out

I've been brave

I've settled down with one man

Despite living together and having sex

What effects that has on my morale

I actually please myself more than with him

Yet we're both still faithful

I've quit watching gay porn for a while now

But my biggest accomplishment here is not thinking about anyone while pleasing myself

Honestly only focusing on the capacity of pleasure my body was made to feel

Vibrations feel incredible

And I'm a sensitive person

I squirm

I can tell right away if it'll work or not

I thought I knew what it was like when I reached my end and couldn't take anymore

Keeping it on the same setting

I pushed myself to see how long of a stretch of time i could really feel it

And when I did that it increased a lot

It felt so good

And lasts longer now

This part of time I'm pleased with

Feeling the waves ripple through me as I shake.

I lift my gaze from the floor where I was wringing my feet together

I stare at the clock

He nods and there's silence because there's more and uncertainty why I opened with that

But here we are

A time for winning for me with time itself

Those personal moments

But in almost every other part of my life

I feel I'm losing

Why Is that the clock asks

Why do you go so fast I ask back

I have no speed settings for all eternity I've gone at the same pace

How do you know

It's consistent because it's made to be

How come it doesn't seem like it

Have you ever been very busy at work for a long stretch of time and then forced due to injury or illness to step back A while. That time you worked felt fast like always your time off feels like it went fast when you're done and back at it but while you're off it feels very slow and drags on

Everything seems faster in routine it's the break of routine that changes perspective to make me slower

[alexiswritingsblog]

Therapy

Hey lets start after waking up i know it doesnt happen often but it felt so good to sleep 5 hours.

Get up ad stretch because im in pain?

No continue to lay down try to go back to sleep

I doubt i’ll be able to

But lying on my stomach with my shoulders up like i had them felt the best

Let me struggle with my sleep mask a bit

Should i turn that low music back on?

Ill set an alarm for 45 minutes

.

.

.

That went by fast ill put it on another half hour

And its group time

That means soon ill have to work

Its been raining all day i wont go on the trail today

4 hours

Went and seen what montana was doing he showed me a video twice of such a large spider

I cringed so much

The second time i went in i asked to hit his pen

When i noticed it almost gone was already making plans to go to astoria and thinking about having to pay rent even though i have 13 days until the last day it can be done

My elbows hurt leaning on them like this to type

This is generally supposed to be conversation with my self in my head to understand better

I cant believe that was only 1 lidocaine patch i thought there were multiple but my back is itchy

And i have a song stuck in my head let me be myself by 3 doors down

I'm going to skip to Voice to text.Even though I'm still in therapy. Time goes by way too fast im supposed to be done already and havent explained anything

As trying to see if voice to text would still work on the mic without unmuting me on therapy

They say who would like to share

Im still thinking what was the prompt