alexmia1 - Tumblr blog

[alexmia1]

what is it that stirs in the crevices and hangs on the edges?

A letter to a complicated spiritual community- I'll start with the edges. There is conflict. Natural, inevitable, and yet somehow unanticipated conflict. The ground must break for a seed to sprout. Sometimes a fire must sweep through an ecosystem so that it may evolve. I am drawn into and say yes to the discomfort of conflict because i believe in it as a part of nature and a catalyst for necessary change. And, I am tired. I fear for my body, and for the parts of me that express themselves with effervescence. I am confused about how to live in such an unjust world, where so many people are never allowed to put down the fight. I fear I have forgotten how to rest. Or I think rest is impossible. Sometimes it just looks like fighting for myself. It disturbs me what a struggle it is to be in front of other people. S.O.S. opened my eyes so much to how easy it is to behave from persona in community, repressing truer selves and responding to other people's woundedness in ongoing cycles of "comfortable" inauthenticity. And, I gained a sense of worth and pride in claiming more space for the more essential parts of me, as well as a desire to draw out the same in others. But here's the thing, people don't want that. People want to stay asleep, or don't know they are sleeping-and people especially don't like a noisy awake person singing loudly while rearranging the whole house when they are trying to stay asleep. I'm disturbed by how people can't work together, by how cycles of abuse and trauma create victims and perpetrators of us all and we're addicted to living through those roles over and over. It often feels like people don't want to heal, like we know how to be sick, we're good at it and it is the only thing that gives us any power in this world so we cling to it. We usually don't know what healing actually looks or feels like (because we've had so little of it, if any) so we grab onto the loudest prophets, or the ones that speak in familiar wounded languages and bliss out or punish ourselves or oscillate between the two. I say this because I feel it in myself and I see it in my communities. As I read this over, I feel self-conscious, I feel aware of a perspective I carry in this group exactly and the ways I hold shadow here. In the crevices there is hope. I feel this world about to burst something new into life, and I know I am a part of the midwife team. When I see the brevity of hope against the wrath of futility above, I see that I need balance. I long for more feelings of ease, and calm, and faith. I am aiming to follow some inner wisdom that has forced its way through to the surface and intend to apprentice to hiding. My partner and I just made the brave choice to forfeit our plane tickets and stay home for the 6 weeks we had planned to be traveling through Mexico. I intend to hide during that time. And to consider hiding. To play with hiding. To be in hiding. To have hiding be in me. Two poems came through me a few months apart that both had to do with hiding, so they have been my teachers, I've shared them below.

Enacted Time

Sunlight: the Source, inarguable

casts shadows which have the decency

to admit they are only ghosts

charading time and space

this rattling bus seat, this

chewed lip, this sagging ukulele

parade around some meaning

insisting solid existence

who cast them? Creating is

sacred, to create is always profane.

Anything claiming to enact time

will make you a fool

Trust the first blood of the Sun

those who reflect time only as

it is being whispered to them

by the divine

not its "keepers", not any of the

things you can touch with

those hands, Time doesn't tick for us

it gyrates with the Light and the Dark.

Different Places

If I am a hiding child at play

I take the same shape I knew

in Utero, I look for new secret

caves to sit in and feel my

quickening heart beat in echoed anticipation

while those on

the outside beckon for me

to emerge.

This paradoxical yearning is

the hider’s quiet secret:

“I want to stay hidden / I want to be seen”

If I am an adult who goes

by seeker, what does this

say of he gods? That they

are crouched under beds, behind

stumps entertained as we

look different places? That

their only struggle is an equal

desire to be kept secret and

to be found, in their own

vulnerable poses, blushing and

panting and aching for our remembering

that assures they exist?

[alexmia1]

Sitting in a bar watching “the game”

. . .on mute. . a commercial for a chain pizza place comes on. I can’t hear it obviously, but I interpret the visuals. A waiter comes to collect the drinks ordered by one of his tables. I’d already noticed him show off around me once, when i first arrived- “Hey Ken!” He called to the bartender. “I broke a new years resolution today, not to work out.”

Back at Dominoes on the screen- A hidden camera shows and labels “actual employees” hard at work, chopping ingredients that look far too fresh. A seemingly unmanageable line quickly accumulates and we are shown the people in it are all “hired actors.” We see the actual employees look amazed. A montage ensues: there is rapid preparation, fanning of one employee using their own two hands, a genuine expression of their hard work and exhaustion, and I think the ad is trying to tell me to celebrate how trustworthy and committed to my pizza experience these steadfast people of color and waifish white folks are.

Now the waiter,. as if I’d been listening to everything else he’d ever said, goes: “And, what about you? Are you on your way to work?” I am sipping and underwhelmed by the conversation opener, so i shake my head. “No? Just relaxing?” Nod. “I’m jealous-I’m gonna come sit next to you soon.” And I wonder . . . If I wasn’t wearing this slimming outfit//If my (deceivingly comfortable) sexy bra straps weren’t showing//If my hair wasn’t so long//If I wasn’t wearing mascara//If I weren’t alone//If I had actually said one single word. . .

Then I imagine into this whole scenario where he does come and sit next to me, batman tattoo and all, and i play the role of the interested “girl” and I laugh at his jokes and I don’t say much and I just listen really well, but don’t show quite how well I’m listening by doing any actual mirroring but just give him my full attention and pretend I don’t notice things. . . . Being hetero was so sad and easy.

The T.V. says its okay to trick human beings to prove how hard you’ll work for them.

[alexmia1]

TOO MUCH

(gonna start compiling material for a workshop on this phrase)

These days

I have to ease

into my feelings

when someone tells me

“you’re too much”

there is nothing i can do

to avoid believing them

for at least a little while

[alexmia1]

Femme

***there are more than two genders***

One who is distracted from their real power and demanded to justify their beauty.

One who has no choice but to feel at least a moment of bone-deep terror every time a stranger passes in the night.

It’s not as simple as, “He is the enemy” it’s the far more painful reality that we can have no brothers because there is absolutely no way to completely remove the oppressor from the masculine. I have been privileged enough to glimpse the softness and brokenness of only a couple of menfolk, allowing me to experience a brother moment. But the effort it took to create a safe enough container for both of us to hold that tiny/huge instant was unrepeatable, mostly accidental, and outside of our current cultural context entirely. That is, our world wants to keep us apart, one the inferior, the other one the rapist. It’s especially sick how one half of the world’s population rapes the other half and not (hardly) ever the other way around. Furthermore, that it’s worth it to be rapists, to keep all the power, it’s a small price to pay, complete control for monsterhood.

[alexmia1]

[Internal]ized

I’m not feeling super cozy about this language of “internalized” anything. Sexism, Classism, what-have-you. Lately, its been feeling still a bit blamey of the object experiencing it. Like, I’m aware of some questions about my own wounded femininity right now, but “internalized sexism” sounds like I knowingly took something that was outside of me, and brought it to inside of me. What actually happens is that, all day, everyday demeaning reactions to anything “feminine” are considered normal and the word itself is used as a pejorative. 

On that note: I’ve been really noticing lately how (at least in my community/context) the word queer seems to more often mean, female assigned masculine of center. Feminine people are automatically considered somehow less queer. I’m speaking for myself too, as a genderqueer individual who has been defensively leaning towards the M side of things in order to have my gender identity more visible. Recently, this has felt less authentic for me, and I’ve been bringing out this witchy F, that really likes to play outside in the fall time. I love everything about this one, deeply, secretly, even. . . but I grieve as I watch my genderqueer visibility just fade away. Furthermore, and even more edgy, I admit that I am, despite my extreme gayness, intimidated by sex with people i perceive as more feminine than myself. It sucks, because I’m super attracted to GGGIIIIRRRLLLSSS and I REALLY love pussy, but there’s something scary-like-I don’t trust their queerness, that they couldn’t possibly be in to me. UGH-WHY? Like, pretty femme people couldn’t possibly be attracted to my gender, whatever it is. . . 

I want this to stop. 

[alexmia1]

Run into a cave and break your ankle so that people have to come find you and they see you lying at the bottom of this beautiful cave and maybe there’s a waterfall and the light from the crystals makes you look really beautiful and they say “Are you okay?” and you say “I think so” and they say “oh my God have you been here alone this whole time with a broken ankle” and you say “it’s okay” and they say “you’re so brave” and you are brave and you look so beautiful surrounded by cave crystals and everyone stands over you and says “oh wow” and “you poor beautiful thing” and “I’m so sorry we let you run into the cave but I’m so glad we found you” and let them carry you home and promise to be your best friends forever and that everything’s their fault and also they named the cave after you and you’re prettier than all of your enemies and your enemies all died of jealousy while you were in the cave.

Mallory Ortberg, How To Respond To Criticism  (via coffeetooth)

[alexmia1]

gonna try to make a comeback (but not in an, “i’m disappointed in myself” kind of way)

I'm trying to undo any banishing of former selves. I acknowledge that I have succumbed  to the culturally enforced habit of thinking that every relationship goes “wrong” until finally finding the “right” one. How infuriating that the normative discourse is so strong that its inherent problems poison even those specifically trying to transform them. In fact, I've been noticing how many elements of queer sexuality and non monogamy are not actually divergent from hetero-or-homo-normativity. Instead, they are just a mirror image. In a world where binary-thinking is so expected, even the freaks tend to imagine themselves as being at the opposite end of some spectrum from the normies instead of successfully creating something new. So, I've heard myself say this every time I've fallen in love: “I have never really been in love until now.” So quick to dismiss the depth and importance of every relationship that isn't current. Thus, so unwilling to do the shadow work of reflecting into what wounded parts of me were met by the woundedness of the other. Too ashamed of being wounded. Too attached to forward motion, to progress, ultimately to conquering. Like, every time: “Ok, but I'm grown up now. I get it. I've done the work.” Instead of what is more human and true, I am forever becoming myself, as is everyone else. In relationship we have the opportunity to unravel the many layers of our sacred woundedness and become more whole. But-that takes consciousness. Throwing away everything up until now is lazy. [Even in this statement, I teeter on banishment of a former self. . . .ack!] Maybe a better word is that its hasty. I want to kiss my boo boos, not try to scrape them away.

I've started to try art-making. I'm in intro classes for painting and printmaking. A thing about learning a new skill is that, if I'm paying attention, I can learn about myself in a more general way. For example, I tend to over think the hell out of my approach to things. To plan myself into an anxious wreck. Then ultimately, in that hasty moment, I throw away any hard-won logic, rushing into, finally, the actual doing in a sloppy unmeasured way. I assume the results reflect this sense of being labored over but not meticulous or organized. It never ceases to amaze me how little I still know about myself in relationship to anything (or anyone) outside of me, or how much less I know about the inner muse beloved of my wild and precious Soul. I mean to express these things as observations, not judgements. I cherish my process, its out of my control, and I wish to integrate the pieces that fragment, not sweep them away.

[alexmia1]

Poly makes it possible to be a small-but-good thing in someone’s life, and vice versa, without having to put any more expectations on that particular relationship. It has enabled me to play more relationships by ear, to ‘see where things go’, without feeling under pressure to find the one ‘perfect’ mate. With a rather beautiful irony, that has also allowed me to meet and develop strong relationships with people who turned out to be much larger features in my life than I expected them to be, whom I would have automatically discounted if I had been looking for a monogamous partnership, simply because I didn’t believe we would turn out to be as compatible as we actually are.

Maxine’s Journal - Polyamory: Not just many lovers, but many KINDS of love.

(via

brutereason

)

[alexmia1]

okfineok.

Leftovers

[alexmia1]

I need this movie to show the in-laws!

Want to watch a polyamorous feature film? Then join me in making it! “Twice” is a movie about poly life, heartbreak, second chances and coming out of the closet. It’s gonna be amazing, so make sure you support it by becoming a backer on Kickstarter before March 17th. Go to www.twicethefilm.com now to get your name in its credits!

[alexmia1]

Cool Life

Monday night I had some post-break-up drinking and crying in public to do, and my support crew was: my husband, his recent ex (who is one of my best friends,) and her roommate who was part of the kissy party my current ex and I fell in love at.

[alexmia1]

Resources for Nonmonogamy

I interviewed 17 NM individuals and asked each of them for their favorite resources. We all agreed the unfortunate truth is, their just isn't enough out there. None the less, here is a list of what these folks have turned to when they needed support in their nonmonogamy.

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton

Basically the Holy Bible of Nonmonogamy. 

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino

Also, see the Online Opening Up Network

The following are support groups/continuing education/mental health professionals serving the Seattle Area:

Center for Sex Positive Culture

The Northwest Network, particularly their non-monogamous relationship skills class. 

The Seattle Polyamory Meetup Group

Relationship Anarchy, there is a group in Seattle, though I don't have a contact that I can post. If you are interested in finding them, contact me, I can track them down. In searching the web, I liked this person's words the best, and their blog, The Thinking Asexual, is otherwise quite informative. 

Megan White- Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker specializing in LGBTQ population as well as those with non-traditional relationship formations or sexual practices.

Seattle Men in Leather

Sexuality.org/Seattle- a whole list of other resources, some cross over, but there's some info on local Meetups and Munches here. 

Babeland! Seattle's friendliest sex positive toy store and community! A great place to stop in and talk about sexuality, their employees are always open, helpful, and full of knowledge and resources.

Here are some prolific and helpful blogs:

Seattle Poly Chick this person is a member of the Nerdy Science Poly Posse,(NSPP) a poly-support group in Seattle, an invitation from a member is required to attend a meetup. 

On Tumblr: The Daily Non-monogamist, Bipolyamorist, Fullmarriageequality, polyamorousplum

In Montana there is a Meet Up/Potluck group called Polytana. 

[alexmia1]

See more wedding photos below

[alexmia1]

And here is a list of every word that people used to identify their sexual and/or romantic partners:

Lover (boyfriend) I prefer lover* occasional lovers*long-distance occasional booty call*friends that aren’t strictly platonic*crushes*lover*life partner*dalliance *metamour*kinky-friend*paramour*sexual friend*poly-kissery/poly-smoochery* wife*dear new friend I sometimes get with*new crush*friend-couple I wanna get between*Boyfriend*partner*crush*friend*sex dream visitors* sweetie* booty call* husband*lovers*soul mates*friends with benefits*Guys that I fuck on the side* hookup*sex partners*Husband*Friend with benefits* Lovers* Daddy* Crushes*Sir*Fuck Buddies*Friends (who sometimes fool around)*play partners* Dates*Husband*long distance lover*Old friend/new crush*Trophy Wives* Honey ­ primary partner*Brothers/ Comrades*Friends With Benefits*BDSM ­ on going playmates*FuckBuddies*casual hookups* Hook­ups* ­internet dates*Long distance love*Cutie new crush boy date*Rad romancer femme date*potential hook-up*Long term mostly platonic life partner, spiritual sex partner*Booty calll buddies*Fiancee/girlfriend/primary*Seeing someone else on occasion – it doesn't have an assignation to me at this point, besides friend*Male partners who my girlfriend and are sometimes with together*Female partners my girlfriend and I are sometimes with together*husband*lover/friend*tantra partners*clients*sweetie*date*hookup*long distance lover*

. . . stay tuned for a rad list of resources!

[alexmia1]

Rad Quotes from Nonmonogamous People

The third draft of my research paper is due this week and at the very last minute I decided to do some firsthand research in the form of interviewing almost 20 nonmonogamous individuals. I was so moved by the gorgeous reflections that came from these folks, it makes it incredibly hard to get the idea of writing a book out of my head. In the meantime though, I want to publish and share some extraordinary words from some extraordinary folks.

I asked people to speak about the biggest benefits and deepest struggles of nonmonogamy, here are some things that were said: 

"For one, nonmonogamy allows me to experience so many varieties of intimacy, which in turn increases my empathy and expands my humanity and general sense of joy in life. It also demands openness of emotion, and asks me to be more present, project less, and think deeply about the needs of others and how everyone has a different and protean definition of consent. Also, I used to think about elements of sexuality in binaries, such as dominant/submissive, straight/gay, but being poly has demonstrated the fluidity of these elements, and the shades of experience that fluidity creates."

"My libido is variable and specific, and not bearing the entire responsibility of my partner’s sexual and emotional happiness is good for both of us."

" I love knowing about the ways my partner shows up in the world when I am not there, the places they inhabit outside of my influence and the things that fulfill them that I cannot give them. I feel like it helps me to see and respect them as a whole person, not just my partner or crush. In turn it also helps me to tend to all parts of myself in a more balanced way. Supporting each other’s individual autonomy and growth."

"i am finding that the more vulnerable i am the more loving and accepting I am to others"

"For me, it requires me to consider my relationships to other people -- and myself, and to other commitments in my life -- with a greater degree of mindfulness. It allows me to have a more nuanced understanding of community, family and independence/interdependence that is non-normative."

"We make magic when we play and putting that energy out into the world is so lovely. When I go out and have a lovely absolutely divine play experience with others I bring that divine energy home with me and share it with my partner, with my co workers, etc."

"Learning how to be calm with conflicted/conflicting emotions, learning how to not act out of pure reaction but instead out of care & concern & reason."

[alexmia1]

For those who don't know me, my name is Noreen! I am a queer disabled femme organizer, artist, healer, and visionary living in Texas. When I'm not painting my face and serving up looks, I'm spending my time engaging with self- and community- healing and building. I am co-founder of the Cicada...