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My First Dance with Ayahuasca- “Vine of the soul”- Trials & Tribulations

“Make the heart a chalice that holds the mind.” – Maestro Hamilton Souther

Hi, my name is Alex. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and have always held myself to the highest standard, but in reality my tough athletic exterior is a façade masking all of my insecurities, imperfections, deficiencies and deep flaws. I struggled with confidence and social anxiety all throughout my life up until my mid 20’s. I’ve always been a people pleaser, worrying about what other people thought about me, and doing my best to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. On the outside everything might look great, but on the inside I’ve been battling my own demons for years. This is why I chose to spend a week in the Amazon Rainforest of Peru working with Ayahuasca, and it ended up being probably one of the most enlightening, jaw-dropping, intense, and loving experiences that I’ve ever had. I learned so many valuable lessons that I’ve decided that I want to share my adventure with everyone. If you are curious about how profound my experience was and the lessons learned than continue reading. It is a little bit of a read, but I hope you enjoy! 

Recently, I had the honor to participate in a life-changing, ancient shamanic healing tradition that has existed, been practiced and passed down through tribal lineages and blood lines by the indigenous people of the Amazon Rainforest and other ancient wisdom traditions across the planet for thousands of years. Words can’t describe the week I had and the incredible people from all around the world that I was privileged to share the experience with. Led by 7th Generation Master Shaman, and one of the most powerful healers in Peru, Maestro Don Alberto Torres Davila, and Hamilton Souther, also Master Shaman and founder of Blue Morpho Tours, it was an incredible environment for deep cleansing, inner awakening, and a deep, transformative journey with the sacred Amazonian plant medicine ayahuasca. In order for change to happen, you need to facilitate an environment where insight can occur. Insight into how did we get here? You have to be able to look deep into your heart. The Blue Morpho Medicine World was that perfect sanctuary. They hold a sacred and safe place for you to go deep and discover and heal yourself. By looking inside, we begin to awaken.

In what follows, I am going to do my best to put an ineffable experience, and the lessons learned into words. So why am I deciding to share all of this? Because Ayahuasca was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Would I go back and do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! I’ll probably be back sometime next year. I still hear “the calling.” There is still so much truth to be discovered. Still so much to learn, and so much more work to be done. It was a truly magical experience, and Peru will always hold a special place in my heart. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my experience and plotting my return. It has shown me aspects of my higher self, and how to relate to others and the world with compassion, love and forgiveness.  I don’t know a single person who can’t benefit from this medicine. Thirty years of therapy in one night. These plant medicines provide a lens which you can view the world and other phenomena in a way that you’ve perhaps never looked at it before. It allows you to gain insights into how something works that normally wouldn’t come into the sphere of your attention. Who doesn’t stand to benefit from that?

We are born into these structures and we never think to question who put those structures in place. Who funded them? Whose philosophies are they? All of our information is given to us by someone or something else. We are programmed, trained and conditioned to look outside of ourselves, to external authorities, for everything and we are not even encouraged to go within and consult ourselves. Our society is phobic of the mind and terrified of the unconscious. These medicines teach you to go within yourself. They expand your consciousness. I believe that the medicine of the future is a growth in consciousness. Your higher consciousness empowers you to claim and be the architect of your life and destiny for the betterment of yourself and humanity. All of the answers to life’s biggest questions are not outside of us, they are deep within. Usually, deep introspection and meditative work is needed to access these depths. However, after having experienced it, I can truly say that respectful and experienced administration of plant medicines and ceremonies can be tools on the journey of self-awakening.

Life is a gift, and it offers us the opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Become the best possible version of yourself and give back because there is nothing more fulfilling, and no greater feeling than knowing that your words or actions helped influence another’s life for the better. You never know who your words and stories might touch. So many people can relate to my struggles because we are humans and we all have a story. Our natural human state is joyful, harmonious, and peaceful. However, for most people, deeply unconscious and long-suppressed fears, anger, and negative emotions drive our lives. True emotional healing always happens at the source and requires us to face our shadow and surrender to the healing process. This means entering the darkness willingly, in a state of naked vulnerability, in order to integrate then release its hold. I truly believe that Ayahuasca has the healing power to help anyone. She will open your heart, break down your walls and open your eyes to parts of yourself and life beyond the norm. She will change you in ways you never expected. These plants have the power to connect us to those parts of ourselves we have forgotten, ignored, or covered up. True healing puts into order the body, mind and spirit with the past, present, and the future. If we can each heal individually than we will see a dramatic change in society. We’re not in this alone. I really believe one of the best things we can do for our society is to realize we are all in this together.

How at ease we feel in our body, mind, and in the world, as well as how we behave toward others and the environment all revolve around how we view ourselves in the larger scheme of things. One of the most important lessons I learned was to not be afraid to be so vulnerable, embrace who I am and becoming, and to not take myself and life so seriously. This is me. It’s who I am, and other people’s judgement has no business with the things that feed my soul and make me, me. The world we live in, inundates us with far too many opinions about how we should be, look, and feel. This is part of what makes authentic self- expression so difficult. I’ve always been afraid to be myself and far too concerned with everyone else’s opinion. I’ve been doing my best to fit in and be friends with everyone for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be liked, and that left me worrying about who I needed to be for different people. I’ve let go of all that, and only seek relationships that add to my life. I choose to live authentically! Rather than trying to be all things to all people, I offer my most precious gift...the unapologetic Me! I’ve realized that what I need to be, and have always needed to be, is completely comfortable with who I am. It was one of the lessons I needed to learn and that I’ll need to continually work on. A courageous heart is one that is unafraid to open to the world.

I also know that by sharing this, I am leaving no option, but to make myself totally vulnerable and I’ll be forced to learn to not let other people’s opinions affect or hold influence over me. Vulnerability is the gateway to authenticity, and without being vulnerable we can’t truly be ourselves. Once we remove our masks and start talking about some of our demons they begin to lose power over us. No longer do I feel I need someone or depend on another person for my worth.  I am part of a community of people that fully love and support me.

I also want to hold myself accountable. If I hope to facilitate change, than I need to be that source of change. Who we are and what we do are influenced by the stories that we tell about ourselves. While we can’t always change the stories that others have about us, we can influence the stories we tell about ourselves. Everyone deserves to live the best possible life they can. If your story has been holding you back, flip the script. Rewrite the narrative for a brighter future. Use your story to empower yourself and create the life you deserve. Use your story to give others hope, which in turn reinforces your desire to live a life you love. After all, what could be greater than helping others? In the end, your story is one worth telling, and you should never forget that!

It is important to learn to forgive our own lapses. How often are you quick to forgive someone else's mistake, or even truly bad behavior, while continuing to beat yourself up for a mistake that you made? Building walls, it is easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, leaving yourself feeling isolated and alone.

“If you condemn yourself for who you were, and you carry that forward, you carry yourself forward in a prison.”- Paul Selig

 Learning to love ourselves is one of the toughest lessons we will ever face. We all have flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes we wish we could forget. We are insecure, and desperately wish we could change certain things. That's human nature. But the trick is to realize that everyone feels this way. No matter how beautiful, successful, or perfect someone might appear, he or she has their own insecurities and self-doubt. To really learn to love ourselves, we need to own and embrace our past mistakes, but also realize that they don't define our present or our future. Acknowledge yourself as a whole human being with flaws, imperfections and all. Apologize to anyone you feel you have significantly wronged, and then move on. The only worthy thing is love. It is the greatest gift in life. The most sacred bond we can have with other people. If we can remember to love, if we can remember to be openhearted people, we can engage in everything in our lives in a higher much more joyful way. 

So where do I begin? The whole experience in Peru was so incredible, transformative, and magical. It was the craziest adventure of my life. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. Literally nobody knew. I let go of what I knew and journeyed into the unfamiliar. It was such an incredible feeling. I felt so free, brave, and adventurous. To go somewhere by myself, in a country where I don’t know anyone or anything about and not tell anyone, left me feeling so adventurous and so alive. But, intuitively, I just felt like I was coming home. Thrill and excitement never stopped pulsating through my veins. Why would I keep it secret? It wasn’t because I felt like I had to, it was because something inside of me told me I needed to do this alone. I knew that one day I would share my experience. When I got back, I realized that would be sooner than later. Beforehand, I didn’t know what to think, but afterwards I didn’t care. I knew what I did was the right decision. Life is a continually evolving adventure, and I’m just along for the ride.

As far as the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I had five totally different experiences. Seven nights, five ceremonies, five totally different experiences. The first night was pretty mild, but it taught me a valuable lesson I’ve struggled to learn throughout my life. I’ve always chased the high. Always had the pedal to the metal. When the Ayahuasca didn’t hit me hard that first night, I was a little disappointed. I wanted results. I wanted immediate insights. I wanted answers, fast. But, I soon came to realize that it was helping me to develop a healthy relationship with the medicine, and it was teaching me to appreciate the moment and ease into the experience. I believe that night set the tone for the ones to follow, because every night after that I felt like I had developed a healthy, respectful relationship with the brew and we understood each other.  

The second night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life. I felt like I was in the movie avatar. Had some crazy beautiful visuals and visited all of these different dimensions and far off lands full of magnificent creatures. When my eyes were closed I was in a fantasy land, however, when I opened my eyes I was surrounded by layers and layers of different dimensions. Time also seemed to slow to a still. I could see movements as a delay, or lag. People moving around the room were followed by their trails. It was like watching Neo move in the Matrix in slow motion. I’ve chased adventure and travel my entire life. I’ve visited 75% of the United States and I’ve been to three other continents. I’m constantly plotting my next adventure. I’ve seen truly magnificent places around the world, but nothing could ever top what I saw and the feeling it gave me on that second night. That night I also had these little entities working on me, like little surgeons aligning my energies and trying to fix anything that was wrong in my body. The visual experience was very strange, but the effect was remarkably healing and I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. I remember waking up the following day feeling better than I have in years. In fact, I woke up every day after feeling like a champion.

The third night was insane. Quite possibly the most profound night of my life. I was flying through space, catapulted into a realm of pure love energy, exploring multitude dimensions of immense, profound beauty. I had separated the ego mind and merged with pure consciousness. I lost my sense of self, and entered what felt formless. Not a void, but pure quantum potentiality, a permanence of continuum. It was a state of pure knowing, without any of the projections of the ego. The same stuff that the mystics talk of. The Divine Light. Source Energy. The Holy Spirit. Buddha Nature. It was a state of complete ego dissolution and non-duality. The fundamental clear knowing and true seeing that there is no “I” or “mine” that the Buddha taught. I was one with everything. I saw Buddha, Jesus, and all of these mythical figures and they welcomed me and told me that I was one of them now. That night I experienced “enlightenment.” My brain was a quantum computer processing information at light speed. It was unfathomable the volume of information my mind was downloading. It had a level of consciousness that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. My mind actually felt like it was the entire universe. I wasn’t in the universe, I was the universe. Completely plugged into everything else. I had this feeling that I was one with everything, and that I wasn’t just in the mind of god, but I was a part of god. Everything just kept merging into one. I was so full of love and so open. I saw that the universe has no end and no beginning, and nothing truly dies. Once the medicine lifts the veil of the illusions of separation, mortality, duality and space-time, we see reality and ourselves as what we truly are – the one energy that is manifesting itself in an infinite number of ways. It is all real! I saw that we are consciousness having a human experience and we are all one!

Whether what I saw and experienced was real, or whether it was just in my imagination, there was this clear headed, intuitive, innate knowing that it was real, true and objective. Nothing but pure absolute conviction that I was experiencing the truth. It was as real and objective as me sitting here writing this. Regardless of whether or not a certain situation or experience is real in the three dimensions that we go about in our waking lives or whether it is in the dream world or whether you perceive it as a hallucination, the experience in and of itself is still real. The objective realities of the three dimensions are still illusory and imagined by our senses. We see 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum as visible light. That’s only 1% of the spectrum that we know. There can be infinite spectrums that we don’t know about. The way a bat perceives our world as opposed to how we perceive our world is radically different. As humans we are such a small part of this universe. We are a filter of information but we can only filter so much, so we aren’t privy to all of these different realms on a conscious level on a minute to minute basis.

We've all heard of the placebo effect. You get a sugar pill instead of the real medicine and it works solely because you believe it would. Your mind heals you because you trust the medicine. So if what I saw was real or just in my head, does it matter if my mind believes it real and is just creating that reality? If your mind believes in something strongly, it will do wonders to bring it to fruition. Today it seems that nearly everyone believes, and the latest science points toward the fact, that the way we think has an effect on our life, and that our thinking creates our reality. Neuroscience says your brain is organized to reflect everything you know in your life and is a record of your environment. So we think everything equal to what we know and keep creating more of the same. To truly change we need to think greater than our environment.

The fourth and fifth nights in ceremony were more about purging my body of unwanted toxins and negative energies. Ayahuasca cleansed a tremendous amount of dense energies that have accumulated in my system as well as brought up many fragmented aspects of my past that have been buried in my subconscious. Walking out of ceremony into the night sky on the last night was utterly amazing. The Milky Way was in full display and the sky was incredible. Bright stars littered the sky from horizon to horizon. It was mesmerizing. Never seen anything like it. I didn’t feel like I was looking out into the universe. I felt like I was standing there right in the middle of the universe.

I didn’t have any bad experiences. It was truly amazing and I met tons of cool people from around the world. I have friends in Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Vancouver, Ukraine and London now. On the first day we were all strangers, but by the last day we were family. We spent time being vulnerable with each other, shared delicious meals, and faced the deepest darkest parts of ourselves together. I was surrounded by such interesting, intelligent and compassionate people that made this whole experience so magical. I feel closer to my Blue Morpho family now than I have to nearly every other person in my life. These were warriors, people who had traveled half way across the world to a foreign country, embarking on a journey into the unknown, to face their fears and deepest wounds all so that they could become better versions of themselves. They were some of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Every single one of them was prepared for what lies ahead, because deep healing can be challenging. We were meant to be with this particular group of people, and we all came together to share such an incredible experience for a reason.

The experience was so mind altering. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt happier. It really did transform me to the core. I feel lighter, brighter, more vital, more compassionate, and so full of love and happiness, and more in touch with myself and the world around me. Ayahuasca tore down my emotional barriers and opened my heart, my mind, and my eyes. I felt plugged into something bigger than myself. She broke open the doors to higher consciousness.

“Ayahuasca is a holistic, existential, experiential medicine, shamanic brew and well-known natural entheogen that facilitates deep cleansing, and states of inner-awakening. It rids the body of physical impurities, heals deep-seated emotional and psychological issues by cleansing your subconscious mind, the body and the energetic system of negative energies, helps bring integration to deep-seated emotional problems, and guides us towards releasing limiting and fear-filled beliefs.”

“Whether you are looking for personal healing and cleansing, discovering an overall greater sense of purpose, presence and peace in your life, or for rejuvenation and perspective, spiritual growth, insight or meaning in life, profound change, or to expand your consciousness, or are on a path of self-discovery and awakening in search of direction, plant medicines can help facilitate your journey. Each person becomes their own guru receiving revelations from within themselves and higher transpersonal sources.”

Ayahuasca supports you in facing your darkest shadows, your most repressed traumas, and your most serious wounds. What if you could return to your childhood and relive your darkest experiences with your current strength and maturity? What if you could reconnect with your essence, the part of yourself you covered up in order to survive as a child because it was not approved of, validated, or loved by others. Following a path of inner work triggers the old trauma, loosens it, and brings it to the light to be released. We offer up all of what no longer serves us to be burned up. By bringing more consciousness to the emotional process we can actually gain new choices over our feelings and behavior. We can free our hearts and minds from the chains of past conditioning, and can actually learn how to cultivate the more satisfying states of mind. Until the underlying wound is healed, until the casual emotions are faced and integrated, the part of you which experienced trauma and found a way to cope with it continues to run the same program over and over, endlessly. They stay with us for life unless we delve deep to find their cause – a negative residual energy that manifested as an emotional blockage. A gaping hole remains, and you try to fill it with whatever is at hand while life feels like a prison. Since what you resist persists, at some point you must find the courage to dig deep. If not now, when? Ayahuasca allows you to unlock those implicit memories, like a key, and allows you to go back and reprocess them logically without emotion. The bravest people are the ones who have the courage to be able to face their demons, and the constant barrage and assaults of their own minds. They say that you never come to play with Ayahuasca, it’s always work. That’s because it’s not easy, it’s a challenging undertaking.

Ayahuasca allows access to dimensions that are usually inaccessible to the heavily conditioned human mind. There are no words to describe it. It's an expansion of heart, mind, and spirit. The usual frames of references holding our common daily understandings of reality in place become obliterated with an opening perceptibility to activity, phenomena, and information in frequency ranges outside of the five senses. It dissolves the illusory self and significantly increases your awareness of your own self-constructed boundaries, and guides you to release fear-filled and self-limiting beliefs. Things come up that people realize are in there but have not been able to confront or really bring to the forefront. They’ve relatively successfully suppressed it but it’s still wielding a negative influence in their life. There is a purification and bringing forward that of what has been suppressed in the subconscious. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life. This process initiates a long term healing journey that supports your overall liberation from the hypnosis of your condition. It shines a light into your shadow, and helps you to become aware of negative patterns. Unconscious deep emotional wounds and aspects of our mind that hinder us from living our lives to the fullest are integrated while new insights and perspectives about the self, world and universe are introduced all within the individual’s consciousness. You then need to become intimate with your fears, embrace your darkest shadows, and consciously guide yourself back to wholeness. The results are usually profound healing and significant life transformation

Miracles with ayahuasca come in all shapes and sizes; they can be insights, revelations, eradication of fears and addictions, relationship shifts, relocations, career changes and altered life courses. The common theme? If you do the work, you will get to release that which no longer serves you, tap into your power of choice, and write your own destiny.

This is why I felt a calling, and followed my heart, to go to Peru to work with Shamans. Ayahuasca has an uncanny ability to know when the time is right, and when the person is ready to sit with the medicine, she will call for them, and this is exactly what I experienced. I’ve known about it for probably over 5 years, and I’ve always been intrigued by it, but it wasn’t until about 3 months ago when I felt this undeniable calling too it. It needs to be an internal personal decision. I initially felt drawn to it because of claims from people who had kicked lifelong addictions seemingly overnight. For me, this calling was, in large part, because I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. Things that I was passion about and used to leave me feeling so happy were leaving me feeling unsatisfied. I could feel myself closing off to life, and I hated it. So, I knew it was right and I went there completely calm and without conviction. There was definitely a magical element about doing it at its place of origin, in the middle of the Amazon, under a Milky Way sky, while listening to the sounds of the rainforest. We were also allowed to participate in the harvest and brewing of the Ayahuasca that we drank. This gave us the opportunity to put our intentions into the brew and that added a very special element.

Key to preparation is a conscious formation of an intention, something you want to fix or insight you seek to gain. Ayahuasca will show you what you need to see or to let go of. These were my intentions:

1.      Transform my life and start living for something bigger

2.      Confront my conditioning. Break down all walls and barriers and be free from all limiting beliefs, negative thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.

3.      Deep personal healing & forgiveness of myself for all of my mistakes and the people I’ve wronged. Heal my life, identity and traumas.

4.      Gain insight into my life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What can I do to live a more fulfilling life? What can I do to flourish?

5.      Open my heart and feel love to all of life. Stop living so closed off. Reclaim the parts of me that have been cut off and abandoned. Restore the vitality, creativity, imagination, playfulness, and connection to my inner child.

My whole life I’ve been a very deep, self-aware, introspective, reflective individual. Constantly contemplating the universe and my existence. I’ve always been fascinated by the complexity of life and the immensity of the universe. Curious about what some of the brightest theoretical scientists & evolutionary biologists of the world thought on the universe and life, I delved into a period of my life where I read every book I could on evolution, the history of our planet, the universe, quantum physics, string theory, black holes, and the theory of everything. I learned about quarks, bosons, neutrinos, god particles, string theory, and multiverses. I wanted to understand the Big Picture. That question has always intrigued me. Why am I here? Why are humans here? What is my part in this? What is the meaning of all this? Little did I know that in Peru, I would get a glimpse of all of this. In addition to contemplating the universe outside, I started reading a lot into Buddhist psychology because I knew there was a way into the universe by going within. Scientists investigate life by looking outside of themselves, while Buddhist meditators look inward. In either direction reality displays roughly the same qualities. Scientists and meditators give similar accounts of everything from brain functions to subatomic realities. As inside, so outside. The big difference is that by seeing these truths inside ourselves, the information becomes personal. 

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

This quote by John Lennon has always resonated with me. It’s the reoccurring theme of my life. We only get one crack at this, and I’ve always promised myself that I would never settle for anything but the best in life. Too often I see people working a 9-5, and every day is the same old boring routine, just going through the same routine motions, just living for the weekend. I promised myself I would never be that person. Success without fulfillment would be the ultimate failure. Life isn’t meant to be repetitive, boring and monotonous. There would be life, love and adventure in everything I do. Being optimally well is not just the mere absence of illness, it’s about thriving and continually striving to live a life that is full, meaningful, zestful and exuberant.

The biggest reasons why I wanted to go to Peru was because of the baggage I’ve been holding onto due to the ignorance and delusion that plagued my early/mid-20s, but also so that I could gain some insight, possibly find some answers to life’s biggest questions, and start living a more fulfilling, meaningful and purposeful existence.

In my early 20s I went through a period of mild depression. I had just graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering; a degree I wasn’t sure I ever really wanted. I felt so lost. I wanted to live a life full of purpose, and meaning. I wanted to help people, and find a way I could contribute to society, and know that one day when I leave this planet I will have left it for the better. This couldn’t be it. I’ve always known that the secret to living is giving. The world doesn’t need any more building engineers. On top of that, I was unhappy living in NY. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself slipping into that life and person I promised I would never be, so naturally I turned to alcohol as a clutch. I always knew and had profound sense that there was more to life. I think it’s safe to say that I failed myself in this period of life. The failure hurt, but it was a wonderful teacher. The most difficult experiences tend to be the most valuable experiences. That’s where the opportunity to learn really opens up

I feel like I’ve been holding onto a lot of guilt over these years of destructive behavior and abusing alcohol. I know that I was young and immature, and had been acting out of delusion & ignorance, but even so I’ve nonstop been mentally punishing myself for years. I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. I was back in the prison of my mind, but I could see that the door was locked from the inside this whole time. In my late teens and early 20s, I was always shy and just wanted to be like everyone else and feel accepted. Feeling like an outsider, I internalized this as though something was wrong with me and so whenever I’d go into social situations there was always this story in the back of my mind that I’m not good looking enough, I’m not funny enough, or I’m not social enough. Alcohol gave me a way out. It gave me that liquid courage! I had found a new sense of confidence and could talk to anyone! It was a false personality, a mask worn to cover and protect my true inner self from a world that is callous and hurtful. But I realize now, that I’ve never wanted to be like those people and the person I was. I hated the person I was becoming. I compromised myself and my values to gain approval and validation. The core problem for me was a lack in self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth. As small children, we are open and free, sharing all of ourselves with others. As we grow and mature, however, we learn that the world can be a very painful place, so we avoid or try to minimize the risk of being hurt again. Out of fear of rejection or abandonment we learn to protect ourselves. We build walls around our hearts, and even worse, we begin to believe and internalize negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. As we search for answers to life's hurts, we often begin to believe that we were responsible for them. The best way to minimize the potential damage is not to build walls. To combat the fear of vulnerability, we must first learn to love and accept our whole, authentic self.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to accept my true self. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem, and genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is the transformed relationship with fear. What is there ever to fear? Life is in a constant state of flux. Every moment is impermanent and changing. The only thing promised is that we will all one day leave this body. It’s unavoidable, so why not do the things that scare you? What do you have to lose?

Even though I don’t drink often anymore, I’ve still been punishing myself and I feel like I’ve had thoughts of unworthiness and had become closed off to a lot of life. Adventure, travel, and things that used to bring me joy were just leaving me feeling unsatisfied. In relationships, I’d pull back because I felt like I didn’t deserve this. I know I have such a good heart and I wanted to open it to feel compassion, love and forgiveness for myself so that I could love life again. Some people would just brush it off, and say “don’t worry about it, that’s how kids your age are supposed to act.” But it’s never been that easy. I did a lot of dumb things, ruined relationships and friendships, and I’ve been holding onto a lot of these mistakes since my early 20s. Not only was I abusing alcohol, but I was lying and hiding it from the people I loved and cared about. I put my family through too much, left my mom constantly worrying about me, and I mistreated and hurt too many people along the way. I’ve been craving my own forgiveness for years. It is only by facing, taking ownership, and reclaiming those unintegrated parts of the self that have manifested as fear, and negative patterns that we may get to the root cause of our suffering and truly heal.

I was able to see all of that in ceremony. It has been my own self-defeating behaviors, and limiting self-beliefs that have kept me trapped. You can search the whole universe and not find any being more worthy of your love & happiness than yourself! It unearthed traumas that were deeply buried in the subconscious of my mind. It was a lot of unflattering stuff. Ways that I’ve hurt people and been dishonest in my life, mistakes I’ve made, ways that I haven’t lived up to my potential and failed myself or failed others. I saw the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself & others, betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger and confusion, and the sorrow I’ve carried from this. Ayahuasca allows you to see and perceive things you can’t ordinarily, in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and it also allows you to see things from other perspectives, through the eyes of other people. It will also often show you what it’s like speaking and interacting with you from the other side. It allows you to relive the experience, but from a somewhat detached third person perspective. Almost as an observer, observing yourself in a life situation and seeing the past in a way that you’ve never seen it before. I was able to see the impact that I’ve had on others, and that impact wasn’t always positive. It allowed me to see that from another person’s point of view. I suddenly realized the pain my negligence was causing others.

I was able to go all the way back in time and see when it all started, where it all went wrong and why. I was able to activate repressed memories in ways that allowed me to come to a new understanding of my past. I was able to reconnect with parts of myself that I have felt shame or guilt around. I replayed my life slowly and meticulously and was able to go through different periods and explore the instinctual qualities of myself and see how those behaviors became conditioned in my brain. I saw the mechanics of how my personal story got created, and when and how I developed an abusive, unhealthy relationship with alcohol and why it continued to perpetuate. Allowing difficult feelings and emotions to surface, accepting them, integrating them and then releasing them was an indispensable part of the healing process. By bringing it to my awareness and seeing it and understanding how it all happened, I was able to come to terms with it, forgive myself, and to let it all go. I was able to see all of the people I’ve hurt, and to ask them for their forgiveness. Most importantly, I was finally able to see how deluded & ignorant I’ve been and to forgive myself. I’m alive. I survived all of it.

“The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; The day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; And the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” –Alden Nowlan

I applied loving kindness to the younger Alex, the older versions of Alex who had these behaviors that I had grown to hate and resent, and actually thank them for the role they played. Ayahuasca showed me both the ways I’ve closed off from myself, and that I no longer need to because the love is still there, it’s always been there. I realize now that all of my “problems” were a gift. Without problems we would not grow. All of my past failures and frustrations have laid the foundation for the understandings that will create a new, higher level of living I intend to enjoy.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination...until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” -Iyanla Van Zant

I honestly feel lighter since I’ve been back and my heart feels open again and I finally feel free from my past mistakes. I am learning to love myself and feel a sense of worth for simply being a human. Ayahuasca really did open me up and I’ve felt so full of love & happiness, and I’ve been calm, more relaxed, and at peace. I have been able to engage with the world in a way that comes from a heart centered perspective. I have gained such a deep trust in life and the journey. Especially after the last night when I just laid down by myself and stared at the stars for hours and asked the universe to start living for something bigger. I was talking to the universe and the universe was talking back, I could feel it. In that moment, I knew my dreams were already answered. As I stood there, staring off into the universe, sharing the air with those who lived in the past, I knew that I was standing there with my ancestors, sharing the same incredible views and feelings of amazement that they witnessed thousands of years ago. I’ve never felt closer and more alive. I saw 7 shooting stars and I could see the Milky Way. I was in total awe. I’ve never seen the nighttime sky like that. The whole experience was just so profound, and looking out into the universe made me realize how insignificant my problems and mistakes really are and how stupid it is for me to let them continue to haunt and hold power over me. It seems that my early/mid 20s was about losing myself, so that my early 30s I could come home to my true self.

“The person who hasn’t conquered, withstood and overcome continues to feel doubtful that he ever could.” – Abraham Maslow 

I remember sitting in ceremony repeating to myself over and over again, how can I ever go back to reality as it’s been? There was no possible way. I had seen and experienced way too much. I also remember sitting there and feeling deep within that we, as a collective, had just raised the level of consciousness of the entire planet. Twenty three people in ceremony, in the middle of the Amazon, had a global ripple effect. I knew from that moment that my life was forever transformed. There is no going back after experiencing yourself as the eternal light of all there is. How can you hold grudges or attempt to harm another knowing they are your own? How can you not care for mother earth given she is our beautiful creation? How will you now look at the challenges in your life after having experienced yourself as formless and timeless Source Energy that has neither beginning nor end?

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible god and slaughters a visible nature, without realizing that this nature he slaughters is the invisible god he worships.” – Herbert Reeves 

It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Going to Peru was my 30th birthday present to myself. It was a deeply spiritual experience for me and something I needed to do for my own personal healing. I wanted to shed everything that has been holding me back, so that I could forge forward and carve out a new future, and start off 31 as the best year of my life and a beautiful new beginning. A deep spiritual experience is only possible when we put our ego aside. It’s about merging with something larger than you and it’s your ego that stands in the way. If we can subdue it, amazing things happen and we realize that we are part of a larger collective. When we don’t feel a part of some grander design we are forced to carry all of the meaning of life on our own shoulders. 

I have no doubt that in the coming months, as I continue to integrate, I’ll come to new insights and have amazing things to report. Just being in the middle of the Amazon rainforest completely disconnected from society was so liberating and incredible. Set and setting was everything. It can definitely be work, but it’s the price to pay if it means finding your passion and purpose and start living a fulfilling life free from past baggage. If we don’t set a baseline standard for what we accept in life, we will find it easy to slip into a quality of life and behaviors that are far below what we deserve. We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish. Who we become, and what we contribute is what gives meaning to our lives.

There is no greater force for the good than a healthy, energized, awakened individual with a clear mission. The strongest purpose in life is to be of service to those you love. We need to realize that the power to cultivate change is in our hands. Open the mind, and expand it. Plug into something bigger than yourself and raise your consciousness. When we look up, we are all under the same sky and when we look within, the same light shines. 

We are not separate from nature, or even each other. Every one of our decisions and actions affects all of these realms. Realizing that we are an integral part of this vast and complex web of life, and that the health of the whole is intimately connected with the health of the individual, it is critical that the global shift in consciousness assumes this perspective, and that starts with each of us.

How many lives will you touch while you have the privilege to walk this planet? What impact will your life have on the generations that follow you? What legacy will you leave behind after you have taken your last breath? What would you be doing if you could do anything in the world and there was nothing in the way, no obstacles? How can I live today in order to create the tomorrow I’m committed to? Consciously choose each step, aiming for the direction which calls you closer to your highest aspirations. 

As the great Albert Einstein once said, “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” What will you chose? I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. Join the ranks of the people who live what they teach, and who walk their talk. There is no greatness without a passion to be great. 

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins