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alexyukine-blog · 7 years ago

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I’m forever typing messages that I’ll never send, writing things I should’ve said back then when I was drowning looking for a hand to hold. By the end of this you’ll know something was up and more specifically how skeptical things went. I thought for a minute that maybe I should’ve let it go, but I didn’t, I wrote this letter and poured my heart out opening about personal things I hadn’t had the courage to admit to anyone: how hard life was getting, how lonely I felt... Then I said maybe it’s time for both of us to move on, if there’s nothing left to say after all. As a matter of fact, I was hoping once you read the letter you’d get it, you’d realize how much I needed those silly things you were stealing from me, but it wasn’t even worth a reaction, I assume.

You know more than anyone that being alone has nothing to do with those who say that we’re usually suck, but the real reason is that we give people more value than what they really deserve, and despite everything I gave it to you because you deserved it even when I knew that it might fires me back. However, we may keep several secrets; late night tears, some of our insecurities and that loud chaos inside from those who we care about the most in attempt to feel NORMAL, and to tell them that we’re fighting tooth and nail out there having their backs. It’s not about appearances, it’s because we care, believe me when I say: all I learned from the numbered days we had is no matter how complicated the situation could be, we could get over it, not because it was easy for us, no, it’s simply because of the sacrifices we make. Speaking of the devil; can you at least tell me how it feels like when the only thing you get in return is having the heart shattered? Or I should draw you a picture! Yeah, of course you have no idea how sweet and painful is to be truly in LOVE, you can't just quit all of sudden like you did. You made me feel overwhelmed, not to mention that you let everyone think that I was the one in charge here, but as far as I’m concerned everything was entirely based on a claim you made. Well, just for the record: I hate to admit that I won’t be able to get more than a sentence into this without disappearing in a puddle of tears, and no matter what I say; it terrifies the shit out of me to the point where I can barely function just to think about waking up the next morning and finding that there’s nobody there. Yes, it’s truly convenient for me to confess that I may not be good in keeping people I love, but I still need love because I’m just a broken human being hopelessly trying to convince himself by making some bullshit excuses in order to keep running what we promised to do when we first met… Listen, somewhere along the way I forgot how precious is living the life I always dreamed of until I saw you, in that very moment I realized that there’s something more important which is sharing its bittersweet moments with you. But now I know this never work, and what’s really going to work is to get the vow we made translated from bullshit to English so I can at least make a progress in my shitty-ass life. Moreover, It’s hard for me to believe that you gave up our dreams for some alleged reasons; I mean our story wasn’t like any other love stories; it was epic and most important it expresses what cannot be put into words…. look at us now! Turns out the only thing that’s epic about it can easily be put into words: NOTHING and what kills me the most is that I have no idea what was your purpose, on what ground you did this… I think you understand you messed up, but please don’t you dare to mention LOVE to me ever again, love was the last thing that you gave to me, and don’t you even think to lie… there are no words which you could ever say to erase the hurt you set my way. GOD! For you I always had an admiration… We lost touch sometimes, but you never left my imagination you’re still carved in my memory like you’ll always be, and now I need to put together beyond the shadow of doubt all this crap and make sure if I’m able to numb the flow of an infinite thoughts inside my head in exchange of my own peace of mind. What I couldn’t sedate is that in the first year after this mess came out: I was still able to remember when I started to think about it every day, I relived it a dozen of times and it doesn’t matter what I’m supposed to do, I couldn’t get it out of my head. People told me it’s GOD’s will, maybe they’re right, but it doesn’t stop me from waning to punch them in the face every time they say it. Time passes, two, three years…Huh, I even started to feel normal, and maybe I started to believe that this thing won’t actually scar me for the rest of my life, but then one day, I heard that slow song we used to hear late at night, and it touched me at nerve. All I wanted to say is that you didn’t have to do what you did, I mean, I wanted what we used to be, and I have been more than a friend to you, I just want to know why? . If it is about the thing you’re so scared for people to know about you, well it doesn’t matter to me, okay? It doesn’t freaking matter, and I’m sorry if you’re scared, but I’m not your shield anymore, okay? You don’t get to hide behind me, you don’t get to mess with my life because you don’t like who you are. Yes, you should’ve known and without any doubt that I loved you for who you really are and it wasn’t a GOD DAMN joke. Maybe it’s time for you now to imagine how it feels like to be left in the middle of a cross roads and experience it in your own. Let me guess, you’re feeling paranoid? Or like you’re on the edge? Yes, I’m aware of that, I’ll tell you what: it mostly feels like you’ve stopped living life, and you’re just waiting. And the trouble is that you have no idea what you’re exactly waiting for! Relax, darling, you don’t have to be frightened of what things might be because there’s no way on GOD’s green earth you can do something to fill the holes that you burned in me.

Formerly, we used to put in motion things we both agree to do, and it doesn’t cross my mind for one second to do otherwise, because for a while I thought we were that kind of friends you wish you had, until I found out that you’re suddenly doing the complete twisting of it for some misguided hearsays. I thought for a long time that I don’t have to look somewhere else, because you were the only one I’d love to spend the rest of life with, I never knew if it was possible for me to encounter such an issue and get out of it in on piece, and fortunately, thank GOD I do now. And the only reason was YOU, maybe I realized that there are plenty of other things I have to focus on instead, which reminds me of the million times I took the wheel when things went to shit… Look what you gave me in return, I mean wow, seriously!! Besides, I always considered having such arguments as a better way to understand each other even it’s not what I really wanted, but apparently it gave our fake relationship nothing but reckless breakups and unjustified endings, well, can you look at me in the eye and tell me that I’m wrong? Telling me honestly that you took it as an advantage to bury this once for all? I also bet you wish that you had kept me and now I know deep inside that you have no intent to make it work again, unless I take the first step forward because you already knew that I’d rather take bullet than seeing you getting hurt…… Funny, isn’t it? being that much opened to somebody? The way you manipulated my feelings like you had an authorization to. Apart from this and in addition, I’d like to discuss something else…Umm! maybe the theory we used to argue about all the time, the one that says: people learn by observing the behavior of those around them, and one person’s opinion can influence the rest of the partners or it’s better to highlight additional reason that I should’ve mentioned in the first place which is: this theory can also be applied if someone’s friend or family participate in deviant acts. That person is far more likely to do the same in attempt to make them taste their own damn medicine in return, seems like it wasn’t any hypothetical person… it was you… is that exactly what your friends did to you, didn’t they? Or it was just a strict coincidental that you played with the rules of this theory. Like I said, this one’s on you… It’s so depressing to have people judging you, and it helps to have a friend who doesn’t judge you. I mean we were in this together, weren’t we? Whatever you been through, you shouldn’t have done it alone. I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I’m taking back all what I said back then. Look, here’s the thing: remember when I mentioned-having an admiration for you- thing? At that moment everything was perfect, and for the first time in a long time I could imagine a future where I was happy, how good life could be, and I know you felt it too. I just wanted you to do everything you were doing so it was oblivious for me how could you manage to convince yourself to take your mind off of all this when you had such an opportunity to make it right again. Never mind you’ve just shown me some of your true colors telling me how coward you were, how cold hearted you can be even if you didn’t explicitly say it but your actions did, it’s kind of soul-crushing, you know? Because apparently, you don’t have any sort of desire for us to be in the same page after all, but yeah, I got it. You knew I was ready to give up everything for the second time just to let you know that I’m still around, and if you think I never loved right here I’ll be starting all over again, right? . Genuinely, I’m ashamed to the point that I can’t even admit it even to myself because I really needed someone to simply be there, not to say anything or fix anything, but to let me know that he’s by my side, and he cares. Even if that person will miraculously be you, you’ll be way too late. One thing, I thought maybe if only one thing had gone differently somewhere along the line none of this would’ve happened, but I-uh… maybe I was meant to live to regret these consequences, or maybe it was a message from above teaching me not to trust the likes of you.

Now nothing left unsaid, I guess… I just wanted to tell you that I’m about to remind you in a decent way of something which I bet you been looking for it in that SOMEONE you’re hanging with recently, or maybe it’s better to get it on your own when you’re done reading this. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for having you in my life back then; I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave a forever within numbered days that I will never forget, and, GOD, I am grateful I had you on my BLESSINGS list I count every morning I woke up, WHEN WE USED TO BE SOULMATES……..☹

THE END

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