alfimumu - Tumblr blog

[alfimumu]

Do you ever get a burst of inspiration it makes you wanna cry? Like, finally, you are feeling something. Finally, you feel excited again. You feel like you are once again in your element but in a much much better position.

I have to say I've been feeling much better lately about my life. I mean, the relevant things that I give a fuck about, they're still there, for some reason, I feel like I am high on something and there's this sense of calm when I remember them as opposed to constantly feeling overwhelmed.

My theme for the past weeks now has been. "i live in new york fuckin city!" and it's not so much about romanticizing this place any more. It's like reality has finally set in and I am just realizing how fuckin blessed I am to live in this incredible city and I mean this in it's most basic form. Incredible.

I am currently reading this book by Olivia Laing called "The Lonely City" and although I am a bad reader (my mind just wanders whenever I try to read and stay focused) and the author loves using fancy words like arbitrary, I am enjoying it and all its challenges for me. In the book, she mentions the name of the artist, Stanley Stellar. She in fact mentioned several artists for for some reason that day, I looked up Stellar's works (he is a photographer) on Google.

This is one of his photos and one that made such an impact on me. Tumblr won't let me upload the image here. ugh

I couldn't really pinpoint as to why. Perhaps it's because I like how daring it is. Could also be because of that Keith Haring graffiti moment (i am not actually sure if that's his but it looks like it.) Maybe I just like the composition. The colors maybe? The two guys getting it in the background? I am not sure. All I know is this photo spoke to me. Enough that it made me want to start taking photographs again and reach out to the artist himself via Instagram. I know! Insane! And he actually responded very quickly. I asked him if he took this photo since at that time, I was having a hard time verifying. He said yes, he took it. Our interaction was short and sweet. He liked two of my photos on Instagram. I also only have 2 photos total on there LOL

But yeah, for the past few days, I have been going out there, doing street photography. As per usual, I don't know what about this genre of photography that appeals to me. I dunno. I just find it so cool. And as much as I get really nervous when I am out there taking photos, I couldn't quite stop. I have been watching a bunch of Youtube videos trying to learn as much as I can about my camera and photography in general.

Here are some of my favorite photos I've taken yesterday.

I like that doing street photography forces me to go out of my apartment and it gives me a sense of purpose. I found this video today showing the manual process of developing, printing, and editing film photography. I find this so cool.

Anyway, we are so close to New Year. I don't have anything planned. I didn't really do anything during Christmas. I was on call but I was never used and I haven't worked a trip for over a week now.

It's starting to get real cold here in New York. I get really down and depressed during the winter. I know this know having experienced it the first time last year and I'd like to think I am more self-aware now. I know my triggers and that's a good thing.

I want to go to Williamsburg today while it's still bright out.

Catch you on the flip side. Bye!

Jan

[alfimumu]

Everyone seems to have all their Sh** together

Like, am I right?

I go on Instagram and it looks like everyone and their mom, got everything figured out while living their day to day lives with so much grace like the swan in swan lake or something.

I don't think I am jealous. I don't think that's it. I've never really been jealous. Is it jealous or envious - when you feel bad when someone else has something you wish you have. Not sure. But yeah, I don't usually get like that. Very rarely. BUT. when I seen others on these social media platforms, I can't help but wonder, based on what they post on their stories or their profiles, how in the hell they're managing it? By "it" I mean life in general. How come they aren't spiraling down like I am?

Is it really just a matter of curating you put out there? Having a theme perhaps? Making sure you only post stuff you want other people to see?

How come no one really posts their shit life? Really. Like how come nobody posts the "real" shit and I mean, not in a self-incriminating way or in a sort of artistic or cryptic way. Like just simply allowing yourself to be naked and be seen by others.

We seem to only post happy shit. Why?

Is it an illusion?

Do we like lying to ourselves and to others that much?

I don't know the point of this post anymore to be honest so let me just ramble on.

Not too long ago, three of the major social media platforms, Facebook, Instagram, and Whatsapp shut down and honestly, I kinda liked it. It felt like you're driving a car real fast and all of a sudden, you come to a halt. And there's silence. For a moment, it felt like all everyone's stories, everyone's photos, everyone's posts no longer matter. It makes you wonder what it is about them that made a lot of us feel so attached to our online personas and status. It's so interesting. I even welcomed the idea of a social media platform shutdown every now and then. Twice a year for a week won't be so bad. I really liked it.

I don't think social media is a problem at all. I fuckin love it.

I just think we create our own problems no matter what.

Yeah.

Btw, Adele's new album just came out. Imma go listen to it rn.

Ciao!

[alfimumu]

One of the Lowest

Today must be one of my most lowest days, like, ever. I feel like shit. No, for real. I feel like utter shit.

Why am I so fucking lazy? Why am I so undisciplined?

I feel like my habits of laziness and being unproductive is ruining everything in my life.

I was supposed to go to work today. I had a 2 day trip. My badge is expiring tomorrow (another fault of mine cuz i should've picked up my badge at the crew room way earlier but as everybody know, i am the king of procrastination, so i had to wait until i only have 1 day left) so i decided to get ready early to give me more time for commute. I had to get my badge today otherwise I won't be able to get inside the airport the next day and that will be a very stressful situation to be in, in the middle of a trip. I planned on heading over to JFK first to get that taken cared of and then head to LGA after where my trip leaves out of. I thought I was giving myself 3 hours commute time until I checked my schedule again as I was getting dressed, it turns out I only have less than 50 minutes left. The whole time, I was looking at the wrong sequence number. I thought my check in time was 16:15 and it turns out, it's really 14:00 or 2 pm!

I was so frustrated.

On top of that, my company is offering 300% pay if we have no absences from Nov 15th through Jan 2 so now, I am completely disqualified for that.

And it doesn't end there. I had to call in sick because I was just feeling so much anxiety that I just no longer feel too well. I sent my supervisor an email to let him know about what happened. I already have enough "bad" points in my record and now with this, I just added more. Thinking about it really adds more to my anxiety. I feel like regardless of what I do, show up, not show up, I would still feel like shit. I would still get punished anyway.

So I decided to not go to work instead. It didn't feel good. I don't know why I keep finding myself in this predicament. It's like, something horrible/miserable has to happen first before I get the urge to get my shit together and finally motivate myself to do the right thing.

I've been debating for the longest time now, whether or not I should talk to a therapist. I've never really done therapy before but I always wanted to try it. Also, I am not sure if therapy would help me at all even though all I hear from everyone is how much they love to recommend it and encourage others to seek it. I dunno. I feel like I know what the problem is and it's me. I am so lazy. I know if I just get up on my feet and start doing things, stop procrastinating and finishing my task early, I won't have most of my problems right now. But at the same time, I ask myself, what if, me, justifying why I don't need therapy is all the more reason I should seek professional help. I know my depression and anxiety, a lot of it comes from my own bad decisions and actions. Now what I need is to figure out a system or a way to help me stop being lazy and stay disciplined or motivated.

I am already in my 30s and I am really starting to get worried about my future. I still act like a teenager I feel like. It's not cute. I have to take accountability and take control over my own life and destiny.

Here's to hoping I still have my job. I'd be heartbroken if i get fired.

Below is a poem by my friend from Cebu, Therese. This video found me at such a right time.

[alfimumu]

Lights. Camera. Action! I am back bitchesss!

It's been a while since I posed on here. Literally, ages. (Checking rn exactly when was my last pot...)

Lawd have mercy! 6 years ago! wtf

Damn.

Where to start.

Well, I survived a pandemic. I am still a flight attendant. I did get furloughed at one point but I am back now. And oh, I now live in New York! Yes. INSANE. I'm pretty sure I have old entries of me dreaming of living in New York, romanticizing the idea hardcore.

I do kinda miss writing blogs. Either that or I just got bored of Youtube. It's kinda weird. I transitioned from being a blogger to a youtuber/vlogger and then I sorta deactivated my channel and years later, I am back on Tumblr. I am pretty surprised they haven't really changed the layout on here that much tbh. I am glad it didn't become another case of Friendster and Myspace.

Anyway, the main reason why I wanted to write again is because I wanted to document my acting journey... 🙈🙊😝 Yup, I am finally doing it. When I moved the the US in 2012 and having done some theater in the Philippines, I set a goal to continue performing; however, nothing really came out of it. I dunno. Maybe I felt discouraged a bit. Over here, acting is an actual job. One must actually invest in certain things to even be a working actor. I did get my headshot taken back in 2014 but that was pretty much it. I didn't look for acting opportunities whatsoever. Something held me back. It could also be just life in general. I started living on my own in 2014 and I had more important things to worry about. Honestly, it could also be that I've gotten really lazy and plain uninspired. It's really scary how life subtly creeps up on you and one day you wake up, you're a sleep deprived 30 year old with an even worse social anxiety, back pain, and dirty dishes to do twice a day.

Having said all of that, what really matters is that I am now finally taking steps to pursue a career in acting; 8 years late but that's totally fine.

I signed up for 3 different casting sites: Actors Access, Backstage, and Casting Networks. I bought a new lens for my camera for my headshots (I took my own headshots. Don't do what I did lol) I've already done a few auditions actually. I still cringe a lot at myself HAHA but that's totally acceptable. If I feel like cringing, I simply let myself do so. I am thinking of enrolling in acting classes. I really what I can get out of them are truly valuable. I don't have an actual reel yet so as of now, I've been submitting to a lot of student films just so I could get enough footage to build something with it. It's a lot of hard work for sure but it's cool. I'd rather struggle doing something that I love. I've struggled for so long doing something I hate (that's such a strong word but ykwim) don't like so I am sure I'll get by just fine as a beginner actor here in New York.

Below is my current setup. I bought this blue backdrop for self-tapes and I don't have a tripod so I place my camera on top of a stack of books. Thankfully, I still haven't gotten rid of my studio lights. I have this really weird habit of giving or throwing throwing things away when I feel like my place is beginning to appear slightly clutter. or when I am moving HAHA

You might be wondering what that image of a guy is for. He's my scene partner. No, I am not kidding.

[alfimumu]

Flight Attendant Diaries: What Can You Do In 24 Hours?

In this video I will show you how I spent my 24 + 1 = 25 hour layover in Denver, Colorado. I spend most of my layovers just walking around or taking local transportation to and from places.

As much as possible, I don't spend too much on my layovers because when you travel for work, it becomes so easy to spend your money on things you wouldn't typically buy if you were just at home.

I always remind myself that, NO, I am not on vacation. LOL Plus, you don't really need to spend money to have a good time or to have a great experience in certain place. If you just look around you, there is so much to see and appreciate.

Thank you guys for watching this video!

I will be uploading videos from now on every Wednesday!

Let me know down the comment section of any video ideas you want me to make in the future, be it flight attendant life related or not.

Take care and fly high!

[alfimumu]

Life Of A Flight Attendant # 1

I am right now in my bed, trying so hard to sleep but just cant.

Tomorrow I will be working a flight to New York and for the first time, I will be staying in the city, as in Manhattan city for my rest. Oh god, I've been waiting for this my whole life. I wanted to see New York so bad that it hurts. My plans on pursuing my college education in the big apple apparently did not come about but I am grateful still for how things turned around.

It has been 4 months now since I moved to Philadelphia where I am based at. I definitely have learned a lot since then. 

Sometimes when I am working, I get so tired. My heels hurt like a hell for standing a lot. I also hate how I get so oily up there. Ugh. Thanks to the artificial environment and recycled air of these planes! I hate how sometimes I don't know what to do during my "free time". I am overwhelmed with too many information. I feel like being nice just doesn't work all the time. 

I get frustrated over the smallest things. Bigger ones, I don't even know.

I always wanted to be a flight attendant since I was a kid. To be a flight attendant was at the same level for me as to become a Disney Animator or an Engineer. 

I remember when I was a little boy in a very small town in the southern region of the Philippines, flying on an airplane was almost impossible. The closest thing to flying was drawing them on a piece of paper or making those paper ones. Seeing those ads made me feel so sentimental at such a young age and it made me ambition to become a flight attendant for the first time.

Fast forward to now, I am already a certified flight steward. I have my wings which I pin on my uniform every time I go to work. I have my luggage. It's weird and crazy. 

I remember on the day I was offered the job, there were only 8 of us left out maybe 60 people who attended the event. This one flight attendant left us with a very meaningful quote which helps me a lot in moments like this.

"When you are about to lose your last ounce of patience or your get frustrated, just remember this day."

Tomorrow when I work my trips, I will be the BEST flight attendant for my passengers. :)

FA Jan here, signing off.

[alfimumu]

"Left Bank" Acrylic on Canvas 11"x14"

[alfimumu]

Dancing On My Own

Sometimes I like to come up on here when I don't want anyone to hear me say I am bored, I am sad, I am lonely. Living alone is kinda weird. The silence in my apartment can be deafening. I have this huge space of I don't even know what to do with. I feel isolated. i feel detached from the world. I am not saying I hate it. I mean, this is all I ever wished for. It's just weird. mmm

[alfimumu]

i got accepted to Parsons!!! omg #parsons #thenewschool #parsonsnewschoolfordesign #college

[alfimumu]

Overwhelmed

So finally here's the weekend.

I cannot explain how antsy I get waiting for the weekend when I am at work. The funny thing is that when I am at home on a weekend, I really cannot find anything productive to do with my time. I either sit in front of my laptop watching random videos on Youtube or checking google for the latest news on Vhong Navarro's case or eating anything that I see in the kitchen or sleeping without washing my face and wearing the same thing I wore Friday night. Just sad.

I finally submitted my application to Parsons The New School for Design and just yesterday I got an email from the school notifying me that they already have received all required materials and provided me with my ID number. My application was the only thing that kept me busy on a weekend these past weeks. I realized that making and building a portfolio is no joke. What made it even more harder is that I just learned about the school 3 months ago so I didn't have enough time to really prepare and get everything ready. Luckily, the school was able to receive my documents just before the deadline. I gotta give Fedex and UPS credits for their service!

I wanted to complete my FAFSA (student aid) application today but these questions about my parents  and my personal tax and IRS information is just...whew. Just when I thought I could relax after submitting my art school application, there are actually more things I need to work on. I really hope that I can get this done tomorrow. 

I am trying my very best not to even worry about the cost of attendance at Parsons. I just want to make the most out of all the resources that I could avail to help me finance my education because I honestly cannot afford the tuition alone. It is sooo expensive! I am keeping my fingers crossed hoping that I win the scholarship competition I joined. I submitted my entry really early and now that the deadline is fast approaching, I cannot help but feel so nervous. Seeing all the entries and videos by other students hoping of winning the same scholarship is just so overwhelming.

I am just gonna leave it all up to God. I know I gave it my best. All I could do right now is just believe and not just believe but believe fully and believe with a whole heart. Claim it as they say. While I am waiting for the decision, I am just gonna keep on dreaming. No doubts. I will win the competition. I will. I will. I will. 

As of the mean time, I am going to brush my teeth and maybe take a shower because I really need one right now.

:)

[alfimumu]

I am. :'(

[alfimumu]

my big family #brothersandsisters #siblings

[alfimumu]

:)

[alfimumu]

I will go the distance.

[alfimumu]

#restroomselfie

[alfimumu]

#adjust

[alfimumu]

Some Photography

I got my camera last year but I haven't really used it that much since my  last Youtube video. I actually deleted all my videos on Youtube because I hated how slow our internet connection was. I planned on posting videos every week, but ATT made it impossible to do just that. It made me so mad. lol. The good news is, we now switched to Mediacom. It's so much faster now. It even made me realize how hard life was back when we had ATT. It may sound shallow but really, life is so much better now. haha

So yeah, here are some of the photos I took. They're pretty simple. 

I honestly don't know what else to say. I'm so sleepy.