aliceneverminddd-pau

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

breathing airrr

After 4 months of "duty" and after 2 major rotations, I can finally breathe.

Taking a break was the easiest route for me. It rewired my brain in the best possible way. It brought me closer to God. It made me realize that I have a free will. I know it's crazy how I lost that, but I did. I was too into my routine that I forgot I have a choice. I can do things and I can also choose not to.

Also, being in an environment that allows me to be myself is so important and I am thankful for meeting such people that is exactly like that.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

5 days of PEDIA - NICU

I have a lot of anxiety towards this rotation and I know exactly where I came from. My clerkship trauma started with my pedia rotation.

So far, everything's bearable.

But my anxiety towards every single thing makes my body felt numb and literally inflamed (allergy).

My goal is to be okay. To breathe. To just let everything happen to me. To remember that I am not in the same place I was. To remember that I survived. To find comfort in my journey. To find comfort and peace that I am better. To remove this thorn in my heart.

I am okay...

I am breathing...

I am safe...

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

10 days of being an INTERN

It's a different hospital, different people, different system and I am hoping for a different and better version of me.

I have been away for 6 months and I am glad that I did. My body rested. I wasn't okay the whole time, I am still healing. I still have trauma left in me that I couldn't easily shake off. I still have anger that flows inside my veins.

Believing in myself and getting my sparks back is a process I must take. I am okay. I am blessed.

I have a lot to learn and I hope to do it more intentionally, even when I count the hours that I will be out of the hospital. I am still adjusting to a different city, but I am glad that I knew some people (my batchmates from med school).

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

my acne won't go away

I wasn't the most confident person but having persistent acne is stressful. I feel awful. It's itchy and hurtful. I feel so ugly. I just want them gone. I missed the days when I didn't have them. I had no idea how fast they attacked me. I was blindsided. When I noticed them, it was too late.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

excitement > anxiety

I am beyond nervous for my next venture in life: the INTERNSHIP. Writing my goals would probably help so here's my list.

Grace from God

Calm and slow - I know how fast life will only bring destruction in my life. I have lived my life fast and it brought me adversity I wished I didn't experienced. So for now, I will take it easy and slow down. I will be a Licensed Doctor, sooner or later. I need to stop worrying about it.

Loved but always alone - I have my family, and friends. I have the support I need. I need not to worry.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

internship application

I am waiting for the results of my internship application. Every passing moment felt like my hope is floating away. I am so nervous and having a bit of anxiety about it. Not to sound dramatic, but I am fighting my urge not to kill myself. I just want to wait in peace but my pessimistic mind is annoying. I am still hoping for a good news bc I deserve it.

12/15 - I got it. It's not my first choice, but this is my path. I am going forward. I am going for it.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

no to bday blues!!

Last year, I was suffocated bc of my own decision. Waking up felt like a chore and my body needed to be numb and dumb. Today, I am living in the life I have prayed for. A refugee in the comfort of my home.

My family supported me, even when I didn't deserve it. They gave me strength to go on and their love gave me hope. I didn't even see any future, but I kept going. My friends are angels sent by someone above.

Amidst the chaos, I lost my cats. My heart breaks bc I loved them so much. I will forever miss them.

I have nothing but a grateful heart. I kept going, finished clerkship and graduated with BATCH SIRANG. It was a rocky experience, but nevertheless fruitful. I traveled. I saw mountains and oceans.

There are days where I live in the dark space in my own mind. I still bleed where my wounds are. My heart is still full of black threads of regrets and abuse but I see a path. My own path. Peaceful and paved.

Happy birthday to me.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

doing nothing for 3 weeks

My year was hell. I was up so early in the morning and working whole day. No time for sleeping, for hanging out with people, for relaxing, for absolutely anything.

Now, I did nothing for 3 weeks and I still can't relax. I am still irritated and anxious. I still cry every night thinking about what happened and thinking about what will happen. I still cry when I have doubts in my decision. I feel so alone.

I feel like this is always happening and I am so tired of feeling so low. I am so tired of feeling so bad about myself. I also want to be happy but I have a lot of triggers and my heart cannot take it anymore.

I wanted help from people around me and it frustrates me that no one is giving me anything. I feel so alone and unloved. I don't know what to do. I don't have friends anymore. My family is always there but still cannot understand me. Heck, I can't even understand myself. I badly want to die. I don't know how to live anymore. I have no idea what I should be doing. I feel irrelevant, like a waste of space.

How can I make myself ok? How can I wake up with the feeling that doing nothing is a gift from God? How can I get out of my room and my house and just enjoy something. I kept on wishing, but things are just not looking good.

I think I need to get out of this house. FOR GOOD. but then, I remember my countless depressive nights. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate myself. Can someone save me? I can't anymore. I cannot breathe. I cannot think. I cannot do anything. I am on edge. I am on the verge of giving up. I want to die.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

Notes from reading my 2023 journal

My hometown: I run away from stress way too much that my anxiety is getting bigger. Small inconvenience would made me want to go home and go to the beach like it would magically disappear. It wouldn't. I should learn to embrace solitude and discomfort bc it WILL make me a better person.

Self: I need to stop with the negative self thoughts. Why do I hate myself so much? I have a lot of positive attributes but why can't I see it?

FAM: I have to appreciate them more and have more patience. They’re always with me when I need help so I should stop being “easily triggered” when I am around them.

FRIENDS: I should stop molding them into something I want. Learn to detach.

Be a bitch and make mistake. Life won't end when someone doesn't like you. Life won't end when you don't have this item. Life won't end when someone bad happened.

Appreciate every gift life offers. Even when it didn't took much effort. Especially then, actually.

Exams are all you done in your life. You have to enjoy life outside classroom.

You had so much anxiety about every single things. Just fucking breathe.

So, just fucking chill.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

healing season (again)

Healing my body, my soul and my spirit is slow. Time is not something trauma considers. There are days where I can move but a lot of bad days where crying is all I do. I just want to be ok and to breathe. To continue my life is a war between my worries and my strength.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

anger mgt

I am old yet the anger from my childhood still lingers in my heart. A lot of my happy moments have been rob bc of my constant anxiety and depression. I just realized now that I hurt a lot of people through my words, my indifference, and my actions. I hope to be more calm so that my love will reach the people who meant the world to me.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

i'm nervous...

I took a break from internship bc clerkship messed me up. My path was carved and I did side quest. I thought I would be doing magical things, like going to places. But I felt too defeated so I rest in my safe haven. I was a bit too comfortable which made me like I was useless.

Now, application continues and this is the step 1. I felt so weak. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know what to do. My fears burst in my heart and I felt like a burden.

I am afraid of doing the exact same thing. I don't feel a bit strong of what I did. I felt like I was back to my old anxious self. I wanted to be strong, but I don't know how. I want to be confidence and my fears felt so big that I cannot stand. I want to be okay but it still hurts me like crazy.

I know that I need to move forward, but I just felt so small and so weak. I need help. I need to be powerful. I need to be confidence.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

mania

Random bursts of energy are either the worst or the best. I have sudden urge to work or to rest after watching Kdrama.

When I remember the exams and the hard work that I have put in my academic years, it makes me want to just lie down and not move, even a bit.

When I see myself just lying down and not do anything, I feel useless and unhappy that I want to do ANYTHING.

I feel so lost right now. I feel like a lot of anger in my heart for all the rants left unsaid. I feel a lot of frustrations for all the dreams I've lost. I feel a lot of hatred towards myself for not fulfilling my life's choice.

I hope to not think and just move. I want to be feel healthies and just "alive".

How could I? I think by being mindfull, but it's always been difficult for me to do that.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

I did my very best and I should never think so little of myself just bc of some setback. There is progress in resting.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

a case of traveler vs vacationer

First time traveling with this friend. We fought a lot of times, but main problem is WALKING. 🚶‍♀️We both knew that we are going to get lost 🧭 a lot of times, but it is still tiring. 😮‍💨 My friend isn't the "athletic" type 🏋️‍♀️ so she's always tired AF. Plus, she got her period 🩸 before we got on the plane which is super annoying for her.

In hindsight, I should have been more understanding about it. But I was too tired from thinking about absolutely everything since my friend is self proclaimed no sense of direction. I just feel like she should have put more effort in helping me because we are both foreigners and I am also not the best in directions. 🗺️

There were also a lot of times where she was inconsiderate, but we never talked about it. I also have no idea how to talk about it with her. It's a weird experience for me. She's always going to be one of my closest friends, but this showed how distant we've become over the years. A lot of our differences came out and we never really communicated so it's still not resolved in a way. I just felt incompatible with her.

This isn't a reason to be a bitch, but I was also not in good place mentally. I just finished "clerkship" and my body is still operating on fight and flight response.

In the end, I really appreciate the moment we shared. It was an ✨beyond amazing ✨ experience. I love it so much.

[aliceneverminddd-pau]

hongkong + macau trip

planned trip VS reality

💕 Day 1 ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 3/5

Always lost ❓ and lots of walking 🚶‍♀️so comfy shoes is a MUST

HK airport: I had no idea that they have trains 🚊 inside airport. We just followed the crowd 🤸‍♀️ to get our check in luggage 🧳 which is after Immigration. Wifi was easy to find. *klook 100 hkd 💸 - couldn’t find it so we just gave it up

Bus 🚃 : longer than I thought it would be but it was only 1 ride to our hotel with a bit of walking so it was ok. Uber 🚖 is just way too expensive 💰

GoTyme: Withdraw money + bus payment

Mini Causeway Bay 🏨 : smaller than I thought but it wasn't a bother since we don't plan to stay that much in the hotel.

Yat Lok 🍗 : not my kind of food, but it was good

Arte M 🌺🐯🐉🌊 : worth it, it was so nice. But 😣 the uber 🚕 went to K11 near TST, but it was a different one so we uber again to right one.

TST: we just hang around the area for avenue lights but there's none 😞 but it was a nice view 🌇 and we rest our feet 👣

Peak tram: wrong booking 😞

💕 Day 2 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5/5

Breakfast at Cafe De Coral 🍱 : foreigner friendly

Beyond my fucking expectation 💥

Just ride everything you can HAHA

Bring japanese insecticide for sand mites - anxiety bc of i was infected with it. damn it.

Check disneyland app for activities and shows

MOMENTOUS 🎆🏰🎇 IS THE FUCKING BEST.

💕 Day 3 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 4/5

Booked a private tour with pinay friend. It was worth it bc we didn't have to worry where to go and we got to see lots of places for 1 day

HP 🪄 : so fun and so lots to do

Mongkok: wifi was lowbat and we were tired so cancelled it

Don Don Donki: lots of stuff to see and can also buy food

💕 Day 4 ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 3/5

Blue Bottle Coffee ☕️ : foreigner friendly

Luggage storage: need to be early bc it got full so fast

Cable car 🚡 : scary for me, but worth to try

NgongPin: we just ate and then went back to go to airport. Need to catch flight ✈️

I was shocked with the culture. They really don't talk in english so miscommunication can really happen. They are not that accommodating to foreigners so don't expect any help. It's easier to commute using MTR and Rome2Rio app. Google maps are always not good app for HK, but it's also helpful to check. Booking using klook can really help a lot. GoTyme is a must!

✨ If I were to change it ‼️

Day 1 HK airport (10am) → NgongPin (until 2-3pm) → Late check in to hotel (4pm) → ArteM (5pm) → Causeway bay: dinner and shopping → rest

Day 2 Disneyland - no changes

Day 3 Macau → Mongkok

Day 4 Early check out, but leave luggage for a bit in hotel → Blue Bottle Coffee (7 am) → Peak tram and Peak Tower (10am) → Hotel for luggage (3pm) → Airport by 4-5 pm, flight was 7pm