aliengirllogs

[aliengirllogs]

I did some good today. Walked all the way to the grocery store and the back with a full backpack to get some shopping and exercise done. Met a man while walking on the sidewalk and talked with him for awhile. Had figured out he just got out of prison and was currently on the street. I didn't ask him what for but he meantioned being hungry so I slipped a pulled pork sandwhich and coke to him. I wake gonna mic that coke with my fanta to make my favorite drink but he needed it more. Afterward I ended up talking to a freind I've had not as much interaction as I'd like recently and then ended up attending a free networking event in town. Met a lady in I.T. so maybe next time there will be some opportunity to talk to her more and maybe ask for advice on how to get into that career if I wanna. Last but not least I helped my sister (or close freind I call sister) through a rather tough breakup. She was pretty divistated. Looking back i hope today put me on the good end of karma again. Maybe it's a sign or a turning point for me. Who knows.

[aliengirllogs]

Howdy I'm back again with another dose of dread. Life has been interesting lately... I'm out of a job, tensions with the program I'm in only getting higher as my roommate does shit that will likely get out lease voided and life in general is just barreling downhill if I don't do something quickly. There in lies the problem. Doing something is so hard for me. Not like doing just anything is hard for me I can do stuff like go for walks or bowl, or help my friend move but when it comes to something that has such a big impact on my future even if that impact is for the better I freeze, I put it off, I do anything to basically self destruct. I don't want to. I want to have a means to make money do I can keep up on rent and not be homeless again. I want to be able to buy the things that'll help me seek out my actual career I want as a content creator. With all my heart I know getting a job, even a small one, is nothing but a good thing for me but my brain literally physically feels like it's being squished when I try to. I won't be surprised if I miss next rent and become homeless again. I need serious help or meds or something but I can't even get those cause I have no insurance. I've been on the street since 16 so like I don't have much of anything outside of a bundle of mental issues and a social security number. What the fuck do I do..

[aliengirllogs]

I should like actually talk about some positive stuff now tbh. I don't want this app even if I'm only using it as a journal to become just another way to further purpetuate and give wings to my negative emotions. So then what's an alien girl passionate about? Above all what interest/passion that defines me is worldbuilding and storytelling. Usually you hear that from either writers or like D&D DMs but I'm surprisingly a little less typical on this front as my obsession with telling stories and creating world expands beyond medium. I am working on a videogame with on of my best stories yet, I'm wish to write a book someday, I always wanted to sorta create a character to stream with. Like do twitch streams where I act like a certain personality other than my own and despite just streaming there will be subtle character growth and arcs. There's just so many mediums I want to explore to write and create stories and so many genres to try. Horror is obviously my go to which I mean.... Is that really suprising? But I love campy slice of life webcomics, superhero franchise movies (can't wait to see if James guns dcu really returns it to its former glory), dystopian future novels, coming of age narratives. There's so many great stories each with an ability to impact you emotionally really hard in their own unique ways and in a reality so boring and outright horrific in its own right that type of escapism that strengthens the brain, helps you emotionally mature, and challenges out views and perceptions they are more important than ever. If your a writer or perspective artist out there just know that that silly story or game, or comic or ARG unreality experience can and WILL change the world. You never know when a young heartbroken alien girl will be sitting in the school library while everyone else is having fun and chatting while she's left alone and then she looks up to find your book standing out to her like a friend reaching out and the journey of empowerment and the search for knowledge that will send her on. Until next time, stay weird and remember art can change the world.

[aliengirllogs]

I know I should be an adult but it's so hard. I grew up in what you would call and abusive household where my parents forced me to live in a separate trailer and I only went over to wash clothes and only ate either at school or when I went out with friends and then was kicked out at 16 so I certainly don't have the normal childhood experience (don't give me sympathy my past barely effects me emotionally in a modern sense and all of that led me to a better place so it's a good thing a lot of it happened). Now I don't mind losing out on the experiences of Christmas presents or play dates or talking to your family over dinner about how your day was cause all of that is kinda forced and superficial half the time anyway but I do feel there is something... Important missing. Like I feel like I'm trying to be an adult without the foundations you build to help you in adulthood. I don't know what they would be but I can tell they're missing or something like them. I see my friends and it is like their learning ice skate atop this frozen lake. Sure they tumble and fall and sure they're stuck on the ice as well but my lake is more like slush and it feels like while some of them were able to prepare for impact, i was just teleported right to the bottom. So basically everything in life feels more like struggling not to drown than anything else. I make it by every day by the skin of my teeth and my only relief is dreams I won't remember. It's breaking me down slowly. When will I start skating? When will I drown? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLA-

[aliengirllogs]

If you find my post too all over the place or hard to understand is just like to remind you this is the formatting of my brain. I think the way these posts read cause I type as the words come from my head and rarely change things outside grammatical correction. So yeah this is my every waking moment. Also, your free not to read. I'm just getting ahead of all the "I ain't reading all that" MFS that may come out the woodworks. Idk maybe that's more of a discord thing. I think tumblr might be less trolly but we'll see. Just remember this wasn't made with the primary intention of being read nor do you have to read it. Move on if you wanna

[aliengirllogs]

My mental state isn't exactly fragile as it is concerning. Despite my memory issues there are things about me mentally that have also pushed me to seek the help of professionals. So far I've been diagnosed with autism (was originally an ADHD diagnosis but changed) and complex post traumatic stress disorder but I don't put a lot of weight to that second one given what I mentioned in the memory thing. It is a simple fact that far too many things that are traumatic have happened to me throughout my life but I was kinda born into a highly traumatic and heavily abusive situation as well as being sheltered from reality until I was thrown into it by force to face it alone with no direction a few years ago now. That's a story for another time though, what I'm trying to get at here was I'm not necessarily affected that much by my situations others say should have been traumatizing to any degree Im aware of. It was like going to a new place and experiencing culture shock for me right? Like "oh it's not normal for dads to hurt moms and kids a lot?" Of "Huh it's okay to speak at dinner and in car rides and I won't get hit if I do?". It was literally just stepping into a different world. How could I have known all I was going through was terrible if I had not baseline for normal y'know? That sorta was my normal for the first 16 years of my life. So yeah it's more strange for those not to be happening anymore to me than anything else. It also leads to me just not knowing how to handle the smallest bit of affection either. Like I have a girlfriend now and anytime she says the words I love you my brain releases so much dopamine I swear Ive become addicted to the feeling to an unhealthy degree. Wow that's actually the perfect Segway back into the original topic of my mental state just kinda being strange in a bunch of different tiny ways. A big one is maturity. I'm immature according to everyone who's known me for more than a day. The thing is though, I work, I pay my taxes and rent, I see a therapist, and handle all my own appointments. I'm kinda crushing the independence thing but I talk without a filter, not in the vulgarity way but in the childlike way where everything is bombastic and cartoonist and without shame, I break out into song and/or dance sometimes when waiting on thing or when nothing's happening, I never walk instead I slide and run and penguin waddle everywhere cause it's fun. The other customers when I go grocery shopping always stare at me funny for that last one. Basically, in personality at least where maturity isn't needed I don't have it. Serious stuff gets maturity but the rest I prefer to be whimsical and eccentric. The final thing I really wanna list here is my attraction towards dark/deep subject matter. Most subjects I like you can either write a college course about or it can be used to write a mental profile about me by the FBI. I don't know why I love things usually either super complex or taboo but they just feel yummy to my brain y'know? And since I know you true crime girlies like to speculate on stuff like that I gotta shut you down here. I feel an intense sadness seeing my dad cull roosters let alone the idea of human death. Sorry not gonna get your next podcast topic outta this alien girl.

[aliengirllogs]

Alright, I decided first I should expand upon something in my first post just in case the nosier people of this app want to read this like a story it transitions smoother. So without further-a-do welcome to the memories post. My memory is tragically spotty. I don't remember my early childhood outside things people have told me later on or more traumatic stuff. Most therapists I've talked to say the bad memory is a c-ptsd thing but also that doesn't make sense cause it's like only the worst memories stuck and instead all the other moments disappeared. It's not like repression for sure. Either way I struggle with my memory issues a lot. In fact my biggest most existential fear as of currently is the possibility that I might not remember any of my life as I get older I'll be 30 with no memory of my 20s or 40 and no memory of anything before 30. The timeline of my life only gets longer and that's only more and more I will forget. I desperately play every memory game and read tons of books in hopes of approving it but there's always this looming what if scenario where it's all for naughty. I actually noticed this looong ago the first time. In middle school I noticed I couldn't remember any of my friends. You see I have a tendency to have a single friend until something happens and move onto the next friend rather than having multiple. That's actually something I've been trying to be better with as well but a younger me noticed even though I had such a long storied line of them and knew I did I didn't remember any of them outside the one I was currently hanging around so while at recess on time I promised myself I'd always remember him. I just stared and took in his face and must've said his name 100 times repeatedly in my head. My brain must be a masochist cause nothing hurts more than the fact I remember this situation so vividly the moment of staring at his face naked into my mind but where her was is just a black space I remember the surround situation and playground so so intensely but when I try to focus on him it's as if he was erased. I don't even remember his name only the fact I repeated it so many times and desperately wanted to remember it. Now obviously a playground friend from middle school isn't the end all be all as they say so this would hurt so bad if it wasn't for me finding similar things happening for a more important moment. My grandfather was a man who irreversibly changed the course of my life for the better. He was a hardened man with a soft spot for me and my sister. He was honestly the only blood relative I can look back at and genuinely say didn't at some point give up on me. He died not even a couple years ago. Even with what could've been his last breath he used it to change me for the better making me promise never to smoke like him as it's what did him in. I can remember the promise.. the joy.. the situations.. but not his face. Some people have proposed I may have some form of aphantasia as well. I don't think that can be true. My imagination is very active. Y'know how a lot of people sorta grow out of blurring reality with their imagination? Like as a kid you could pick up a stick and upon imagining it was a sword it was almost like the image was super-imposed over reality of that sword. Well I've actually never stopped being able to do that. A funny thing I actually do a lot is in scary situations where I'm staring into a dark hallway or something and need to lower my anxiety just to materialize the image of some absolute brainrot in it. I'll catch my ass making myself see the twerking she-hulk out in the woods from the window or something. So clearly not any type of aphantasia I know of. Anyway that's about it. I have a deep seed dread towards my lack of memory and desperately try any solution to help. Most of the proposed explanations even from professionals I sought help from don't feel right. It really messes with me.

[aliengirllogs]

Hi. You can call me A.G. if you'd like. Though I have no clue if anyone will see this to call me that. I don't know whether posts with no tags from random accounts will be given any traction here. In fact I know very little about this app, that's why I chose it. There's a near 0 chance anyone who knows me is on this app let alone able to find me here as I don't think we would be the target audience from what I've glimpsed from the occasional YouTube shorts reading. Anyway, to get to the point, I'm here just to journal general things in my life. You see I don't remember much of anything from the greater part of my past life. I'm in the earliest stages of adulthood and don't remember anything pre-highschool and even that's spotty. I always wanted to journal my thoughts and experiences but the format of journaling is lost on me. I simply can't get in the groove of something like that; But talking to someone, telling stories, explaining things I'm passionate about feels natural. Something a little like this letting my brain just spill out onto one long message. So I'ma start journaling here. Just dedicating posts to all the little things I find significant. I have a bit of a backlog so I might as well hop to that. Don't be wondering why I released so many posts on my first day then then spread out alright?