alifeindreams - Tumblr blog

[alifeindreams]

I don't know why I bother to still exist tbh

[alifeindreams]

I'm like a million percent done with everything.

Like what is the fucking point

[alifeindreams]

I feel such a deep sadness that my chest hurts.

I knew this was coming because whenever this happens I start to push people away, self isolate. Not feel like doing anything at all.

Hopefully it will leave again as quick as it came.

[alifeindreams]

I'm honestly struggling right now.

The urge to self harm has come back. It's quite strong.

There's a lot of pain inside of me. I'm trying so hard to be okay.

I'm not alone, so I'm safe. I don't think I trust myself to be alone right now.

[alifeindreams]

I am the absolute worst for going over horrible shit in my head again and again.

I cannot control how people think about me. I need to stop thinking about things I can't change.

[alifeindreams]

I'm going through the internal anger at myself stage now.

I think I've realised why I have so much self hatred.

Everything that has happened to me, I feel like I deserved it. Like I must've been bad if those things happened.

Another part is that I'm angry at being so desirable for those perverts.

Like it was my fault or something. Basically I have a lot of guilt and anger at myself.

[alifeindreams]

I'm at a point where I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

I think a main reason for that is that I never planned to live this long.

There's a lot of pain inside of me that no one knows about. That in some ways I'm afraid to let out. I don't know what to do.

[alifeindreams]

My ptsd be raging at the moment.

[alifeindreams]

Sometimes you really have to deal with the fact that you are not wanted.

I feel the day is coming soon where I finally leave.

Everyone will be so much happier then.

[alifeindreams]

I am the worst person in the world.

Why am I like this?

[alifeindreams]

I should probably die already.

Who's cares. I don't belong here.

[alifeindreams]

I absolutely belong nowhere on this planet.

I feel so empty.

[alifeindreams]

Ah... The panic attacks are back again. Yay

[alifeindreams]

Here I am. The bad guy again.

And then people wonder why I don't share my thoughts or feelings.

I can't keep walking on eggshells constantly. It's really affecting me.

[alifeindreams]

Can't help but feel so unwanted rn.

[alifeindreams]

I should be happy now but I'm really really not.

It even surprised me to be honest. Guess it makes me realise shit about myself.

My self loathing is so tiring. I just feel like I'm just fucking stuck at a crossroads. I don't know what the next thing to do is.

Do I just, chin up, keep pushing through? Or do I give in to myself & hurt myself or even further, take my life?

I just don't know, the intensity with which I feel this just has steadily gotten worse & worse.

Do I go back on medication? Do I go back to counselling? They haven't done shit in the past. It just feels like things will never get better & that really really scares me.

[alifeindreams]

The audacity of me, to think I'm that important. I'm not. At all. I know this. So why does it hurt so much?