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[alightparticle]

With him, I discovered my fear.

I thought he’ll turn his back over me. Over my scary self. He isn’t perfect indeed. But he’s trying. He’s not giving up on me. So neither do i. I’ll try. I’ll try my best.

[alightparticle]

Work at GSI dump.

[alightparticle]

I think i do happy now, not that ‘happy’ happy but i am better now. I’m no longer that rude pessimistic person. I thought the word was cruel and gloomy. But now things are getting better. I found my person after a long heavy journey. I don’t know how much he care about me. How much he love me. But i began to believe in people again. I found a person that could patiently treat me. He saw me at my worst. The darkest side of me. But he still there for me. I do believe in love and people again even I’m still afraid they’ll hurt me, again. I remember how terrible it was and I don’t wanna go through that way again. I know that I’m not totally healed but I’m on my way. I still can feel all the wounds but it’s ok. “Baby steps is a step” as i always said. I know so many thing to be fixed but I’ll get it done one by one. I just hope that i still have time.

[alightparticle]

When we have a problem we face it, we find the best solution. Running away may seems like an easy answer, but it’s actually just a temporary solution. Thank you for facing the problem with me. I know it wasn’t easy. But we can get through it. Glad that it’s you.

[alightparticle]

2021

Jan: pulang ke prabu dari taipei & liburan di belitung dan bandung. Bapak meninggal jadi akhir januari ke bandung lagi.

Feb: rescue kicil dari taman kota prabu

Mar: mcu buat syarat dosen, bagian sama psychiatrist gak lolos dan harus ngulang lagi. Balik ke prabu aa rescue kicul dari bawah mobil

April: mulai ngajar online, puasa pertama dan ulang tahun aa pertama bareng bareng.

Mei: lebaran pertama bareng aa dan lebaran ke tiga ga sama ayah ibu ditanah rantau. Akhir mei baru pulang ke bandung

Juni: Miscarriage

Juli: married for 2 years dan persiapan pindahan ke jkt & resign dr dosen

Agustus: pindahan kejakarta & skeptis sama covid jadi mostly dirumah karena ga ada kendaraan juga. Desperate karena pingin kerja.

September: keterima kerja di lab. Gaji pertama sbg fulltimer di indo.

Oktober: ulang tahun nda pertama kali ga pake kue virtual dari aa skrg kuenya beneran dan dapet bouquet bunga

November: kerja. Fullteam sekeluarga ke garut dan nginep di sampireun

Desember: kejogja dan kicil hamil kayanya.

[alightparticle]

I’m shutting down sometimes.

[alightparticle]

It was hard to trust and believe in someone. I’ve done it before and it wasn’t very pleasant at the end.

I was at my dark place. I stared at my bedroom ceiling when things gone wrong and my head was empty.

World is a nasty place. People get hurt and no one even care. Human are insignificant, particularly their feelings. It’s nothing.

My psychiatrist once asked me “what are you fighting for in this world”. I was frozen out.

“My self, my self to be a better one. So I’m capable of handling my scary self, dealing with my feelings and taking care of my own self”

“so I won’t be other’s pain in the ass, I wanna be a good company for people around me”

“I wanna be a better human being, I wanna to proof that we’re not some nasty creation that mess the world up”

“I wanna be a better one, the one that deserves something way better that this world”

[alightparticle]

*aa tiba-tiba meluk ditengah-tengah kepusingan aa meeting seharian*

Aa : kok enakeun ya meluk nda

Nda : hah?

Aa : iya pusing kerjanya langsung ilang

*cuma tersenyum-senyum sambil dipeluk*

[alightparticle]

A letter for amalia nafisah rahamani irawan:

Hi, mel how’s life? I hope everything work out well.

We’ve known each other since a very long time ago. You watched me grow and took care of me without me noticing it. I took you for a granted, if i should be honest.

Before ara was born i never have any sister and i never felt any sibling rivalry. Agree or not, you are actually my sibling rivalry. Loosing from you is like my biggest flaws. You’re the smartest, nicest, prettiest and strongest. You are loved by many. You achieved many things in life and I don’t want to lose. From higher score on national exam, getting in to ITB, all the trophies, working in government institutions, go abroad for studying until encountering many life problems. You always a head of me. Higher and hard to reach. I do am envy of you. I’m angry with your life. And you’re sunny personality. No matter how hard the life gave you.

You can handle you’re own problem without any help from anyone. That what makes me think i can do things on my own too… I don’t wanna be weak. I wanna be as strong as you.

But it turns that i was absent from your life. From the life of the person that had been taking care of me since i was very clueless about life, love and all the crappy stuff this world gave us.

I think that’s what make us kinda growing a part. We believed that each of us is capable of doing and handle things by our self which actually not true. Showing how strong we are is actually a proof of the most vulnerable and fragile our self is. I must admit that we actually need a companion. A person that reminds us to be true. to be the best version of our self.

I was on my deepest darkest self until i realize this. That i miss us. I miss how we fight against the world how the laugh and the joke we had and all the conversations. We were pure and know nothing about life until we’re here. Being distant.

We should be there when one of us need someone. We’re tied by something that people can’t see. And sometimes i forget that.

And i am truly sorry about that. Sorry that I’m not good at keeping anyone around especially you.

We missed a lot of each ups and downs any of us been through. I hope i can pay it back. Pay all the stories, life problems and time that we missed.

So here it is. For your 26 years of living this life. I hope you can achieve all the things you want out of life but still remember the reason why we’re born to this life. I did take you for granted but we shouldn’t take this life for granted. There’s a big reason why we’re born. Not about life on the earth but the hereafter. I hope we can be sibling rivalry for a life and the afterlife. I hope Allah always be with you and bless you and guide you through this rough patch world.

Barakallah.

Be happy. You know that I’m here and always love you,

Amalia ridla rahim.

[alightparticle]

Alhamdulillah. You’ve made it mal.

[alightparticle]

selamat bertambah usia amalia’s lifetime partner! 

Tahun pertama bertambah tua dan melewati ramadhan setelah gak sendiri lagi ya. Katanya umur bertambah artinya jatah hidup di dunia berkurang. Hari ini 24 april 2020, dalam beberapa jam kedepan jatah hidup a zaka akan berkurang di dunia ini. Tapi, nda harap sisa usia a zaka akan berkah dan bermanfaat buat orang banyak, buat dunia dan buat bekal nanti setelah gak di dunia lagi. Dunia kejam, banyak ujiannya. Tapi semoga kita bisa sama sama lewatin ujian-ujian itu dan sama sama juga masuk surga. Nda gak pernah berhenti bilang syukur sama Allah udah dikirimin orang kaya a zaka. Iya, nda se bersyukur itu, tanya aja temen-temen nda kalau gak percaya. Meskipun kita berdua banyak tapinya buat satu sama lain, semua ke tapi-tapian itu kalah jauh sama hal-hal yang disyukurinya kalau buat nda. Semoga kita akan terus bersyukur dan saling mengingatkan. 

Nda harap a zaka akan sehat-sehat selalu atau setidaknya kalau a zaka sakit nda bisa bikinin sup kaya yang suka ibu bikin buat nda kalau nda lagi sakit. kalau a zaka jauh dan sakit nda bingung gak bisa bantu apa apa malah seringnya sedih karena gak bisa ngobrol karena a zaka harus istirahat. Maaf ya atas jarak yang udah nda buat sendiri dan banyak nda keluhin sendiri juga. kadang nda suka mikir kalau aja nda gak milih untuk sekolah jauh-jauh. tapi mungkin kalau gak ada jarak kaya gini nda gak akan se bersyukur ini juga sama adanya a zaka. jarak ini emang sering bikin nda sedih karena gak bisa sama-sama sama a zaka tapi jarak juga yang bikin nda se bersyukur itu ada orang yang sabar dan mau nunggu nda untuk pulang. semoga a zaka jadi suami yang tambah baik yang bisa bimbing dan sama-sama belajar sama nda hehehe. semoga tahun depan kasi kuenya bisa langsung ya gak kue virtual hahaha jadi gak dimakan sendiri dan semoga tahun depan bisa buka-teraweh-saur dan lebaran sama sama ya. semoga kita bisa diketemuin di ramadhan tahun depan. tapi tahun ini semuanya sendiri sendiri dulu ya gak apa apa, tapi semoga di bulan yang banyak berkahnya ini juga bikin kita jadi manusia yang lebih baik lagi dari sebelumnya hehehe. 

Nda akan sabar juga buat nunggu waktu yang entah kapan bisa nda habisin cuma buat males malesan sama a zaka, ngobrol dan diskusi banyak sebelum tidur dan liatin a zaka main game atau siap siap berangkat ke kantor. nda akan juga nunggu dengan sabar buat waktu kita bisa main sama-sama. jalan-jalan ke banyak tempat menjadi bocah bocah petualang. nda ingin bayar waktu yang hilang yang gak nda habisin bareng a zaka. nda akan masak makanan buat a zaka meskipun gak enak. tapi a zaka harus mau cuci piring ya! nda juga akan cuci dan lipet baju-baju a zaka tapi nda gak mau jemur bajunya itu tugas a zaka ya hahaha. pokonya kita akan bagi-bagi tugas dan banyak senang-senang sama-sama nanti. kalaupun ada sedih setidaknya sedihnya juga bisa sama-sama. di otak nda banyak banget hal-hal yang mau nda lakuin sama-sama a zaka! hahaha. 

Nda tau nda banyak kurangnya, anehnya dan masih banyak salahnya. Tapi nda harap a zaka akan selalu sabar sama nda. Dari dulu orang-orang selalu khawatir sama nda, sama orang yang akan nemenin nda sampai tua. kata orang-orang, semoga orangnya orang baik dan sabar karena nda banyak caleunya dan keras kepalanya. Nda jarang banget fokus sama apa kelebihan nda, tapi yang ini nda harus bilang. Nda kalau udah sayang dan peduli sama orang akan bener bener se sayang dan se peduli itu selama yang nda mampu dan Allah izinkan hehehehehehe. 

oh iya! kebiasaan nda juga selalu bikin playlist buat orang yang menurut nda penting di hidup nda soalnya nda suka gak pandai buat nyampein apa yang nda rasain dan pikirin tapi lagu-lagu yang ada di plalist ini ngewakilin semuanya hahahaha udah pernah nda kasih liat sih tapi selalu nda tambahin sama lagu lagu yang emang juga bikin nda inget sama a zaka hehehe apa banget ya. semoga nanti lagu di playlist ini akan terus nambah sampai ber ratus ratus ribu dan akan selalu bikin nda inget sama hal-hal yang udah nda lewatin bareng a zaka. 

oh iya besok juga sembilan bulan loh kita sama-sama meskipun sebenernya cuma beneran sama-samanya mah cuma satu bulan hahaha! nda gak pernah nyangka akan bisa segininya sama a zaka, nda harap a zaka juga akan segininya sama nda. kalaupun suatu saat nanti segininya gak akan segini lagi semoga Allah akan jaga segininya kita dan ingetin kita lagi sama hal-hal yang emang jadi tujuannya kenapa Allah bilang kita harus sama-sama. semoga kita selalu inget tujuan kita sama-sama ya, suaminya nda hehehe. 

dari, 

istrinya a zaka yang 2000miles away. 

taipei, taiwan

24 April 2020. 

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0nc7iP7bv1pQ0ZdU5BXnbt?si=Enjou9spTwub88VhGc6x_Q)

[alightparticle]

[alightparticle]

Friendly warning. This tumblr has changed to a clingy platform for amalia.

[alightparticle]

Beberapa jam sebelum harus boarding:

A: sayang gak sm nda?

Z: sayang lah

A: kenapa?

Z: soalnya nda istri a zaka

A: kalau nda bukan istri a zaka?

Z: anda siapa?

A & Z : hahahahahaha

[alightparticle]

Sunshine

I was a sunshine to someone. Someone that I thought he needs my light to warm his day up. But it was only my assumption, he actually never even slightly needs me.

I began to think that I, ain’t no sunshine. I am a grayish sky with no light. I have no sun on my sky it’s hiding from me. I am cold and people try to avoid me because they think it’s gonna rain. They open an umbrella.

But later on, someone came.

He try to warm up this cold unfriendly circumstances. She refused but he kept trying.

She felt the temperature increase. But she’s afraid of the heat. She’s afraid with way too much heat. She doesn’t want to melt and disappear. She’s trying to protecting herself. There’s an uncomfortable things going on in her head, she see herself debating the other her.

But he’s still there, with the sunshine. And she feels the warmth even most of the time she always thinks that she doesn’t deserve this, deserve him.

But she’s happy and glad it was him in the end.

[alightparticle]

“但愿人长久 千里共婵娟” may the days of us last long, though thousands of miles apart we can still share the beauty of the same moon

Ancient Chinese poet for mid autumn festival