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Words

The nicest thing I think anyone's ever said to me came from my best friend of 20 years the other day. Its really stuck close to home and made me smile these past few days. (Yes, at 23 years old I've had the same BFF since we were in playschool. How crazy is that?!) So I've been hospitalized for the past 2 weeks and he came to visit me the other day, the nurses were coming and going, taking my blood pressure, giving me medicine, drawing blood, etc and at one point I noticed him sitting there with this little smile on his face watching me and the nurse. When I asked why he was looking at me like that he just said: "you're such a sweetheart. Everyone that comes in here you smile at them and thank them. You're kind to people and you talk to everyone with compassion and grace. Its amazing to get to watch." Now I don't think about these things. I'm polite and considerate because people deserve respect no matter who they are and my momma raised me right. Its all second nature to me to smile when I talk to the staff that brings me lunch and thank the lady that takes my blood and joke around with the night nurse. I don't think that makes me sweet or kind or special, it just makes me human. But apparently not everyone is like that and it is a quality my best friend highly admires in me and that feels fantastic. To know that just by being who I am he thinks I am an amazing and empathic person. I don't know why I felt so touched when he told me, but I did. I could do a lot worse than to be remembered as friendly and good hearted.

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Things are fucking terrible. And things have never been better. I have been practically bed ridden for 2 months. I'm so sick. I just found out in have vasculitis and bliod clots in my kidneys. I've never been in this kind of excruciating pain before. I've been hospitalized multiple times and I'm on another 12 day hospital stint currently and it looks like I'll even be here still for my birthday in 4 days. I started prednisone again and I've started chemo again. I feel like I'm dying and for the first time in the 10+ years I've been sick, I feel like I have no fight left. But my life was going so well ! I finally have a life I WANT to fight for. Im finally happy. Health aside things were going great. I am in a happy, healthy relationship, I love him so much. My other relationships have all improved too! Things with my parnts, my mum especially. I'm closer to my siblings than ever before. I appreciate my friends more. I have goals and hobbies and plans and I was doing really well. I was seeing my doctors and taking my meds and working through my issues. Then my health tanked. Hard. And I'm still doing really good considering. But fuck. Its hard sometimes. And it kind of really sucks this had to happen when I was finally okay. I'm still gonna fight, even though I feel like there's no fight left in me, because its worth it. This life I'm making for myself. Its worth it. And I'm worth it.

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The Joys of Chronic Illness

I feel so defeated. Five days ago I had my first Benlysta iv treatment. My flare up wasn't getting better regardless of my current treatment and my doctor was concerned if we waiting to long my kidneys would pay the price. So after a lot of uncertainty I decided to do the treatment. I feel like hell. My feet are tender and swollen. My calves are so sore I can barely walk. My knees lock up. My lower back is killing me. I'm nauseous and burpy. My shoulders are tight and it's hard to breathe. My spine hurts. Their is a muscle in my back that feels like it's being slashed open every time I move. My arms are weak and my elbows are locking up and my iv site is sore. My throat feels raw. I have a massive headache. My mouth is so dry. I am weak and exhausted but I can barely sleep. I have a fever. I've been feeling all of this for almost a week now, and in one week more I have to do another treatment. God please let me feel better and not go through this all over again. This is supposed to help me feel better. To help get my life to a state of normalcy. But all I want to do is die.

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Green smoothie made with spinach, papaya, peaches, bananas, pineapple, mango and green tea and chia seeds sprinkled on top. Next was supper. Poached salmon on a bed of brocoli & quinoa with lemon butter and a sesame drizzle. Followed off with a delicious hot cup of melon tea from David's Tea.

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The most beautiful days lately. I moved to the city. Closer to my family. Closer to my doctors. Closer to my love. The weather has been beautiful. I've had some delicious drinks and foods (London fog, homemade nachos, breakfast at coras, Starbucks cool lime refresher, green smoothie w spinach, mangos, peaches, papaya, pineapple and coconut almond milk, me out enjoying the sun, MY NEW KITTY, and after I got my eyebrows threaded again finally. It's been a long crazy busy and amazing week.

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Art isn't supposed to look nice. It's supposed to make you feel something. And I am a work of art.

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I'm not a "Virgo" I'm a bitch

I'm the dreamer and the realist that dashes my own hopes. I am the starving artist that never shows anyone their work. I am an adult managing in this world and the child hiding under the bed. I am the patient near death and i am the doctor nursing you back to health. I am the loyal girlfriend and i am the one you drunk dial. I am crazy Saturday night and a lazy Sunday morning. I am everything and i am nothing. I am everyone. And i am no one.

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Truth

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I didn't know this was a thing?? I become SO enraged by certain eating sounds. Woah.

Misophonia - WTF fun fact

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You're gonna push on through, pretty girl. Just like we always do, beautiful girl. I know the world can be cruel. Pretty girl. You're gonna make it cause you got love on your side.

Beautiful girl.

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Made a super easy stirfry tonight. Vermicelli noodles are insanely easy and quick to make, and then I just tossed a frozen stirfry vegetable mix in the wok with some homemade teriyaki sauce, which is also really easy to make, some hemp hearts and chia seeds and a sprinkle or sesame seeds. It was yummy and super easy to do.

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Been sick again for a few days plus I think I've caught a cold. This is me feeling hella blah and my daily drinks I've gotten to convince myself i feel a little better than I actually do.

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Beautiful scenery on our walk yesterday and I love being in the woods and in nature.

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For some reason I figured that a kale smoothie would cure my dodgy stomach after a night of heavy drinking. I wasn’t wrong.

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That's enough.

I'm not even sure what's going on in my life right now. But I know I like it. And that's enough for me.

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Got to see my best friend again for the first time in three years and ended up getting two tattoos instead of just the one we had planned on getting together!! (We were getting xo's) I got the lamppost because I've wanted it for years and figured I paid for an hour anyways might as well!