alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!    

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me)  You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.  

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide – 

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!  

I am not an expert.  I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table.  The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more. 

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me.  Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started.  B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol)  I could tell that his ego was a little hurt.  Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings,  but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.  

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle.  It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married.  This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still  starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight,  I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight.  I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after-  great experience, right!  

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt. 

The point is! 

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them.  This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well,  without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions 

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body –  and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right,  that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable.  That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale.  I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do.  You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

The Matriarch

How I found my path to Strength, Patience, Honour, POWER & Loyalty

Inspired by The Matriarch Clothing Line -                            www.thematriarch.ca or insta @thematriarchinyou

I am so lucky to be surrounded around so many amazing women – like minded women who may not share the same fitness goals as I do, but share the same passion for what all of this stands for, women who have taught me myth from fact – aided in my own personal growth, my weight loss, my mental health – some of these women I have never even met, and if it weren’t for social media we would not have connected at all, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today - These women who I have met, followed, creeped – and secretly cheered for in the background are strong, fearless and confident, they are not afraid to be authentically themselves, they thrive in their element (whatever it may be) they lead by example and take risks- They expose their journeys on social media, they allow themselves to be vulnerable and honest even during times when they feel their worst – I admire their strength to be so “real” – 

I received a message this week - it read : 

“how do you change your thought process to self love? Cause I am over here loving your posts and progress..then I read your post today and realized we are the same weight. Why can I love your body so much, yet not see the beauty in myself that I see in you? 

Wow, did that ever hit me, the reality of this is that women are taught to associate their “beauty” by what the number on the scale says- Its pure hell being in your own mind about your body, to be your own worst enemy thinking everyone sees the same flaws you do (when in reality, they don’t) to question the foods we put in our mouths, the exercise we are (or aren’t getting) or the way our jeans fit…However,  I am confident that I have found the secret and its really easy – and I have written about it before but have come to realize even more so now that is in fact your tribe that make all the difference, it is the women of your life - the connections and the relationships – So I am going to go about this in 2 ways because it is as equally important to speak to yourself with the same kindness and patience that you would a friend…and failing to realize that you hold your own perception in your hands is a key factor in all of this self love, self worth stuff that we are struggling so hard to find…

So, FACT:

Such a silly meme that keeps circulating social media, but I actually 1000% agree with- I speak from experience when I say that it is amazing what a new outfit can do for your self esteem, which is why so many women are obsessed with shopping (right!) but honestly taking the time to invest in clothing that you really love, that make you feel good is the perfect way to boost your self esteem – if you are having a difficult day wearing an outfit that you KNOW looks bomb, hugs your curves and is all around flattering to your figure can change your whole ‘tud towards the day, it can literally be the game changer!  

When you can find beauty in yourself you are more likely to have higher self esteem and self worth, it shouldn’t come as a shock when I say that “feeling pretty” can enhance your mood, boost your confidence and even increase your energy level…(not to mention your sex life) Think about it -  when you have a good hair day or make up day, a good outfit day or whatever the good is to you - you walk taller, with more confidence - you hold your head higher and you glow a little differently! Now, imagine feeling like that everyday - because you can! 

There is a list of reasons to hate social media, to not understand it fully or to use it what its purpose but there is also a list of reasons to love what the culture brings – without it we would not be able to connect with these like minded women, real women who are living their best lives all of the world – living in countries I could only imagine living it, there is an unspoken sisterhood of support and non-judgement and I couldn’t imagine where I would be right now if it wasn’t for the support of my unspoken sisterhood. These women have built me up, they’ve provided me with skills I never thought I needed, they have taught me to love myself, my body, my whole presence – they have laughed with me, cried with me – spent time getting to know me and they have stuck by me through thick and thin and all it took was a simple follow… a simple like or a comment on a photo that set the tone for the rest of the day- and yes ladies, it is that simple- It is suggested that being told you look pretty or beautiful on days when you aren’t feeling your best can instantly elevate your mood – when you feel self conscious, you can act differently then you usually do, which can negatively effect your disposition and being kind and supportive doesn’t cost you a thing. 

While there are some out there who judge the selfies, or progress photos or gym “talk” – there are some who have reaped the benefits of using social media for exactly what it is designed to do – we create content, that may feel superficial to some but to those who post it’s a way of life- its support, it’s a unspoken sisterhood, one I personally could not be more proud to be apart of.  

I understand that some days can be a struggle to feel pretty, maybe you had a poor nights rest and woke up to a large zit on your face that surprised you with an unexpected visit but doing small things each day that make you feel pretty can dramatically improve your quality of life!! 

So let’s imagine a world where women could thrive from the second they opened their eyes, a world where we could just roll out of bed -make up free, messy bed head and that pesky pimple and still feel hot as hell - to be able to look in the mirror at any stage of the day and LOVE who is looking back (the whole perfectly flawed morning mess that you are allowed to be) That is a world that I want to raise my child in – where beauty isn’t defined by a number. 

But understand this -everyone’s definition of beauty is different and finding yours is going to take time, it will take self love and compassion, it will take loving every imperfection (that YOU think you have, even that pesky pimple, lol)  but here is the kicker, it’s doable –it’s being in control of how people perceive you – and let me tell you ladies – IT IS empowering – allowing yourself to be so confident in your own skin that even being braless and make up free doesn’t phase you – We should see more of that being posted, liked and shared. We should be celebrating strong BADASS women who are doing their own thing, for their own needs for their own growth and goals and we should all be taking the time out to do the things that make us feel pretty, or beautiful – even if it is just a new kickass gym outfit. 

Sincerely,

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Netflix and Chill Mama

Pardon my absence..again lol- life has been crazy and I have felt a little more disconnected from everything, more then I think I would like to admit.  I feel like there is so much mom guilt, or guilt in general these past few weeks that I have neglected to really practice that “self-care” that I adamantly preach to everyone else.

“Take the Time Mamas”

 - Get your nails done

-  Go out with the girls

- Go to the movies

- Read a book

- Go to the gym

......blah blah blah…....

As fun as it has all been – it has been equally as exhausting especially since I have been failing to take care of myself properly – forgetting to hit reset after weeks of actual bullshit lol - I am after all a self proclaimed “super mom” (actual fact, I have convinced my 7 year old son that I am a spy) in my “fantasy world” I am convinced I can do it all without skipping beat – but the reality is, I am a hot fucking mess most days and I have just gotten really good at hiding it.  

I think (and I hope you mama’s agree) that on top of getting your nails done, going to the gym, reading that book and supervising your kids class trips that you should just fucking rest, that’s self care too right – sleeping in on a Saturday, curling up on the couch with popcorn and a movie - that’s rest too, right OR simply just sitting by the fire with a group of friends who put your soul at ease – those are the “things” that are self medicating- the non tangible, the “real feels” the self care that we all know you deserve and living in those moments, being mindful in the moments can help fill your cup – which I have now come to realize is neither half empty nor half full but perhaps has always been too big – which means I need a smaller cup.

Admittedly (and without shame) I am in actuality not super mom, nor am I spy (I know, take a second to process that) but let me tell you there are days that I do feel like both - I go through periods of different emotions (like we all do) Some weeks I feel like I have my shit together and I could run a marathon – the house is clean, meals are prepped, laundry is caught up and then there are other weeks I just let shit go to the point where it looks like a bomb went off in my closet – but reality is just that and much like the bomb in my closet – it’s a mirrored reaction of the bomb that is about to go off in my head

I have to sit here and admit (big sigh) that I absolutely have no idea wtf I am doing right now- and that the more I keep telling myself “I’ve got this” or “I’m fine” the more I need to accept that I don’t actually “have this” -

I am however, “Fine” and when I say “fine” I actually mean - fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotional -  lol -so fine in my own way but not in the way society expects me to be “fine”–  in fact, I am so far left 99% of the time that I have just come to accept that my emotions are running my life right now lol –however, my anxiety and self doubt control so much of my life that I may as well start charging them rent- they have been like unwanted tenants and I have spent so time working on evicting them.

As I have mentioned in previous posts I have been taking therapy now for a few months now, she plays with the unwanted tenants and is helping me find a better way to deal with them, in so many ways it has been incredibly beneficial – she is a third party who isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit and although sessions are raw and emotional and absolutely everything I try to avoid feeling on a daily basis I walk away from an hour with her having a better understanding of what I need to do fix that bomb that is about to go off in my head and although I am not ready to really share a lot of the experience yet (as it is so incredibly draining and emotional) I will tell you that she has made me realize that it is okay to actually not be ok - to not have your shit together and as terrifying as it is to admit that out loud (not to mention publicly) after months of working towards trying to put some pieces back together (certainly isn’t the first time I have written about it) I am going to stand over here and own my mess!

And I think that’s why the silence happens – I have a hard time finding the words to motivate someone else when I can’t even motivate myself. Anxiety has a way of creating these walls around every 5f 6in of me where I can easily shut the world out, but with that comes shutting out my responsibilities to just be human.  

Thankfully, I am learning that rather then pretending I don’t feel certain ways (which I am told is mostly anger, btw) that it is better to co-exist with those pesky tenants – what I have come to realize is that I can have days where I feel like super mom and I can have days where I just want to lay on the couch and write, or watch a movie and just be in those quiet moments too- I wrote a few weeks about being mindful and how living in the moment can lead to a more fulfilling life and yet I forgot to give myself the thing that I was needing in that moment, which was rest- Let me tell you when you are pouring from an empty cup you it is bound to catch up with you….. so, Rest Mama’s – as they say “Netflix and chill” 

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Real Life Recess

The idea of being mindful—or being present, being more conscious of life as it happens—may seem contradictory to those who are used to sacrificing living for pursuing their goals but cultivating mindfulness will help you achieve your goals and help you enjoy life more. In fact, you’re more productive when you’re mindful – and when your body is feeling less anxious it reduces stress and lowers blood pressure.  When you are mindful and able to live more in the moment you can hear negative feedback without feeling threatened, you are more aware and excepting of your weaknesses- which reduces the kinds of impulsivity and reactivity that is associated with depression, binge eating and attention problems, mindful people are happier, more exuberant, more empathetic and more secure which could also lead to more satisfying relationships with friends and family.

So, if being mindful and being present and more conscious of life in the moment can create a recipe for a more fulling life and - on paper seems like such an easy thing to do then why are there so many stressed out people out there who work more then they live for themselves or more importantly when was the last time you took a shower that didn’t feel rushed because you had something more important to do (like raising a child?)

How on earth do we become more mindful?

I remember growing up, every morning I would hear my mama’s alarm go off and I would hear her get out of bed and find her way to the kitchen where she would sit at the table quietly sipping on her freshly brewed coffee and after about half hour she would then shower and get ready for work, she did this every morning until I moved out and you would think that would have taught me some sort of structure but I am lucky if I even remember to set my alarm clock and 9 times out of 10 I am rolling out of bed at 20 after 8 rushing to get Colton to school on time (which we are getting better at).  I wish I was that person that could get up with sun but this girl is not a fan of early mornings and I don’t drink coffee so my mornings consist of running around like a crazy person, waking up a 7 year old, getting him dressed, making him breakfast – reminding him 17 times to brush his teeth, to put socks on all while trying to put together a healthy lunch (this is where I wish I had more then two hands) and when I finally feel like I have everything under control and his backpack packed and ready to go, I score the last 10 minutes to myself- just to put clean underwear on! Lol And up until about 6 months ago I had the mentality that being productive meant working 12 hour days and coming home to cook, clean and parent- I made zero time for myself and when I did I was more concerned with the work that would pile up in my absence. My days would start as chaotic as they ended – and I struggled to find time to even get the oil in my car changed within 3 months of the expected change date, but that was my normal and I had accepted that. I started working at 15 and I was managing my own retail store by 17. I went onto bigger and more amazing things throughout my 20’s to now and I have worked really hard to get where I am- but I believed that in order to be successful I needed to dedicate myself to work – at whatever cost (which I realize now was my own happiness)  

Looking back now, I wonder what my mom was thinking about in that half hour of caffeinated bliss, was she planning the day ahead, what we were going to have for dinner, what bills were coming out that week or was she simply just enjoying 30 minutes of pure silence before her own chaotic day started?

I have started taking an hour to myself everyday (sometimes two) however I am not in need of that hour to plan my day or drink my coffee - I have learned that in my life, I can no longer plan ahead because… well… “shit just happens” and if you can’t learn to roll with the punches then the anxiety of not being prepared (for me at least) takes control - I have had to learn to let go of the “what ifs” (like “what if” I picked up that call- the not knowing drives me absolutely bonkers) but I’ve spent a lot of time reminding myself that life is full of what ifs and maybe we should spend more time taking risks and just accepting whatever happens, BUT anxiety is a bitch like that – doesn’t wait for the welcome mat to be rolled out before it pushes its way in.

So as my mama would say “why borrow trouble” – and, I find myself repeating this daily.

After I quit my job I got stuck in this routine of dropping Colton off at school, and going straight to the gym where I would stand and chat with the girls for about 20 minutes, workout for an hour (or dance) massage, chat with the girls (again) only to leave to come home to do the dishes, clean the house, feed the fish, do the laundry, pick up Colton, make dinner and so on, from there it was just on repeat- I became a “house hold CEO” I managed my house like I did my gym because I was so lost and the only thing I knew how to do was work – and at no time did I think to myself, “hmm, maybe I should stop and think about what I need for once”-

How terrible is that- one of the worst things I could be going through right now and I still couldn’t put myself first.

Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

But slowly things have started to change, I am no longer worried about having to go home to clean or cook or pick up Colton every day and so that leaves me with a few more hours to do things for myself and although my mornings stay fairly consistent, my day to day has really changed – I took a solo trip to Ikea, I walked around every room and just took in all the quiet- the drive was probably my favourite part- no where to be, and no 7 year old child yelling at me to put “loud night” on lol- and even though I have done that drive about a thousand times – everything seemed so fresh! But that is part of the problem, we simply cannot live in the moment, when we are at work we fantasize about being in warmer climates and when we are on vacation we worry about all the things we aren’t doing while we are being “lazy” on a beach somewhere, I still stressing out over things I know are not getting done at a job that isn’t even mine anymore -  we dwell on intrusive memories either from the past or things we may stress about for our futures.  We become mindless that we stop paying attention to the things around us that we should be taking the time to appreciate, we go about our morning routines in a haze because we’ve done it a thousand times and so we stop being mindful.  

Here is what I do know and the only thing I can 100% plan for - my day is going to start at least 20 minutes late hectic from the second it starts and I am going to question if we will make it for the bell (still snap a quick selfie (late or not) because well, it’s me) and as we get there we will hear the first bell ring and he will start running towards door with his little back pack on which is half the size of him and I will casually stroll behind him because I know he is going to get half way there and run back for a quick kiss from mama (leaving him even more late, lol) and then within a few seconds he is gone I can tell you that chaos is my favourite part of the morning (HE is my favourite part of our mornings) - But the need to have a plan or at least have an idea of what to expect used to consume me at least 23/7 (yes, even when I am sleeping) and I would be lying if I said my anxiety didn’t get the best of me every time I found myself in new environments/situations without having a plan of being there – I can say I may not have this down pat yet, but something I am working on.

So finally, last week Andrea, Ankush and I went to Toronto to check out this place called HideSeek they call it an “immersive pop up experience inspired by childhood nostalgia” and let me tell you- its description meets the experience- from 90’s pop music to rooms full of beautiful childhood colors like pinks, whites and oranges I felt like a kid again (and going with Andrea and Ankush just made the experience that much better) Ankush, beside being just a really good friend is also an amazing photographer who was wonderful enough to take some photos of us while we explored this indoor adult playground-the rooms were all really interactive and we were the only people in there so we took our time and among 600 beautiful photos to show for it the three of us had a BLAST, I have not laughed so hard in years – and the moments he was able to capture on film are a serious reminder that being mindful and humble and appreciative for the moments we are in happens to be SO much more fulfilling then always planning the next step.

So, to answer the question above, how do you become more mindful? It’s simple really, you give yourself your own 30 minutes of caffeinated bliss - a “real life recess” – whatever works for you! 

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Biden will be Biden?  Just an opinion-based off facts!

“Bite your tongue and watch what you say”

“If you don’t have anything nice to say – then don’t say anything at all”

Or my favorite “be nice” which really means be tolerant and accommodating and if we are brutally honest with ourselves it means “doing whatever we have to do to keep the peace” I heard it growing up a million times “don’t ruffle feathers, Jenna” but to me it all meant the same “don’t be so darn assertive, vociferous, opinionated and loud”

How many times have we stopped ourselves from really saying what is on our minds because we fear our voice is not worth being heard? Why are we so afraid to tell someone they are doing something wrong or to change their behavior? Reality is, we just don’t think our opinions matter, unless we come with some sort of title like CEO, Vice President or “Owner”.  

I have been so guilty of “minding my manners” of being the “nice girl” - I was always so consumed with how the “judges” saw me – I always wanted to be known as the girl who is easy going, approachable and friendly but with that came a girl who was afraid to simply just be herself - I blogged about it last week – how some way or another we were always looking for validation – living for someone else’s gain…. And how we become watered down filtered versions of ourselves to fit society, but let me tell you something – there is no right way to live your life, there are no answers, no “life for dummies”, no one else who can live the life you’re living better then you and so when choosing your battles remember that you are the one who has to live with the consequences of the decisions we make, even the hard ones that almost break us.  

I read a quote today that said “the power of owning our own stories, even the difficult ones is that we get to write the ending” - how fucking true is that and as I was reading that I was listening to CNN and  happen to hear a broadcast about how Lucy Flores has come out with an article  regarding allegations of inappropriate behavior from Vice President Biden, I sat there listening to her story, my eyes were glued to the TV so proud as a women and someone who experienced sexual harassment myself, that she has come out to say “he has a problem that is clearly not being addressed”  and from what I am seeing more and more women are beginning to stand up for themselves regarding sexual harassment for example Harry Weinstein, Jian Ghomeshi, Kevin spacey, Connor McGregor, Brett Kavanaugh have all faced national headlines- in fact 263 powerful men (CEOs, actors, politicians) have been accused of sexual harassment since 2017 and I stand in awe because that conversation has started to change and everything little girls are being taught about biting their tongues and not saying anything out of turn is changing –

Flores said in an interview “I would be lying if I said I didn’t carefully consider all of this before deciding to speak, but hearing Bidens potential candidacy for president discussed without much talk about his troubling past as it relates to women became to much to keep bottled up any longer” –

I am still trying to understand this, this has been happening for years but because this man has the potential to become president NOW the conversation is worth having?

Now it is worth warning the public –

Now, it’s a problem?

NO, it was a problem prior too him considering running for president-

Flores went on to say that although people were aware of his disgusting behavior it was not being taken seriously from the perspective of the women on the receiving end of that power dynamic and I just can’t imagine that there was never a time where someone said to him “Mr. Vice President, you should probably stop doing that, you should probably stop touching women in that way, you should probably keep your hands to yourself”  but she made a valid point when she said “there is no clear path for what to do when a powerful man crosses the line, and that in politics you shrug it off, smile for the cameras and get back to the task of trying to win your race”- However even outside of politics I think this is a reality for most women! It certainly was for me and the more I read this article, the more I could understand where she was coming from and why it had taken her until he considered running for presidency (2020) to speak up - She felt because he was her superior she didn’t have a voice, stating that she didn’t have the language or the outlet to talk about what happened.  “Who do you tell? What do you say? Is it enough of a transgression if a man touches and kisses you without consent, but doesn’t rise to the level of what most people consider sexual assault?” – she did what most women do when faced with these situations she moved on with her life with this nagging at her everyday - knowing full well that if it happened to her, then it was happening to other people as well- she even went on to say it was never about his intentions in that moment but women on the receiving end, it wasn’t the first time where he had acted inappropriately – but he claims he was not aware of his actions when It has been noted that his behavior has been seen as completely inappropriate towards women - there were photos of him kissing the senators wife on the lips, pictures of him getting close to young girls, nuzzling the neck of the defense secretary’s wife- dude…you have had articles written about your “open secret” but yet you were not aware, Biden has used his position of power as a reason to be exempt from the rules and even when he went from being every bodies favorite uncle to creepy uncle Joe it came with an implied level of acceptance that is NOW worth talking about.  

The fact is, this process is not an easy process – the emotions you go through daily, the demons you fight – replaying the scenario in your head over and over until it almost seems like normal behavior, you almost validate their actions.  I  have allowed someone to make me question myself, wondering if I was doing the right thing, I argued with myself daily if what he did was really that terrible or if people were even going to understand how it actually affected me mentally,  At first you think “she just wants attention” and then you hear them all try to justify someone else’s behavior,  “so what, he only asked to see her naked!” and then there is “Do you really want to put yourself out there?” “he has more money than you, more resources to fight you” “are you sure you didn’t misunderstand” or recently my favorite “it’s not that big of a deal, it happens all the time” add on to the fear that my credibility would be attacked leaving me vulnerable and second guessing my decision and it almost becomes easier to live in silence then it does with everyone else’s opinions looming over you! But now, looking back a year and speaking from my own experience I didn’t speak up out of fear of retaliation, fear of being told I was wrong, I know the power of patriarchy -I know what men can do when they are angry. 

Now I have people digging into my Instagram and social media accounts pulling up photos as if that excused his behavior, using my confidence to discredit me.  I am a smart young women, I went to college but I was still manipulated and coned into allowing this behavior to happen not even having the strength to stop it and you can’t help but wonder if it was your fault, I think I was guilty of telling myself that because of the way I look it was just expected that people just treat me that way- and I justified it.  But the shame is not mine to hold- and what Flores did was take the power away from the predator and placed it back on the victim.  

And now, the Vice President is on live TV making jokes about receiving consent from people before he so much as shakes their hands…it isn’t funny, and you look like an insensitive jerk.  Biden has referred to his mannerisms as “affection and handshakes”

What in the actual fuck…  “affection and handshakes” …. Here is an Idea

Don’t be affectionate with someone that

1.       Doesn’t see it coming or

2.       Doesn’t welcome it… women were taught to learn their boundaries at a young age, at what age did we teach men or have we not yet?

He has been quoted saying “I have offered countless handshakes, hugs, expressions of affection, support and comfort” but doesn’t believe he has acted inappropriately. He went on to say that if it is suggested he did so, that he would listen respectfully- but that it was never his intention (although I give the man credit for making it a point to listen)  but the fact is that man had the audacity to put his hands on someone else- whether he felt she was willing or not, he was in a position of power that he never should have abused….(sound familiar) even as her superior he worked for her and in that moment- as his employee her needs should have far exceeded his own personal needs as a man.

So, Flores is now being called BOLD for coming forward…

“BOLD”

Are you kidding me?...

That was brave, authentic and powerful- that was more than just bold…that was probably one of the hardest fucking things she had to do- to face the public and admit that she felt enough shame to keep that to herself for as long as she did out of fear of what people might say or if people will even believe her.   Because when we teach our children, especially our girls to be “nice” instead of self-aware, which means self-directed, self-governed, self-boundaried, we teach them that it is more important to tolerate dysfunctional behavior than it is to be true to oneself and stand up.  

I speak from experience, I allowed things to happen and just chalked it up to a man being a man…I accepted it as normal behavior, that in some way I asked for it- but then you hear other people talk about their experiences and you realize that simply being pretty or attractive is not an open invitation… being told to use your body to book fitness consultations or gym memberships is not ok, its actually demeaning – yes we are guilty of using the phrase “sex sells’ but at what cost… so someone can “accidently” grab your ass as they walk by – let me remind you incase you have forgotten having someone put their hands on you for any reason without consent, is not okay….and if you are an employee that is experiencing those things please don’t wait for your boss to become the president to speak up – you have a voice and I can assure you that once you use it, you will feel empowered. Little girls do not have to be taught to bite their tongues or play nice, we do not need to be taught to share – we should be taught to be warriors, lionesses – powerful as all hell!

To all the people who stand up and speak out, you are teaching people how to treat you and you should not be ashamed of that.

She ended her article by saying that she understands that Biden has not officially broken any laws, but that the transgression that society deems minor (or doesn’t even see as transgressions) often feel considerable to the person on the receiving end. That imbalance of power and attention is the whole point- and the whole problem!  It is a direct response to that arrogance and bullying and that show of power that says – we won’t be silence!

So I want to leave you with this thought- just because you don’t believe that you have done anything considerably wrong doesn’t mean that the context of it wasn’t taken a different way by the person on the receiving end, and maybe if your behavior was owned and apologized and possibly changed you wouldn’t be in in trouble with the very people you are trying to impress.

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Unapologetic - Confessions of an Imperfect Human

It is unpleasant and disturbing to be rejected.  It is deeply satisfying to be accepted – Stephen Covey

That word “validation” has become so tainted for me, reminding me of my obsessive need to feel secure in my decisions both personally and professionally, a year ago I would have told you that all I wanted were for people to like me, that growing up in the light leaves you desperate to always be the best, to make people aware of what meals were brought to the table, A year ago I would have told you that every move I made was dictated by people I trust edand someone who never had any good intentions for me at all – but as he was my superior, the person who held my professional growth in his hands- I wanted his approval – and with that came the desperate need to make someone else happy, even when it didn’t feel right for me and for that the word validation became tainted, it became an addiction and I quickly developed the need for more, I wanted to know that I was doing a good job and that all the work I had been putting in was paying off, not even realizing that my entire decision making abilities were taken over by my need for approval by others- I sacrificed my own ambitions and life to have the approval of someone that in the end, their approval and validation meant Shit!!  And you can argue that you are not part of the 100% of man kind that has asked to be validated in some way- but reality is there are common behaviours which we all fail to recognize as approval seeking.  Sometimes these behaviours are used as tactical compromise to maybe keep the peace or maybe the situation is really not that important to you – you still don’t believe me…allow me to list 5 and tell me how many you are guilty of –

-          Changing or softening your position because someone appears to disapprove.

-          Paying insincere compliments to gain approval

-          Feeling upset, worried or insulted when someone disagrees with you

-          Expressing agreement (verbally or non-verbally) when you do not agree

-          Doing something that you do not want to do because you are afraid to say NO!

Guilty Guilty Guilty…

Let’s try 5 more…

-          Failing to complain when you have received poor service, or a product not fit for purpose

-          Spreading bad news and gossip to gain attention

-          Asking permission when it is not required

-          Pretending to be knowledgeable or an authority on a subject because you are afraid to admit that there is something you do not know

-          Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments and/or getting upset when they fail to do so

Ladies, we ask for validation when we go shopping with our friends and come out to show them or take a selfie to send to them to help us decide, recording artists seek validation when they put their music out there by having listening parties and sending teasers out to radio stations- and  parents question their own decisions when it comes to situations regarding their kids so they turn to facebook groups that are made up of thousands of strangers who all have their own opinions on what is  considered norm for raising children these days and we think that those are the people qualified to co-parent our children so here we are -all guilty of it- all trying to get the same thing from one person or another- Validation- and yet we think that we shouldn’t seek it because maybe we are considered to be self centered, or self absorbed or maybe simply seeking it leaves us vulnerable to outsiders trying to change our behaviour to favour their needs…my therapist however has convinced me to perceive the word differently –

To break down what the word actually means -

1.       the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

2.       the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

3.       recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

In this case all 3 are the same for me – I received some incredible news last week and when my therapist asked me how I felt about it I took a deep breath, sighed and said “validated, which is terrible to say-but exactly how I feel” Puzzled with my answer, she went on to ask why I thought it was “terrible” for me to feel validated and without hesitating I said “because that word is tainted for me” and she asked me to explain- 

“you see Susan, taking a stand against sexual harassment, putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable, open and raw should feel “terrible” and hearing the things people had to say about me was draining and it made me question everything, I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong, how this all happened- replaying it over and over so much so that that terrible feeling almost became a part of me - but when I got that letter I felt (as I took a deep breathe) “validated” considering for the past few months I’ve been told I needed to be quiet and knowing that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen next scared me so I did exactly what society told me to do- Change but now for the first time since having come out about “Surviving Wall street” someone heard me and it was finally being taking seriously, it feels amazing to have some control back because for the past year I have had none, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster”…and I went on to tell her that for the first time in 6 months,  I slept!

And she just smiled at me – and we sat there quiet for a minute and she made me realize there is a human need to feel validated, that we are pre-disposed to it, because as we’ve grown up we were taught that our feelings should be validated, our dreams encouraged and sought after, our actions whether it be at the office or at home acknowledged not for what you can get in return but for the effort that was put forward in general – it isn’t what we are asking to be validated for that should change,  it’s WHO we seek validation from that should change- as CEO of your own life you should be the only person who can validate your emotional well being maybe then we will no longer feel the need to seek validation from men, or our bosses or coworkers or even the random people we see on a day to day basis… We were taught as children that a man can either make us or break us and somewhere down the road that conversation started to change and it wasn’t until recently that women have realized that they don’t need to be validated by any one person and in fact, peoples opinions mean nothing!

I am not even kidding, since the beginning of time (my time, lol) I can remember us (women) altering our behaviour to seek the validation of a man…and how we continue to do it well into adulthood, parenting and so much more- maybe without even realizing it or maybe for reasons we are yet to understand. I am thinking about the women who are going out this week and trying on new shirts for the occasion, desperate to put forth the best first impression - failing to realize that underneath that perfectly applied make up and brand new shirt that she is probably never going to wear again is a down to earth, confident girl who just needs to throw her hair in a pony tail and just be herself – because at the end of the day her personality is her best asset (and you can look super cute in work out clothes too)  

Or me, for example- the mama who calls on the 3 strongest and most fierce women I know when I feel the need to be validated  - I call my mom when I need my mom (which is almost everyday lol) but when I wanted to file with Human rights my mom was right by my side  and when I need  that level headed person to talk me out of something - I call my sister because she always gives the best advice and when I need someone to rally with me because my own kid needs to be validated I call my mother in law because without a doubt she always has my back! But without those 3 women I would be left questioning my every move as parent- especially with so many parenting opinions out there these days from breast feeding to circumcision to even how we educate our children- you cannot make a move without the whole world watching, and when the whole world is watching you become terrified to actually be ourselves out of fear someone might have something to say again not only when it comes to being a mama but being a wife or even a woman in general, it’s ridiculous how we change our behaviour, how we adapt our mannerisms, our appearances and our thinking to fit the social norms of today and how we are left with watered down and filtered versions of ourselves- manufactured to fit other people’s needs. 

I posted a photo the other day with the caption  “Andrea said “just fucking post it, because you look bomb”  -I really struggled with making the decision to post it so much so that I stopped myself a few times from making it public, but to be honest I really needed her to say that (not only as a friend but a mama and wife as well) and so within a few minutes of her “validating” my desire to post it, I posted it and while It was the first time I posted something that showed a little more skin (classic sports bra and underwear) it felt empowering and it was no longer a scary thing -  I have always been confident enough in my body to show it off “curves for days” as I am told, something I have always been super embarrassed about and ashamed of but this photo was different, this photo made it clear that I have learned to embrace every so called flaw – it showed off how much progress I’ve made both physically and mentally and in one picture you could tell I how much I love my body just the way it was and my husband certainly didn’t have a problem with it being posted (you’re fucking hot” he said lol) The reason I was against originally posting it was simply because it was not “socially acceptable” for me to post something with that much skin (when I am a mom and a wife) even though my bathing suit is considered perfectly acceptable to be photographed in. This goes back to all 10 of those unconscious approval seeking traits that I mentioned earlier, in that moment of self doubt I was guilty of ALL of them and I felt more concerned with people’s opinions of me. “I can’t post that Andrea, do you know how much shit people are going to talk, the disgusting messages I am going to get” all I could think about was that my bother in law follows me, my 15 year old nephew, a few students from work have found their way over to my page and I know that given my circumstances where my desperate need to be liked has landed me in position that is not ideal, I was worried about how it was all going to be perceived…

”She only posted that for attention”

"She just wants the likes”

“Wow, I can’t believe she just posted that”

Before it was even made public I felt ashamed of my body, ashamed of how proud I was for how far I’ve come, ashamed that I wanted to show it off because lets remember just wearing pants with holes in them was seen as an invitation for unwanted sexual advances and I couldn’t imagine the comments I was going to get with that photo being posted-because from my experience, men cannot seem to keep their desires to themselves (even when they legally need to) but let me tell you something- among a few gross and now blocked messages- there were some incredible comments that just made my heart so full and reminded me that my social media is not for anyone else but me and that Andrea was right, I did look bomb and I knew that- and that was actually the only validation that I needed in that moment, the confidence I had to wear that proud - I needed a reminder that you all are guests on my page and have chosen to come there, to follow me and in the end I need to be proud of the content that I decided to put out there that I had control of the message that I was sending to women- so I wanted to share a few of those incredibly kind messages that were sent to me in hopes that you all realize that validation does not need to be tainted- if used correctly “validation” can be inspiring as well.

“You’ve come such a long way since I first met you Jenna, the most important thing was with then and now, you’re smile. Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re amazing..never forget that” – T

“I have been watching your journey for a while and you are inspiration, keep going.”

“you look amazing girl! How much weight have you lost? Keep killing it”

“Girl, you look mint. Soak up all the good feels, you deserve them”

“You look amazing Jenna!! I’m so jealous. How do you manage to look toned and fit and still look thick (in a good way) you’re body is my dream girl”

As I said earlier, there is a message here…. We do not need be ashamed of our bodies, we do not need to be ashamed of being proud of them, we do not need to be ashamed of wanting to show them off and we should be allowed to do that.  90% of the comments (and somewhat dirty comments/messages) were from the women who felt inspired by what I had posted- who made me feel amazing in my own skin- who “Validated” my desire to post that photo-  I have been working non-stop these past few months on personal growth, I have taken time off, started meditating, started therapy and grew (and shrank lol) in so many ways… It has been a roller coaster of emotions lately, all for many different reasons but when another woman takes the time out of her day to leave a comment as simple and as beautiful as

“Your confidence is radiant”

Then you can’t help but feel confident, and radiant and like you can take on the world (or a person) without feeling guilty of wanting recognition for it -  just make sure it is from the right people, seeking validation from the wrong person or even social media can lead to destructive behaviour even without us realizing we are doing it!  And something else to remember – women stand taller when they build one another up- so be a fucking pineapple and stand tall baby- women supporting women is a whole new way of life!

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Boymom- It’s an experience not a description

Boy: (Boi)

1.       The wildest of all animal

2.       A noise with dirt on it

3.       Most precious to their mothers!

Mom: (Mam)

1.       Hero that does whatever it takes to get shit done

2.       Absolutely never wrong about anything. Ever!

“You’re crazy” – I have heard that about a dozen times leading up to this weekend but mostly from parents as they happily dropped their children off at what has turned out to be a “thing” two years in a row. But here is what I learned this week about being a little crazy – It makes for one hell of a time.

I’ve always had a thing with parties, as a teenager my birthday was a month long event that usually ended with some sort of party (which was the benefits of living in the country) my sweet 16 went down as one of the best parties of the year – and probably one of the best memories looking back and but now parties and holidays are no longer about me, which is fine (I guess) but they’ve become about everyone else because I am so busy putting it together- because Christmas Cheer and birthday parties would not exist without someone creating it and I can’t remember the last time “Santa” left a gift under the tree for me (which maybe puts me on the naughty list.) Either way, I’ve admitted it before I am guilty of being that mom who totally goes over board for Colton – his birthdays, Christmas, Easter – even Valentines day the kid expected something just because he exists but honestly, I obsess over it.  

We celebrated his birthday 4 times this year – I am not even joking and not because I found it necessary to eat that much pizza, cake and ice cream (although I will not complain) We come from a family who are all separated- This means 4 nannies, 3 grandpas, 2 great grandparents, 3 aunts, 4 uncles, 6 cousins and 21 kids from their class all within the last 14 days.…. I am going to let you all process that for a second because I am not sure I have even processed it- I had nightmares about never ending birthday parties last night lol.

But I have the secret for surviving being able to pull off the party of the year without going bat shit crazy….

are you ready for the secret?

Find a mama who is just as crazy as you are and suddenly your crazy won’t seem as crazy lol!

I just so happen to have found a mama that is not only pretty bad ass herself, just as obsessive over her kid and guess what- just as crazy, if not crazier then I am! lol But she has a son named Logan (who is also pretty bad ass) who just so happens to be best friends with Colton who just so happens to be born 5 days apart from on another and when they aren’t getting mad at one each other for butting in line they are completely inseparable-

Kayla and I along with the boys (and without-which usually includes sangria and apps lol) have made some pretty awesome memories from waterparks and splashpads to family zoo trips and demolition derbies but I have to admit my favourite have been the last 2 years where we have combined the boys birthday parties and not only cut the costs in half but realistically the work- last year we had a smaller party of about 12 kids (at my house) with a magician- the theory was that they would stay upstairs in the attic where all of the toys were (WRONG btw, lol) and any of the adults who were brave enough to stay could hang out in the kitchen and graze the abundance of food they Kayla and I seem to always make- Better to have more, right?

This year was a no brainer to do the party together again, so when the boys birthday started to creep up we started to explore our options, but as they get older birthday parties get really expensive, we looked into sky zone which is about $400 for just the venue alone and we still needed to feed the minions, not to mention it was capped at 8 kids. Kingpin was slightly cheaper but again limited to 8 kids and anyone additional was about $10 each and that left us at picking and choosing who the boys would want -so we thought about maybe hosting it again at my house? but last year I swore off multiple children running around playing tag in my house and If I am being honest I didn’t have it in me to host it, so Kayla suggested the indoor soccer field where it holds up to 30 people, was perfectly priced and didn’t leave us picking and choosing kids - not to mention it came with an hour of running around on the soccer field. But birthday parties at 7 are so different then birthday parties at 5- it used to be family and close friends and their kids because up until JR kindergarten they aren’t running in any circles but then all of a sudden they have little friends, and in our case- girlfriends – and with our kids, although they are in the same class they have different friends as well so when it came to who to Invite how could we not invite the entire class- yes, all 21 of them…and the theory behind that (which we should stop doing because we are NEVER right lol) was to invite everyone, thinking not everyone will come…. Absolutely not the case lol they all showed up and let me tell you this- I have a new found respect for their teacher…any teacher actually- and I thank you because when every single one of them were screaming at the top of their lungs around the party table and it was me against 21 wild lions, you’re clapping method saved me- and I had a brief moment of silence to say what I needed to say.. but it was brief…let’s not get excited here

Lol- they went back to their regularly schedule screaming directly after.  

What we learned from last year was that the children did not stay in the attic with all the toys and fun, they wanted to run, and jump on my bed or up and down the stairs and that putting the candy out at the beginning of the party was seriously not the brightest idea- and this year we used it to bribe the kids into a group photo! Lol  We thought this year that providing a massive soccer field was just a brilliant idea and for many reasons it was, but we did not account for the multiple soccer balls being kicked around or the 32 year old man (aka my husband) who forgot he was playing with a bunch of 7 year old’s and lets just say Colton got a soccer ball to the face! (way to go dad) lol but honestly with very limited injuries- we survived and without alcohol – not to say we didn’t drink after!

So yes, “Crazy” was warranted, but is it crazy to want to include every single child when kids these days already struggle to fit in- to teach them at 7 to be inclusive – and Kayla and I struggled with the girls vs boys thing because many of the girls have been in their “circle” for 3 years now and it was impossible to not include them even when both the boys were against the girls coming (for about 5 minutes) I said it at the beginning, being a boy mom is not a description-it’s an experience and you kind of just have to go with the flow- where as the girls were more easier to deal with and just wanted to run wild, one of the boys told me he touched poop….while his hands were behind his back…. I’m not even joking – and outside of laughing a little I simply asked him to wash his hands and moved on- because it’s an experience Lol

Many of the parents though once they realized Kayla and I had it completely under control did comment on how genius it was to combine the party and I couldn’t agree more- the best of both worlds in my eyes!

I have to say watching them play together almost as if it was just a regular gym class was pretty neat- even with the 2 hours full of “I’m thirsty, I’m Hungry, and I need to go to the bathroom” and Kayla tied the same little girls shoe about 12 times because apparently we don’t use Velcro anymore lol but honestly – It was complete organized chaos and was a gentle reminder on why I only have one child and not a small army! They were cute but I was happy when 2:30 rolled around and parents started showing up to claim their children! Lol

I love being able to do those things with Kayla, these two have become such a huge part of our lives since we all met 3 years ago and although the boys fight like brothers and sometimes the waters get a little high they have always worked through it and Matt has even accepted that he has 2 wives and 2 children lol but honestly we are so lucky to have them!

One thing we did learn from this year though is that with 21 children and in my case 4 nannies, 3 grandpas, 2 great grand parents, 3 aunts, 4 uncles, 6 cousins comes with a mountain full of presents that truly is the last thing this kid needs- I could probably open my own toy shop with the amount of unopened boxes of lego, robots, cars and so much more- and if we could have changed one thing it would have been instead of bringing a present to have each child bring 5 bucks that the kids could have donated or put together and done something for their class- something I think we will try next time, that is if the boys don’t outgrow double birthday parties!

6 was a real treat- here’s to 7 and whatever experience is next!  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Rose Notes:  32 Chapters “Cliff notes” Style

I love social media, I like meeting new people, I like getting to know them and connecting over the things we have in common so I thought it would be fun to lighten the mood a little with a blog about myself – 5 random and fairly well known facts about me, with a little twist to each -  My life is pretty open I believe there are 32 amazing chapters, each has taught me something about myself that it makes this book worth reading, or for some of you – skimming! (or judging the cover) but the fact is social media is meant to be user controlled - it’s what the user wants to portray, the “life” the user wants published- the user’s narrative. I’ve said it before that some people use social media for their marketing other to grow their E-commerce portion, others use it to display their photography and personal trainers use it to sell their services and I have seen some people make a career using it – although I agree social media can open up a lot of shade however there is a benefit that not everyone is comfortable taking advantage of.  

I think the obvious things people ask when they are getting to know someone are the basics- where are you from, what do you do-what’s your sign- the obvious who what where kind of thing (Canadian girl and Cancer btw, lol) I also have 1 sister, she is 3 years older and a mama of 5 amazing kids- Noah 15, Madison 14, Violet 12, Jilly 7 and Eli who is 3- my favourite color is purple and I love old school chick flicks like Dirty Dancing and the Body Guard- Whitney Houston was my idol growing up and the reason I starting singing in the first place – My grade 1 best friend Kristy and I used to choreograph routines to her music all the time and would perform in front of the class (lol) seems so lame now but she was so much fun and I can remember even at 6 years old how carefree I was!

Which leads to fact 1 –

Fact 1 with a (neat) twist- I love the stage, I grew up singing at such a young age that it almost all blurs together, but there are a few things that I was able to do that I remember clearly- I remember starting singing lessons at 7 years old with a teacher named Mrs. King- oh my god she was terrible but she got the job done – I started competing in competitions when I was about 8 with songs and routines from Disney and YES I had costumes and YES I have pictures- I even managed to inherit the nickname Mad Jasmine because I was Jasmine (A whole New World) from Aladdin and Danny had just beat me again for the 10th time, he was actually really freaking good and beat me every year until we were like 13 lol ) And if you ever tuned into Chym FM on Christmas Eve and listened to the Kids Singing Christmas carols – that was us and my first taste of being in the studio and since then have had many!

Shortly after that it was larger competitions, bigger stages, larger crowds like star search which held its main event at the London fall fair every year ending with auditioning at Canadian Idol 3 years in a row (until the Canadian version was cancelled lol) but in between all of that I was lucky enough to audition for local theater and was an extra in a movie that starred Glenn Close (which was shortly after her role in 101 Dalmatians and really cool for me to be standing 50 ft away from her.)  A lot of this time I spent travelling with my mama and she even stayed over night in line with me when I auditioned for Canadian Idol lol I have loved music since Whitney Houston wanted to Dance with Somebody and true to nature still plays a huge role in my life today!

Fact 2 with an (interesting) twist- I am married, but did you know that I could have been raised as his cousin and how completely different my life would have turned out?

When I was born on June 28th there was another mom in labour at the exact time in the room beside my mom- thinking back 32 years the same precautions we have now when a baby is born were not in place and I was put in the arms of that other mother and a baby named, Rhandi was placed in my moms- after debating the identity of us children we were switched back and I assume I went home with the right family (I look an awful like my mama) but growing up I always knew the story as it was often used against me when I did something wrong or when my mother wanted to make joke about who I really belonged to, but who would of thought that in Grade 9 I would meet the girl I was almost switched with AND have her quickly become one of my best friends and although I never met him prior to when we started dating, I some how ended up dating her cousin who is now my husband, Matt – and as we always talked about in high school Rhandi and I became family, and the family I could have grown up with as my “aunts, uncles and cousins” are now my mother, father, sister and brother in laws! Lol

Fact 3 with a (sad) twist- I have a 7 year old son named Colton, he is in Grade one and seriously the funniest kid ever, he is smart and clever -I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that I was going to have a strong willed child, independent like his mama- ready to take on the world- and he sure proved it when he came into the world 6 weeks early and absolutely perfect-   the doctors told me “he knew he was in distress and he put you into early labour” and I remember them telling me how Lucky I was – but pregnancy was tough for me– I was sick ALL the time and there were so many close calls where I thought we weren’t going to make it to the end (and we didn’t) and that fear of going through it again terrified me so much so that we put off having another child until I felt able to handle being pregnant again-

After many years of being asked “when’s the second one or worse, what’s taking so long” it got harder to hide the sadness of admitting we miscarried twice and after what seemed like years of trying with no success, I was recently diagnosed with Endometrioses and told that chances are another baby just is not in the cards for me anymore –

so, I have to admit that I still have not come to terms with that and it’s absolutely heart breaking to know that that one thing a women is supposed to do is something I actually can no longer do but as people have told me I have hit the jackpot with Colton, he is such an incredible child and I am really lucky to be his mama and my sister in law is pregnant and I will get my fair share of baby snuggles in July when we visit them in PEI!

Fact 4 with a (career) twist – I went to school for Interior Design and have an obsession for everything houses and renovations. I own a 115-year-old century home that is true to all its character- mind you It has been in renovations for the last 2 years but it’s beautiful and I am obsessed with all the original wood! I thought for sure I was going to have a career in real estate, when I was 20 I had a 5 year plan to go through school to get my license but 20 year old Jenna fell in love with boy, moved to London and just kind of settled into his life –He broke my heart lol, and I ended up moving home about a year later and I got involved in the fitness industry when I met a girl named Marta, we quickly became friends and she introduced me to 6 am work outs in the park, squats and the burpee bottle- which is like fight club…We just don’t talk about the burpee bottle. Shortly after that I started working with Anytime Fitness and I have to admit I knew nothing about the fitness industry short of what Marta had taught me, but I had a passion for sales and social media and it happen to work well in my favour, I moved up quickly and had so many amazing opportunities not just in my career but in my personal life as well, The first time I ever got to travel outside of Canada was with Team Bazely, we went to Nashville for a conference, as a team we toured the city, the recording studio where Elvis recorded his albums and ate at some of the most incredible restaurants- I heard stories from Keni Thomas who survived Black Hawk Down and Elizabeth Smart who was kidnapped at 14, survived and lives to tell her story! I got to experience my first burlesque show, I leaned to line dance in a 3 story bar and Shannon made sure I got to sing in Nashville, even if it was in a dirty dive bar at 2am just before we were about to make the 11 hour drive back over the border, I also experienced my  first “hangry” episode where once again, Shannon saved the day and supplied salads for the rest of our trip, but honesty I learned so much about the industry and about what being apart of a team was like - I can remember that being the week I really fell in love with the fitness industry - I also got to travel to Lake Placid, New York for another conference where I partied on the Olympic ski slopes, set 2 Guinness world records with over 2800 clubs worldwide, Represented Canada and carried the Canadian flag into the Lake Placid Olympic Center in front of thousands of people!

I experienced bobsledding first hand and met so many amazing club owners and staff members- I even got to watch keynote speaker and YouTube sensation Gary Vaynerchuk where we were first introduced to Rick, But I also had the opportunity on many occasions to meet the CO-Ceo’s of AF and pick their brains – they had a way of making fitness fun- I remember it being 12am sitting outside of my hotel room in Lake Placid with another Manager from a club in Arkansas and Chuck and Dave walked towards me, I said hello, they called out my social media handle “look it’s Canadianrose” which may not seem like much BUT with over 3000 clubs worldwide and thousands of faces in the crowd they recognized mine - I met some amazing people and in a round about way I found Zumba which as I have mentioned owns my heart, and where my next venture is going to take me – working with that team taught me so much and played a huge role in who I am too, and indirectly opened doors for where my passion lies and although it may not be interior design I am in control of marketing, social media and the complete design aspect of what’s next and I am allowed to be creative!

However, outside of working with Anytime, I have never travelled but I am dying to go somewhere warm!  

Fact 5 with a (reality) twist – I am not only what you see on social media, I am a human being with feelings and someone who is really struggling right now to do what’s best for herself- which hasn’t always proven to be easy.  I have started therapy, it was necessary for me to ask for help because I am having a hard time finding who I am. But what I am that is never going to go change is that naturally charming girl that I talked about months ago, my experiences that I have mentioned above have curved my path and have contributed to who I am today- I own that and I am confident in my own skin and the decisions I have made, I am bold enough to call someone on their bullshit, I have the strength to take on an already failing empire just to have my voice back and you simply cannot match what I bring to the table – and I am confident enough to eat alone-and I am confident enough to portray the real me on social media and in real life going forward and throughout whatever venture is next!

And to answer the above 2 truths and lie- I do not drive a Mercedes!

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Moving Mountains

This mama let loose this weekend and after fighting so many different emotions I had ranging from excitement to anxiety over what I was going to wear I am going to admit something- it was one of the most rewarding and fun nights that I’ve had in a really long time and so different then the bar nights I’ve had in the past, you know-before becoming a “wife” a “mom” and a “boss” before responsibilities and excuses -I feel like those three words have defined my very existence this past 7 years (which Ironically as I am writing this, is my 7 year anniversary being married) I mean let’s go back exactly 7 years today -I got Married and within 24 hours I was in early labour and days later Colton was born- 6 weeks early, but absolutely perfect and within a week of one another I not only became a wife, but I became a mother and to say I was not prepared was an understatement –I got used to having everyday with him,  you spend every second of those 12 months off work catering to that child’s every need (just as you do becoming a wife, I think they call it the honeymoon stage) but when you’re a mom,  your life becomes about changing diapers, freezing breast milk, rocking them to sleep (night after night), Multiple loads of laundry daily and if you’re lucky you get about 4 hours of broken sleep a night while your significant other sleeps soundly beside because you’ve been up nursing your baby back to sleep…(for the third time) But with that being said, it is one of the most amazing experiences and I am grateful for it.  But at some point, life shifts- suddenly that 12 months is over, many of us forced back to work, our kids go to daycare for someone else to take care of and then you find yourself in this cycle where everything and everyone is on your plate, but you!

You don’t even realize the sacrifices you make –

I don’t know about you mama’s but I LOVE my kid – like over the moon, to the ends of the earth (watch him while he sleeps) I would do anything for him kind of love and I have never experienced that kind of “obsession” over someone before – but let me tell you that love is real, I mean how could it not be I carried the kid for 7 months- we went through hell together, we bonded for 12 months, 24 hours a day …for 365 days and then my time became limited with him and someone else got it – I want to selfishly spend every second with him I can- its totally unhealthy, I know-but a reality for me. I am a mom with anxiety, a mom who almost lost her baby, who cannot have another baby, and to be honest I kind of just wing it and now I am just a mom who never feels like she is doing enough – the pressure is as a real as the love is– obsessive. So when I tell you I went out, without guilt for the first time in probably 7 years you have to believe me when I say it was kind of a big deal- This mama took shots!....

I have never really been a drinker, (and for those who have seen it, thankfully don’t have video proof lol) but I can remember in my 20’s I was never really into the whole bar scene, I had more guy friends then girl friends and spent more time playing pool and poker, because the guys I hung out with never really wanted to go out and “shake it” the same way girls do, I was just never one of those girls who grew up with a huge group of “girl” friends (I maybe had 2) and it wasn’t until my 20s that it started to change, but by then Matt and I were in a serious relationship and bar nights were becoming none existent without one another attached at the hip, but I think that is common– couples don’t do things separately, because it isn’t normalized – and I think as we get older the idea of actually going out to the bar sounds unrealistic and exhausting – I mean,  we are too old for that shit right? The bars are full of 20 something year old’s who really only want to get drunk and go home with one another and to be honest the idea of having to stay up past 9pm on a Friday night is what sounds exhausting, and are you going to have fun if you don’t drink like you did in your 20s? and if you do, remember how much hangovers in your 20s sucked, think about how much worse they are now at 32 – so we don’t, we talk ourselves into staying in and we settle for wine tasting on our couches or pints at the local restaurant while we over eat and feel shitty after about 30 minutes of being there, when all we really want to do (and maybe I only speak for myself as an overworked wife and mama and boss) is to get out and let loose – without responsibilities!  

A couple months ago my life changed, the table flipped and admittedly I was in a really bad place, I knew that the one thing I needed to keep in my life was fitness – whether it was weights or Zumba, so I joined Planet Fitness and I have to tell you how much I fell in love with the people (the members and the staff) – how comfortable they always made me feel, how clean it was- and well managed- it feels like home! But I want to talk about a few people specifically – the first person I met  when I joined was this beautiful soul named Shanice (aka Sunshine/Baddie 1) she is the face I see every morning when I walk in after dropping Colton off at school –she is sweet and genuine-with a heart as big as the sun, she has such an old soul that I could listen to her tell me stories all day long, she has become apart of my mornings and it feels so weird to not see her – she’s all smiles, all the time and it’s contagious!

Then we have Jenny, oh sweet, funny Jenny (AKA, The GM lol, Baddie #1 lol) – just badass… you can jut say it like it is and she GETS it -all of it, there are so many similarities in our lives that I feel like I can tell her anything and she won’t judge me. I cannot even put into words how much she has contributed to the personal growth I have had or if she even knows how much she means to me!! What she thought was the littlest thing meant the world to me- for those who know me, know how much I love to dance, Zumba owns my heart and when I left my job I left any opportunity to dance – Jenny went out of her way to have the furniture moved around at the gym for me to dance so that I didn’t have to miss a beat – and she has talked me off some pretty tall ledges.  

– and then Andrea (Baddie 3), I stalked her on Instagram for months before we finally got to meet (as every great relationship starts, right?)  – it was one of those right places, right time kind of things where I fan girl’d a little, and when I realized how down to earth she is, we instantly clicked- she inspires me everyday to get moving to follow my heart– she is not just fitness goals she is life goals- she’s an entrepreneur, smart as hell and always in my corner-you can’t fake her kind of genuine.  

How lucky am I that when I am at my worst I meet 3 powerful women with 3 powerful personalities and powerful stories that in return has made me feel powerful- I truly believe that your tribe will dictate how you view your days, how you set out to conquer your goals, how you own your mistakes, – the amount of laughs that have come from being around these 3 outweigh the universe – I can almost guarantee you that these girls have changed my life- and not that I didn’t have the support of some incredible women up until meeting them, My best friend, Kayla means the world to me, she has been my compass for the past 3 years, our boys met in Jr Kindergarten, they happen to be 5 days apart and best friends themselves–Kay is the girl (and I say girl not friend, because she would give the shirt off her back to a total stranger) but anyways she is the girl that would pick up the phone at 3am when you just cant sleep and need to talk or offer to sleep over when your husband is off working nights and you feel a little lonely – I could not do life without her, she has that whole beauty and brains thing going, sassy and incredibly confident in what she brings to the table - she actually made me realize (as she has said many times before) that a soul mate does not need to be a “relationship” – it can be the people that you surround yourself with on daily basis that fuel your fire- that make you feel that along side your tribe, you can climb any mountain- Kayla has been climbing them for years and the difference here is that her girl tribe is fierce and in return she is fierce, I envied that- I wanted that! 

Imagine that though, women supporting women without expecting anything in return.  These 4 women, among my mama, sister and mother in law (and many other strong ass women) have been without a doubt the most supportive people I’ve had in my life right from the day I’ve met them and supportive all for different reasons, but this week specifically I needed a night out and these girls delivered on a silver platter, short of dancing for 3 hours straight, friday night was about us girls it was about empowerment and letting loose and being the mama’s that we all are we had to adjust to not putting our babies to bed, or being in bed ourselves- we allowed ourselves to be “selfish” for one night and let me tell you, it was kind of badass Lol – and sweet little Shanice, wasn’t sweet little Shanice when bootylicious came on and Jenny needed to block baby gap from sneaking a peek! It wasn’t about going out and getting “lit” – it was just straight up fun and even though I wear a few different crowns I am still allowed to have a little fun without feeling guilty or like I am abandoning my job post and honestly what better day to do that then on International Women’s Day – where not only where we VIP but treated incredible by the staff, why you ask because we happen to know another badass woman whose son owned the bar, so let me tell you again how empowering that was – and completely the right women to spend my first “girls” night out in years with.  I met these girls (and Miss Alexis Martha (baddie 4)) for a reason- my last post I mentioned that I always felt like I was putting this 1000-piece puzzle together and I am realizing now that they have been such a huge piece of it – of my healing… my personal growth, my strength … And suddenly these past few months I have felt like I am more then just a wife, mom or boss- I feel human and as important as everyone else is and what they have made me realize is that I can still be the best wife, mom and boss and still be a baddie (lol)

I am not saying that you should grab your closest girlfriends and spend every Friday night at the closest bar what I am saying is exactly what Kay has taught me, your soul mate doesn’t have to be a man – it can be your girl tribe- whether it’s a wine tasting on your couch, a slumber party, a movie or just Appys and sangria make the time! – go out and enjoy every second of it- it isn’t selfish to do things that make you happy with people who set your soul on fire- surround yourself with it, because in the end you will move mountains too!  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Judge and Jury

Pardon my absence, it feels like life has been moving at such a fast pace that I haven’t even had a second to sit down and write even though there is so much happening around me that I could leave me writing for days, but I am in one of those Wife, Mom, Boss kinda moods lately where I think I can juggle the world – when in reality the balls are flying all over the place and the 16 I think I am juggling right now have simply become 16 new balls that I didn’t even realize were being thrown in the mix.  (Pardon my many ball references, if your anything like me you giggled at least once when you read the word balls, everytime lol)

So here I am, about 36 things going on in my head and all I can think about is (a glass of wine) and how I have let the last 6 weeks go by without even realizing it - I have become complacent with how things have been because I have been scared- I have done absolutely nothing to get me where I want to be in my career!  With that being said- I have mastered the art of homecooked meals, and healthy lunches…Colton has been on time for school now about 95% of the time and I have been able to give myself at least an hour everyday to make sure my own needs are being met and let me tell you, that’s a really hard thing to do when you have 36 things going on and the kind of anxiety I do about never feeling good enough - It can really prevent me from being able to just let go – it also prevents me from being about to maintain those relationships with people that I so desperately want to fix but am just to exhausted from pretending to be the version of myself that they all used to know and right now to a lot of people I am just this girl who is obsessed with the gym and taking selfies for attention on social media or so I have heard!

I read this quote the other day:

It has me really thinking about how quickly people can change, or maybe our change is so subtle and takes so much time that people don’t even notice.  Truth is, I am not sure when I changed, I can tell you why, but I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started to pull back and after a while time just kind of blurred together and before I knew it the things that used to make me happy no longer gave me any joy.  

I asked my therapist (and yes, I totally admit that I have started therapy) if there was something wrong with me that the only thing lately that has made me “happy” is the gym? The routine of it- the atmosphere, the people? She told me it was quite the opposite that considering what I have been through with the fitness industry, she felt it was a positive thing and seeing it from her point of view it makes sense- there is a overwhelming feeling of power you have when you gain control over your body, over the way you view it, the way it moves, the way it feel and looks in your clothes- every girl has felt it -  am I not right…

Mama’s who just had their babies and finally fit back into their pre-pregnancy jeans or the girl who wants to loose 10lbs for summer ends up buying a new Bikini to rock on the beach….that feeling fucking amazing and we are ALL guilty of it, but some of us just show it a little different, if you follow me on social media then you know I embrace the curves, I promote a healthy body image, body confidence, every shape and every size but because of that and the content I post it comes with judgement- (which I am learning to care less for) I have actually been told by someone that “not everyone cares to see my face everyday”  - Okay, true- not everyone does BUT some of the content I do post does Inspire and motivate and educate people in a way they are not able to do for themselves– I used social media when I started out in the fitness industry too to gain my own inspiration and motivation and even now when I need Zumba inspiration Social Media is exactly where I turn.  

I am going to confess, I am addicted to that feeling, that proud, in charge of my own life,  accomplished and healthy feeling that I have going on lately and I think every girl should experience it- every girl should want to show off their bodies in a natural way (tasteful) and I’m not saying show the cheeks and rack up the likes, I am saying that posting a photo that you feel confident and sexy in gives you power and presents a sense of confidence about yourself that studies have proven to be an attractive and appealing trait in someone- a trait that could potentially get you that promotion, out of a speeding ticket, through a presentation and it even allows you live a happier life because you simply see yourself in a different light, you don’t need to seek validation from anyone else - but here is the problem with social shaming, it can create doubt and can take someone right off track with their health and wellness leaving them feeling shame and afraid to be themselves because not everyone is accepting of their lifestyle – whatever their lifestyle may be…  and I think if we allowed ourselves to be the judge of who we are, then we should also be confident enough to be the jury.  Imagine a world where there was less self doubt, think about how our children will grow up.  My 15 year old nephew is questioning right now whether or not he made the right decision, it put him in a terrible position with his friends but from an integrity stand point – from being a decent human being stand point he made the right choice to warn a friend that he was going to get hurt by some of the kids he thought were his friends- I wrote a blog a few weeks back that was titled “The world needs more kids like Noah” – Ironic right now because it couldn’t be more true- and in the blog I wrote about how I envy that kid for knowing exactly who he is at 15 -then I did even at 25 and I just hope that he doesn’t allow what happened to change him, that he doesn’t allow the other kids in his class to be both judge and jury for a decision that he made- I hope he keeps his power and remains humble and confident in who he is. But, being the topic of rumours whether its high school drama, work gossip, social media bullying (shaming) or even a brief disagreement within your friends can be scary to face and without even realizing it you’re in fight or flight mode and you aren’t sure what you’re next step is- or worse know who you can trust and for Noah,  his next steps at 15 are going to be the deciding factor on how he views high school for the next 3 years, believe me – I lived it!  

Have you ever experienced something that has changed you and left you wondering why it happened- but deep down you know you’ll never that get that answer and so you’re left just kind of putting the puzzle together without having the picture on the front of the box for guidance- gawd, it can be so frustrating - its like a man who doesn’t stop and ask for directions – you’ll get there eventually but you’re going to make a few wrong turns first before you do (lol) – I have so many questions that I am never going to get answers to and for months I’ve been working on this puzzle that I’ve found myself racking my brain over, trying to piece together when, where, why, how – and I failed to realize that finishing this puzzle isn’t going to make me happy, or make me any more whole- if anything, it’s probably one of those 1000 piece jigsaws where one piece is missing.. and it’s just going to piss me off even more when I put it all together and realize a freaking piece is missing.  I think it’s time I clear the board- realistically none of this is in my hands anymore and there is no more control over what happens next and the best thing I can do right now rather then ask questions (that I know I will never get the answer to) is to live the best damn life possible without the worry of what any one thinks- being less afraid to be that wild and reckless girl to step on toes.

I want to be BOLD and unapologetically myself, not just tell everyone else to be authentic and raw and then fade into the background so afraid to be myself- worried that big brother and sister are watching- but guess what eyes have been on me for a long time now and I can confidently say that I was not born to be anything less then simply amazing and the best thing I can do right now is invest in myself.  I’ve been asking the wrong questions this whole time,  I should have been asking myself “what I needed” to be ok – I told my therapist that I felt like I was on this hamster wheel that was just going around and around and around and I couldn’t find a way to stop and get off – She asked me what I felt the first step would be to at least slow it down and honestly I couldn’t answer her question – besides taking the step to see her I am clueless on what do to get off this stupid wheel.  

Isn’t that a scary thought though, think about it, there are books on taxes for dummies, computers for dummies, numbers for dummies, gardening for dummies but no “life for dummies”…And no where in school was I taught to life, And I am scared for my future considering that I don’t even know how I am supposed to feel right now– damned if you do and damned if you don’t –Look at Noah.

Either way any decision you make has a consequence whether it effects you or someone else in the decision making process and unlike playing Sims when I was 15 there is no “back” button …there is no “Undo” – all I can do is live my best possible life- even with the 36 other balls I am juggling-I have said it before you can’t pour from an empty cup-you can’t live a happy and fulfilled life if you can’t accept who you are as a whole, if you aren’t comfortable in your own skin and doing things that are loyal to you, confident in the decisions you make - so find a way to make one of those 36 balls your tossing around, you – live your life, make your mistakes and don’t let anyone take you off your path – because if you allow someone else to be your judge and jury you will forever live your life the way they want you too- Quietly.

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

DON’T fake it until you make it!

Until recently I would have told you that self love is made up a few moving parts- taking an active interest in what makes you happy (and doing it) and embracing the glorious messes that we are all known to be – to feed those insecurities and build them up to turn them into our biggest assets and most importantly to be so incredibly strong and unapologetically yourself no matter what the peanut gallery has to say – and for someone who preaches self love on a daily basis I am here to tell you that I have gotten it COMPELTELY wrong and although I may have encouraged some (if only one) to maybe love themselves a little more to celebrate their every “flaw” (because you are the only one who sees it) I have failed to realize that self love (care) is beyond skin deep – that self love isn’t just about taking selfies, or going to the gym- it’s not even about celebrating my wins anymore.  

I failed to realize that self love, self care, self anything begins with how we treat ourselves outside of the perfectly staged Instagram photo that is meant to make you think “her life is so perfect” and “she has it all figured out”-

WRONG

She does not have it figured out- its just one of those fake it until you make it kind of things…

We are ALL guilty for it.

But while we are all out there faking it- we are slowly losing who we are and without even realizing it we are causing ourselves more harm then good, and let’s be honest what woman has ever found any joy wanting to fake it–  not to mention the long term effects that not addressing certain feelings, situations, trauma or even certain reactions you may be having can actually seriously f*ck us up and let me tell you no amount of self celebration or selfies can fix the emotional and psychological pain that your body is actually going through internally.

I did not realize how much my own psychological pain was hurting me, (physically) and how bad it has been getting and it wasn’t until recently when I was able to sit down with someone who was able help me understand everything (physically) I have been feeling, I needed to get a better understanding of what was going on inside of me- to be honest, I needed it all to make sense, I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t going crazy- that’s Insomnia during the bad nights or the nightmares when I could sleep was my way of allowing myself to heal, that being exhausted all the damn time or not being able to concentrate or find desire to do anything was a normal reaction to everything, that panic attacks, or edginess and agitation did not define me and if you read that whole paragraph back you will notice that I used the words “I need” a lot, but that’s exactly what I am talking about- THAT’S self love!!! Putting yourself first - I needed something for myself and instead of taking care of everyone else and allowing those feelings to consume me I asked for help- I got what I needed and for the first time in months I am starting to feel better.  

In my opinion (and many others) I have never been an angry person, I get along with many people – I tend to stay positive and find a reason to smile even through the chaos- I am not easily stressed out and I’ve been taught to account for the monkey wrench, but over the past few weeks Its been made very clear to me that I have become an angrier version of myself, a different Jenna most days-and I am not loving Jenna 2.0 or less then 2.0 at this point- my walls have been built so high that the thought of someone near me, let alone touching me makes my skin crawl – intentional or not – how do you think my husband feels when I ask him not to touch me – (when it’s really all he wants to do)

So, you take those things and you relive them EVERY DAMN DAY – your body constantly feels like you’re on pins and needles – your stomach feels like it’s in your throat and the thought of food makes you so sick that you just don’t want to eat, so you don’t- and the next day you feel the same way, and then the next day and then the next until it becomes so normal to not eat and before you know it you’re dealing with an eating disorder that is made to look like a “healthy” weight loss- and once people start to  compliment you on how good you look it releases happy endorphins that you almost begin to chase that high since it’s the only time you feel good about yourself… but guess what, starving your body isn’t healthy and it f*cks with your head and if there is one relationship you don’t want to ruin it’s your relationship with your food - but here we are -  struggling.

Let’s touch on that for a second though- relationships….

Frig have I ever been wrong about this one - Downfall of a type A personality, you see the good in everyone even when the writing in on the wall.

I used to think that everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt - that if you showed kindness in return kindness will be shown to you – but after having met the devil himself I have come to realize that not everyone comes to your table with the best intentions for you.  (If you’re at my table we best be having a pot luck type of feast!)

I learned that the hard way though both personally and professionally and I am still trying to wrap my head around this one,  I have come to realize that I have been afraid to eat alone and that maybe what people actually thought of me means more to me then what I want to admit or maybe it still does, who knows, but since I can remember, I have held onto relationships that have ended up being so toxic for me-that had no benefit to me, I stayed in relationships, friendships, jobs etc  all because I was always to afraid to do what was best for me- I’ve trusted people that never should have known I had a trusting nature and if I am being honest those experiences have left me questioning who I am as a person to the point where I have no desire to even be myself anymore- I just don’t have the energy anymore.

I can honestly tell you- I don’t know who I am supposed to be right now, the girl who smiles too much especially at a man is quickly assumed to be interested in him and if you do speak to a man confidently or with excitement it is again quickly mistaken as flirty and an invitation to pursue you and if you are simply a driven woman who is confident in her own skin then you are open to unwanted advances and considered difficult if not worse for not entertaining them –

Reality check Jenna 2.0 –

someone ALWAYS has something to say - and I get it, that’s life- people hurt people, and sadly it’s usually the ones you end up putting all that trust into but when you’re already your own worst enemy and already questioning your own self worth it becomes easy for them to “win”,  for them to deliberately break you because they have already found what you’re most insecure about, and they won’t hesitate to hurt you, because again the only person at your table that is hungry enough for YOUR self growth is you, everyone else is just there for the snack.. legit.

And if growing up has taught me anything, it’s that words DO hurt and people use them whenever it suits them and those words (and actions, unfortunately) can follow you for days, months or even years before the psychological effects have worn off, if they ever do? I say this because I am living this right now – I cannot shut down my brain-I keep replying conversations and situations that I wish I could have handled differently – so many things left unsaid and there is no closure -  and I would rather someone just throw a god damn stone for once because at least broken bones heal-It’s been months and I am still waiting for the whole “time heals all”  thing to happen that I keep hearing about-  and yes, I am angry that I have allowed someone to take my identity away from me, that I have allowed someone to make me question my own self worth and my own strength and I forgot for a quick second that I am not this little girl who needs saving, that I AM smart enough and strong enough to stand up and do what is right, and shame on them for being the person that needed to break someone to find even a little joy in their pathetic life. (ugh, there’s that anger again)  But honestly I allowed my own lack of self worth to dictate how I spent my last few month – and I am realizing now that although I may look healthier on the outside– there is a storm inside me that is wild and unmanaged and when pushed even just a little bit - what’s left of that small fuse I have is easily triggered and no one wants to be around someone who just snaps!  And to all my friends and family that have been on the receiving end of my anger (which is mostly my husband) I am sorry and truthfully, I hate the person I have become, and I do not blame any of you for feeling the same way!  

Self love or self care is about ensuring all the dots are connected-that you do the things that make you happy all while embracing the mess – encouraging a healthy relationship with not only your food but with your everyday conversations, the people you allow in your life, your interactions with social media, your body image, your friends and family- even complete strangers- you control ALL of that- and for the first time in a while – I am finally taking back my control!  

I am not sitting over here preaching about anxiety or depression or asking for a pity party for myself – What I am trying to tell you is that self love can go way beyond managing those two things and if left untreated, I can assure you that you will live a miserable life and in return will make those around you just as miserable even if you don’t mean to!  If I can leave you with one thought- there is no shame in asking for help when you are no longer able to help yourself! - The first step starts with you!  #findyourhappy

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones:  Just another post about my kid!

“If you continue to defend your child’s WRONG behaviour, one day you will pay an attorney to do the same” - 

I went back and looked for that quote, I seen it briefly-acknowledged it and moved on but then had an experience with my son that left me feeling sour and worried that maybe I have failed him in some of the ways that really matter and so, I thought of this quote.

Allow me to introduce my smart, charismatic, caring and sensitive (not so little) 6-year-old (monster) Kid, Colton. Being an only child with a village of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and second mamas that help raise him, it becomes challenging when trying to teach him right from wrong, and for those of you know me, you know that Colton and I share this special bond, he is a bright kid who from day one has been Intune and aware of what is going on around him but having a bright child comes with a price- you have to be utterly honest with them at all times because an Intune child can sense when your bullshitting them-  and when he is being an a-hole, which lately seems like all the time, you have to be able to find a way of being able to say that without..(you know)…saying it and for the most part I think we have found our flow-is it incredibly honest, yes- Do I call him a baby when he is whining to get his way, yes-Do I ignore him when he is telling me he hates me, yes- but lets remember, he is going to be an adult one day and I want to make sure he is prepared for “life” because one day he’s going to say the wrong thing to his wife and end up on the couch- and he needs to be able to call himself out on his own bullshit too if he ever wants to get out of the future dog house!  

When he was growing up we would make him give us 3 good reasons why he should get what he was asking for and I am worried we created a little lawyer, because at 6 years old Colton can plead his case before his case is even presented and his arguments make for not only an entertaining few minutes but they usually end with him getting exactly what he wants. 

I find myself facing arguments that start with “as a matter of fact” or my favourite “Woah, we should talk about this” as he places his hands up in a calming nature! Even writing about makes me laugh as I smile from ear to ear- so how can you not laugh in the moment!

Having another dominant personality in the house is a struggle- for real!  

Having an aware child also means that you need to be incredibly careful with that you say around them because without even realizing it, I have created a strong child who sadly, may lack empathy and not of any fault of his own- but because our village, somewhere down the line has failed to teach  him that his words can in return be very hurtful, especially to children and how do you even monitor that without policing every conversation he is having, at this point we need to make sure we are asking the right questions and understand when we need to intervene!

Last year, Colton got in trouble for something he didn’t understand he was doing wrong – because the office labeled it as bullying and at 5 he didn’t fully understand what was happening and a year later he still doesn’t and judging by my own experiences you can bully at any age or  BE bullied at any age -  What Colton thought was just a normal interaction between him and his little friend, Mikey was perceived by a teacher as Colton “making fun” of him and instead of taking it as an opportunity to  explain to him the difference- she escorted him to the office where he was left by himself to cry for 45 minutes, he was forced to call himself a bully and in return he left that day with the misunderstanding of what the word “bully” really means.  I am bringing this up for two reasons –

1.        Colton did something wrong that day and I am NOT defending his behaviour - there was a lesson that needed to be learned and the teacher was right to “call out his behaviour, however 

2.       That situation was handled inappropriately and as his mother it was my job to defend not what he did, but what he couldn’t understand.    

Okay, second scenario and the most recent that left me pondering where I went wrong– we are driving the other day and Colton is in the back seat, he says

“Mom, do you know why “Sam” got mad at me?” 

I thought to myself this is going to be good, because I know how kids can fight- but he went on to tell me that he told his friend that he had two yellow teeth and that he needed to brush his teeth better. 

I took a deep breath and said “but Colton, you can’t say that, it’s actually really rude” 

He says, “But you’ve always told me to brush my teeth, so they don’t go yellow and that it was important to have good hygiene”

Okay, fair- I did say that because personally I have a “thing” with teeth and it has always been important that Colton took care of his teeth, so I thought – maybe I am to blame for that one, and this was a clear indication that I projected my own “phobia” onto him and he was only saying what he’s heard, but he still needs to understand that you simply should not say that to someone-

So, thought I could use an example –

“Colton, how would you feel if someone pointed out your dry lips and made you feel bad about it?”

And what he said surprised me, especially at 6 years old – “Well, I would just tell them they are dry and that I am handing it and that I didn’t care”

And it was in that moment I realized that although I have done a good job at making sure he doesn’t care what other people think of him that he lacks empathy for others and doesn’t understand yet that what he says can impact someone’s next 24 hours or maybe even their life.

I remember my first day of Grade 9, this girl turns around and asks my name, I told her “Jenna Sachse” and she looked at me and said “Oh, you’re that Jenna” – and that was it- she never talked to me again, and I did my best to avoid her because she was one of those girls who suffered from resting bitch face, so even the way she said “oh you’re that Jenna” came across as aggressive and she became unapproachable and that’s how I viewed her for years, only to find out- her brother had a crush on me and that’s how she knew who I was and why she asked- but lets be honest, that set the tone for what the rest of high-school looked like for me- and looking back, I’m sorry - girls were bitches,  mean and catty and minus the handful of close ones I was lucky enough to survive it with- I stand by what I just said, girls were mean!  But there was also this time a boy who was younger then me told me I had a big nose- to this day it is still one of my biggest insecurities and I find it crazy how it has stuck with me.  (Or maybe that’s my photographic memory because I remember it like it was yesterday)

But now, I need to worry about my 6-year-old son being apart of the mean “kids” club and let me tell you, I am not looking forward to what high school will be like if in grade 1 he is talking to kids about their hygiene.  He was aware enough to realize he had hurt this boys’ feelings and apologized before even being prompted and I think taking responsibility for his actions speaks volumes about him – but again, it didn’t mean that I defended what he said, there were still consequences!

But, I am sitting here thinking about it and I can’t help but think that its about more then just how they speak to their peers- I know I personally do not appreciate the way he speaks to me sometimes or how easy it is for him to tell me “I am the worst mom, ever” and he gets away with it, he certainly doesn’t speak to the village that way and should he talk back the way he does with me, they often find it amusing or cute because they are not exposed to it as often as mom is- they aren’t apart of nightly negotiations, bath time bargaining or I want that toy tantrums so they don’t necessarily have the same struggles I do.   But is also tells me the kid is aware of his surroundings and knows what he can get away with- Another example, Colton would never say anything hurtful to his best friend Logan, because being an aware child and after almost 3 years of being best friends Colton acknowledges that certain things push his buttons and he is able to show empathy towards that, but it took Colton saying the wrong thing to really understand that.  

- So there is no answer here, I wish there was a magic wand I could wave but its just going to take time and patience- I can promise to never defend his wrong behaviour, it teaches him nothing- But I can help him understand what is appropriate to say and what isn’t, I can teach him compassion and that yes sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can certainly hurt you!  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

The world needs more kids like Noah!  Confessions of a worried Aunt

Low self esteem is a thinking disorder in which a person views themselves as inadequate, unlovable and/or incompetent- I’ve heard it described as self-defeating behaviour, it produces faulty assumptions and negative feelings towards your body and your personality- it can impact how smart someone believes they are or what they can achieve, it can complicate relationships or even prevent you from creating them- low self esteem can leave you feeling secluded and alone.

Over 70% of girls between 15 and 17 avoid normal daily activities such as attending school or going out with their friends when they feel insecure about their looks, or weight.  And I am going to say it because statistically its has been proven but teen girls who have a negative view of themselves are 4 times more likely to take part in sexual activities with boys that they later end up regretting, Why? Because 7 in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up- whether its their looks, performance in school, relationships with family and friends and 20% of those girls will end up facing depression before they reach adulthood.

I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews ranging in age 3 to 15 – all of them with different personalities and each view life so differently and expect such different things, but I want to focus on the 3 middle ones although Jilly and Eli will have to learn these lessons as they get older themselves (however, Jilly is a princess after my own heart - she is our tiny little dancer, born with confidence pouring out of her)

My girls,  Madison (14) and Violet (12)- both beautiful, funny and smart, but school has taught these girls that they are not beautiful, nor smart –in fact…Violet (my sensitive one) recently told me she is being bullied in school – and as she told me this I could see her whole demeanor change- she crossed her arms and covered her body, her face was sad and in that moment I could feel how insecure she felt- and being the nosey aunt I am, I asked… “well, what is she saying that has you so hurt?”  

- her response shocked me!

“He said I was trash”

………..I’m sorry….he….HE said… Jesus, at what age did we start giving other people that power, let alone a “boy”  -  I said “baby girl, you are not trash, you are amazing and you are strong, you are Violet and how you see yourself is more important then what someone says about you”  and inside I am dying because one pep talk from “cool Aunty Jenna” isn’t going to change how she is feeling- one conversation isn’t going to give her higher self esteem….. Where I would have looked at this boy and simply said “ok” – she is compelled to believe him, she is driven to defend herself which gives him power.  I blogged earlier about how we write our own chapters, how we depict our story and I just hate that her chapters are starting out with her not feeling good enough- which surprises me because growing up in a family like ours, there was unconditional love, support and acceptance -  but it goes to show you that you can be loved to the moon and back by your family and friends but if you don’t love yourself you will never ever feel good enough and when things are being said about you that you can’t control, you start to question it yourself, and in that moment Violet thought she was trash … 12 years old and thinks she is trash…how do you fix that?

Madison has entered the world of dating, which if it’s anything like my dating history is going to be filled with adventure, probably some heartbreak, a lot of confusion and questions. Her self worth is going to be tested with every relationship she has whether its with boys or her “girl gang” – I didn’t have the same confidence dating at 14 as I did entering my 20s and there are things I wish I would have done differently and should have done differently had thought I deserved better and even at 32 I am trying to remind myself daily that I deserve better, but maybe it’s a lesson we aren’t supposed to stop learning, and when I talk about deserving better, personally- I am referring to my career and not my relationship, because low self esteem can impact every part of your life, not just dating (or marriage, which it still does and maybe another blog in the near future) – but really,  I just want her to understand now, at 14 that she creates her magic- and that going into high school she has to hold onto the things about herself that she loves and that she can control her insecurities and she can control how people see her -  Ugh both of the girls need to see that.  But like I said earlier, one conversation isn’t going to increase their self esteem, it needs to be a story that is read aloud every freaking day!

Positive affirmation creates the culture you live in, it creates the person you want to become.

And then there is Noah who is 15 – ridiculously funny and so aware of who he is, this kid amazes me – I envy him – because at 15 I wasn’t nearly as confident as he is.  Noah does not let anything get to him - I watch him use his social media to be authentically himself – and the haters, hate but it fuels him to aim higher and he never seems to miss a beat – like I said, he amazes me, but I can’t help but wonder where his confidence comes from, it simply because he is a boy?  How does he not worry about the same cruel things that little girls are hearing daily? Does he not question his weight? Worry about what he is going to wear to school, worry about slut shaming or gossiping?  – does being called trash not affect him the same way as it does my 12-year-old niece or maybe he really just doesn’t give a shit, that he is immune to it – because he knows how ridiculously funny he is and that is enough for him- and if that’s the case the world needs more kids like Noah out there. But here is the problem, things are being said to little girls who are so desperate to love themselves in a society that is still teaching them that a size 2 is the norm.

I think we need to spend more time talking about ourselves (I could teach you how to, I am really good at it) and I think we need to open the conversation (clearly at a young age) that is it okay for girls to love their freckles, their body shape, their brains, their confidence (this list could go on).  That it is okay for someone to form an opinion and to maybe even share it with others (jerks) and it doesn’t mean that it requires a reaction at all.

Self love is not selfies on Instagram or spa days and shopping sprees – self love is waking up every morning and spending the first 5 minutes of your day reflecting on what you are grateful for- reminding yourself of the amazing qualities you bring to the table and acknowledging your shortcomings so that they do not become the things you start to hate about yourself.  I honestly think this is something that should be taught in school, on a regular basis- health and wellness should be taken so much more seriously and I say wellness instead of fitness because it isn’t about being “fit” it isn’t about joining a big box gym to do cardio or loose weight- in fact a girls self esteem is strongly related to HOW she views her body then how much she actually weighs and I would much rather someone have a healthy mindset then have rock hard abs!  It is about having a healthy relationship with your mind, with the words you are using towards yourself, having a healthy relationship with your food and a healthy relationship with your demons (which I am still struggling to do) but most importantly a realization that you do not need to reach perfection to be your own perfect. (perfectly imperfect for the win).

I just so desperately wish anyone struggling with low self esteem (male or female) can find a more positive view of their own self worth, oh and that kids stop being d*cks to one another! 

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Smoke and Mirrors

Fact: We are predominantly visual creatures and although we try really hard not to, we end up judging a book by its cover before even getting the chance to read the first chapter and then we are left walking around with the conclusions we have formed about people because we haven’t even taken the time to read the first sentence let alone the biography which is meant to tell you about the author (cliff note version) You know that mom you just heard yelling at her 2 year old son in the middle of Walmart who is screaming about a ridiculous toy that he wants, when he is only going to play with it once,  well she is also a fulltime nurse who just finished a 12-hour over night shift taking care of our loved ones over Christmas while we are all spending it drinking and eating diner with our families and what about the snap judgments we make when we see a child who is considered “overweight” or someone who dresses differently then we do we instantly draw conclusions without even having an understanding of where they have come from, where they have been, what their stories are and we think it’s just okay to just assume we know anything.   And why should that cover matter anyways? Why do we care so much about what people think of us and why do we let that dictate how we write our chapters?

So here is the reality check, we write the book, we control the narrative and we can change the story. (and you don’t even need to be a best-selling author to write the BEST chapters of your life)

I don’t know about you guys, but I am so tired of being judged by cover when my chapters are filled with experiences and adventure, plot twists and romance, characters that are new and old-  I am filled with mystery and excitement and so much more, we all have these incredible stories  that no one takes the time to read, but here we are creating our masterpieces, our legacies, our chapters and putting it all out there for the world to see, but here Is the problem with that – people only really see (or read) what they want and it can be exhausting trying to get someone see something different–I am perceived as just “a pretty blonde” when I first walk into a room – but this pretty blonde is smart, and fearless – I have a background in branding in social media and marketing, 15 years of sales management and customer service, I went to school for interior design, birthed a freaking child (early) AND have a memory like an elephant which comes in handy when you need it but you wouldn’t think that or know those things just by my cover. (unfortunately) and because I am socially confident and inviting with a pretty face, all those amazing traits that I just mentioned about myself, get lost.

When you look in the mirror what do you see, what is the conversation? Because how you speak to yourself everyday is how you are going to see yourself – and in return how others see you.   You should be fearless and confident- and when you walk into a room of perfect strangers, your smile, your confidence, your fearlessness will give you the cover you deserve one where your biography screams off the page and resonates with people because that is your opportunity to write a new chapter, that’s your opportunity to define your story, re-write your history because if you do,  your voice starts there!

I posted a photo the other day and captioned it “it doesn’t matter what a woman looks like, if she is confident – she is sexy.”

Simple –

yet something we all are struggling to do because there are people out there who without reading our stories and having only judged us by our covers have no issue tearing us down – a little self confidence, a little self love and a brand-new chapter for 2019 can re-illustrate your cover!

Now it’s your turn!

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Confessions of a (failed) New Years Resolution-er

A resolution is loosely defined as a promise to yourself or a decision to do something to improve one’s behaviour or lifestyle in some way during the coming year, but what happens during the rest of the year when we forget what our goals and ambitions were to start with.

You say you want to “eat healthier” but what exactly is your plan?  You want to commit to “loosing 10 lbs” but what steps are you going to take to get there?  You want to become “more present” in the moment but you haven’t even thought about what that looks like, because simply saying you want to do something doesn’t guarantee you are going to do it and sometimes the resolutions we set for ourselves can end up being such an unrealistic and daunting goal that it requires us to break it down into smaller more obtainable goals but the most helpful tip anyone could ever give you is the understanding that change doesn’t happen over night.  

I knew going into this year it was going to have to be different, that I was going to have to take the stories of 2018 and have them become the lessons for 2019.

I am happy to say that I do not have any resolutions this year, I simply have goals within goals and how I am going to get there seems to be the exciting part.  One of the biggest goals I have is to learn how to celebrate the victories that don’t include saving money or loosing weight or eating heathier- I recently started laying my base and this year I am going to build it.  

I want to make it very clear, your goals (or resolutions) should never just be focused around weight loss, money or food – those things will never define you and at the end of the day will not make you feel more fulfilled.  Your quality of life can improve, but it will not make you happy and your grass will never become “greener” and I can’t help but wonder that if we spent less time hating on the things that didn’t happen, maybe we would have spent more time loving ourselves a little more in 2018 - I didn’t loose that 20lbs I REALLY wanted too this year-but my body is in the best shape its ever been in (even at the same weight), my skin is clearer, my hair healthier and I am 100x more productive now then I was 3 years ago when health and fitness was only about the number on the scale.

What a simple concept…water your grass, fill your cup and clap for your own damn self –because if you don’t it will always leave you wanting more or worse, abandoning those resolutions you set for yourself to begin with, which will just leave you feeling terrible in the long run.

So how does one clap for themselves these days with social media being the way it is?  It’s simple really- focus on the victories that set your soul on fire (or at least make you want to take a selfie) and celebrate them- don’t you think after all this time of taking care of other people, you deserve it? But most importantly help celebrate other people’s small victories as well because a compliment, a good grade or a positive work review can cause people to perform better, feel better and help them continue the path they have chosen.  

So here is 2019- the year of zero New Years Resolutions.  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Parenting with Anxiety- SUCKS!

How many times have you picked your child up from daycare, school or better yet your in laws and as you’re leaving they say “he was good as gold” only to realize you brought Satan home, and after hours of arguing over what he is (or isn’t eating) for dinner, screaming for more screen time, refusing to brush his teeth, and being told you are the worst mom in the world you take a GIANT step back and ask yourself “what the F*ck” am I doing wrong so the next night you bend a little, just to make it easier until you just feel like you don’t have any control at all!

One of the most surprising things I have learned in raising a “well-behaved child” is to teach them how to control their own behaviour from a young, you see when Colton is around other people 99.9% of the time his manners are in check, he is appreciative and respectful, he has learned to ask appropriate questions and for the most part is able to control how excited he gets - my husband and I have made our expectations clear of how he is to behave outside of our home so at this point it really doesn’t surprise me when someone tells me that he is well behaved.

Now inside our home is another story, because this is where is comfortable and this is where he is learning to push his limits and as he gets older, he is learning how to manipulate how we respond to him, and when you have a 6 year old live in lawyer who is determined to make his point it can become difficult to stand your ground.  

As a parent with anxiety standing that ground can be one of the most difficult things you have to do and if I am being honest, something I am not very good at, my husband bugs me all the time about how easily I  bend, but I can’t help it- Colton is so cute and he knows exactly what to say to get a reaction out of me. (good or bad, sound familiar mamas?) But that’s what anxiety does, there is this constant need to feel liked by everyone – 2 of the things I struggle with most is dealing with disappointment and guilt- they consume me, and I have no idea how I am supposed to fix that when it is in my DNA.  

I am writing this as a sit outside of Satans bedroom door, It’s just a little past 9pm and bedtime was over an hour ago, Colton and I have a bedtime routine that we rarely break (cuddles in my bed for half hour then he goes to his) tonight I gave him the option of half hour cuddle or he could have a half hour of screen time,  he chose to play his game with the promise that he would not argue with me when it was time to go to bed- Now what do you all think happened? You bet, 10 minutes before bed he tells me he changed his mind and wanted to snuggle.

“But you said you would never let me go to bed without a snuggle” (Guilty, I did say that)

“you’re having fun without me” (guilty, we kinda are! Lol)

“It’s only 9pm” (and we started bedtime at 8pm)

“But it’s the weekend and I don’t have to go to school” (Dude, it doesn’t matter – it’s still bedtime)

“you don’t like snuggling with me” (“well that’s not true”)

Past Jenna would have been all over that -because he has begged an additional 12 times, given me the cutest puppy dog face, told me how much he loves me and promised he will go to bed early tomorrow if I just give him what he wanted tonight and although I knew we were in for a fight, I stood my ground and put Satan to bed!

Well let me tell you, its like the sky fell, the tears rolled, and he tried to bargain his way into an extra 10 minutes and once that didn’t work, he attempted my all-time favourite- reverse psychology

“I am the worst”

“I don’t deserve to stay up”

And when that wasn’t successful it turned into screaming “this isn’t fair” at the top of his lungs, which prompted my husband to have to go upstairs, put his deep dad voice to threaten “big trouble if he didn’t stop”  and every part of me just wanted to go upstairs and bring him down to cuddle on the couch because I just felt terrible that I broke our routine (even though it was his choice, see still conflicted!)

Usually these arguments end with “you’re the worst mom EVER” – which totally breaks my heart!

It always breaks my heart - hurting him, disappointing him, saying no to him, not being able to give him everything he wants or deserves, it breaks my friggin heart -because parenting with anxiety sucks!

This is not a public service announcement trying to get anyone who doesn’t understand anxiety to suddenly get it, and I certainly am not looking for anyone to pity me because for someone who has anxiety I think I am a pretty kick ass mom, but what I am saying is that when anxiety strikes, it prevents me from being the mom I want to be, My thoughts consume me and I am not present in moment and I end up bending because the fear of hearing the words “I hate you” from your child (or anyone you love) is real.  

Here is what I know, there is no perfect solution- medication has never worked for me and I have never been one to remember to take a pill every day so I just have to kind of learn to deal- I have to accept that he is better behaved with other people then he is me, because that is what I have taught him to do and that’s ok. I also must accept that he can’t always get his way, even though I just want him to be happy and I need to accept that this is who I am – a mom with anxiety that is coping with everyday parenting the best she can.  

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Naturally charming with an open personality-

A personality is made up of the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that make a person unique.   I truly believe that environmental factors can play a role in the development and expression of personality include such things as parenting and culture and not only how we were raised but also how our children are raised can depend on the individual personalities and parenting styles of  the caregivers.  (Nature vs Nurture)

I was born and raised on the stage, I can remember being 7 years old, and obsessed with singing, I begged my mom to let me take singing lessons and compete in the local talent shows, I have been lucky enough to sing on the radio, record  in a real studio and audition for Canadian Idol,  I have had confidence since such a young age and my whole life I have been told I had the personality of a beauty queen,  I was ambitious even for a child- and my mom made sure she nurtured that.  She took me to every competition, every singing lesson and every audition.  We did karaoke almost every weekend and I could over hear her talking to the table beside us about her 12 year old daughter that is about to get up on stage and sing a rendition of “Any man of mine” that is going to knock your socks off, she was my biggest fan and she made sure I knew it and making her proud was one of my favourite things to do-We both knew, I was born to be on that stage and we both knew at a young age that there was nothing quiet or shy about me -I truly believe those experiences have shaped my life, my personality, my mannerisms and how I respond to certain situations.   Being a “stage baby” gives you an advantage- I had a lot of amazing experiences growing up and a lot of “training” – but it came with the illusion that I always had to be “on” – I always had to perform – so it just became natural, you always had to be kind, and smile (at everyone), you always make eye contact when being spoken to and you always had to show compassion to those around you, but most importantly, if you want to win, then you never second guess what was being asked of you, even when you hate the song choice!! Bottom line, you always had to have the perception that you are well “put together” right down to your costume, and you learn to play the role.

Now I am not saying that I am fake in any way (although some may say I am) -because earlier we defined a personality of thoughts, patterns and behaviours, so after 32 years of having to be “ON” all the time, I can say, this is honestly who I am “Naturally charming with an open personality” – it can be perceived 2 ways, but lets clear the air - I am the same with a man as I am with a women as I am with a child or even a pet…..This is just who I am, overly happy, and friendly- engaging and ambitious, smart and always the underdog and to be honest I am tired of having to defend it all the time…and I think there is something to be said about a women who is not afraid to be authentically herself and you should never under estimate someone who isn’t afraid to speak their minds!

 But here is why it is worth bringing up, I think somewhere down the line my personality has been in question and if society has taught us anything it’s that a pretty girl, with a naturally charming personality is presumed to be “flirty” or that those personality traits cannot simply just “be friends” with the opposite sex without there being something more and men always seem to expect it… but lets just set the record straight, there absolutely can be flirting with no intention because...reality check, it isn’t always about sex.  

  Have you ever heard a rumour about yourself that just made your skin crawl? 

  A lot of you are probably thinking back to high school when all the girls were fighting over the most popular boy and “Sandra” told “Melissa” that you did this, or slept with so and so- and so on?

Do you remember that feeling of embarrassment, your friends talking about you behind your back, people snickering as you walk by- that feeling of desperation to make it all go away…I used to avoid it all together, just pretend it wasn’t happening, because high school girls can be really mean but here’s another reality check grown ass adults can be really mean too. I am 32 years old (and proud) and have been reliving high school ever since I got into the Fitness industry and let me tell you, it doesn’t matter how old you are hearing some of the awful things people say about you, or perceive about you still hurts- In high school, our instinct was to defend ourselves, we would scream the truth because what people thought of us was more important then our own sanity, but that’s our human instinct, to try and convince someone of our honesty and our integrity at best we defend our honour.  

Here is the best thing I have said all day ….  I am over it…I am over trying to defend everything I do, because the rumours people are starting about me, are their insecurities and not mine!

 But for those of who want to, believe it, believe whatever you want about me- I am cool with it- because at the end of the day I know who I am and one- or two-people’s misconceptions about me is not going to leave me without sleep!

Sounds kind of aggressive to really say that out loud, but how incredibly rewarding to be able to finally find that peace!

So, I will leave you with one final thought and one of the biggest reasons I am not willing to bend in my personality for anyone-

Over my years of experience and growing up in an industry that demanded perfection even at age 7, our first impressions are highly influential, despite the well-worn admonition not to judge a book by its cover. Within a tenth of a second of seeing an unfamiliar face we have already made a judgement about its owner’s character – caring, trustworthy, aggressive, extrovert, competent and so on

I would rather spend the first 10th of a second of a first impression being “naturally charming with an open personality”