alitwebster

[alitwebster]

The term "scared of water" didn't sit right with Ali, neither did "scared of storms". It wasn't fear, that he felt deep in his core. With each wave that came crushing against the rocks of North Berwick two years ago, Ali relived a memory his brain had taken years to bury. With each mouthful of water he'd have, Ali wondered if that would be the one which would make his lungs implode. Now, Ali barely tolerated taking a shower, and would often make it as quick as possible, not being able to enjoy it as much as he used to. He hated that pit in his stomach that settled and never went away. He hated refusing pool days, or saying no to a boat tour, when he knew they were a big part of your identity. You were practically born on a boat for christ's sake, and he wasn't even able to bathe. So no, maybe things weren't all that great. Ali wasn't doing all that great. He wasn't lying when he said he was okay, he was, considering things. He managed to get out of bed, go about his days, and sleep a few hours. He was fine, and would be okay, with time. But everything felt hard, and he had to put in so much effort to live a normal life. "I know you're here. I just ... don't know what to say ? It's weird, thinking that it was "just" a storm, that it was nothing big, but at the same time, being so afraid something like North Berwick can happen here as well ? I'm always waiting for something. I don't know how you can help... We can buy a small night light, if you want." Ali ended, smiling. "But I'm not sure how we can solve things in my case." Soon, Ali laid down on your knees and sighed, playing with your hand. " I do try to talk. There's just this, well this storm, going on in my head, and I just get busy trying to fight it. I forget you're here too. I'm sorry." @aindreisblythe

In an ocean of despair, you were the standing lighthouse. It didn't feel like this two years ago. It did not feel like there would be light to see in the middle of the great night that his brain felt trapped in. When he got trapped in that cellar, and saw the water filling the small room up with each second that passed, Ali saw himself die. He screamed before he accepted that this day would be his last. However, when the branch that was blocking the door was removed, and Ali and his friend were evacuated, he had to reconcile his brain with the fact that he had cheated death. When the water came tingling his eyeballs, Ali mixed his tears with the spoiled water and felt his heart tear in his chest. It was too late. The feeling of being both dead and alive shattered him in the hours, days and weeks that followed. Taking a shower became just as hard as climbing Mount Everest, and a rainy day transformed into his worst nightmare. Even though his skin didn't bear the marks of his past, Ali still felt the power of the hose against his naked skin. He had forgotten it for so long, feeling it again, and with such vivacity, was too much for anyone's brain. So his didn't survive. This storm in East Haven wasn't like that. Ali didn't almost die, he didn't drown. It was still a storm, and although he'd never been scared of them before, they now created a sense of danger that lasted for days and days and days. Today, Ali woke up with a sense of urgency. Like something bad was about to happen again. What he brushed off as simple anxiety stayed with him through the day though, and he didn't realise he was giving you the cold shoulder. He didn't mean to, at least. No, he was simply in his head, searching for some kind of relief, something that would alleviate the pain his mind felt. "Hm ?" He turned towards you, tired eyes and pensive look. "Oh. Okay. Nebula." Even though he recognised the sign, he didn't automatically react. It took him a few seconds to take a deep breath and actually gather his thoughts. "I think the storm scared me more than I would have liked. I erhm... I don't feel so good. Like it's still happening, you know. Some of it's still happening up there." Ali replied, lightly tapping on his temple. "But I'm okay. I will be, I mean. I just ... need to process. Can't believe I've come to hate storms at 36 years old..."

[alitwebster]

Ali laughed at your suggestion. He could do that. When one saw Ali stare, you couldn't quite decide if he was thinking or about to fall asleep, so the people sitting at the tables would surely be uncomfortable. However, you talked just before he had time to put this plan into action. "Hm ? Oh no, don't worry. But erhm... You know Andy ? I'm not sure he's mentioned you before. I mean I have no idea who you are, I'm sorry. But yeah, Ali. I'm surprised you know what I look like though." Ali arched an eyebrow, amused at the thought that Aindreis must have shown you a picture or something. "It really is a small town, eh ?" @elodiexmorgan

Shame, Ali thought he'd gotten here early enough not to have the end of afternoon rush all coffee places went through. Sure, when he got there, the queue didn't seem bad at all, but after a trip to the restroom (instead of waiting in line as soon as he'd arrive), Ali sighed silently. He'd gotten behind the last person, watched the line get longer behind him, and saw all the customers taking the last empty tables. "Hm ?" He asked you at first, before his brain and ears could understand what you were saying. "Oh ! Yeah, sure ! I mean, that is if we manage to have a table. Otherwise it's going to be the stairs I'm afraid." Ali joked, smiling.

[alitwebster]

Dear angel face, I'm writing these words as I'm not sure how to gather the strength to say all of this with my voice. You taught me how to sign and we tried to talk multiple times already, yet not enough words could express everything I have to tell you. It will be long, I apologise for that. Bear with me. It will be painful, for I am in pain writing all of this as well, so I can only imagine the pain it will cause your wonderful heart. I love you. No buts. Know that despite everything you're about to read, in addition to the words you're about to read, I love you. I will try to repeat it as much as I can, to serve as a reminder while I lay on paper the things I've wanted to tell you for a while. I'm drowning, love. Once again, I find myself trapped without escape, and I am awfully afraid of not being able to find myself again. Everything hurts. Waking up in the morning, getting up and being alone... Eveyrthing hurts. It hurts even when you're here now. I am angry at you, for not being here, for not seeing that it doesn't require water for me to drown. I am angry at you, for drowning in the cave next to mine. I am angry that we don't talk, I am angry that you don't understand, and I know you're angry that I don't understand. I don't know what went wrong. I don't know if it's us moving here, you going to work, or me just being tired of not having somewhere to come home for longer than a few years. Maybe it's not even about all of that, maybe it's something else entirely and in that case I'm even more lost than I thought. I came under the impression that we would be here together, but we're clearly not. I am here, and you are here. That’s it. We coexist in a world we were not prepared for. I miss you. I love you and I miss you. What hurts the most I think is having the impression that you don't miss me in return, that your new life, although demanding, is so exciting that life by my side has become an afterthought, something you talk about over dinner on the couch and that's about it. I ask about your day and you sigh, because you're tired, or because it's not worth sharing. I would like to know which option to choose. Or is it because I don't have the privileged access to your life anymore ? Am I just a loyal spectator ? Have I come here to watch you crumble under the pressure of work, but being glad to do so ? I don't have access to your life, and I don't know how to make one for myself. I am in charge of moving in, but it awfully feels like I'm putting my stuff in an apartment I do not belong in. It feels like I am stageing your life and I, a mere prop, am waiting for you to come home. It's a lot. It's a lot and just like when you tell me to shut up when I speak too long, I'm telling you that you need to slow down. But how could I ever ask you this, when you took that opportunity ? When you chose to live at full speed because this job, this one, made you happier than the other ones you had ? How could I ever ask you to jeaopardize the life you're working so hard to build for yourself ? That would be selfish. And I am, in a way. Writing you these words.... I know that if you read them, you'll feel guilty, you'll try and do better. I know I should try and do better. Get out there, try some stuff, meet people. I have tried to do that. The night outs, the drinks, they're the branch I'm holding on to not to sink. I know they take a toll on you, but as I said, I'm selfish. I can't see another way. They make me more... tolerable. More fun. They make me get up without feeling so much of that pain I was talking about earlier. I want to go back to Scotland, sometimes. I admit it. I love you. I do. And I won't leave, because I can see you fit here. I will be better. I don't know how yet, but I know we will be better. Bear with me.

That letter Ali had written to you a few weeks back was hidden in one of the books in the shelf. It went on like this, for about four, five pages. Ali apologized, questioned your relationship without being scared for it. He questioned the way you could be better, the way he could support you better, while trying to be himself here. He had never realized he had agreed to come for you, and not for you both. He had not agreed to come, he had agreed to follow. And that was on him. The anger he felt was unfortunately directed at you, and he would later blame himself for that. But through that letter, he kept telling you, again, and again, that he loved you. Time and time again, he assured you that he was angry, but he wasn't not in love. He was angry, but he still thought of the greenhouse, the borrowed scarf, the jacket, the motel and the first time he saw you at the airport. Tonight, he disrespected you, he disrespected himself, and he disrespected your relationship. He hated the life you were building, because such life he didn't want. Your final question brought more tears to his eyes. No. He had thought about it, turned and turned the matter in his mind more than he could bear. He was sure of it. "No, but I think we need help. Otherwise we won't go far like this." Ali admitted, serious voice and serious face. " I don't want to lose you. But I feel like we're not... us." Ali had stopped yelling. His eyes were locked on a detail in the ground’s pattern. All the shouting and the fears and the tears exhausted him, numbed his mind, made his thoughts go foggy. You had to face reality, breaking up was inevitable if you did nothing to avoid it. But you couldn’t break up, right ? You were Ali and Andy. 

Ali didn't have a spectacular kind of love. He wasn't big on movie-like PDA and romantic gestures. He loved quietly, by saying" I love you" when he left for work, by smuggling in bed, by making you your favorite dish. It also meant he loved discreetly, with no effort, and without asking too much. He liked his space, and he liked that you needed yours. He loved how silences had never really been a problem in your relationship.

Ali didn't fall in love with you, per say. In all his discretion and subtlety, Ali first became familiar with your voice again. Then came your smell, which, even tainted with tobacco, he grew to miss. After that, your presence was the last thing he got attached to. That's what he craved the most, surely because it gave him everything else he loved about you.

But then, just when he arrived in East Haven, your presence disappeared, leaving him in a flat, and a city he didn't know. That was fine. He had plenty to do, actually. Finishing up the decorating, emptying up the last boxes. You had left him a huge amount of stuff to do. It should have been their first clue, really, that he had to create a home when you clearly had another one, waiting for you each morning. However Ali built, rearranged, decorated, put away, without blinking an eye. You were busy. Just like you were saying, he knew that before coming here, right ?

After your presence, your smell came away. At least Ali felt like so. He couldn't smell your hair or neck when he fell asleep. He never smelled your failed cooking when he came back from the diner. He didn't smell your favorite soap on you anymore. Instead, Ali smelled his own perfume in the morning, he smelled the diner’s food, and he smelled the cold pillow when falling asleep. Taking back your smell made him feel the most alone. God, he started feeling so lonely, as if you were simply abandoning him.

Day after day, your voice grew scarce. It became voice notes, "sorry I'm late"s on a phone or in a cold ass bed around midnight. 

It then grew silent. Ali couldn't hear your voice anymore. There were no more voice notes, no more hellos, no more apologies. Everything was just so.... silent. If your partner had chosen this silence, like he had so many times during his meditation retreats, then maybe it could have been easier. Now, it was too hard. Silence had a devastating effect on Ali. It didn't matter if you were here or not, the silence had already settled in like a bad infection. When he woke up, you were usually asleep still. Silence. When he got to spend the day home, your interactions got colder and more shy. You were both constantly walking on eggshells, not wanting to make a bomb explode, fearing things would never be the same again. Except that was already the case. Ali kept telling you, things were in such a bad state that you two acted like two angry roommates. He hated that, not being able to talk to you. However, somewhat unconsciously, anger did come in the mix- When Ali noticed you were home during the day, he couldn't think of a sick leave anymore. You were gone for so long, he had grown so used to your absence, surely you weren't here for good. No, anger told him that you had found a way to bring some work home, that you were looking for a way to ease the fights, and that made him resentful. To Ali, you were invading the apartment with worse than a secret love affair. You were disrespectful. And he did not know you to be disrespectful, any more than he knew himself to be

angry and not talk about it.

You could have never predicted it would come out like this, blunted out in the middle of the night, as Ali was sobering up and you were trying to get some rest-Tonight was supposed to be a step towards the night direction. lasted, it was a fiasco.

By the time he was finished talking, Ali was quietly crying, letting silent tears roll down his cheeks. He knew this would only be the beginning of a fight you should have had a long time ago, but he never thought you were this for gone, while ironically being in your own kitchen. 

Ali didn't get to talk for a good five minutes. You were doing exactly what he had done just before and yet he wanted to yell at you to shut up. He hated feeling like this towards you, yet he wanted to yell every time you excused your behavior saying he was warned. God, he hated that excuse even more than he hated being alone.

When you were finally done, the mood had changed. Ali was more sad than he was angry, although the latter emotion lingered somewhere in his mind.

" I know, Andy, that I haven't behaved that romantically these past months, but all your sorry's can't make up for the fact that you have left me alone, all this time. I wanted to come here, with you, I wanted to have a life, here, with you. But we don't. We’ve explored next to nothing together, while we saw many things on our own. I, didn't come here for your work. You did. And somehow along the way, you seem to have forgotten that beside your workload, you took another person here with you. I don’t care that things are hard, I do care however, that you gradually shut me out of that new life of yours, and became all the more angrier when I started doing the same. That is what I hate. That is what I loathe, in fact. You can't excuse all that by saying you 're going to therapy. What the hell ? Good for you, you 're working on yourself, and now what remains of us ? You work at Gemini, on your own. You work on yourself, on your own. Where has that left me, all these months ? Frankly love, I think I could be more cruel. You act as if I am the one making this go wrong, when you've been sabotageing our relationship from the moment I arrived. Don't make me the villain because you have trouble coming to terms with everything that's caused. I don't even know this American city guy you've been pretending to be. Leave if that is what you wish but don't pretend I am making this harder. You're been more than capable of doing this yourself these past months."

As his usual self, Ali was not raising his voice any longer. He was shattered, to tell you these words, to think them. He knew he didn't reply to every word you said, but it was becoming hard to talk without starting to cry again. Ali didn't let you start talking though, and finished his tirade with a few last words. "I don't want to leave, and I do not want you to leave either. I made you the center of my world for a long time, Aindreis, when I should have just put myself. And you should be at the center of yours. May be I am not doing this self care thing correctly, I do not want you to suffer from it, but we can it go on like this." His last words were a whisper. Shameful, Ali started looking at his hands, before deciding on a chair to sit on.

[alitwebster]

"I survived, it's fine. I got scared more than I got harmed. Let's forget about that !" Ali replied, before being taken to the seats. " In terms of ? Sports ?" Ali asked, thinking. "Well, I do a lot of calisthenics. And I run, occasionally. If you consider yoga as sports, then count that in as well. But I tihnk I've never climbed something other than a rock ? I'm clearly not good around water. It scares me a bit, not going to lie. I've tried other stuff, but I think that's about it ?" Ali thought again, before nodding. "What do you offer here ? Like, what's that place of yours exactly ?"

"Totally, let's do this !" Ali replied enthusiastically, when you showed up. "To be honest, I thought you would have forgotten about me by now. It's been so long ! But I'm ready now. Don't be too harsh on me !" Ali said and smiled, not fully aware of what was to come. You met on the streets, when you were handing out flyers. He had no idea what type of person you were.

[alitwebster]

Shame, Ali thought he'd gotten here early enough not to have the end of afternoon rush all coffee places went through. Sure, when he got there, the queue didn't seem bad at all, but after a trip to the restroom (instead of waiting in line as soon as he'd arrive), Ali sighed silently. He'd gotten behind the last person, watched the line get longer behind him, and saw all the customers taking the last empty tables. "Hm ?" He asked you at first, before his brain and ears could understand what you were saying. "Oh ! Yeah, sure ! I mean, that is if we manage to have a table. Otherwise it's going to be the stairs I'm afraid." Ali joked, smiling.

open starter. capping at 3/3. location: patty's cafe.

"Gosh, it really is crowded in here, isn't it?" Elodie let out a chuckle, already having had someone step on her foot because of packed it was. Luckily for her, it was her prosthetic so she didn't feel a thing, sh would just have to brush the print off her shoe as soon as she had more space. She turned to the person next to her. "Do you feel like sharing a table as soon as one gets free? I feel hogging a table on your own might make people give one the evil eye." @easthavenstarters

[alitwebster]

Ali was panicking. There was no better word for it. Maybe he didn't see a tag, that was still attached to that jacket he bought the week before. Maybe he forgot to scan something and put it in the bag. Because the guard was so sure he did something, Ali started to second guess himself. You arrived just at the right time. "There's no proof. The alarm started going off, I wasn't the only one trying to get out, but I was the one being stopped. I'm in a hurry. Thank you for noticing. No need to go full Karen. I just want this to stop." Ali told you, while slowly lowering his voice. " Don't you have better things to do during your day, sir ?" Ali asked the guard, who started interrogating you. "Do you know this man, sir ?"

@counselorapollo

open starter @easthavenstarters

"I swear I didn't steal anything !" Ali implored in front of the security staff of the grocery store. "I'm telling you, this jacket is brand new, it's probably that, do you want to have a look at it ?" Ali asked, completely at a loss about what he had to do. All of this was creating a scene in the middle of the grocery store exit, and he felt so observed he started turning red. As the security guard started to unpack his bag, Ali turned towards you, the first person to pass by, looking for a little bit of support. "Are you seeing what's happening now ?"

[alitwebster]

"They aren't the typical romantic pair, let's say. They're more on the adventurer type, if you know what I mean. Like... Hikers, climbers, that sort of things." Ali started again, following you to the armchairs. " Absolutely not the type to have a massage surrounded with rose petals. Uh uh. But they would sure love to try some original services. The hot stones massage is a classic but they've never tried it. Do you offer any other fun services ?" Ali enquired, thinking Anna, his best friend, would have a blast trying different, never seen before, spa experiences. @demirediz

continued from [here] @alitwebster

Demir regarded the man when quiet curiosity as he reviewed the pamphlet but notably didn't take it. While Demir saw nothing wrong with men coming in for a massage, they weren't his typical demographic. His client base was 92% female after all. Not that he minded, in the least. "Oh, okay." Demir nodded, updated on the man's reason for entering the spa. "We can absolutely do that." He gestured for the man to follow him to a cozy sitting area once he'd grabbed his work-issued tablet. "What can you tell me about the couple you want to gift?"

[alitwebster]

In an ocean of despair, you were the standing lighthouse. It didn't feel like this two years ago. It did not feel like there would be light to see in the middle of the great night that his brain felt trapped in. When he got trapped in that cellar, and saw the water filling the small room up with each second that passed, Ali saw himself die. He screamed before he accepted that this day would be his last. However, when the branch that was blocking the door was removed, and Ali and his friend were evacuated, he had to reconcile his brain with the fact that he had cheated death. When the water came tingling his eyeballs, Ali mixed his tears with the spoiled water and felt his heart tear in his chest. It was too late. The feeling of being both dead and alive shattered him in the hours, days and weeks that followed. Taking a shower became just as hard as climbing Mount Everest, and a rainy day transformed into his worst nightmare. Even though his skin didn't bear the marks of his past, Ali still felt the power of the hose against his naked skin. He had forgotten it for so long, feeling it again, and with such vivacity, was too much for anyone's brain. So his didn't survive. This storm in East Haven wasn't like that. Ali didn't almost die, he didn't drown. It was still a storm, and although he'd never been scared of them before, they now created a sense of danger that lasted for days and days and days. Today, Ali woke up with a sense of urgency. Like something bad was about to happen again. What he brushed off as simple anxiety stayed with him through the day though, and he didn't realise he was giving you the cold shoulder. He didn't mean to, at least. No, he was simply in his head, searching for some kind of relief, something that would alleviate the pain his mind felt. "Hm ?" He turned towards you, tired eyes and pensive look. "Oh. Okay. Nebula." Even though he recognised the sign, he didn't automatically react. It took him a few seconds to take a deep breath and actually gather his thoughts. "I think the storm scared me more than I would have liked. I erhm... I don't feel so good. Like it's still happening, you know. Some of it's still happening up there." Ali replied, lightly tapping on his temple. "But I'm okay. I will be, I mean. I just ... need to process. Can't believe I've come to hate storms at 36 years old..."

Closed for @alitwebster

January 11th, Ali and Aindreis' flat downtown.

Almost two years ago, in February 2022, you'd survived a storm, but barely. Aindreis could still remember finding you in your bathroom, drenched to the bone, shaking like a leaf and trying to hold back tears, unsuccessfully. The water you'd always been wary off almost had you. You'd also drowned. He still felt a pinch in his heart whenever he remembered that the sea he loved so much had invaded his hometown and almost taken you with her. Things had been made worse by the fact that, trying to reassure you, he'd uttered the first 'i love you' and taken it back a few days later in fear that it wasn't reciprocated. He hated to think that, looking back at the past year, you'd barely made progress in your communication.

Aindreis hadn't realised how much this all impacted him. Sure, it'd been a horrible time but he wasn't the one going through the horrible stuff. He'd been at home, on the 3rd floor, reading a book with a candle. But this was all awakened yesterday. Yeah, they'd warned of some wind picking up but you hadn't taken it that seriously. You'd said you needed to go the mall, so you did and Andy stayed at home, working on his computer now that he was back at work. But then wind started getting bad and he just had to go pick you up. He'd taken the car, which he seldom did willingly, and tried to go get you. But between the strong winds and his genuine discomfort with driving, he couldn't make it to destination. Instead, he'd spent the whole evening mopping around, pacing in desperate search for any hint of a connection on his phone, in a farm. Logically, he tried to think that there was no reason anything like last time could happen. It wasn't a flood, it was just wind. But he was spiralling and definitely thinking all kinds of worse case scenario. Especially when it seemed like such bad timing. You were finally making progress, both by yourselves and in couple's therapy. Not even that he thought something horrible happened to you, but last time it almost cost you your relationship, between the fights and your impromptu trip. This couldn't happen again.

When things had calmed down, he'd called you and picked you up. Even after checking everything was alright, he could tell something was off. He was too exhausted to talk about it on the spot and the next day, he was walking on eggshells, which was exactly what you'd promised not to do to each other. So, after your days at work, he'd let himself fall on the couch next to you and put his head on your shoulder. "Is everything alright?" He asked, more prudently than he'd have wanted. Both to erase the hesitation in his voice and counter any fake outs, he added a soft, "Nebula?"

[alitwebster]

open starter @easthavenstarters

"I swear I didn't steal anything !" Ali implored in front of the security staff of the grocery store. "I'm telling you, this jacket is brand new, it's probably that, do you want to have a look at it ?" Ali asked, completely at a loss about what he had to do. All of this was creating a scene in the middle of the grocery store exit, and he felt so observed he started turning red. As the security guard started to unpack his bag, Ali turned towards you, the first person to pass by, looking for a little bit of support. "Are you seeing what's happening now ?"

[alitwebster]

"Totally, let's do this !" Ali replied enthusiastically, when you showed up. "To be honest, I thought you would have forgotten about me by now. It's been so long ! But I'm ready now. Don't be too harsh on me !" Ali said and smiled, not fully aware of what was to come. You met on the streets, when you were handing out flyers. He had no idea what type of person you were.

Closed starter for @marcelvaughn

When : start of January

Some time ago, Ali had promised to come back to the adventure center to experience something other than drowning with one of your equipments. Time flew by, things got rough, and he only remembered now, when he found one of your flyers in a bag he hadn’t taken up again since September.

It was around 1 pm when he opened the door of the center and announced himself with a big hello. « I’m looking for Marcel. We have an overdue appointment. » Ali smiled, patiently waiting for you.

[alitwebster]

Once upon a time, Ali had the same job. He even had his own wellness center, back in Scotland. To this day, going to a spa still felt a little weird, like he knew too much of the inner workings of such a place. However, he remained very polite, and discreet. His therapist told him to take care of himself a little bit. That’s what he was here for. He looked at your pamphlet and smiled. « I don’t think my partner would see a massage as self care. » Ali laughed, and gave the document back. « But I am here for another couple. Looking for a gift, in fact. Could we, maybe, create a package of services they could have in a few hours, I don’t know ? »

Open Starter (cap at 2): Allure Day Spa

"Okay, so currently we have these options available." Demir showed the prospective client a laminated document that showcased a variety of wellness services. Deep-tissue massages being the most popular. "Right now, there's a special discount for a couple's massage up to February 14th." He explained, tilting his head slightly. "Unless you're single.. then I could offer you something else?" Demir didn't want to make assumptions on the other's relationship status, but he figured that fishing for information was fair.. for business.

[alitwebster]

Closed starter for @marcelvaughn

When : start of January

Some time ago, Ali had promised to come back to the adventure center to experience something other than drowning with one of your equipments. Time flew by, things got rough, and he only remembered now, when he found one of your flyers in a bag he hadn’t taken up again since September.

It was around 1 pm when he opened the door of the center and announced himself with a big hello. « I’m looking for Marcel. We have an overdue appointment. » Ali smiled, patiently waiting for you.

[alitwebster]

« Oh then please, go. Jesus where have you learned to be this agreeable? » Ali asked before leaving you and started walking the opposite without saying goodbye. What was the point anyway ? « Hope he chokes on dog hair » Ali whispers to Claude on his way home.

END. @jeremyxlieberman

"And you still need not to be a dick." Ali sighed before getting closer. "Come on, you need some meds. If you don't have any, we're going to see a doc, or a pharmacist. We'll get my insurance working." A new sigh crossed his lips before he sent a text to a friend so that Claude could be picked up. "Out of all the people in town this morning, he had to pick the allergic one. We're not far, I'm not letting you go without having this checked out, or without filling some form, I don't know." @jeremyxlieberman

[alitwebster]

Ali knew you wouldn’t take any shit. But everything was so chaotic these days that he didn’t know if he even knew how to phrase everything.

« Andy and I aren’t doing well. I had too many drinks and I was ashamed. Happens a lot these days. I’m trying to make friends. Because I don’t have a lot here. I’m trying to make a life, because he’s been working non stop and I don’t exist. So I didn’t feel like going home, and I didn’t want you knowing. That’s it. »

Ali shrugged, and got up. « I don’t want you telling me I’m fucking up. I know, but I don’t know how to make things better right now. Let’s just fix the car and keep a smile for today. Okay ? »

@thejospring

You were, indeed, one of his best friends, one of his oldest friends. He liked your presence, and most of all, your honesty. You weren't prone on disguising your thoughts to ease the other's pain. If something was to be said, then you did. He loved that about you, but today, he kind of hated it. Ali had a rough few weeks. Months, really. But one thing he was very good at, was not bothering his friends with all that was going on in his mind. You knew Aindreis. You came for dinner at their place several times, you hung out with them on several occasions. What would you think of Ali, if he told you he got the habit of getting super drunk to avoid feeling lonely ? What would you think of Aindreis ? It wouldn't be fair to talk to you about all that. It wouldn't have been fair to come to your house in the middle of the night. To summarise, he was too ashamed to let an old friend know. Savannah was a newer friend, one who didn't know everything, one he had time to build a whole new friendship. You didn't know this Ali. You had no idea of how fucked up this all was. He couldn't burden you with that. "What do you mean, why Savannah ? I told you, she didn't feel great, so I went to her place. She called me, I had a feeling she could need a presence, so I went." But of course you weren't buying that. So, after a few seconds, when guilt crept up on Ali's cheeks, he finally gave in. "Or maybe I wasn't feeling so great, and given the way I smelled after going to three different bars, I didn't want you to see me like that."

[alitwebster]

"And you still need not to be a dick." Ali sighed before getting closer. "Come on, you need some meds. If you don't have any, we're going to see a doc, or a pharmacist. We'll get my insurance working." A new sigh crossed his lips before he sent a text to a friend so that Claude could be picked up. "Out of all the people in town this morning, he had to pick the allergic one. We're not far, I'm not letting you go without having this checked out, or without filling some form, I don't know." @jeremyxlieberman

Ali was right, though. Claude was never this cheery. He was an old soul, in a tiny body. Maybe the rain excited him a little too much, or maybe he saw you, grey as the sky, and wanted to cheer you up. Ali believed his dog sensed things really well. Whenever he was sad, or anxious, Claude would come and cuddle wherever he could find a comfy spot, as if his presence was enough for a human to relax. But right now, how his dog could sense human emotions didn't matter. He tried to help you, but stepped back when you showed you were clearly annoyed. Oh come on, nothing a good washing machine couldn't fix, right. "I'm sorry ? He made you fall and spill your coffee. I can always repay you that but I don't think I need a lesson on holding a leash. You aren't dead." Ali was annoyed now, too. Then, he saw your eyes getting red. That couldn't be from the anger, right ? You couldn't be THAT dramatic ? "Your eyes. Are you okay ?"

[alitwebster]

"Or chocolate and onion." Ali laughed before getting back to work with you. "They did... I mean, unfortunately, I don't think they'd complain if it was disgusting." Complaining was for the ones who could afford it. However you were both here today because you could afford more, and they couldn't. Ali knew what living modestly was, as he had to do it on his own for several years before he managed to become a Chiro and started making some money. Except not everyone had that chance, so, today, he was happy to be here. Happy to help, but happy to be active in East Haven's community as well. What you were doing today needed to be a collective effort. When the tables were all clean, Ali took two minutes to sit down. "Come, come. Let's enjoy those two minutes of quiet." Ali invited you to sit, lightly tapping on the chair facing him. "Do you smell something weird ?" He asked, sniffing the air just a few seconds after you sat down. He then quickly grew worried. "Is something burning ?"

closed starter for @genhernandez

On a new attempt to be the best version of himself, Ali joined this non-profit a month ago. Truthfully, it maybe have also been a way not to be home much. The reason why didn't matter anyway. He was here to help, just like every other member that volunteered to be a part of the Thanksgiving meal offered to the homeless of East Haven. Ali had been making food for four hours at this point. He'd arrived in the small kitchen of the community center around 1 pm, and started, along other people, by peeling an awful amount of potatoes. Right now, he was filling some bread rolls, rolled up sleeves and everything. It was 5 pm when he got out of the kitchen, tired of the smell of turkeys clogging his nostrils, to go into the large room you would be hosting the dinner. "Want help with the tables ? I'm going to lose my ears from the oven's constant beeping, and my nose is starting to mix pumpkin pie and garlic bread together."

[alitwebster]

Ali didn't have a spectacular kind of love. He wasn't big on movie-like PDA and romantic gestures. He loved quietly, by saying" I love you" when he left for work, by smuggling in bed, by making you your favorite dish. It also meant he loved discreetly, with no effort, and without asking too much. He liked his space, and he liked that you needed yours. He loved how silences had never really been a problem in your relationship.

Ali didn't fall in love with you, per say. In all his discretion and subtlety, Ali first became familiar with your voice again. Then came your smell, which, even tainted with tobacco, he grew to miss. After that, your presence was the last thing he got attached to. That's what he craved the most, surely because it gave him everything else he loved about you.

But then, just when he arrived in East Haven, your presence disappeared, leaving him in a flat, and a city he didn't know. That was fine. He had plenty to do, actually. Finishing up the decorating, emptying up the last boxes. You had left him a huge amount of stuff to do. It should have been their first clue, really, that he had to create a home when you clearly had another one, waiting for you each morning. However Ali built, rearranged, decorated, put away, without blinking an eye. You were busy. Just like you were saying, he knew that before coming here, right ?

After your presence, your smell came away. At least Ali felt like so. He couldn't smell your hair or neck when he fell asleep. He never smelled your failed cooking when he came back from the diner. He didn't smell your favorite soap on you anymore. Instead, Ali smelled his own perfume in the morning, he smelled the diner’s food, and he smelled the cold pillow when falling asleep. Taking back your smell made him feel the most alone. God, he started feeling so lonely, as if you were simply abandoning him.

Day after day, your voice grew scarce. It became voice notes, "sorry I'm late"s on a phone or in a cold ass bed around midnight. 

It then grew silent. Ali couldn't hear your voice anymore. There were no more voice notes, no more hellos, no more apologies. Everything was just so.... silent. If your partner had chosen this silence, like he had so many times during his meditation retreats, then maybe it could have been easier. Now, it was too hard. Silence had a devastating effect on Ali. It didn't matter if you were here or not, the silence had already settled in like a bad infection. When he woke up, you were usually asleep still. Silence. When he got to spend the day home, your interactions got colder and more shy. You were both constantly walking on eggshells, not wanting to make a bomb explode, fearing things would never be the same again. Except that was already the case. Ali kept telling you, things were in such a bad state that you two acted like two angry roommates. He hated that, not being able to talk to you. However, somewhat unconsciously, anger did come in the mix- When Ali noticed you were home during the day, he couldn't think of a sick leave anymore. You were gone for so long, he had grown so used to your absence, surely you weren't here for good. No, anger told him that you had found a way to bring some work home, that you were looking for a way to ease the fights, and that made him resentful. To Ali, you were invading the apartment with worse than a secret love affair. You were disrespectful. And he did not know you to be disrespectful, any more than he knew himself to be

angry and not talk about it.

You could have never predicted it would come out like this, blunted out in the middle of the night, as Ali was sobering up and you were trying to get some rest-Tonight was supposed to be a step towards the night direction. lasted, it was a fiasco.

By the time he was finished talking, Ali was quietly crying, letting silent tears roll down his cheeks. He knew this would only be the beginning of a fight you should have had a long time ago, but he never thought you were this for gone, while ironically being in your own kitchen. 

Ali didn't get to talk for a good five minutes. You were doing exactly what he had done just before and yet he wanted to yell at you to shut up. He hated feeling like this towards you, yet he wanted to yell every time you excused your behavior saying he was warned. God, he hated that excuse even more than he hated being alone.

When you were finally done, the mood had changed. Ali was more sad than he was angry, although the latter emotion lingered somewhere in his mind.

" I know, Andy, that I haven't behaved that romantically these past months, but all your sorry's can't make up for the fact that you have left me alone, all this time. I wanted to come here, with you, I wanted to have a life, here, with you. But we don't. We’ve explored next to nothing together, while we saw many things on our own. I, didn't come here for your work. You did. And somehow along the way, you seem to have forgotten that beside your workload, you took another person here with you. I don’t care that things are hard, I do care however, that you gradually shut me out of that new life of yours, and became all the more angrier when I started doing the same. That is what I hate. That is what I loathe, in fact. You can't excuse all that by saying you 're going to therapy. What the hell ? Good for you, you 're working on yourself, and now what remains of us ? You work at Gemini, on your own. You work on yourself, on your own. Where has that left me, all these months ? Frankly love, I think I could be more cruel. You act as if I am the one making this go wrong, when you've been sabotageing our relationship from the moment I arrived. Don't make me the villain because you have trouble coming to terms with everything that's caused. I don't even know this American city guy you've been pretending to be. Leave if that is what you wish but don't pretend I am making this harder. You're been more than capable of doing this yourself these past months."

As his usual self, Ali was not raising his voice any longer. He was shattered, to tell you these words, to think them. He knew he didn't reply to every word you said, but it was becoming hard to talk without starting to cry again. Ali didn't let you start talking though, and finished his tirade with a few last words. "I don't want to leave, and I do not want you to leave either. I made you the center of my world for a long time, Aindreis, when I should have just put myself. And you should be at the center of yours. May be I am not doing this self care thing correctly, I do not want you to suffer from it, but we can it go on like this." His last words were a whisper. Shameful, Ali started looking at his hands, before deciding on a chair to sit on.

It had been two months. True. However, how long had it been before ? How long had you spent your evenings in the office, getting home when Ali was already two hours into his night's sleep ? How often did you come home late, when it was actually supposed to be date night ? Ali hadn't noticed, because Ali found a new way to not have the impression he was living alone. He didn't think too much of you staying home, no. You could have been working remotely, you could have rearranged your schedule. Ali's mind went on a hunt for excuses, not realising you were home, home. It didn't matter anymore, really. It was too late. When you took your sick leave, Ali was already trying to fill his schedule to the brim, to avoid spending one extra minute in this empty flat. He wasn't part of your daily routine, so why should you be in his ? That was petty, but Ali was tired, and thought the best way to survive this whole thing was mirroring you. Kind of. However, not noticing was his own fault. His mistake. He would realise that, but for now, he was just happy you were here tonight, asking to go with him. It was unexpected, but the thought brought a smile to the man. You know, like these couples in the movies who lost touch and one of them seems determined to reconnect. It felt like that, like something could actually go the right way, for once. Ali wanted to make an effort, but didn't know where to start, so you did. You started. Hopefully, it would last. Being on separate teams felt like dancing with the wrong partners. You were trying to have a moment to yourselves, but each time, someone pulled you in opposite directions. At least for once, it wasn't your doing, but it didn't stop Ali from resenting the fact that you were not going to spend as much time together as he thought. Unfortunately, by extension, he started resenting you. As a consequence, Ali ended up with a drink in his hand before he had the time to find you again. And then a second one. Then a third came and you saw him, before he even saw you. No, he saw you just when you barged in the bathroom, and at this moment, his brain clicked, and filled up with fog. He resented you so much he went on autopilot, although that's no excuse for treating you the way he would in the next few seconds.

« Who do I think I am ? Seriously Andy ? I would love to feel a tiny bit more like your fuckin-‘’

He didn’t have time to continue before you started speaking again. He wanted to shout, to order you to stop talking. He wanted silence. In that moment, he wanted to never see you again if that is how you two would act in the other’s presence.

Weirdly, his silent wish was exhausted, but it didn’t have the effect he was expecting. You left, and the whiplash Ali got from your words still stung his heart so much a tear came rolling down his face. In his mind, two voices screamed at him : anger and sadness. Before any of those two could take over, your partner ran out of the bathroom, shouting your name.

But you were gone.

Like you ve seemed to be for so long now.

However this conversation, if you could call that a conversation, was far from over. Ali didn’t want it to be over. So he quickly said goodbye to Haven and promised he’d be back in the morning to help with all the cleaning. Oh no, you were not escaping. This would be over before sunrise. You would not have this conversation in the morning, however painful it may be.

The ride home helped sobering him up. In the cab he’d called, Ali emptied two bottles of water and ate a packet of peanuts. But nothing truly prepared him for what you had lived a few months back, when your family was in town.

He was met with a dead apartment, like no one was living there. If it wasn’t for the low sound of your body turning in the bed, Ali would have never guessed you were here. Now, the apartment didn’t feel less scary because you were here. On the contrary, anger mixed with fear and prevented him from going any further for a few seconds.

No.

You had to talk. Even if that meant he had to find another place to stay at for the night.

So after looking in your bedroom, Ali went to the guest’s room and opened the door without even trying to be subtle. He knew you weren’t asleep. He knew you enough to know your mind was racing.

« You don’t get to walk out on me like that ! You don’t get to scold me for drinking, when I’ve started to drink with friends because you forget you had a fucking boyfriend ! I came here FOR YOU, I came here BECAUSE OF YOU, I flew across an ocean because you ASKED me to, and now you’re angry because I finally decide that I may finally want a life that’s not just you ? I am not a fucking housemaid ! I am not a sobriety token or a plush toy you get to take wherever you go ! You act like I’m the monster when clearly you were just waiting for something to pin on me ! But guess what ! You finally being home doesn’t mean I’m going back to the months I’ve spent looking at these fucking walls ! Nothing will give me those months back, those months that I spent waiting for you because I felt so alone. You don’t get to shit on me because I have a few drinks once in a while, when the people I drank with helped me during the nights you forgot I even existed !

If you don’t want me being out that much, why don’t’ you start acting like we’re fucking partners eh ?! Pretending like you’re fixing something when clearly you didn’t have the choice to stay home, that’s freaking pathetic. You would have run to that office of yours already if you had the choice between me and Gemini. »

He ran out of breath. Ali was crying, trying to catch a glimpse of you in the dark room. After a few seconds, he went back in the corridor, towards the living room again, and into the kitchen. He needed water.