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3/2
Things I'd like to talk to a therapist about eventually: executive dysfunction, disassociation, do I still have ADHD on top of PTSD, my relationship with food I slept most of today, and then worked. The storm made me anxious, but it wasn't too bad. I do think, with overwhelming certainty, that the way I'll die will be vehicle related, but I love driving. Just not in poor conditions. I haven't really sat down and written something in a long time, this is weird. And very disjointed. I get to go see Jackson tomorrow so I don't know if I'll post. One of his friends reached out to let me know she sent a Save the Date addressed to Jackson and me to his place. It's stupid, but it made me really happy it's actually addressed to me as well, and not just Jackson + 1.
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3/1/18
I think I just invent problems for myself. My work life is finally rewarding, although I don’t make as much money as I’d like, I’ve been out of the house my parents live in for almost two years, I’m not getting wasted every weekend anymore .... so obviously my relationship has to suffer right?
My last real relationship was ... 6? years ago. We were together nearly 7 and he fucked me up something good. I knew he had, but I didn’t realize how much it would effect me getting into another relationship. I’m sure the string of men who only wanted to use me for sex that came after didn’t help. It makes me feel like I have no value and so I’m terrified Jackson will abandon me like Grey did, that he’s just using me to fill time. I know relationships are new to him, and I’m trying not to pressure, but it can be difficult. I just want to know he sees a future for us. I’m not asking him to get married or anything, we only just hit the 6 month mark.He’ll talk about going on awesome trips with Tom and Lisa, but no mention of including me. He’ll say things that don’t sound very much like he expects to ever live together or anything too. I said after I’m not tied up with a lease or AmeriCorps volunteer contract in RI that I’d like to move to CT to be closer. Mind you, this wouldn’t be until January 2019 and we’d have been together nearly a year and a half at that point. But he seemed so against it. He doesn’t want me leaving my support system for him, which I get, but if the relationship is going to progress then what does he expect to happen? I would hope to eventually cohabitate and that means one of us will be in an area where we have less friends. It’s not like I haven’t made friends with his friends either. Which is another weird thing. I feel like I have to beg to be invited to stuff unless it’s hanging out with Erica. I get wanting your own time with your own friends, but in my friend group, if there’s another couple involved, the significant other gets an invite. Especially in big group settings. Most of the time they don’t even take the invite, but it’s still there. We still include them. But it seems Jackson very much wants to keep friend time and hanging out with me separate which sucks because I really like his friends. I want to meet the ones he talks about that I haven’t met and I want him to want to bring me. But I understand his background and reasons too. He’s seen what codependency can do to a couple. I get needing some separation, but I’m not sure he understands how including me in those things makes me feel more secure. And it’s not his job to, and it’s not fair to him, but I still wish he would. Even little gestures. I’d love if he’d change his profile picture to one of us. Which is the stupidest thing, but I brought it up to him because I try to be as open as possible, but he said facebook stuff just isn’t important to him. I get that, but if it’s important to me, and not important to him, then what’s it matter?
I know I’m making mountains out of molehills. I know he loves me, and he’s an excellent boyfriend. It’s just whenever we do have a disagreement, we seem to be directly opposite. My wants and needs on an issue are completely at odds with his. After my last relationship where it was Grey’s way and that was it, I think it’s really important to stick up for what I want, but at what point do I become exactly like him? I can’t always have my way, then I’M the abuser.
So that was my random stream of consciousness for the night. I’m hoping to get my word vomit out here, so I have a clearer picture of what’s going on in my head. Hopefully I’ll stick to it. I might share this with some people. Ace or Ryan ... maaaaybe Rashaa, but probably not the rest of the girls.
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