all-the-inside-thoughts - Tumblr blog

[all-the-inside-thoughts]

Labeled "Luci"

It has been two weeks without my best friend. Two weeks of the longing to be doing something I can't do. Two weeks of the dark grey lonesome colour lingering in everything I see. My favorite activities suddenly filled with regret, and dismay. The guiltiness of feeling okay for a while, plummets into the dread of knowing I shouldn't be fine. The endless nonchalant condolences given without a second thought. The falsely reassured promises that everything will "get better" or "be fine." The feeling of my insides being torn out of my body with no regard to anyone who actually cared as I saw her lying there unmoving. The feeling of her soft unmoving skin as I laid beside her body, my fingers grazing across the braid that carelessly laid across her face. The braid I had always done. I remember stroking it gently with care as soft murmers of the better side escaped my lips in a hopeless attempt to calm my panic before losing her. I remember my mother holding me away from her as she slipped away from this world in a way only the innocent could. My body shaking as if the 90°F weather were actually below zero. I remember the vet pleading her to get up one last time so she could be outside in a quiet field. I remembered the hard conversation on what to do with her body afterward. My mother and the vets voice echoed in my head as I watched my best friend lie there in pain. Cremation was too expensive, she was in no shape to be taken back home to be buried. I know it was the humane choice, knowing the pain she was in. But I've never hated myself more. I've never loathed anyone more in my life then myself. My best friend who had carried me through endless sorrows, happiness, and anxiety; is lying in a landfield, rotting. My best friend I loved more then anything. I've never so proud of a horse before, maybe because I just didn't understand the love and devotion that went with it.

We moved everything out of the barn a while ago. All of the memories of treats, losing horseshoes, grooming, show prepping. They are all sitting in my house, packed in a room full of the oh so sweet smell of horses. Halters and bridles labeled 'Luci'. Shampoo bought specifically for her. Medicine, electrolytes, feed. The dirty brushes I use to enjoy pulling out, all sitting in boxes labeled 'luci'. I've never had I horse I knew I'd keep forever. A horse I dreamed of retiring out in a pasture to love. I will never forget the memories she gave me, or the confidence I gained, the lessons that were taught, or the love she showed. She was the hardest horse I've ever ridden and she's made me better for it. Everyone grieves differently, mine is denial. I deny the love, the memories, the pain, the loss, the grief. I ignore it bundle it up and when I can't hold it anymore. I write it down leaving it to someone else to hold onto. I hate memories, they remind you how shitty your life is now and how great everything was. Maybe that's how life goes ups and downs, lefts and rights. Success and failing. Life and death.

I still feel my insides tearing out of me everytime I think of her.