allagainforyou

[allagainforyou]

I know that there are more sides to every human than just the one they portray the most.

My fault? Loving all of yours when you couldn't love even my first.

[allagainforyou]

there's always something to pray about, even if you're not the primary beneficiary.

[allagainforyou]

I've never thought too much into this.

But maybe the devil sends us love, too.

Ya know, we say "I'm so blessed God gave me you" and later on realize they never even loved you or maybe they did, but not in the way you deserve.

God doesn't send us those people. The devil does, to trick us into believing that God is out to get us.

So we will end up crying on the bathroom floor, "God, how could you let this happen to me? Why wouldn't you let him love me?"

and this is why we need God in our relationships. to show us the difference.

[allagainforyou]

I'm repeatedly at war with myself. Telling myself to be better for you, to let go of him.

I'm trying so hard to let you love me.

So I tell myself to push him aside, to not punish you for his mistakes. I can't back away from you at the smallest hand flash. I love your touches. I love your gestures.

But you are still punishing me for what she has done to you. No matter how much I am trying to show you that I am not her, you're stuck. Maybe you want me to be like her.

[allagainforyou]

It's almost funny. Sometimes you're the one for them and they're too blind to be the one for you.

[allagainforyou]

I don't care that you're gone, I just hate how you left.

[allagainforyou]

but i don't want to feel the relief when i die, that is not what i hope for. i only want to die so that others may feel the relief.

[allagainforyou]

and of course i'll mention the gifts you weren't supposed to know about in the argument.

no one has ever stayed by my side because of how i was able to make them feel something.

[allagainforyou]

and what's frustrating me now is that i love you.

I love you so much that I am willing to change the thoughts in my head. That I'm starting to try to love myself through your eyes, even though I could not compare to her. That I am questioning what lies ahead in life for me, to give you what your hearts desires. Sharing my home with another living thing that speaks, working more to save for a wedding, facing fears to birth your baby.

The things that I would do for you, it terrifies me.

[allagainforyou]

something keeps telling me we'll find our way,

but how can we if you don't stay?

[allagainforyou]

Breakthroughs come after the breaking.

[allagainforyou]

the worst part is, i don't know if my love is or isn't going to matter to you in 2 years. you have 730 days to change your mind..

and i'll never know which choice you mean with your heart.

[allagainforyou]

01/17/19 - dreams or nightmares?

I don't remember falling asleep.

But all of a sudden, it was 3am on August 25th of 2019. I feel both asleep and awake. My reality is trying to pull out of this and understand. But I sink. I'm crying, breathing heavy and calling my mom as I'm starting my car.

"Hey mom, I'm coming. He's coming. Meet me at the hospital please."

And I'm looking at myself. Pregnant. Trying to push all of the bags into the car as my water breaks. Laying towels in my seat just to be ready for anything. /// it's 4 now. i want to message you and finally tell you, but i don't. it's only me and mama, no one else knows he's coming now.

she hasn't told me but she's texted you just for you to know when you wake up; your son is being born today.

i'm setting everything up myself to keep the distraction. the fan, the pictures, the comfort here. --- the maternity pictures that i had you faded into after talking your friends into taking pictures of you for me.

5:34am \\\ i've finally just pulled him out of me. trying to push for so long but i was ready to have him in my arms as soon as i heard him cry outside of me. i tell him to fuss at me like his daddy did. i'm preparing to finish labor and deliver the placenta now as he lays on my chest. i am so lost in him, even more than i was with you. he is what our love made. some part of us will last forever with him. i'm hearing so much chatter. mama takes him from me, "you've got another baby to push". my mind is confused yet so driven. i wasn't told i was having twins but i know that i can. they won't let me pull this time, i'm giving out.

5:46am \\\ "it's a girl". i am so in love with them. holding them, feeling like you're here. and you are, within them. they ask me about names and i'm not ready now. i need your opinion. John & Jayde or Kimberlynn & Kaise? who am i kidding? they just want the full name, not what i'll call them yet. Johnathon Thomas Kaise & Kimberlynn Elizah Jayde. last name. . . Mize. they are your legacy.

you're in the room already and i have no idea. the nurses are taking them so i can rest although i want to fight it. i'm holding mama's hand as i start to doze off. "i knew that i could do it. i just hope one day he'll understand it was because i loved him. and she looks just like him, big brown eyes and so perfect. we can already tell he's a protector like his daddy, hiding his sister in there this whole time. but it still doesn't feel whole for some reason, mama." and now i'm feeling your lips on mine and it is.

finally, everything is alright. you tell me how the divorce is finalized and we're free to be now. no more debt, ahead on bills for a while, and miracle parents together. i still need a girl's carseat so you ask mama to take the car and pick one for us. you lay beside me for the first time in six months and tell me that it's okay. and this is all i need.

[allagainforyou]

how heartbreaking it is to know what i've done while you tell me that you are no good for me. the sleepless nights without you hands to hold me. the tears that came with your absence. the physical sickness when i didn't hear from you. the period i didn't want to see for another nine months. realizing i was just rain in your life. you were the soil and you were dying. but blooming never mattered to you. you wanted cement, not growth. and how selfless, still, was i? to love you unconditionally while trying to find someone for you to give your love to.

[allagainforyou]

please stop asking me if i'm okay like you're hoping that i'll finally be honest and tell you that i am not.

how could i be okay right now?

i feel empty. everywhere i go. everyone i am with.

and it's all because i know now. this isn't real for you. if you could only let go of the love i feel so required to give to you for your own benefit, it may just be okay. but you're draining me of things i do not even have.

[allagainforyou]

for 3 years, i have watched so many people get what i've dreamed of and worked so hard to achieve myself.

- women getting pregnant when they don't want children or when they are not ready.

-- i wanted my baby and i was ready, and now my baby is gone.

- marriages that i thought i'd be a part of or marriages i tried to keep together.

-- but people are selfish and did not care about anyone else's feelings.

[allagainforyou]

69 hours and 9 minutes since i've touched you. and that's all it would take to make me feel whole again.