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psychotic rants will be tagged badpostingdontlook

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nobody follows me here so i am literally all alone.

i am sure nobody will ever see this.

but i truly want to kill myself.

if i cannot do anything to help, i am doing nothing. if i am doing nothing, i am making it worse by default. it is my body and my soul. every cell of my body, every inch of my skin and flesh, every hair on my head, every breath i take, every word i speak, everything my eyes see, every time i wake up or go to sleep, every dream i have ever had or will have, every moment I have ever experienced, every memory I possess, every cent i spend, every motion of my body, every word i speak, everything i eat or drink, every roof that has ever been over my head, this phone in my hands, this blood on my hands, this evil in my heart, my whole heart, my whole body, my whole soul -

every tear I cry, right now -

it is making this happen.

i am making this happen.

i have always been making this happen. i always will be.

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i dont... know how i am going to pull myself back together right now.

i realize i have never learned anything in any of my lives and i dont know how i am going to move forward with this realization - that there was no point to any of it. no greater purpose. no fucking atonement. only further violence and further complicity, just on a different stage. i didnt do this for anyone.

i can only hope this life is a kind of hell. maybe itll get worse. maybe it will finally burn me clean.

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choking on desperation to annihilate myself completely. my existence was never meant to happen. i have never been anything other than a manifestation of violence a manifestation of cruelty a manifestation of rot and blight upon this earth. I have done a grave disservice to everyone I know by knowing them. It is my only and biggest regret that I did not ensure my death before i met them.i was never meant to be born. Now I can never correct this injustice without hurting people that I love. The kindest thing would have been to never meet. The ki fest thing would have been to slip quietly into the night. The kindest thing would have been to never pretend to be capable of kindness at all. Any beauty or kindness I have ever possessed is illusory. I wish to be nothing because what doesnt exist cannot hurt anyone. That is a selfish wish and I know that I am selfish which is a further proof of my evil, self centered, born to think of myself and only myself and I accept my birthright that I claim to reject every day by accepting and taking and taking and taking. I'm thinking about deleting my main blog. I am thinking about ceasing my existence in as many ways as possible. I have sought recently to become a real person in this world again. I am now reconsidering that goal. I benefit none with my existence. Perhaps I should change that. Lately I have been seeking happiness for myself. I think that is my deepest evil. I do not deserve such things. To prioritize my being is to nurture something evil that should never have been leashed upon this world.

Become new l, tell myself every day.

That is not possible.

I am the same person now that I was this morning. The only difference was this morning I had forgotten myseld and now I remember . Whatever shreds of humanity scatter through me are tethered to the greatest evil that ever existed. My soul is a byproduct. Everything I see think feel love fear hate or am is a byproduct of my body which is the act of manifesting evil.

Guilt is not impotent. Guilt is the only answer. Guilt is the muzzle that I need to avoid inflicting my inner evil upon others.

I want to write. But I don't think that's right. I think if I really have to write, I should never show a soul. I think any creations of my evil mind will cause untold harm in turn. I think I should contain that harm. I think I should turn inward. My evil will turn inward. Maybe in the absence of goodness to devour, it will eat itself.

I have spent my whole life terrified of nothingness after death. But I think I would find it sweet now, if it meant I could just not hurt anyone anymore. That would be so sweet. To be nothing in death would be an honor greater than any I could know in life. And I've always been scared nobody will remember me but now I hope they wont. If my memory dies with me, it will not hurt anyone ever again. What sweeter legacy could I ask for? If there is anything good on me, it would rest so sweetly.

But I am not that goodness.

I hope they rest sweetly.

I hope I never know that nothingness.

I hope I wake up and do it all over again. I hope I wake up in another evil body and learn its destruction more efficiently. I hope I can cause it. I hope I can kill it before it hurts anyone.

To shreds of goodness, if they exist, I am sorry. I could never protect you. I was never worth your sympathy. I never learned from a single mistake I have made. I repeat them from cradle to grave.

I will drive this body into the grave. Now that I understand it is not worth protecting, I will treat it as my own. I will run it into the ground. I will do so in pursuit of minimizing its harm and its evil. I almost dare hope to do something good with it. But I am no longer so naive.

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Cain by José Saramago translation by Margaret Jull Costa

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It was so much easier when none of this was real

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04.16.19