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Trump’s Las Vegas comments translated for your convenience

President Trump’s remarks following the tragic shooting in Las Vegas was chock full of thinly veiled messages aimed at his base. Our crack team of analysts provide a translation of what he had to say so that we can all understand just what he was getting at. 

My fellow Americans, we are joined together today in sadness, shock and grief.

Hello to my base supporters, my Chief of Staff, General Kelly, tells me that  that I need to make these comments to appear sympathetic, particularly to the very few swing voters left in this country.

 Last night a gunman opened fire on a large crowd at a country music concert in Las Vegas, Nevada. He brutally murdered more than 50 people, and wounded hundreds more.

Someone shot at a bunch of your fellow rednecks. It could have been you.

It was an act of pure evil. The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security are working closely with local authorities to assist with the investigation, and they will provide updates as to the investigation and how it develops.

He was probably affiliated with ISIS. And even if he wasn’t, I’m hoping to spark conspiracies that he was anyway and that the fake-news mainstream media is keeping it from you.

 I want to thank the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, and all the first responders for their courageous efforts, and for helping to save the lives of so many. The speed with which they acted is miraculous, and prevented further loss of life. To have found the shooters so quickly after the first shots were fired is something for which we will always be thankful and grateful. It shows what true professionalism is all about.

These are the same people that the extremists in the Black Lives Matter movement want to kill off. If they had their way, this guy would still be shooting at these good, culturally superior white -- Blue Lives Matter!

 Hundreds of our fellow citizens are now mourning the sudden loss of a loved one. A parent, a child, a brother or sister. We cannot fathom their pain, we cannot imagine their loss. To the families of the victims, we are praying for you and we are here for you, and we ask God to help see you through his very dark period.

Even though I’ve just lost nearly five dozens of voters, I’m hoping that making references to Christian scripture will attract enough new voters to make up for them.

 Scripture teaches us the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. We seek comfort in those words, for we know that God lives in the hearts of those who grieve.

Vice President Pence told me what to say here.

 To the wounded who are now recovering in hospitals, we are praying for our full and speedy recovery, and pledge to you our support from this day forward.

Your prayers are going to make a bigger difference in their recovery than anything Obamacare can provide.

 In memory of the fallen, I have directed that our great flag be flown at half-staff.

Here is where I get you all all riled up about the flag and how it represents first responders and military personnel. And how any son of a bitch who doesn’t stand for the anthem was literally in the hotel room, handing this guy clips when he needed to reload. In fact, Colin Kaepernick has not revealed where he was during the shooting, and since he doesn’t have anything else to do on Sundays...

 I will be visiting Las Vegas on Wednesday to meet with law enforcement, first responders and the families of the victims.

After a very, very brief visit to Puerto Rico, a country which, fortunately already has a moat and doesn’t need a wall, I’ll be returning to real the America for a photo op and to hook up with my favorite urine-forward ‘legal escorts.’

 In moments of tragedy and horror, America comes together as one. And it always has. We call upon the bonds that unite us: our faith, our family, and our shared values. We call upon the bonds of citizenship, the ties of community, and the comfort of our common humanity. Our unity cannot be shattered by evil.

The NRA wrote this part to dog-whistle support for the Second Amendment.

 Our bonds cannot be broken by violence. And though we feel such great anger at the senseless murder of our fellow citizens, it is our love that defines us today, and always will forever.

Remember, Antifa is a violent extremist organization bent on taking away your rights and killing you and your family.

 In times such as these, I know we are searching for some kind of meaning in the chaos, some kind of light in the darkness. The answers do not come easy. But we can take solace knowing that even the darkest space can be brightened by a single light, and even the most terrible despair can be illuminated by a single ray of hope.

Remember that I am still your best bet for keeping people who don’t look like you (Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Blacks, Muslims) from taking over the country.

 Melania and I are praying for every American who has been hurt, wounded or lost the ones they loved so dearly in this terrible, terrible attack. We pray for the entire nation to find unity and peace, and we pray for the day when evil is banished and the innocent are safe from hatred and from fear.

The latest iteration of my travel ban may not make it through the lower courts, but I have the SCOTUS on payroll, so...

 May God bless the souls of the lives that are lost, may God give us the grace of healing, and may God provide the grieving families with strength to carry on. Thank you, God bless America.

Pence again. Got to go, I have a tee time in 20 minutes.