allhisdays

[allhisdays]

Goodbye... for now?

dear diary

i am going to give the handwritten journal thing a go. you’ve been a faithful companion all those years and i may or may not return some day! but for now i will try something different. 

bye bye

[allhisdays]

5 January 2019

dear diary

another more or less peaceful sleep, only interrupted once by violent images of zombie-like vampires and dogs (don’t ask), and a nice, quiet morning. 

i treated myself to some brunch in the form of pancakes. they were supposed to be big and fluffy but ended up a cross between american-style pancakes on one side and french crêpe on the other - and to be honest, they’re the BEST gf/df pancakes ive amde so far! omnomnom. i am now drinking some coca cola (the real kind) which is helping with my digestion, all the burping! lol.

anyway...

i have been considering starting a handwritten journal, a daily one in place of you dear tumblr. i may have mentioned this before. im not sure yet though if i’d have the discipline to keep it, and also, STUFF. im struggling enough to find space to put my stationary things and letters/postcards from friends/penpals that im thinking diaries would just add to the pile and be a source of stress. hm. so i’m making a list of pros and cons:

should i start journalling?

pros: - good for handwriting practice, less likely to forget about it, would force me to organise my thoughts as i can’t go back and erase, good platform to create (doodles, songs etc), more restful for my eyes, 100% personal as no other human would have access to it, no censorship needed and therefore chance to practice honesty with God, could combine it with bible journalling... cons: - price (big journals can be expensive), takes space and doesn’t help with decluttering, temptation to want to “copy” other people’s ways of journalling, temptation to get sucked into the whole journalling culture and buy lotsa things to decorate mine, cant post link to songs or images that inspired me, less flexible and potentially stressful especially if i wish to delete something i can’t...

so, so far it’s 8 pros and 6 cons... TBC.

thanking and rejoicing in this bright sunshiny (though chilly) day the Lord has given me. :) i’m so stuffed lol... no pancakes for a while me thinks...

[allhisdays]

4 January 2019

dear diary

the days have seemed longer lately. it feels like time has slowed down somehow. it’s a strange feeling, one hard to put into words. at the end of almost every day this week ive thought, “oh, it’s only [Tue...etc]”. like just now - i opened tumblr and thought i had missed a day or two at least but nope, right on track. it’s funny eh, i dont remember writing yesterday. 

ive been sleeping well, getting up a bit earlier and generally speaking feeling ok (no horrendous back pains). maybe that could simply be it. or, maybe i am feeling time more keenly because life is lonely? it doesn’t feel like it though, it feels “good”. hm. maybe i’m just relearning to be alone, without a “best friend” and “tomato” to confide into and feel okay about it.

some friends asked me today if i wanted to go to this new church plant with them tomorrow. i wouldve said yes but i plan on resting on my last official off day before getting back to work on monday. i dont want to exert myself both physically and mentally by meeting strangers i wont be seeing again and/or feel the stress and anxiety of being asked which church i attend (um, none technically?). ive been recovering so well from that bug’s comeback i dont want to jinx it! so tmr i get another lie-in and quiet day, i know i need it. also i still have plans to check out that other church next week and i’m excited about that - in fact, my friends asking me to go with them was an indirect reminder for me to put church back in the diary -yassss!! 

[allhisdays]

3 January 2019

dear diary

feeling a little better today, praise the Lord. :)

i struggled to fall asleep last night, despite my extreme tiredness, and was still awake at 1:30am... mostly kept up by the sound of piggies munching on hay and gizmo drinking from his bottle!!! i couldnt find my earplugs, the room was very quiet and it was all i could hear and  it was driving me nutsss. anyway i gave up and got up, looked around a bit ANd praise God i found the blessed earplugs! i also took a valium (i didnt think i needed one but clearly i did). anyhoo. 

i slept in this morning, it felt really good. i got up late around 12pm, tended to piggies, did some mini chores, had some lunch and the took the most glorious of naps!! i also had a laptop-free day and spent most of the afternoon sleeping and/or lying in bed, until about 6 or 7pm. SO, so good. i had some dinner though i wasnt too hungry (just some brown rice and soup) and i am starting to feel tired now at 930pm despite the gigantic nap!! 

i realised that i have not looked after myself well and been neflecting my rest lately, both physical and spiritual. im grateful for the Word and songs of praise that constantly challenge and encourage me. i know what needs to happen - i need a better routine and to intentionally make more room for church and fellowship in my schedule. i’m going to take a page from my own advice notebook, stuff i was telling stv (and have told many others in the past) and trust God will guide me through this. maybe not this sunday, depending on how i feel, but i do want to check out that church i was talking about the other day. maybe the sunday after, Lord willing. i need my brothers and sisters.

[allhisdays]

2 January 2019

dear diary

ugh. i’m sick again. :/ just like i was on christmas day except that i havent had any alcohol or weird unusual things to eat. 

might need to take the rest of this week off, not sure - the chills, the headache, the fatigue, loss of appetite, etc. 

i also had a hard time while trying to nap, finding it impossible to fall asleep, feeling lonely and missing certain people in my life like stv. i wonder if there might be any repressed feelings or emotions there that are causing my symptoms (thx dr mike) but it sure doesnt help that i feel lonely. 

anyhoo. i wrote a letter to a penpal and it sapped all the juices out of me, sooo tired.

also, no physio this week so meh... 

i hope i can sleep tonight, please Lord, bless my sleep?

[allhisdays]

Happy 1st January 2019

dear diary,

today is the beginning of a new year. i’m not too big on resolutions but i do feel called to make some changes this year, in how i use my time and about church attendance. the Lord gave me this verse for 2019, i feel it will serve as a trusty reminder throughout the year of how good God has been, to never forget and trust that He will continue to be and do good, and press on:

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live.

Dt.4:9

[allhisdays]

29-31 December 2018

dear diary

not a huge amount to report. it’s been rather quiet since the big dinner party and i have enjoyed being able to just rest and not worry about work or cooking (yay for leftovers!). mini chores are keeping me busy as well as planning letters for penpals next year. 

i’m thankful that i was able to send a good number of cards and some gifts through the post, hoping they all reached their destination safely and brought a smile on their recipient’s face. some of my penpals are going through a tough times and so i have been thinking of them as well. an online friend was bombarding me with half questions about God, i decided to give up trying to explain as he isn”t listening and thinks i’m weird but awesome at the same time...*headscratch* i pray God opens his heart and that he will follow my advice to do some soul searching and stop harassing me almost lol.

anyway that is it for now!

[allhisdays]

25-28 December 2018

dear diary,

i’ve missed a few days for the simple reason that ive been sick since just before i went to bed on the 24th! yup. christmas was fun that way.

ofc no church then, no nothing in fact as i was in bed with the chills and wanting to throw up all day. it took all i had to walk junior twice at 8am and 12pm then i felt drained and just gave up around 3pm and went to lie down. i felt it was a bad case of indigestion bcs of that wine i had and maybe too much gluten(?) but my local chemist tells me there is a bug going around that looks like the stomach flu but quite isn’t; he reckons the wine just triggered the rest, that i was probably coming down with it without knowing. :shrug:

so anyhoo. thankfully i was well enough on the 26th to help mother organise the big family dinner. it was quite the feast but i didnt eat a lot. in fact today is the 28th and i still can’t handle more than one meal a day, and i’m still quite tired and sniffly. taking it slowly. saw the doc today (about something else) and she said to take it easy. also wants me to have the beauty spots on my back checked out by a dermatologist... :/ not to worry she said but she doesnt like how assymetrical they are. i’m like “okay...”; i better not google assymetrical freckles/beauty spots.

in spite of all this i was able to enjoy christmas. i watched my favourite movies. ate some yummy food, got some nice pressies and enjoyed getting some for others. i also had a chat about Jesus with a friend. the Lord has been very, very good to me indeed.

[allhisdays]

Lord, I need You every hour I need You

[allhisdays]

24 December 2018

dear diary

it’s christmas eve! 

my best christmas present so far: chatting to stv today and confirming that we’re “good”. when i received something from his mum in the mail this morning i heaved a big sigh and felt a bit weird about it, idk; i think its bcs for a split second i thought it was from him - the name and handwriting on the back - but then it wasnt and it reminded me that things were possibly still “meh” between us, but also i think bcs her insistance in staying friends with me is forcing me to accept that things have changed. i am grateful for hers and the girls friendships. :) but id lie if i said i wasnt more grateful for stv. what can i say, i love the guy, he’s funny and smart and it is an honour for me to be among those he calls his friends. he’s one of my faves. i was ready to let go - not happy but ready, if that was what God wanted but now i see that we might make it through intact, by His grace. it may be another while until we’re 100% weirdness-free but i feel we’re on the right track. Lord, would You be his joy, his peace, his friend this Christmas- amen.

so, tonight is just me and mum and the pets. we’ll be having tiger prawns. the big, festive dinner is on the 26th with the siblings and kiddos. 

tmr will be quiet, unless i manage church. my lower back was been bugging me quite a bit today so i am less hopeful than i was yday about making it to church. if not tmr, then in the new year definitely.

didnt realise gingerbread cookie dough had to be frozen for an hour before working it... thankfully i got started early, don’t want to be in mum’s way when she needs the kitchen tonight!! 

thank you Jesus for YOU, for family, for friends, for pets, for cookies and all the good things and blessings you bestow upon me daily.

[allhisdays]

23 December 2018

dear diary

RIP. my little Fuji left us today for fishies heaven. :( i think he was 3 or 3,5 years old, which is pretty good for a store-bought fish and considering the fact that he had been quite sick. i mustve written about it before but those last few days i could tell that he was in really bad shape and i wasnt sure he’d make another christmas. i guess my estimations were correct. it was a matter of “when” he would go this time not “if” i could cure him.  this morning i couldnt find him in his tank; i knew he had gone on the bottom to die. so, goodbye, Fuji. i dont have it in me to take on another fish just yet, maybe after the winter is over and ive spoken to my online friend who used to breed bettas and knows a lot more about them than i do so i dont make the same mistakes. we’ll see. right now it’s just me and my floofies, which isn’t a bad thing. i am in fact relieved for Fuji, he is no longer struggling and it’s something else to worry about. :/

anyhoo. so i didn’t get any work done today. wasnt in the mood really and it is sunday after all. i find it really hard to psyche myself into working on what for 15 years has been a day “off” for me - the Lord’s day. so i made some festive cookies instead - they’re amazing, chocolate crinkles (ooh yea!), and i rearranged my desk a bit now that there is more room without the tanks. my dog died on a 23rd of december... it was like a billion years ago but i always remember her. so in contrast it feels good to have a very lively doggy and pair of pigsters with me on this particular day. :) 

christmas eve tmr. w00t. mum and i will have a small festive dinner together and then we’ll celebrate w everyone else on the 26th. that should be... interesting!!! i’m not sure where we’ll fit them all, they might need to bring their own chairs, lol... the tree is all up and decorated, there are presents, a nativity scene, festive foods mum says i can’t touch (party pooper!), and some decorations here and there but nothing excessive. and of course most importantly there is Jesus whom i celebrate in my heart every day , i am grateful for Christmas and the chance to pause and reflect on the great MIRACLE and MYSTERY of God coming to live amongst us to save us... mind-blowing stuff...

night x

[allhisdays]

22 December 2018

dear diary,

i had both a quiet and semi-productive day today, which isn’t bad for a saturday, isnt it? i was able to fit in some translation work and rest a little too. 

i received a text from mum that jr would be with us tonight, then call from bro asking if i could look after him until wednesday (he ASKED - wow. improvement, lol). this is nice actually because even though i am quite determined to go to church on christmas morning, there is always the possibility that i might not make it (sleep through alarm, back pains, migraine etc) and if thats the case then i wont be as lonely while mum is at work. i’ll have Jesus, piggies and doggy to keep my company. :) 

anyhoo. i better go to bed.

 christmas is coming sOOn. 

yassss!

[allhisdays]

21 December 2018

dear diary,

both lots and not much happened today(!). didnt quite get as much as i wanted done in terms of work but i got to share Jesus with someone. 

also i get to dogsit jr until the big family gathering on the 26th, so i won’t be completely alone on xmas day, i‘ll have JESUS (duh, most important part) and the pets as a bonus. :) mum is working both 24th and 25th, so...it’ll be less lonely. i dont think i’ll make it to church but this will have to change in 2019, i am quite motivated, i think i might go to a different church, the one i had been to once but then there were problems and so i avoided it etc etc, anyway manue tells me things are good there now. and it’s one i can easily reach by foot. i can walk to the other one too but it’s longer and more dangerous. so yea it’s definitely happening. need to pray about this.

so all in all, i’m thankful for the unwanted interruption of today, even though i was a bit groany about it at first cos i wanted to work, my friend really wanted/needed to talk. i think he still thinks i’m crazy haha like some Jesus freak or lunatic - ive been called worse!! i’ll catch up on work tmr... with your strength, Lord! please? :D

love You Jesus. You love my friend too, please use this trouble he is going through to help him realise it is time to reach out to You. i pray You would pursue him, Lord. make me Your vessel, make me an offering in this story, Lord, should You wish to, make me whatever You want me to be. in the words of young Mary when the angel spoke to her "I am the Lord's servant, may it happen to me as you have said."

[allhisdays]

20 December 2018

dear diary,

ive been burying myself in work at the moment. i’ll be working this weekend but i feel good about it -ish. it keeps me occupied. and bills gotta be paid, right? i don’t want to be eating the bread of idleness to (probably semi-accurately) quite the Good Book.

one of my penpals bee lost her baby at 3 months. she announced it a few days ago, she was/is devastated. i went online and bought a little surprise Lush gift to her and had it delivered directly to her front door in england. she found it today and said she was touched. Lord, would you heal her body and heart and bless her with the gift of new life? according to Your will, of course.

in contrast, today i received great news about ian being in remission from cancer. it’s my turn to write to michelle so i’ll try and send some words of celebration and encouragement.

funny the way life works. one person is mourning the loss of life, and on the other side of the ocean another is celebrating victory over sickness. im thankful to God that He is sovereign. even though i dont understand why bee lost her baby - it seems so unfair and cruel - He knows the reasons, the whys and hows. He is the one who engineers our circumstances, right? 

speaking of, i know its been awhile since ive mentioned his name but last night i was thinking about stv. to be honest, i have not allowed myself to think too much about him since, well, the last time i did. every time i’ve seen or hearr or read something that’d remind me of him i would just shrug it off and look or walk away. reminders are everywhere and i sorta decided that id better not dwell on their special “meaning” or whatever otherwise i’d never get over anything. and with time i’d stop seeing them as “special”. it has kind of worked so far. today i found the first friendship bracelet i made him (the one i made too short), i thought i had thrown it out back then but it was at the very bottom of one of my desk drawers. i looked at it for a bit, then put it in the bin. i felt nothing. 

then i remembered last night.... 

i was in bed, it was time for my german lesson but for some reason i didnt want to do it...i knew the answers but i kept making mistakes bcs i wasnt “into it” and too lazy to type properly. learning german reminds me of stv too. so i allowed myself to feel for a moment. and let me tell ya, under the pile of work i am crawling under at the moment a great percentage of the stuff in there is feelings... bcs feelings hurt. in a moment of nostalgian i listened to a voice message he had sent me once on messenger. i scrolled up in my msg history and picked one at random: it was an exhortation to write out my thoughts and talk to God. 

...

...

the sighs. ...

...

“back when he cared”, i thought. back when i had his proverbial shoulder to lean on for extra brotherly encouragement, motivation and strength. back when he wanted me to be a part of his life. back when life felt less lonely. back when i didnt have to worry about talking to his sisters or mother on msgr bcs seeing their avatars every vtime reminds me of his face and that i am not talking to the “right one of them”. back when he didnt choose to reject me. back when... well... things were different. i am not unhappy. i am not in despair. i am not depressed. i am just allowing myself to feel a bit,  because if i don’t then one day i’ll explode and THEN i’ll be depressed etc. so yea. i missed him last night, REALLY, REALLLY did. and i told God and now im writing about it, as a good friend once advised me to. and it feels liberating, in a bittersweet kind of way.

i’m thankful for my life. i ‘m thankful that i can rest in God’s promises.  faithful You were faithful You are faithful You will be

[allhisdays]

19 December 2018

dear diary,

seriously, some people are nuts. as i translate all sorts of theological definitions i am discovering some really crazy stuff. no wonder so many are led astray. there are SO many more false prophets out there than i thought, sigh. Lord have mercy! may Your truth avail!

i finished proofing my 4 articles today and sent them to my client. i took a break in between articles to pop out to the post office. it was pouring down outside but  thought meh, i can use some fresh air. only to find myself in front of a closed post office... apparently they only time of the working week that they’re closed is wednesday afternoons lol...well, of course! bah, i’ll try again tmr.

it’s 6:30pm. i was going to get started on another article but decided instead that i’ll be working this saturday. best to spread out the work over more days and finish earlier so i can rest and go to bed early. i think... :)

still off painkillers but my tummy is a bit bothered i think (i ate some cookies that had gluten in team... could be that or something else, dunno).

 i received my first ever sealing wax kit today. it’s beautiful. can’t wait to use it on envelopes and gift packages. 

You’re like starlight in the dark endless miles can’t conceal you

[allhisdays]

18 December 2018

dear diary,

beezy beezy day. i finished work ... 10:30pm! yes, you heard right. soooOo much backlog, lol, but i like my job so i had fun doing it. 

completely sanitised fishy’s tank this morning, hoping it’ll help his wound will heal a bit, but not getting my hopes up.

physio went well. got a massage and even did a tiny bit of exercise. NO painkillers, which doesnt mean no pain, but still good news as it means it was manageable. :D am happy.

now time for some shut-eye...

[allhisdays]

17 December 2018

dear diary,

yup, i was right about the madness. it’s 10:30pm and i only just finished work about 10 mins ago. some of those theology dictionary translations can be really tricky sometimes, but at least i’m learning stuff! some really weird theories out there i’m tellin ya... biblical numerology for example, what a bunch of crap!

anyway.

i’m not overly tired just really ready for bed. :) tmr gonna be madder as i have to work twice as fast and fit in a physio apt + a trip to post office. 

oh one piece of bad news: fishy isn’t doing so great. :/ i noticed something that looked like a stain on one of his sides. i’m not an expert but it looks like the fin rot came back and is attacking his flesh - not just the fins. if that’s the case, it means he won’t be with us very long. i’ll try another round of salt treatment tmr to ease the pain and with a bit of luck the necrosis isnt advanced enough and will stop but i doubt it will cure him at this stage... my brave little fish, after all that he’s been through, i’d hate to leave him in pain, so if it gets too bad i’ll do the humane thing... 

anyhoo, thats something to worry about tmr. 

while i was working today, i was really encouraged by this song. the live version is pretty neat:

“nothing satisfies like You do”