allie27m-blog

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Mom Guilt

For my last post I want to talk about something not every mom even realizes she has, it’s called “mom guilt”. Some mothers might have it, but not realize how common it actually is. I am still trying to not feel guilty about doing things for myself that do not involve Penelope, so I’m sure there are others out there that struggle with the same thing on a day to day basis.

Feeling the “mom guilt” is a waste of time If you decide you want to go out with your friends, or go on a date then go and do not feel bad about it! You are already out of the house and doing something you enjoy, so you might as well enjoy it 100% instead of overthinking the whole time, right? If you are going to leave the house but feel bad about it the whole time and not enjoy yourself, you might as well just stay home. My advice to moms struggling with this is try to block out the thoughts. If you feel like you are overthinking, try to start thinking positive thoughts instead.

Nobody cares as much as you do If you decide to go out and do something for yourself, your child is not going to hate you for it, i’m sure Penelope misses me but she is going to survive. There have been multiple studies on how kids are always worse around their parents. So, if your kid is anything like mine, i’m sure they are behaving a lot better than they do around you. Children are more comfortable around their parents, which means they are more likely to throw temper tantrums and have emotional break downs around you, so believe me…you need a break. Your child will be just fine with a babysitter or family member. It’s also very important for kids to get out and socialize without you. Spending time away from you is also beneficial to them.

Having less “mom guilt” will actually make you a better mom I strongly believe that to be a good mother you need to be happy, which requires some time to yourself. Even if its just twenty minutes at the gym everyday, it will be more beneficial to you and your child than anything. If you squeeze in a small workout, you will feel so good about yourself after, be in a better mood, and most likely have a better day with your child. There are also multiple studies about how working out improves mood. Like I have said before, if you are in a good mood, it will usually rub off on your child.

There is no such thing as supermom

There is no such thing as a perfect mom, even if you think everyone else looks perfect,but you can try your best. Making some time for yourself and not feeling bad is a great thing to do if you’re trying your best.Of course there will be days that you lay down at the end of the day and do not believe you tried you best. For example, you might think you did not pay enough attention to you child, feed them the healthiest food, or you weren’t as patient as you should of been, but that is okay. Nobody is perfect and being a mother is very hard. When you are a mom, especially a single mom, it is a job that never stops! You don’t get to clock out at the end of the day and relax. You WILL make mistakes. I make mistakes everyday, but I just look at it as a learning process. There have been times I forgot to even pack diapers in her diaper bag, so now I keep extra ones in my car. There have also been times we were at a restaurant and she was throwing a fit until we got our food, so now I keep a coloring book and snacks in my purse at all times. There having been times we had to run to the store for just a few things, so I didn’t bring anything for her. I had to carry Penelope out of the store with nothing on but a diaper because she made a mess and I didn’t have extra clothes, so I always make sure I have a change of clothes with me. I could go on and on for pages about different things I have learned from my mistakes, but you have to make the best out of them.

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Spending

One of the most stressful things about being a single mom to me is worrying about money. I’m a server and I’m in school, so I don’t exactly have a lot of money to spend. There are several ways to save money, especially with a toddler. For example, I buy her clothes used, I use coupons, pay attention to sales, and find out when the cheapest days to go to certain places for activities are.

ACTIVITIES

Like I said before on a previous post, I think it is very important to keep a toddler busy. When Penelope is stuck inside the house all day and not entertained, she gets bored easily and we are both in a bad mood. It is very important for toddlers to go outside and explore. One of the things we have done this summer is go to the pool. For the Columbus Zoo, I decided to just buy a zoo pass for the whole year, because it saves money in the end. Well, a pool pass for just the summer was over two hundred dollars, which is definitely not in my budget for the summer. So, instead I looked up the prices for the whole day, and after five it is only three dollars for us to get in compared to ten dollars for each of us. This works out for us because that is around the time I am finished with work or school anyways.

BUY USED CLOTHES

One of my favorite things about having a little girl is dressing her. When I found out I was going to have a girl, I immediately started buying her cute baby clothes, dresses, and pajamas. I immediately realized how all of this added up. A huge tip for moms of toddlers is to buy their clothes used. Most of Penelope's clothes come from a store called “Once Upon A Child”. There is one in Reynoldsburg, Gahanna, Westerville, and Dublin. So, the stores are all over Columbus, which might be a longer drive than just going to Target to shop for clothes, but in the end I promise you will save a lot of money. Most of the clothes I get her are name brand,still have the tags on them, and are more than half off the original price. They are known for selling clothes, but you can buy almost anything there. For example, we just switched Penny into a toddler bed and we needed a rail for the side of her bed. If I paid full price for this I would of spent over twenty dollars, but at the discount store I only spent five dollars.

STOP EATING OUT!

Every week I also keep a strict budget with my groceries. I use the Clicklist at Kroger, so I can look on the App and see how much I am spending. There are also a lot of coupons that are only offered on the Kroger app that are not in store. Since I am not walking around the store, I am also not spending money on unnecessary things I do not actually need and probably will end up throwing away in about a week because we will not end up eating it anyways. When you use the Clicklist, an employee also brings your groceries out to your car, so it will save you time as well! Another helpful tip is to stop eating out! Eating out can get very expensive, so we eat at home more than eating out. Yes, sometimes it might be easier to just go through Wendy’s and get her a happy meal for dinner, but it is not a very healthy option, and eating out can add up and end up being more expensive than you would think. Penelope also loves helping me cook, so I usually let her help as much as she can, and we make it a fun activity to do together.

TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET

From the moment I started telling everyone I was pregnant, I had a large amount of people tell me about stuff they have stored in their basement, or stuff they will not be using once I have the baby. Another huge thing that has helped me is using other toys, clothes and anything else you can think of for a baby or toddler from my friends and family. At first I didn’t pay attention, but once I realized how expensive everything is, I took advantage of everything. The best part was most people just want to get the stuff to of their house, and don’t even want charge me for whatever they weren’t using anymore.

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Time Management

When I thought about my future, I never thought I would be a single mom. I also never thought I would be a twenty seven year old mom, still in college, working full time, plus a single mom. One of the biggest things I have struggled with is managing my time. Like I talked about on a previous post, I don’t get to just go out on the weekends with my friends, or relax when I get home from school or work. If I am not at work or school, I have Penelope with me, or i’m busy doing homework or work around the house. I wouldn’t trade our crazy life for anything, but without managing my time it would almost be impossible to keep up with everything that goes on in our lives.

STAY ON A PLAN!

One of the things I find very helpful is keeping a planner. I have a calendar on my phone, but actually writing something down helps me to remember it. I bought a nice planner from target that is cute, so it makes me want to use it, and its small enough to keep in my purse and also in my book bag for school. I write every single thing down in that book. If I have something small such as packing her extra clothes for school the next day, or packing her lunch for a field trip, I am writing it down. There are other things that are important like writing a paper for my english class, or accounting homework to do online. Even if I think I will not forget to do something, I write it down so I will absolutely not forget and end up turning in a homework assignment late, or forget to bring something with me in the morning for Penelope to her daycare. It takes two seconds to write something down, and it is worth it so keep organized. It also helps me to see everything I need to do that day instead of just memorize it…or think I have it memorized.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST!

Another thing I do is I quit helping everyone else out and put myself first. Sometimes it can be harder than you would think to tell someone no, and put yourself first, but it has to be done. Before I had Penelope, if one of my friends or family members needed me there is a big chance I could stop what I was doing and go help them, go visit them, or whatever they might want or need. Now, I have a little girl that I have to worry about and put her first. I try to help others as much as I can, but I learned very quickly that I need to put us first. For example, if she is not in bed by eight, she will turn into a little monster and will not behave, especially in public. Some of my friends with out kids do not understand that and will expect me to meet them for dinner at seven and get a little upset when I say no. Seven doesn’t seem late right? Well when you have a toddler who has been in daycare for eight hours and played hard all day, it is very late.

STAY ON SCHEDULE!

Another tip I find helpful is her schedule. I try my hardest to keep her on a strict schedule, even though it is hard because her father and I are split up. We co-parent very well, but he lives a little different lifestyle than me. For example, this is my usual schedule with her:

8am- wake up, watch tv, breakfast

10/1am 1- go to daycare

3:30pm- pick her up from daycare, snack, playtime

5:30pm- dinner

7:00pm- bath

8:00pm- snack and bed

Obviously, some days I have class a little later or I get off work a little later, so it is not always exactly the same, but it is pretty close. When she is off schedule she is moody, doesn’t listen and gets very emotional. Every kid is different and might not even be ready for bed until ten, so my advice would be to give a bath a little later so help wind them down, and have a calm time before bed.

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Friendships

When I was pregnant with Penelope, I didn’t realize how many of my friends I was going to lose.

Before I had her, I was out almost every night with a different group of people, I have always been friends with everyone. Well, when you are pregnant and sick and tired all of the time, nobody wants to spend their free time with you. It is sad because you think you have all of these wonderful friends who care so much about you, but once you have nothing to offer them anymore, they are gone. My advice to another single mom is to just cherish the friends that you do have. If you have a friend who comes over maybe once a week or just on the weekends to spend time with you, that is more than enough.You do not need a bunch of friends to make you happy, but instead just a couple friends that actually care. Also, talk to the people in your life. If you need a night out, or just any help at all, ask for it. I realized very quickly that once I actually started asking for help, my friends were more than willing to help me. Some of my friends also told me they wanted to help me, but didn’t know how and didn’t want to do too much.

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Toddler Activities

Penelope is always very full of energy. When she wakes up around six in the morning, she is ready to play with all of her toys, read a book, color, and eat breakfast. While she is busy running around the house and getting into everything, On the other hand, I just want to drink my coffee and have some time to wake up. With that being said… it has probably happened once in the last couple years. I wouldn’t change a thing about her though.

"What is free time? I'm a single mother. My free moments are filled with loving my little girl.” - Roma Downey

Instead of making her wait for me, I usually play with her all morning until it’s time for her to go to daycare so I can go to either class or work. Since I am usually pretty busy during the week,   on the days I have off I like to have something fun planned for us to do. It is so important for children to go outside and explore instead of being stuck in the house all day. It’s great to have days where we stay at home but that gets old, especially for a very energetic toddler. From my experience, if she is bored she acts up and then both of us are not very happy. My advice to those with toddlers is to keep them busy so at the end of the day everyone is happy.

Some of our favorite things to do together:  

-Franklin park conservatory -getting ice cream -going to the pool -the works in Newark -AHA museum in Lancaster -the Columbus zoo -splash pads (downtown Columbus, Westerville) -Cosi -play dates -parks

I’m guessing most people even without kids have been to the park, zoo and Cosi, but once you have your own kids it’s nice to take them somewhere new and different. The AHA museum in Lancaster, Ohio is like a mini Cosi for toddlers. They have water activities, firetrucks, arts and crafts, and outside area with a sand box, fire trucks, puppet shows, and much more. If you live in the Newark area, there is a place downtown that is called The Works. It is also like Cosi, but a little smaller, cheaper, and closer to home from us. I included the links for their websites for more info. www.attheworks.org

www.aha4kids.org

Another activity is the zoo.When you go by yourself and your family it is fun, but when you have your own child to experience it with it’s even better. They have so many activities such as animal shows, play grounds, and there is even a water park. It’s about a hour from where I live, so if I take Penelope we like make it an all day thing. The prices vary, so to save money we buy season passes because after you go twice the passes pay for themselves and you don’t have to pay for parking, which is usually ten dollars. The pass lasts for a whole year, so you can go in the summer, in the fall when it’s a little cooler, and for the zoo lights around Christmas. Another perk of having a season pass is getting discounts on food and drinks while you’re there.

www.columbuszoo.org

In the summer obviously every one wants to go to the pool, so my best advice is go to one that has a play area for kids as well. After a while it isn’t fun for a toddler to have to be held in a pool for hours. We like to go to the heath pool. It has a huge area for kids to play on and a big baby pool that is very shallow. Every kid is different but Penelope loves the water and would rather be able to swim on her own instead of me carrying her most of the time.

heathohio.gov

There is also the Franklin park conservatory in Columbus. From Newark it is about a thirty minute drive, but it is worth it. They always have different things going on and their website has a lot of information. For example, right now they have a room called “Blooms and Butterflies” and when you walk in there are butterflies everywhere. There are beautiful flowers and the butterflies are constantly landing on you. This is something different for kids, especially toddlers, and whenever I take Penelope she gets so excited. On the website it is described as “ Whisk away to an enchanted land of tropical butterflies and splashes of floral color during the Conservatory’s 25th anniversary of Blooms & Butterflies. Hundreds of colorful butterflies fly freely in the Pacific Island Water Garden.”

https://www.fpconservatory.org/exhibitions/blooms-butterflies/

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Co-parenting

For me,  one of the hardest things about being a single mother is co-parenting. Everyday of her life is not spent with me at my house. I do not get to put Penelope to bed every night, wake her up every morning, spend every holiday with her, or be there every time she says or does something new. It's unfortunate, but her father and I did not get along.

A couple years ago I read a quote that said, "In the end, I am the only one who can give my children a happy mother who loves life." - Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

This was so important to me because it made me realize that even though her parents are not together, I have to make the best out of it and be a happy mother for Penelope, she deserves it. When I moved out of her father’s house in 2017 I was very depressed and didn't know how I was gong to be a single mother and do everything on my own, but knowing I had to keep going for Penelope made it easier to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and keep moving forward.

Now me and her father are on a better schedule and we are both more flexible. I work as a server full time and go to school full time as well, so he understands there will be many obstacles and our meeting times are going to change more often than not as well. However , a couple years ago we were not like this. I would get sick to my stomach if I even saw his name pop up on my phone. I would think, “what is he mad about now?” or “what is he going to try to change about my schedule this week?” If I didn’t do what he asked I would worry about him being mad at me and calling me names constantly. We have realized to be better parents for Penelope, we need to get along and put more effort into co-parenting. This is not about us anymore, it’s for our daughter.

This week was the Fourth of July and since her father had her last year on the third, I got her this year. This was supposed to be my weekend with her, but he asked for her so he could still take her to see fireworks at least. Instead of arguing I decided I would pick up some shifts at work, since I need the money anyways, and I let him have her. My best advice when dealing with giving up time with your child is thinking about the child first. Yes, I would love to have her every weekend, but she also needs that time with her father. When I think about the holidays growing up, I remember my mother and father both being there, and it would be selfish of me to not let Penelope experience the holidays with both of her parents as well. Some children don’t ever get to see their father, or their father chooses a different path in life which doesn’t involve their child, so I am just happy she has a father who loves her and wants to spend time with her.

Another difficult thing that comes along with co-parenting is different parenting styles. For example, when Penelope comes back to my house after a weekend at her dad’s, she thinks she can get whatever she wants right when she wants it. If she doesn't get ice cream at 10 in the morning she will throw a fit, you would think her life was over…she can be very dramatic. She is also very smart and realizes after a day or two that acting like that at my house won’t work for her, but as soon as I get her back on track, she returns back to her dad’s and the cycle starts over. This is something I try to communicate with her father about, but there is only so much I can do. I hope as she gets older the transitioning from both of our houses gets a little easier so this does not continue.

There will literally be days she comes back from her dad’s and she is just laying on the kitchen floor, and while I’m walking around the kitchen making dinner I have to step over her, but there are also days she comes back and hugs me for five minutes straight and wants to hold my hand in the car all the way home while we are singing and dancing to her favorite songs.

Co-parenting is extremely difficult, but my advice for anyone going through it is to just focus on your child and stick with your gut feelings. If you don’t think something is in the best interest for your child, don’t do it. Also, if you don’t have kids yet, keep all of this in mind before having a baby. Yes, Penelope did nothing but make me a better person, but there is so much I did not think about.