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[allosflowers]

Tuesday Oct 27, 2020

it’s been 9 months 10 days 1 minute since I last said anything on this journal, for many very personal reasons that I did not discuss in any detail besides throughout my writings. but which I will now go into excruciating detail.

Hello, my name is Edynn. I am a 16-year-old transgender female born in California, brought into this world by two parents of the opposite sex and mixed heritages. although I admit I do not look very mixed. I for a great majority of my early to late adolescents; have been subjugated intentionally and unintentionally to the dramatic undertow of trauma. in short, I just said I’m depressed in a fancy way. in January you could say I was in remission (sorta). On the outside looking in I looked perfectly fine, a suitable teenager with first world problems like internet addiction, a high libido, and unlimited and unsupervised access to porn, gore, music, Reddit, YouTube. the usual, I was unconditionally depressed, and after a long time of taking advice from free people, I can say that this was a problem. I felt I wasn’t good enough i felt i was not talented i wanted to be more attractive, more likable! but all it ended up doing was make me less attractive and less likable. i struggled to get the words out in a way that didn’t make me look desperate and needy. so i stayed quiet, i stayed very quiet even though i would say things like. “i’m so sad i hate my face my body my life my mom my dad my friends” i wouldn’t say it. it would just come out like routine. like “oh i’m a teenager so i’m supposed to say these things, this is the talk that we speak” but that’s what ended up putting me in the hospital... those words put me there. in a state. in a box. my words started to equal actions. and those actions became unsustainable.

The day I was put in the Hospital is a day I can remember for how unmemorable it was. I woke up, I brushed my teeth, I hugged my grandma, I threw my Anti-Depressant away, I was driven to school, I was late, I felt sick, I walked and talked like every day, I sat down and wrote, I sat down and wrote, I sat down and wrote... and what I wrote was this

“i know that it’s pathetic to be writing on the back of a math test like come on like YOU give a shit about me like I give a shit about me, it’s not like you have to care, you can just throw this away, you can just give this to a teacher that won’t do shit, and I’ll stick my head into a void, annul as much to you as to me, you don’t have to worry I’ll save you on the paperwork, i won’t come back. you won’t see me on Monday”

an hour and 10 minutes later i was called into the office to be talked to by local law enforcement, i can’t remember the questions but it was long and sad and uninteresting. i remember the lunch bell ringing and me walking and me sitting in a class and me walking outside of the class to think about what was going to happen next, i was getting texts from my friend that i ignored. i was getting worried, i started to formulate a plan on how i was going to do it. not that i didn’t already have a plan but i was going over it. i was unable to go to my next class due to my friend who was texting me being in that class, so i skipped. and i sat in the bushes on the side of my school until i heard the bell.

i heard a text from my mom that said “I’m picking you up from school early” and my heart sank, i thought that she knew. i felt like i was trapped. i walked to my last class after the bell had rung and i sat down. i told the person sitting next to me that i was going to kill myself and then the note of early dismissal came. i walked down the hall. mumbling happy birthday to myself. it was march 6th and my birthday is on the 23d but i thought that i was done for. like i was not going to be free. like this was my last day alive.

i got in the car thinking that they were going to yell at me. but they didn’t. it was so quiet I though that they were the people who needed help. my dad asked me, “where do you think we are going?” I said “I don’t know”

He said that we were going to go pick up bricks I felt a sigh of relief the Car ride was long and mostly boring with classic rock playing over the radio. And my dad making casual Smalltalk. They asked me how my day was and I said I was fine. I didn’t feel like telling them anything. I felt like I was suffocating in the claustrophobic space. We ended up going to some random person‘s house in a secluded suburban neighborhood. Where we picked up bricks and loaded them into our car. We drove home and that’s when my mum got the call from my school counselor saying that I had been in a psychiatric emergency during school. The preceding conversation is something that I’m not comfortable explaining but it was bad. The argument concluded that I was mentally unstable and that I needed immediate psychiatric help. My mum took me home forced me to eat something to drink something and then we went off to the emergency room where I stayed for the next 63 hours. Because I am transgender they had a hard time placing me into a psychiatric home. But after almost 3 days they did end up putting me into a home

I stayed there for 2 months.

it's been almost 6 months since and I feel like a new person 

I am a new person

[allosflowers]

January 17, 2020

i forgot about the songs thing yesterday so ill just tell you today. dancing with myself was stuck in my head yesterday and a bit today. but for today it’s uptown girl. i hate myself sometimes. anyway, I’m very happy for today because i get to bring my laptop to school. not only that but i am going to my girlfriends after and it’s going to be really nice. i get to hang out with her until like 11 ish. i’ll tell you tomorrow 

[allosflowers]

January 16, 2020

hello, it’s going to rain today. I am very happy about that. I put out a song yesterday called backpack 3+x and I think it’s the best book I’ve put out in a long time. anyways I’m going to be working on an animation soon. like a long one this time. and I want to get my two friends to do voice lines of it. I have 4 really solid spook songs that are going on the album and I think this might be the best spook album yet. I mean we are spending more time on it that we do normally 

[allosflowers]

January 15, 2020

trumps on TV and I tried learning 1937 state drive on bass with little success, I had the thought of bringing my laptop to school but it’s a $1000 so I’m just going to not. I know a lot of kids who would look at me and my twig arms and get an idea of how to kill me. anyways. Progress On The Animation: I can already feel this one is going to take forever. I’m going to start putting songs I like at the end of this because what if one day I look back and I want to see what I was listening to. today this morning it’s 1937 state drive.

[allosflowers]

January 14, 2020

so no luck on the whole band member thing but I feel a bit better today than I did yesterday. yesterday felt so weird for no reason. partly because it was a Monday and I didn’t want to be there but I don’t know what it was about everyone but it felt like they were all upset. even the people that seemed happy. hopefully, today is better and holiday doesn’t get in a car crash or something and Vern don’t chop his dick off. anyways that all for today   

[allosflowers]

January 12, 2020

hello, It’s been a few days since I’ve said anything. today was off, but it could have been worse. I have a problem though, I need to find band members but I can’t bring myself to go out and find people, I guess I’m writing this because I hope that putting my thoughts out on a stupid website will make me realize how dumb I'm being. I’m going to try to ask my friend who’s name will not be said because of privacy reasons. but all you need to know is that she’s in the band and she knows more people than me that are into music. so I hope she will know someone. more specifically I am looking for a bass player and a drummer. honestly, I could do everything else myself but I can’t play drums unless I find a guitar player and vocalist. which sucks, but you know what tomorrow will be a better day I hope. so good night 

[allosflowers]

January 9, 2020

wow today fucking sucked

[allosflowers]

January 8, 2020

so yesterday I went to the doctors too and I have to wait. I’ll be fine. anyways I came to school late so I missed first so I didn’t get to see my new hopefully cool teacher. when I got to school late all I did was copy my friend's homework that I didn’t end up doing at home but fuck you I will do what I want and sleep. we got new seats for most of the classes I hope. I don't know for English but I know for math bio and Spanish we did. anyways enough with school, I got an animation done. and to backtrack to note one on here I did finish that animation about Geoff, and I made another one about Adolf. whatever the new one I made was about the hospital and it's about a guy named kyle who becomes so overwhelmed with guilt after his doctor dies on the way to see him that he ends up taking his own life  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv-5HdUv0SU

anyways i have to go to school soon so I'll talk tomorrow if I can 

[allosflowers]

January 7, 2020

I can't remember I said that I was going to do this every day but ummmm... fuck doing that, that’s way to much work. alright into whats been going on. i got a stylus big happy about that. and i made two animations that i’m proud of they took about 2 days to make each. i hung out with some of my friends like holiday and vern, and i haven’t been able to sit properly for the past couple of days

[allosflowers]

January 1, 2020

today is as the title says the first day of the new year 2020. and to me, that's kind of scary. I'm not really sure why but it makes me have a very looming dread in my mind that something is going to kill me. that was a joke. not a very funny one but whatever. I told myself I was not going to make this into a journal but look at me now. in my head, I would rather waste people's time than waste paper. and I already waste paper with the stupid drawings I do. I did this a really long time ago, and by a really long time ago I mean maybe a year or so ago. the last thing I remember talking about was I wanted to have long hair like Stu McKenzie from KGATLW, now all I want to do is lay in bed and watch youtube like everyone else does. whatever I've found some new interests besides masturbation. I’ve been getting a bit better at skateboarding. I also ordered a stylus for my new laptop. I got a Microsoft Surface Laptop (Gen 1) It sounds like I'm talking about a Pokemon, it has a touchscreen so that's good for animation and drawings I want to get into. also, I have a cool idea for an animation that will probably never come out because I'm stupid, I’ll check back later if I actually care about finishing it. I hate this. I can't believe I am going to have to do this every day, and hopefully, my friends don’t see this. i’m fine btw just sad and a bit stupid      

[allosflowers]

this is the lead-off single off my sophomore album “The Grass to Pick and Soliloquy Trees” 

lyrics:

oh this is how you die don’t tell me what's wrong or what's right

it’s going to be okay

it’s a hard price to bargain for, its been waiting on the shelves forever its been waiting on the shelves forever  its been waiting on the shelves.

oh, it’s going to be okay, how life is going. how life is changing course. 

you’re going to be alone (6x)

place blame on martyrdom is coming home (coming home)

[allosflowers]

this is the album cover for my album luminescence, which you can listen to on Bandcamp now 

https://allosflowers.bandcamp.com/album/luminescence