allyx0017

[allyx0017]

29Jun2023

Random Thought which I don't know if it will make any sense of not. but here it goes.

Life.

Life is unfair. It will never be. Some people will be grow up with a 'golden spoon', and others did not. May ibang lumaki sa masayang pamilya at mayroon rin hindi pinalad sa buhay. May mga taong mapalad at nakukuha ang ninanais at mayroon ring mga taong hirap na hirap makuha ang gusto.

And yeah, that's life.

Life is Unfair.

Pero hindi naman dahil sa unfair ang buhay hindi ka na pwede maging masaya. You still can be happy kahit pa isa ka sa hindi pinalad na tao sa mundo. Because it will be up to you kung pano magiging takbo ng buhay mo. It is not fate or destiny that dictates your life but you, your choices and your actions in life are.

Ika nga ni John Maxwell, "Life if a matter of choices and every choice you make makes YOU"

Meron pa isa akong isang nabasa na quote "Your life is a result of the choices you have made."

And those lines make sense. Kasi sa bawat kilos ng isang tao, nabase ito sa choice or sa desisyon pinili nya. Mula sa paggising sa umaga haggang sa pagtulog mo.

It is your choice when to wake up, when to go out of the bed, What to eat, what to drink, what to wear, what to do and so on and so forth.

Life is bounded by the choice you make. So it is up to you if you'll be happy or not. Of course it will never be easy, problems and struggles may arise along the way, but it is not impossible to achieve.

First of all, it starts with YOU. It is important to realize and know that your life is "YOUR LIFE", buhay mo ito, sarili mo. Hindi ito buhay ng iba. You should know the importance of yourself. It will be up to you if you'll let yourself grow or stuck from where you are. YOU, yourself is important. "life is the result of your choices" ika nga.

So once you establish this sa sarili mo, next thing is to learn the art of Acceptance. In every aspect of life, you will always encounter this word - "Acceptance". Madalas nga sabihin nila 'Acceptance is the key', which is true. It is really the key to life, to growth, to your true self.

If you'll be able to accept who you are, you be able to see things more clearly. You'll be able to be true to yourself. You be able to let go those negative things that keep dragging you down. You'll be able to let yourself grow.

I know this is hard. Easier said than done. No matter how many books you read, how many advices you heard, how many tedtalks or podcasts you've watch, it is hard to accept things that your not ready yet. So just let it be, take it slowly, one step at a time. No need to rush yourself. Let time heal your wounds. Just take it slowly until the day you'll be able to accept things wholeheartedly. Be also reminded to accept yourself for a postive way not negatively. You don't need to drag yourself down once more.

Once you've be able to accept things and who you are. Your point of view in life will be broaden. Makikita mo ang mga bagay bagay ng mas malinaw. You be able to see, feel and know things that were always been there but you didn't see.

Ganun ang buhay pero nasa sa akin kung paano magiging takbo ng buhay ko. Life if unfair but it is up to me if I just let myself be miserable or be happy. Life if unfair but it is up to me if I'll let myself grow and become a better version of myself.

Life is unfair but I won't let it drag me down.

But at the end of all this thoughts, I just want to ask myself again,

Is life unfair?

hmm.. I guess it a yes and no.

ps. Why there's no in the end? simple. because in a way. Life is also fair. Every living person have their own struggles to live by. Lahat tayo may problema, lahat tayo may pagsubok sa buhay. Privilege or not. We are all living beings deserved to live and be happy.

--

This things is really just a random thought. I just wrote down whatever that did come to my mind and they are lost of thoughts that running through it. Posivitely and negatively.

But for now let's just stick with this.

No need for edits. I just want my thoughts to be raw.

[allyx0017]

To Him,

One thing's for sure, you are a special person in my life. You make me happy and I really do enjoy being with you.

I would love to reciprocate those feelings you invested me. Believe me, I do. I would love to make you smile, to make you happy. To be with you without any pretentions or what ifs. But then.. i am a very very coward person. For every confess you make, I would answer back on my mind but I always get tongue tied. I can't say it. I am scared. Way too scared.

I'm not nice. Hindi ako mabait tulad ng lagi mong sinasabi. I am coward, overthinker and a selfish person.

If you would asked what what I do really want, I just things to stay what they are. Yung ganito lang, enjoying the moment as it is. Pero alam ko hindi pwede, hindi dapat. It is way too selfish. I would just continue to hurt you.

We should have stop. I should have stop this. Before I make things worse for you.

I'm sorry.

Soon, I'll be able to say this to you directly.

konting panahon lang. I really don't want any of this ro stop but letting you go before I hurt you more would be better right?

After all, I don't think I can be ready anytime soon.

I don't think I'll be ready at all.

[allyx0017]

It's been so long since i've been here. Actually there's a reason. I'm not actually the type of person who expresses myself through words or even write a diary to let it out. We'll I actually have one but more of I want to make a scrapbook and just when I'm in my mood. Ang tagal nga ng entry per entry hahah.

So yah, I'm more like of expressing my inner thoughts just in my mind. Everything happens in my mind. Laht ng mga pinakagusto ko sabihin and everything. Kaya ayan. Epic fail rin tong tumblr na to hahahah. Wala ako sipag magsulat ng kung anu ano. Wala ako sipag idaldal lahat. I just write something lang talaga kapag naapaw na. Pero pag ok pa, ' Hi inner self, let's talk'.

So yun pag ganun na apaw. I run to twitter. I created a private account na ako lang nakakakita and say all those short words i want to say. Hindi ung ganito kahaba hahaha. Tamad nga siguro ako.

But hey, I'm still fine. And I think I'm okay. Well as of this moment haha. Yes there are times that I down. But I am really ok.

Hahaha.

-allyx (naligaw ulit sa tumblr at nagkwento ulit)

[allyx0017]

Hmmm... I want to write something. But my mind goes... blank. I'm bored.

[allyx0017]

Not a rant, but just a thought.

I just need to let it out of my mind before it gets worse. Please also excuse me if I say it wrong, for wrong grammar, punctuations.. I just really need to let this out.

As of this moment, I don' t have someone to talk to. I've been bottling up my thoughts for months now and its making me tired. So much. To be honest, I really do have friends, friends I was blessed to have. They are the nicest and I do love them, but... they are happy right now. I don't want to ruined it. I don't want to be burden them anymore like what I did last time. Lalo pa ngayon na ang hirap ipaliwanag bakit ba ako ganito ngayon.

Besides, i don't think they could understand me. Kasi ako nga d ko maintindihan sarili ko. As of now, I am already on a heated battle with myself. A part of me tells me I'm lonely for a reason I don't know or maybe I already know it, I just don't want to acknowledge it. And another part of me tells na... "inarte" lang ito. That I was never lonely, I just wanted to be one. Na it was just all up in my head. That it was nothing and I just make a big deal out of it.

I just make myself worse.

Just to be clear, I don't have any suicidal thoughts. I love God and besides I don't think I have the guts to do it. I'm a coward person. But this didn't stop me from thinking.. when it will end. And how. Uhm.. is it bad? Me thinking about how I'll die? But it's not like I'm thinking of me killing myself just to end it. So it's still good.

But know what, sometimes its scares me. Lalo na nung nagkarandom thought ako na... "naghihintay lang naman ako na..." Shit. Even now that I'm typing this, naiinis ako ako sa sarili ko bat ko naisip un. Huy! Ang arte mo po. Anong drama yan??!

But please let me type now. I'm just soo tired right now. Tired of overthinking, tired of meeting their expectations, tired to be me.

Pagod na ko. Sa ngayon.. mas gusto ko na lang matulog. Haha. Siguro tamad lng ako at inarte nga lang talaga to.

I've already tried things to make me feel better. Actually it work, but just a short while. i still end up being this shit. I learned ukelele, I go out alone, sometimes with friends. Play different games to spare me from thinking things. Joining the page groups to try to interact to others about stuffs you have in common. But yah.. still end up here.

Typing this. 😏

Nakapagsulat na nga ulit ako sa black notebook ko (my negativity notebook) after months of hiatus doon. Actually I never thought that I'll write something again in there. Or here.

Pero yan. Meron na... ulit.

Legit ba tong lungkot na to? Lam mo feeling ko inarte lang. Last year I was also this lonely but I never cried. As much as I want to.. I couldn't. Pero ngayon parang ang iyakin ko.

Seriously this. This thing stresses me out. It makes everything gloomy. Empty.

Mas nahihirapan na ko makita yung kasiyahan sa bagay bagay na madali ko naman nagagawa noon.

Sometimes, I just wish I can go back before. But yeah, alam ko that's just impossble.

Smile.

Nito ko lang nalaman, madaling ngumiti pero mahirap maging masaya.

Now, how can I tell this to my friends or family? Eh sa mga simpleng bagay nga, hirap nila ako maintindihan. Tas okay na sila eh... so why would I share my negative vibes to them.

I'll be fine.

Yah. After all, inarte lang to.. mamaya wala na yan. Okay na.

Shut up na ah. 🙂

__.

[allyx0017]

[allyx0017]

What’s on your mind?”

Earlier at work, during our break specially, topic namin is yung funny videos na shineshare ng isa sa mga colleagues ko. Actually that scenario would be an ordinary one until that one remark of one of my colleagues.

I find his joke waaaay below the belt. 

“mas ok na yun atleast yun puro share ng memes may nagrereact eh yung isa haba-haba ng pinopost wala naman nagrereact.“

And obviously yung pinaringgan ay ako. Yes I know it was a joke. A half-meant joke, na sinabi nya for the sake of biruan. But the thing is, I was offended. 

My social sites were one of my breathers of this chaotic real world and hearing those words from someone? Ang sensitive ko man sa part na ito pero a part of me felt suffocated. 

First of all, I know for a fact that I don’t have that much reactors at Facebook. And seriously, believe it or not hindi big deal sakin kung konti nagreact or sobrang dami. 

I don’t post things or share my thoughts to seek attention. 

I post and I share my thoughts to let it our of my mind. Kung magreact ka sige, kung di mo gets sinabi ko then shut up. As far as I’m concern my thoughts doesn’t jeopardize someone else’s life. It is mine and mine alone.

And actually, me sharings thoughts has actually do have another reason. It is acutally me being sentimental. Diba, may feature si FB na “memories”. A feature wherein, they’ll show you post years before. So yun, one of the reason that I post was because of that, It was for the future me a year or maybe five years from now. It was for her to see what I was before. 

For her to show that I was strong. 

For her to tell that this me in this year, have this kind of thoughts. Alive and still keeping on fighting. 

That was the main reason why I say what’s on my mind at my social media accounts. Plus na lang yang reactors na yan and maybe who knows (wishful thinking), may mamotivate ako sa mga sinasabi ko. 

Anyways, I not going to stop sharing my long thoughts just because may nanita or what. I’ll still say what I want. I still post what I like. Kung ayaw nila problema na nila yun. Wala naman akong sinabing basahin nila or what. I’m not forcing anyone to react. As long as wala ako natatapakang tao. Magpapatuloy ako. 

Just ignore them. 

Haaay. Haba no? Well that’s because I’m somehow pissed and offended. 

Aaaand I really have this urge to let it out. so yah, I spilled it here. DIto na lang, I don’t need their reactions for this. sigurado kasi ako pagpinost ko to sa facebook, It will be the “talk” tomorrow and that would be the last things that I want kasi ayoko na ng inis kong to bukas. 

After all, tomorrow is a new day. 

adieu.

-- allyx

Third.

Definitely a Rant. 

[allyx0017]

My Perception vs. Theirs

Ang hirap lang talaga kapag may gusto kang gawin or napagdesisyunan na gawin tapos hindi maintindihan ng mga tao sa paligid mo bakit mo ginagawa yun. 

Na kahit sinubukan mo na ipagliwanag kung bakit... ayaw ka pa rin nilang paniwalaan. Hays. 

We’ll actually, di ko na pinapansin. Madalas rin hindi na ko nagpapaliwanag. 

May fave word... “basta.”

Haha, 

Nakakapagod rin kasing magpaliwanag sa mga taong di rin naman ikaw papakinggan. Ay mali, nakakapagod magpaliwanag sa mga tao gusto lang marinig ang gusto nilang marinig.

Pero, alam mo yun, minsan. Nakakapuno rin yung ganyan.

Yung kahit di mo hinahayaan ang sarili mong maapektuhan sa ganyan, may time na darating rin talaga na maapektuhan ka rin.

And what’s worse when that happen? You even start to doubt yourself.

Na bigla ka na lang mapapatanong... mali ba talaga ako? Di ko ba kaya? Idenial ba ako? Nagbubulag-bulagan ba ako?

Ano ba ang tama?

Hay, what to do, what to do?

-

ikalawang hinaing ng aking magulong utak.

--allyx

[allyx0017]

Back on Tumblr.

I’m back on tumblr. It’s been years since the last time I open this application. Well obviously this is a new account. I’m actually thinking these past few days if I’ll use the old one or this newly created account. 

And here I am, using the new. Why? Maybe, I just don’t want to taint that happy, vibrant old account of mine with this twisted version of me. 

The me today. 

How funny, I never thought I’ll be this pessimistic, over thinker person I am today. 

You know what, before.. I am this happy-go-lucky person who just go with the flow on everything that comes and go on my way. I always, always look on the bright side of everything. Staying positive despite of the the problems that life throws at me. 

Little did I know, the little me inside is slowly dying. With me, always going with the flow... people slowly took me for granted. With me, being positive, I neglect that there are times that I need to be lonely for me to be able to grasp the reality. 

Little did I know, I became coward, I was running away and now when the things get worse, I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t actually know anymore. Haha, What can I say, there are times that I am fine, way totaaaally fine. then all of a sudden, I felt blank. 

But hey, I may be a coward but I am not a quitter.

I’ve learned my mistakes and slowly I am trying to get myself back.  

Fighting a battle against thyself is hard but it is not impossible to win.

So yep, 

This is the first rant of my twisted mind.

[allyx0017]

going out alone whenever I feel suffocated of the world I'm currently in.