almostalmosts

[almostalmosts]

04 December

Never knew the month of December would be so trying

It hurts worst when you do this, read and ignore and go radar silence. And it makes me lost cos I’m not sure how to reply or what you want- you wouldn’t say.. to leave u alone? To continue reaching out? To risk being irritating? To think are u done with me and hate me so to completely do this to me.

I don’t know what to do, some days when I have it in me I can calm down and be rationale and patient and loving. Some days when I feel I need you and miss you I no longer can understand why you do what you do and I lose it and I want to step out of what we have. Sadly I’m not the best at the latter and sadly too I’m not sure which you’d want me to do

Can I share something with you- a small part of how I feel? It feels almost like betrayal,when someone whom I could once connect with becomes somebody, in my perspective, who suddenly no longer can or wants to. This was someone I connected with and trusted physically and emotionally. I relied on, who lifted me and I lifted him.So I keep asking myself at every breakdown, at every uncertainty what were the signs? Where did it all go wrong? Where did he go wrong? Where did i go wrong? And Together with that small voice in me-i don’t want this to go wrong. I can fix this. We were once perfect, we can do this again. Even though it feels like an “I” now.

So I keep fighting. Hence my texts. I feel embarrassed at my attempts to love you and reach out to you sometimes , I feel my pride is all over on the floor. But in love, there is no pride right? That’s the last thing I want to come in the way.

I wish you could tell me at least if you still want me to fight for you. So at least if I leave I can do so gracefully not foolishly clinging when your love is lost. If you want me to fight I will hold on because I believe in you.

I love you. And I hope you’ll talk to me soon. Night love.

[almostalmosts]

Had date night here some time ago yea (: miss that

[almostalmosts]

If you would let me love you I would

If you would let me stay up to wait for you to come home and then bathe and cuddle you to bed I would

If you would let me set my alarm at five to make you your usual half boiled eggs and tea and send you to work I would

Id tuck in your shirt for you and lace your shoes (nicely I promise, not like when we were 10)

If you’d let me make you play lists and write you sweet notes I would

If you’d let me kiss your across your face, eyes and chest everyday I would. If you would hold on to me and never let go I would too, if you would tell me you love me when I forget or am scared I’ll say the same ten times more in every love language I know.

But why am I feeling you don’t want all of these that I want to give and I still want to keep giving? I’m scared I’ll stop loving you one day like how I do now because I don’t ever want that to happen my dear. I want to grow old with you, go on car rides with you, soak in tubs with you. I want to learn all about fishes from you, I want to love pixie the way you do, i want to hear you talk about your watches and shoes all day.

I really want to. Would you let me and appreciate if I do?

[almostalmosts]

2 December

These few days of missing you have come so hard, I don’t know why too I wish I didn’t need to feel so strongly about it or cry about it when I’m on my way home in the bus or to sleep. I really miss you and it feels really bad and I’m filled with so much uncertainty of now and the future with you.

I want to text you but you wouldn’t reply my texts , it feels like nothing I do or say works anymore and I’ve lost you. And I’m just not ready to lose you- if this is the process of losing you and coming to terms with it I want it over soon. It’s been so long ,love-of holding on and hurting and missing , i don’t think sad is ah appropriate descriptor anymore. And because of my needs I end up making mistakes that I’m ashamed of and I feel awful about and that hurt you. I didn’t want any of that I only wanted you and time with you. Dad keeps asking me how my boyfriend is and I won’t know how to reply, hed ask and everytime I ask him to keep quiet I hurt so badly inside to be reminded of your absence. You see I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this...

It’s our monthsary again tmr and I miss you. I miss your voice ,ur hands and just you. I miss you. I don’t know when I’ll next see you ,I don’t dare to ask or demand. I don’t know if you want to see me anymore either and I don’t want it to be at the end of the sgh posting when you finally do get time, you won’t want to see me either. I don’t know how I’d deal with that . I’m scared dommie.

I wish I loved you less. Just a little bit

And I wished everytime I told myself To be strong let go and move on I actually saw through to it. Do you think I’m silly to be feeling all these? What would you do if you were me? I’d ask u last time cos u were my best friend too and we’d talk about everything and ur logic always makes sense- but I think I lost that too.i need you dommie and I don’t want to feel like this, can you help me, please?

[almostalmosts]

All my life , I thought it’d be hard to find the one till I found you ♥️

There are days I wake up and I pinch myself

You’re with me not someone else

And I’m scared yea im still scared

That’s it’s all a dream

Cos you still look perfect as days go by

Even the worst ones you make me smile

I’ll stop the world if it gave us time

I love you, I wanna open up my heart. I wanna make room, and I’m terrified of losing you.

This song always brings tears to my eyes and all I see in my mind is you, your smile and the way you hold me. I miss you so much.

[almostalmosts]

Im heading to bed now

Been waiting for your text the whole day love. Really the whole day. I don’t know what I want from you anymore or what I can even expect.

I’m trying to be strong to stick to my words and move on too...it’s just perhaps I’m not as strong as I want to and I find it so easy to think back about how much I really really love and care for you. It’s just such an easy habit to fall back into.

I hope you understand I can’t anymore and it’s my own heart I have to guard. I’ve given you many many chances. It just feels that currently you don’t have the capacity to love and care for me and to be in this relationship and it hurts cos with every text I send and every one that goes unread or unanswered, I realize how not important I am in your life rn, how little you actually care to treat me like that. I’m going to step away. Painful and as unwilling, I am going to step away. I will give you all the space, time and distance you need, be it to cope with better, find someone else to love or invest in the relationships that matter to you.

I just want to remind you dom that your work is not your life. There are a million other aspects of what makes and defines you and a million other ways that you affect/influence the people around you. Remember amidst your hustle to stop, breathe and remind yourself to hold dear what truly matters at the end of the day.

[almostalmosts]

Hey sweetie

Haha bunny butt picture- such a perfect butt it has doesn’t it. GAA now I want a bunny too. I thought it would be fun us next time- ur probably the only other one who told me he didn’t want kids and only wanted dogs- damn I should have proposed to you then

Anyhow for so much fun talk, today I asked to break up with you. Since The morning and even at midnight u still haven’t replied me. I don’t know what to feel anymore nor can I wrap my head around your thoughts- what’s really going on? Is it u can’t be bothered or u need time? Is it you have nth to say or too much to say? If you would ask me for one more chance and tell me you’ll try harder, you know that I’ll always want you and I wouldn’t give you up for the world if you told me you’d try just that little bit more for us to work, cos you want us to.

I want us to- I want to live in our little apartment together and snuggle throughout the weekend while we figure out how to make perfect truffle scrambled eggs and fluffy pancakes. And then we’ll bring our doggies for a walk and sneak to a cafe to chill and hold hands. And then in the evening we’ll switch on amazing music and make love all night with alcohol and chocolate.

Would that work for you? Would you want to do that with me? I honestly don’t think I’d ever get enough of you even if I woke up next to you every morning and kiss the sleepiness our of your eyes

<3 I love you dom

[almostalmosts]

[almostalmosts]

It’s been a long time I posted, crazy long. Wonder what stopped me cos the urge was always there, I guess it was the thought that you might never ever read all these - meaning we would eventually never make it hence there was no point. Perhaps.

I texted you on sat morning (I realize Saturdays are always the worst) and you sounded impatient at me and I just told you forget it. And I’ve not heard from you since...

In all honesty I’ve been anticipating your text, at least smth from you. I didn’t think you would give up on me so easily, not fight for me not ask me back. And then it dawned on me this is all what “I think” and I have been thinking and presuming about you for the longest despite the facts in my face. Maybe this is you, whatever you are now- this is you. I knew one side of you previously, when you were carefree and less stressed and now I see another side of you when you are busy and have grown accustomed to the person. And I realize it’s not smth you do and can undo, cos that’s just you. And maybe that’s when people say it’s time that tells you who a person is truly.

It’s funny, I know if this happened a month ago, I would have texted you and begged and cried for you to reply me and tell me you still want me. But today I realize I’ve done enough of it, all that. I’ve laid my pride on the floor, held no Defences against you never needed to win or have the upper hand. I’ve made do with so little, tolerated and understood so much and reached out tirelessly- gave to you, loved you and cared for you.I’ve got nothing in return- perhaps only a thorough engagement on sex for a day. haha. I don’t know to laugh or cry but well, it just made me realize so much about you. And that I’m at my wits end at how to save the relationship.

Simply you don’t cherish me, in your eyes- I am of little worth, I can be put aside, I will wait and tolerate. You don’t appreciate all I have done for you. You don’t put urself in my shoes- in short you are a selfish person. I thought I WAS a selfish person until I met you. And the funny thing is I still love you despite everything. But I know if this continues- and I continue to hold and wait for no promise or response and you continue to drain me dry of what I can give, it won’t do us any good. Me and you. You because you’ll just continue to take me for granted (now and in the future) and think that this is how love is while me I’ll just dry out and no, I don’t want that to happen to me. I want someone who tells me thank you I appreciate you. Tells me I wish I was holding your hand, I wish I could see you always, simple reciprocity.

I don’t want you and all your hurt and disappointment. If it’s because you don’t love me enough and can’t dig deep to find that love to show, I wish you find someone else that draws that out from you. It’s blissful to love, and be loved. I think we had that for awhile- and it was good(:

We’ll see how things turn out I guess. I hope one day regardless we’re together or not u get to see all these, because I feel all these are things you should think about to treat someone whom you should eventually find true love with, well.we won’t want you to miss that(: and I’ll be happy for you , promise I will.

[almostalmosts]

260918

While I type in the date interestingly my thoughts go back to wonder what we were doing on this day a year ago. I had known you again back then, and you were as if the answer to my prayers. As much as we can say work got the better of us/this relationship, I think we know deep down things have changed. Me wanting to find back the old you, or trying to chase back what we had I realised is futile. Its just some things are really hard to let go... I just wished we never made those promises or talked about the future like we did back then.

I’m trying to reconcile the emotions that I’m feeling right now, and unfortunately I have to do this alone. Maybe to you that’s weakness, that I always need someone when processing tough things, but I guess I’m just wired that way. I cant turn to my girl friends, because itd be repeating the same story over again and again and they would just stare at me incredulously like why am I still in this relationship. I cant exactly talk to my parents. Pushing how I feel about us out of my head is also escaping the problem, I really have no where to go and I don’t know what to do. I really wished you were here, just to listen and talk and not ignore. Day after day, unreplied message upon unreplied message, I feel a toxic resentment building in me. I think I hate you, sometimes I wish i could say this right in your face. That I hate you so much. For knowingly and purposefully putting me through this, for not compromising a single bit (even a good morning or a i love you once a day), for treating me the way you do because you think you can get away with it, for neglecting me, for failing promises, for not making any attempt to want to see me, for putting me all the way down for every mistake I make, for making me cry when you really shouldn’t. I hate you for all the hurt you have inflicted, I hate that I no longer feel I have the right to text you, I hate that when you read this it’d probably be way too late but I dont’t know how else to tell you because you’ll probably just ignore me and my heart cannot take your silence at my outpuring of emotions. Its like im standing naked right in front of you and you just take a glance and look away, not saying or doing anything, thats how i feel. its a terrible terrible feeling, dom. I pray you never have to ever feel like that.

And the problem is I wish I just hated youl. I wish you dont come to my mind duing my free times, I wish I dont anticipate your message at every phone vibration. I wish I didnt need to scroll through facebook because I miss your face. I wish that for every couple I see I dont wish I had your hand in mine. That hurts so much too. Beacuse I hate that I cannot control or put aside these emotions, I cannot do anything about them but write them here- in which I dont even know if you’ll ever see.

I feel so empty. The mention of your name stirs so much desire but is instantly surpressed because I dont want to be hurt anymore.I’m scared of you and I dont want to be put through what I’m going through now.  I really don’t know what to do and all the time I wish you could help me. But you cant and you wont.

[almostalmosts]

18.9

hey there. You asked me to write in my “damned diary” when i want to talk to you, or when im bursting with emotions and just need an outlet so I guess this is it. Haha, the mediums I have tried- telegram, instagram,whatsapp, imessage, email and now tumblr. Sometimes if its not desperation, I dont know how to describe it. Or is it not blind hope and faith for something I thought could have been beautiful?

I wonder when I’ll reveal this to you, thinking probably along the lines of christmas or our OFFICIAL one year mark- if you still remember it. If we are still together, haha.

Its been so long since I last saw you, not being corny but i really struggle to make out the details of your face now. Though the blur image of you keeps finding its way back into my mind, especially the cologne scent you wore on our last date, the way you bite your lips. I miss all of them. I miss you in your entirety, I miss you- all the bits and pieces of you and your memory(’:

My heart aches, then chills while typing this. Its a funny sensation cos I start recalling our nights at the rooftop in Tan Tock Seng, then those at my pooside, then it shifts back to these few days- where I have not had your hand in mine since god knows when. Are those tears in my eyes? yes. But tears for what, the joy of having had those memories, the pain of losing them or the state that I am in now- when I don’t get to hear from you, I no longer know.

I’m just willing myself to be brave and strong. I realise no longer for you or for the relationship but for myself. The three words are always at the tip of my tongue. The three words always cross my mind when I think of you.I feel in me the burning need to repeat these three words to you when i next see you, to cradle your face and remember every detail of it. To hold your large warm hands and have the pressure of it inprinted in mine for keepsake purpose. Then with my inventory full I think I can be stronger for longer. You’d want that for me too, wouldn’t you?

[almostalmosts]

That’s all I want. Just you and me. Always.

Lauren Oliver, Delirium (via books-n-quotes)