almostangrything

[almostangrything]

Bruce: *is dead again*

Dick: well this s-

Tim: *carrying a go bag* I can't believe this! I'm gonna put a tracker on him when I- oh hi Dick.

Dick: ...you don't think he's dead?

Tim: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE DIED! ok Alfred but at this point I think he's using this as a vacation from us but PAST THAT! Who ACTUALLY dies? Superman 'dies' every few years, Bruce keeps 'dying' hell YOU 'die' sometimes. Obviously Jason, Damian, Cas, Steph have all 'died', my friends have'died',BUT THEY COME BACK! everyone. comes. back. I'll be back when I find Bruce for the THIRD TIME! *slams door*

Alfred: *walking into the room* he's not wrong. Tea?

[almostangrything]

Humans are space orcs writing prompt.

No one can handle their drink like humans!

The biggest land animals on earth, elephants, can handle something being at a maximum of 7% alcohol by volume (abv)

Most species on earth can usually intake 1-3 abv.

With small species like rats only being able to intake alcohol in the milligrams range, at best 80mgs.

Meanwhile humans will sometimes knock back something that is 40 abv. We can drink a whole bottle of it and while we feel lousy the next day, we dont die from it.

If the majority is the precident, then a shot of vodka will be pretty much a death sentence for most alien species.

But there go the humans, just knocking it back and calling that a fun night.

[almostangrything]

The terrifying sound of silence

"Where is the Human?"

A question that incites dread across the Galaxy. And no greater when the Human in question is an engineer.

For weeks after her arrival aboard the Coalition joint exploration vessel Ulmanar's Resilience, the Human Jenna had been pestering everyone about the technical specifications, tolerances, build schematics, design philosophy, power outputs, and countless other microscopic details.

At first everything seemed normal, Humans are known to be curios, especially the technically minded ones, and her job would entail managing parts of the vessel's systems, so everyone was as helpful as they could.

Then Jenna started tinkering.

'Optimizing' is how she described it.

Admittedly, most of her modifications resulted in marginal improvements to energy distribution and mechanical motion efficiency. Although the fact the power reactors started to make audible noise was... unusual, but the readings said everything was fine, and the fact a day passed without explosions put everyone at ease - this was partly why a Human engineer was brought along in the first place.

During a short stop at a supply station before our first descent onto an uncharted planet, Jenna was the first to rush off with several cargo drones in the direction of the shipyard district. She was the last to return mere minutes before the scheduled departure, all covered in dust and oil, and the drones straining under the weight of everything she had procured.

"Don't worry, it's gonna be awesome." she declared.

It had been a while since our training and none of us had encountered other Humans in the meantime, so all of us had forgotten to immediately be alarmed by those words and question everything she was doing.

The following weeks of transit to our destination were marked by a severe lack of Jenna interactions or even sightings. The shuttle bay was a mess of disassembled craft, loose parts flung about, and sparks and rattling noises coming from the bowels of whatever was going on.

Unbeknownst to us, for the idea itself was ludicrous, Jenna was only within the vessel half of the time during this period. The other half she was in her spacesuit tinkering with the exterior of the vessel. Laser cutters and cold welding, not to mention the vacuum of space, make for a very silent work environment.

Perhaps it was instinct for most of us to avoid the confusing actions of a predator species descendant, as once we arrived to the designated planet, we learned we only had two surface shuttles left. Out of sixteen.

"This baby can land now!" Jenna happily said.

Confused beyond measure, we asked: "What do you mean 'this baby?"

"The ship, you know, Ulmanar's Resilience. We can land the whole thing now instead of doing this boring shuttling down thing. Plus the terraforming bot wouldn't fit in a shuttle anyway."

"The what?" our confusion continued.

"Yeah, we're gonna terraform this planet, right? That's what I got from the briefing back before joining you guys." she explained with innocence in her eyes.

There must have been some miscommunication, but the work had been done, and as far as our own technicians (who were scolded harshly for not keeping track of such grand changes to the entire vessel) did confirm that, as far as their understanding of mechanics and physics went, Ulmanar's Resilience can now indeed endure descent and commence takeoff from up to a 6G world.

So I guess that's what we're doing now. Preliminary surveys from past unmanned missions had suggested this world was once in the past and potentially now habitable again, and we suppose the Humans had decided to just set that in motion before more detailed analysis had occurred.

"Oh yeah," Jenna interjected, "if it turns out this place is, like, super dangerous and a threat to the Galaxy if we accidentally wake something up, I modified one of the scanning dishes to be a deep drill laser. Two hours of firing it at the core of the planet and it'll go boom."

...

"The planet, not the laser dish. That will explode if left on for more than three hours."

...

[almostangrything]

Humans Are Weird: Marathons

Am I the only one that thinks marathons are weird??? Not because I hate running (which I do) or because of the way people lose toenails (gross) but because of the history of it!! (I do know this is a legend but I like to *think* it actually happened because what a way to rub it in this guy's face)

Human *stretching*: You don't stand a chance. I used to run cross country.

Other human *also stretching*: I've ran four marathons. I am not intimidated.

Alien: What is a marathon?

*Both humans turning, looking far too excited*

Human: it's a long distance run. It can be an accomplishment to finish one.

Other human: 26.2 miles. It's not easy.

Alien: That is...a specific amount.

Other human: Well, there was this guy that ran that far once to announce a victory in battle and he promptly fell over and died.

Alien: so you...run it regularly to prove he was weak?

Human *laughs*: Exaclty

Alien *eyes wide*: You are ruthless.

If you want to see more scenes like this, I have a Humans Are Weird book! It's a full-length sci fi rom com based around scenes just like this with an overarching storyline! You can get it here -> https://tinyurl.com/azvfr4fk

[almostangrything]

so, i've fallen down the "humans are weird" rabbit hole, and i couldn't help but notice most of it is about how humans are just really durable, adorable, friendly, how we'd pack bond with anything, about how we have such a hive-mind and empathy and determination to survive when things get rough, how we could survive things most other aliens would die from, how we could eat stuff that would poison other aliens, how we inject ink into our skin and pierce it with pieces of metal and drink toxic substances for the sake of entertainment..

it's always human defences and endurance

but i never see people talking about human **aggression**

like, imagine a spaceship happens to have several humans on it even if most residents are alien species, and two of the humans get in a fight.

and i'm not just talking physical, i'm sayin' all kinds of fights.

imagine if two humans got in a serious screaming match and genuinely hurt a few of the alien species sensitive to loud sounds as they watch, flabbergasted at how the two are literally yelling in each-other's faces without breaking a sweat or getting tired from it, while one of the sound-sensitive aliens literally passed out because it was SO loud

or imagine them simply being in shock after interacting with humans for a long time and having this image in their head of humans being so friendly and able to get along with anything and anyone, including stabby, or any predatory, aggressive species we just so happen to find cute. that image getting completely shattered seeing two of the humans they're friends with showing clear anger and aggression in a display they could only describe as "terrifying" in the most visceral sense of the word

or two humans getting in an actual physical fight, and here's where the *several* humans on ship part comes into play,

so the two are duking it out in a violent display of pure hatred while other humans, amused and thoroughly entertained by the violence that would already have put any of the less durable aliens out of commission gather around the fighting pair and start ominously chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT"

prior, the aliens hadn't dared intervene or get any closer because either way they recognized it as a danger

meanwhile some humans JOIN IN for absolutely no reason and it becomes a full on riot

and the aliens just stare like ?????

confused at why they'd find it so endearing, at why they'd literally join for no reason at all, horrified by even just a punch to the gut because to some of the more vulnerable aliens that's their equivalent of literally getting an organ ripped out of them and somehow STILL fighting and then ripping out an organ out of the opponent themselves

and most of all, if humans are capable of befriending aggressive, large predatory beings and getting along with practically everything,

what from the fresh pits of hell triggered two *humans* to fight *each other* of all creatures?

(that is, assuming aliens don't have much knowledge of our history, wars, politics, etc of course.)

[almostangrything]

Hard to get out of bed sometimes

[almostangrything]

Secret Panel HERE 🙂 tapas.io/episode/1666275

[almostangrything]

A boy and his cow🌾

[almostangrything]

An artificial intelligence offers you and your crew help after a crash landing. It’s polite, logical, and functioning perfectly. The human refuses to enter the room with it.

The crew must try to understand why the human technician who can’t explain why—but gets violently anxious near the AI and insists, “That thing’s got serial killer vibes.”

[almostangrything]

Deathworlders everywhere but in Space

This is sitting in my brain because I haven't seen anyone else do this, but take a second to think about this: There are other deathworlders in space, terrifying ones, huge monster orc things. They are massive and nightmarish and impossibly strong. So thats why humans stand out. Thats how we survive. Human's are terrifying because we aren't built for one biome, one climate or even one planet. We aren't necessarily the strongest or fastest or scariest looking, but we're built to survive fucking everything. What if other deathworlder's are almost always only made to survive in one climate? (similar to some of the most deadly predators on earth currently) All the other deathworlders are terrifying, yes, but the second they step off their planet they're weak. Massive aliens of hulking muscle but their planet's gravity is a lot lower than the standard, so they barely meet the average strength bar whenever they go outside their gravity zone. Aliens that have venomous spikes all over their body and look gnarly as shit but their venom has practically no effect on 99% of discovered intergalactic species. Deathworlders whose planet is the nether from minecraft IRl, but they can't survive in any other temperature for any amount of time because their body just can't handle the cold and regulate their temperate (or, vice versa for tundra species). Aquatic species that are kraken-like nightmares, giant sirens and deadly squid-like beings. But they can't leave their home at all, because theres a very specific chemical makeup of their water that isn't currently found within their life-span distance travel. Deathworlders that genuinely can barely survive off planet and are frail compared to even the most docile prey species whenever they have to travel. Their called deathworlders because going to their planet is certain death, but if they leave they'll be meeting death just as quickly. And then along come humans, and everyones like, oh, another deathworlder, nothing to worry abou- wait. These guys dont seem to loose any of their natural strength off planet... and their fast and strong... and- AND THEY CAN SURVIVE IN PRACTICALLY ANY CLIMATE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE??? HELLO? Oh and of course their predators. Of course most of their planet is completely uninhabitable for most of us. Mhm, yep. thats fair. Totally Basically, deathworlders are a thing, the more common 'terrifying alien monster' type, but their harmless because they can't survive like everyone else. They can't thrive like humans can. It scares the shit out of everyone for a wholeeeeee while, after all, no one ever expected a deathworlder that doesn't die.

[almostangrything]

been binge reading all those alien meet human posts recently and it made me wonder how aliens would react to human fear/hurt.

humans are fragile.

humans are fragile and somehow, by attitude alone they somehow manage to outgrow the confines of their physical bodies. Their bravery and intelligence make them seem so so much bigger than they actually are. Fancy weapons and body Armour and their ability to work in groups up to such an extreme makes them seem like they're more than they are. They'll packbond with anything too- too friendly for their own good somehow it never comes back to bite them.

But they really are just flesh and bone and heart under all that armour.

Imagine a human gets hurt. They get hurt and they get scared. So, so scared that they won't let anyone near them. It was like watching a wild animal, primal and instinctual in a way that humans rarely ever show. Sure, they get protective but they still keep their head on, still think it through. But they were just doing things right now- punching things with a bony fist that looked somehow smaller now. Humans make ot a point to go against anything that should be their nature, seeing them lean into that deep seated natural instinct to fight was chilling to say the least.

They were bleeding, bleeding too much to be any type of good, but they couldn't help. Its only after they pass out from blood loss do the aliens take them too the medbay. The confines of their body finally catching up to them in a way that aliens forgot it could. Usually when injured, humans will tough it out. 'Adrenaline' and spite spurring them on to keep going. To see them have to give up was unnerving.

They're better in less than an hour, like nothing had happened at all. Still, the crew of aliens tread on egg shells for an entire month after the encounter. If they hover a little closer to their token human during fights after that due to the new and old knowledge of their humans fragility, the human can only sigh and hope that they forget.

[almostangrything]

Humans are so different to each other. Like imagine aliens actually being very similar to the others of their species and the humans show up and they just are so....unpredictable.

Alien: *is eating with a human and gives the human olives*

Human: *surprised* Oh. Do you not like olives?

Alien: I like olives. But you love them, right? So you can have it.

Human: Oh I don't remember mentioning something like that but...I don't like olives. I hate them actually.

Alien: *shocked and is questioning their life decisions* I was playing with your daughter when babysitting her and she said she loved olives.

Human: Yeah, guess she just likes them. I don't though.

Alien: But she's human.

Human: yeah. And?

Alien: Don't all humans like olives?

Human: Just because my daughter like olives doesn't mean I like them too.

Alien: *blinks slowly thinking and then gasps in relief* So you DON'T like murdering unlike the human on TV??

Human: WHAT- No- wait what. Have you been eating with me the whole time thinking I was a murderer???

Alien: I-I just wanted to respect your preferences and show support-

Human: If I was a murderer, I could have killed YOU!!! *so confused by alien's thought process*

Alien: ...still wanted to show support....

[almostangrything]

Humans are average at everything

And that makes other species crazy

"You swim well for your limb configuration but you will never be as fast in water as a Majoriranji."

Mo agreed with a nod. "They have fins, it's an unfair contest really."

"Nacbaqurs climb cliffs better than humans."

"Longer limbs, more fingers, that's no surprise. I know some elite climbers who could keep up but mostly ture enough."

"Chexits run much faster."

"Ah," Mo raised a finger. "They run on four legs, different configuration, unfair comparison. "

"My point is still valid. And you don't fly either."

"Mmm, no," Mo stopped to consider that one. "I don't think we have a winged ancestor. I have been sky diving, though, so I'm sure we missed out there."

"Sky diving? No, I have no wish to know. My question is this, why are you so feared? You cannot swim like a Majoriranji, or climb like a Nacbaqur, or run like a Chexit. Can you do anything special? Why should anyone be scared of humans?"

"Is that why you captured us? That's what you want to know?" Mo smiled as he leaned back in his chair. He had been afraid. Now he was amused.

He knew rescue was on the way. Just before the invaders managed to grab him and the other researchers, they were able to send a distress call. The Earth Alliance took attacks on their people seriously, they knew swift responses discouraged casual piracy.

"Okay, you'll probably be dead soon anyway so I'll give you a freebie. We're not the fastest swimmers, but most of us can swim and dive, and we can all hold our breath. We're not the fastest climbers, but our ancestors lived in trees, tall canopy plants, we can all climb. We're not the fastest runners, but we're not bad in a sprint, and we'll still be going hours after your fancy fast runners have collapsed and died of exhaustion. We don't have to be the best at one thing when we can be pretty good at just about everything."

[almostangrything]

The tall six armed alien sits at his desk, the prosthetic joints he has click and whir ever so lightly. He has a Terran captains hat, a "souvenir", as the terrans would call it, he got from a brief visit to one of his subordinates home planet... he is looking at the human who had just lost both of their arms from a nigh point blank explosion.

" ... sam..."

"yes boss?" The anxious human sat up and responded.

"I've heard of humans being nigh indestructible compared to even hellworlders like say, the troxzans... but you are missing two of your limbs and all you need to stay up now was a tight bandage?..."

... Sam didn't know what the captain's tone meant... certainly it wasn't of Terran origin.

"Is... is that praise or surprise? I... I can't tell... uh... I know that we are headed to a nearby friendly planet but... did you expect me to die?..."

"sam... I absolutely expected you to die... you were carrying anti vehicle explosives... that is meant to put holes in even large spacecraft... granted I don't know who thought it was a good idea to send the small bipedal crewmate to work with heavy explosives..."

The captain looked at the holo document in front of them. It was originally meant to be a notice of death to Sam's family. He hadn't expected the small human to survive being bedridden after profusely bleeding, much less get back up in about one and a half human weeks...

"captain?"

"yes Sam?"

"could... could I get my prosthetics in blue?..."

.

.

.

"what?"

[almostangrything]

[almostangrything]

Human saliva being numbing anesthesia for Aliens

Human: Injures their hand and starts licking their finger

Alien: What are you doing?

H: Oh this? Our saliva helps numb the pain.

A: How? Why?

H: I don't know man it's instinctive.

A: May I try?

H, a little weirded out but willing to do whatever: Sure dude, knock yourself out. *Spits on hand or whatever appendage aliens have*

A: Hand immediately becomes completely numb and unmovable.

H: Well that was effective

[almostangrything]

Honestly obsessed with the "Humans are the cats of space" corner of the whole trope.

We may be seen as objectively adorable. We're tiny predators, vicious and mighty with teeth and nails, but also easy to pick up and hold and swing around while saying "Babyyyy"

We're quiet and sneaky in the wild, hard to catch and contain, very effective hunters and climbers. But when domesticated who wouldn't just lounge around if we're given free food, unlimited sleep, and constant enrichment?

And same with cats, there's a variety of how humans act and feel about these huge creatures taking care of us. Some of us might be very chatty, very affectionate, some probably clingy if we trust our Alien enough. While others don't screw with their personal space, would scratch and bite if you do something they don't like. The affection is at their pace cause otherwise you'll come out with a few scars.

As small as we are, the more wild independent humans have the strength and means to take down predators so much bigger than us when the situation becomes dire enough. There's been cats who've gotten dogs, wolves, and bears singlehandedly.

A human that's been in an alien family long enough would probably chase off a huge threatening space creature to protect the alien young, just as cats have done for human children.

Imagine after a few years of integration with aliens, some humans don't get by well with taking care of their children so they find an alien that looks responsible and careful enough and they leave their young on their doorstep so they can grow up with all the food and shelter they could ever need.

Maybe they have a human distribution system where a person who's just tired of the human world picks a ship to stay on, and the aliens on board just accept it because that's how humans are. Maybe they help provide pest control for those space creatures small enough to hide in hard-to-reach areas of the ship.

And even amongst all this agility and predatory instinct, humans can still be pretty dumb and airhead and ridiculous. Imagine how hilarious aliens would find it when we get jumpscared or sneeze or feel the random need to stim and run around. Alien puts a long sticky parchment on that crevice of our backs that's hard to reach and watches as we struggle to reach and take it off cause it's annoying, same way we might put tape on a cat's head. Maybe they find the funky way a human mom tries to carry her too-big baby funny the same way a mom cat dragging her too-big baby by the scruff is funny.

Maybe there's a language barrier, but Aliens notice our odd human sounds and mimic them to get our attention, but they struggle with the different sound and pronunciation we just hear random gargled calls of "Molasses!" "Tree!" "税金!" when they're just trying to greet us. And you learn to recognize the pattern of noises that mean whatever name they gave you in their language.

Humans really are just big cats.