alreadydead23

[alreadydead23]

It also really sucks that that even though I’m upset with my husband and he’s not talking to me right now, all I really want is a hug from him. Really bad. I really love my husband and it really hurts to feel this way. I just want to be with him and be held by him but deep down I feel like he doesn’t. It feels like he hates me and he doesn’t want me in his life. I feel very shitty. I feel like I’m a bad wife for bringing these things up now for my sanity. I think at this point it’s just better to let it kill me to “save” my marriage

[alreadydead23]

When I’m sad I come here to write and rant about anything. I feel like I will never be happy again. Maybe I feel like that cause I’m upset at the moment. I wish I had a friend I can talk to for anything. Like in the old times. I feel like I will never be able to move on, pass these feelings. I thought it was feeling better and then I go down again and back up and then deeper than before. And this is one of the deeps ones.

I ruined my day looking at my husbands follow on this app that was potentially going to replace tiktok. He was follow a thirst trap account. I texted him and asked he he follow her. He said he “idk” and I replied don’t know what. And he said that he doesn’t remember doing that and that he doesn’t have content like that on the accounts. Part of me wanted to believe and the other part was like ehhhhh this is how it went. I asked for prove and he screen recorded whisky was fine but then I feel like all these other questions would come up and I stopped replying and it gave me so much anxiety I started trembling at work and I started crying. I felt like I couldn’t breath. I felt very angry. I thought it wasn’t going to make it thru my shift.

I got home said hi and laid on bed and basically asked why he didn’t answer back. He explained he felt attack and I asked if I can see his phone for reassurance and stoped speaking to me (didn’t give me his phone) I did more talking and just ended up looking stupid as usual.

Now I’m left feeling lonely

I don’t know what to think or feel or do

I just want a hug and to feel loved and also just rather be dead rn

[alreadydead23]

[alreadydead23]

nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

[alreadydead23]

Am I wrong for feeling this upset?

I texted him a few times and he didn’t answer me

But I saw that he was on TikTok 3 hours later.

4 hours later he still on TikTok and still no answer

Then he finally texts, just to ask at what time I work.

Yes I am upset very upset and hurt. I know it’s not a big deal but it made me feel upset and those are feelings I can’t help but feel them

He said I shouldn’t be upset. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and I let this bother me that much? That what I have said wasn’t even important

I know it was something important but I was excited to tell him that I got a compliment at the gym for hip thrusting 3 plates on each side (that’s a big thing for me). Also told him what someone texts me about a camper he was interested. Also shared some photos of a pretty pink motorcycle I saw….yea this things weren’t important but why do they have to be important for you to say something back?

He said he saw my texts messages but got distracted by something else and forgot to reply …..

I was forgotten

Now I lay in bed crying about it cause now he made me feel guilty for feeling the way I feel.

I wish I could forget through out the day that easily.

[alreadydead23]

I remember when we were dating I was so excited to be married and the idea of living together and being around each other everyday. Sleeping together and just doing everything together

8 years froward I find my self crying everyday

I find my self begging for simple things

I find my self so much more stressed

I find my self wanting to distant my self from you

Doing things together is not ideal anymore

You want to be alone most of the time

You make me feel like I’m a burden

I rather walk away then feel like a burden

[alreadydead23]

Idk some days I feel so deeply in love with you

Then other days I feel like your a stranger

I crave love and intimacy

Sex makes me feel loved and wanted

But your never in the mood

I try to connect in other ways

But you make seem like I’m crazy

for asking time with you

For a few minutes of just you and I

I feel rejected

Neglected

I’m pouring my heart and energy

But I don’t get the same

I get the bare minimum

Maybe 8 years is when it’s starts to really die

And that’s why so many get divorced by 10

You know your my best friend

I feel like a choice

Someone that’s just here

I’m like a plant that doesn’t get watered

I hate the inconsistency in my relationship

I hate begging for your attention

I hate asking if we can do something together

I hate asking if we can have sex

I hate asking if I can have a moment to talk to you

I hate asking in general

Can we spend a bit of time after the movie your watching

You say you don’t know

That it’ll be to late

I hate your excuses

But I take them

I take each and every one of them

Creates pain in me

I’m sensitive

I hate my self

Marriage sucks

I was want to be loved 🥰

[alreadydead23]

Actually this whole week I’ve been feeling down

I’m not sure why

I really don’t have motivation to do anything

I mean

Yes I still wake up early to go to the gym. I have to. If I don’t don’t not only will I feel down but I would start hating the way I look again

Anyways

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I feel stuck

But I don’t say anything anymore

I just don’t want to be a burden

It sucks

[alreadydead23]

Some days I find it really hard to do things

Simple things

Things that are my responsibility

I’ll start folding clothes

Then I’ll stop and just can’t get my self to continue

I’d want to sleep

I’m not even tired

Just mentally tired

I start to feel guilty for not getting things done

I start feeling angry at my self

The more I think about it

My chest gets tight

I think I’ll go for a second nap

[alreadydead23]

The thought about driving somewhere far and shooting my self in the head can’t leave my head …. It’s so vivid in my head

But I can’t imagine my two kids not being with out me. Not seeing my babies again or hugging them or saying I love you hurts so much.

[alreadydead23]

Before you would tell me that I never communicated with you

Now that I do I get shut down or gaslighted

I’m just going to keep my emotions and my thoughts to my self cause I just keep getting hurt

[alreadydead23]

I rather you destroy me then be the one to walk away

Because I simply cannot

[alreadydead23]

I really hate my self

For speaking

For asking questions

And feeling insacure

I could’ve simply just let it go

And had a good night but I asked the stupid question

That always fucks up the night

At some point I’ll stop asking

When? Who knows…

But it get tiring keeping my thoughts in ny head

I could really just put a bullet in my head right now

The guilt that comes after speaking up for what’s suppose to somewhat bring me peace

It’s insane

To be honest i think you lied to me

How your history is randomly gone from that app on that same day

So odd that that specific day your accidentally when on private browsing

So I’ll just have to pretend like it’s fine and it’ll kill me inside cause your words that add up just like when you were lying to me

Fuck marriage

It’s really hard when you loose the person you use to know

When you been hurt by someone that was suppose to be your home

But they choose porn over protecting you

Fuck everything

Just fucking kill me

I can’t stand living like this most of my days

It hurts so much and I’m just trying to survive my days holding it together

Trying to be the best wife I can be while also trying to be a good mother to my two kids

It’s hard

It’s really hard to

I’m trying to stay but it’s just gets so hard up in here that I feel like at some point I’m just going to end it all

End my suffering

Once I’m gone you won’t have someone asking for reassurance or asking you questions just so they have have a bit of peace in they’re head

One day

[alreadydead23]

I’m fighting my self everyday

These mood shifts are too extreme for me

I’m having a hard time and pushing my self to be happy

Even if I have to fake it

I’m pushing so hard

Idk how long I can push for but I will keep trying

[alreadydead23]

The fact that you thought I was making a big deal out of google search had me laughing 😆

And wondering how I saw that even worst. Transparency.

I felt like there was nothing to be transparent of tbh

I think you just wanted to know so you can look out for your self and hide things better

Why do you be transparent af as well

I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust you again

Doesn’t seeem like we’re building trust

I’m not asking you anymore

I’m looking sneaking around your phone

I care. I care very much

But I also care for my peace

But at the same time I don’t care much anymore

If you wana look at other girls

Fine

Know I’m not want you want has been accepted

A person that knows what they want, won’t hurt the other person. They’ll protect them at all cost

I was protected. I was hurt

I’m still hurting and I’ll forever have this hurt in me

But I’m just focusing on making you happy.

I want you to be the happiest

And the best version of your self

I care about you

Too much

That way when I’m not here anymore, you’d know that you are in a good place

[alreadydead23]

Sometimes I put on makeup and feel really pretty

I don’t want to wash it off

If I do I feel very ugly

I also hate putting on makeup for a 4 hour shift

But it’s also nice when people compliment you or call you pretty

Makes my day

My week actually

Maybe even my month

Such a great feeling

[alreadydead23]

I’ve realized that I love you so much that I let you come to the gym with me lol

It sounds funny but the gym feels like a place for me to relax

It feels like my thoughts

My thinking

Stops

For a moment

And I’m not saying having you come with me ruins it or makes me unhappy

If anything it makes me even more happy

I care so much for you and your health

I want you to feel so good about your body and just love the gym as much as I do

I’m happy I get a partner to spot me 😊

What I’m trying to say is I let you in my happy place

Where I’m constantly working on my body image

Fighting my insecurities

Cause you hurt me

But yet I don’t let that stop you from going with me

Yes I’ve stopped to think about if that’s what i really want

But not one day I have regretted you coming with me

I cherish each and everyday you come with me

Yes I get upset if you don’t wake up

But I know I’ll get over it and beat my self that day about it

But I can always try again tomorrow

I’m glad I have a gym bro 😎 lol