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bro, does this party have perfectly ripe summer heirloom tomatoes or do we need to pregame?

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releasing a song like "telephone" nowadays would be unthinkable. we need more anthems about wanting to shoot your shitass phone because it sucks and annoys you and you're too busy dancing to talk to your lame boytoy

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Honestly, y'all, I'm begging you. Take the time to think and learn for yourself. Even if it's just something casual like knitting or cooking. Exercise your brain. It's important.

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gay men are friends of dorothy. lesbians are friends of dan and phil

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Do you wanna play mermaids? Yay. Okay so my tail is light blue and I have ice powers. And I live in the Arctic sea and watch British sailors die horrible deaths while trying to find the Northwest Passage.

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I was gonna make a joke about how I say “I need to go the circus again” the way people used to say they need to go to the sea to balance their humors. But I realized the circus balances humors too

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tonight's plans: jerk off to completion..... two cans of sprite (crush against forehead like a neanderthal school bully) ...... write the great american novel

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this tweet is on par with “omg you people can’t do anything” in terms of how it changed the way i think and move about the world because now when i tell people i’ve only had my doppio espresso i hear this tweet word for word

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a good sailor will always return to the sea

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I went to this Northwest Passage museum once where they had the white explorers' journals on one side of the exhibit and the native people's accounts on the other side of the exhibit and the explorer journals were like "our canoe had almost sunk when we encountered some kindly Indians" and the native histories were like "we watched a bunch of strangers come down the river in the shittiest canoe you'd ever seen. Also, they had no rain gear"

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the purpose of friends is to have people who unconditionally hate your shitty exes & relatives. like maybe YOU have a complex relationship with your father but i sure don't. i'm outside his house with a gun. he's not the unforgivable asshole who raised me he's just an unforgivable asshole

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waluigi and wario met on grindr and decided there wasnt a spark but they DID wanna team up to hustle some thematically similar plumbers at like golf and tennis and shit

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phil tweet

6/5/25

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hate an x reader fic do not put me in a situation