alternatemodalityavatar-blog - Tumblr blog

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

Why do I bother?

Why did I bother?

I think I will probably receive my proactive preventative “Dear John” tonight or tomorrow. To the two bots that were following this Tumblr - I’ll probably delete it soon.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

I actually caught myself asking...

... am I making a mistake? Have I been making a terrible mistake, all along?

Thinking that so much incredible, all in one package, just had to be right, had to be the only possible way?

Because if the key elements, the necessary elements, the only parts that would make things hopefully work even if nothing else was there... if those key elements simply aren’t there...

... then it doesn’t matter if there’s so much incredible all in one package. It just means it’s more of a horrible tragedy, to have come this close and eventually realise that there was no way to get there.

I still want to clean up and fix everything I said I would. Even if it’s the last.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

Dramatis Personae

(in which I demonstrate that really, I have no skills in Latin and am merely a macellarius)

Amata

the one of whom I write here; whose nature has captured mine. (... it always seemed indelicate to keep saying “That Person”.)

Iuva

friend to Amata and myself both; whose life is already a struggle, but we get by with a little help.

Malus

... okay, if you can’t guess where this one is going, it’s very unlikely you’ve read anything else I’ve written. The bête noir, my undoing, my bane... Amata’s fatal attraction. (... without him on the stage, my life without the Amata seems merely pale. With him, the loneliess becomes something devouring, clawing at my guts, draining my mind, razing my heart. I become worse than empty, less than nothing; I try desperately to fill the void to make it merely empty.)

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

And I would do anything for love...

... totally including that. As mentioned before, That Person. Has been watching the show “Babylon 5″ to which I introduced them. And saw a scene of what looked like... well, how did they write it? “:( I guess this is the result of Londo basically swearing revenge on Refa for killing Adira.“ ... how best to explain. ... when I’m realising that I have to watch what I’m typing, because the eyes keep blurring, because I keep wanting to cry, because I wish I wish I wish I could tell That Person I feel for them like Londo does for Adira. ***** BASICALLY!? ... I'm not sure you get it. I hope you do. I thought you would. I wish to be absolutely sure you absolutely do. This goes beyond hate. This goes beyond revenge. The only reason I wouldn't say this goes beyond human possibility is because a human wrote this. I would be both afraid and glad to know what happened to JMS for him to be able to write this. Londo was ready to do anything for Adira. A N Y T H I N G. Londo cared about himself. Well, a little. Not a lot. Okay, not much at all. Originally, no major problems trying to gamble and drink himself to death. Liked nothing about his life. He cares about Vir a little more. He cared about the Empire more still. More still when instead of being a drunken gambler, he realised he had the power to do something. More accurately he cared more still about the Centauri people, even having a hand in killing an Emperor to save the Centauri people. And remember the Centauri Empire is like the Roman Empire - powerful, then decadent, then rotting from the core; but also even before the Caesars, the Romans had the idea of the Imperial Cult, that their emperors were something akin to divine. For a Centauri citizen to kill an Emperor... Londo was already a drinking, gambling, end-of-his-useful-life joke of an Ambassador to a post nobody cared about; coming from a society where royalty, ego and social status are *paramount*. Listen closely. Just by nothing more than being Adira, just by being there, she made him more. He cared about Adira more than anything else in his life; and he would bend anything he had to Adira, for Adira. Sex? Who cares? Powerful Ambassador, now. Three wives and any number of possible indiscretions in the Zocalo or Down Below, not to mention half the men or women around the Centauri Royal Court. Beauty? Pfah! Every artisan would give a year of their lives to sculpt, make-up, dress and present anyone to parade before the growing, powerful House of Mollari. And yet. In a social status society like the Centauri Republic, he would throw anything away for a lone, nobody-to-miss-her, enslaved, young, owned, nobody dancing girl piece of property Londo simply could have bought and kept. He didn't just take her to bed, use her, dispose of her. His bed, to which he never forced her, never compelled her, never lured her, asked her and she agreed and chose him, was absolutely nothing but one single mere sign of a fraction of what he felt for her. ... ... why did Sebastian let Delenn go from the torture? Because as he demanded, she answered the question "who are you?"? She didn't. Not in words. Neither did Sheridan. He let Sheridan go from his torture because Sheridan was ready to die lost, alone, unsupported, unheralded, unknown in the dark to save Delenn. He let Delenn go because Delenn was ready to die in the dark to save Sheridan. And Lennier. And Minbar and the humans. Because she would give herself to what needed to be done, for another. ... Londo let his own life and his political secrets and his power be risked in order to free Adira. And not just, not simply, merely to free her from servitude to someone else, then take her himself. Once she was free, he let her go. He let her leave. No spies to follow her, no demands, not even a begging on his knees to stay, no promises of the wildest of riches and lives that the brightest of rising stars near the heart of the entire Centauri Empire could give her. She had to take the next ship out, so he didn't even try to stop her. He gave her money for the travel, to support her afterwards; a promise of a place always with him, that he would ever and forever love her, not one other woman, not one other love for Londo ever again not even after she died not even when he became Emperor, not even until the day he died on the throne. He saw her off to the next ship. Not a plea, not a curse, not one hand to stop her, not even to beg her. ... What else would Londo do after Adira was destroyed? ANYTHING EVERYTHING He didn't just have Refa killed. He didn't even kill him with a blade the way he did his old sparring partner (for different reasons, but it proves he has the skill). This is old-school revenge straight from the depths of Satan's own screaming nightmares that should leave anybody lying in bed in the middle of the night so afraid they couldn't ever sleep in a room with a door or a window again. He stripped Refa's defences and left him surrounded by Narn, learning that Refa's guards were in fact Londo's. Londo's message started with knowing that Refa was going to die because dying was going to be the EASY part of all this. And the next thing is that every single support and safety Refa relied on was taken away from him, leaving him completely alone, unarmed, vulnerable, alone, helpless. And there was no escape and the rest of the message was just going to be additional torture. "It is not enough for me to simply kill you, Refa. I could do that at home or here. But through your death on Narn, I will discredit your House and all opposition in the Royal Court." And that last bit isn't just "and I'm going to be in charge, haha". That's not even about Londo's position at all. This isn't even about Londo at all. Yes, Londo is Refa's opposition, but it doesn't matter that it's Londo. It could've been G'Kar, for all Londo cared. It could've been the crawling bug in Londo's quarters, for all Londo cared. Londo probably would've made G'Kar the next Centauri Emperor if that was what it took to make this happen. What matters is that it's Refa's Opposition who has so thoroughly destroyed Refa, shamed his house permanently, removed every last trace of Refa's influence, power, family, official history, legacy; and to seal that fate, it will be Refa's opposite, Refa's Opposition, who will then rule the Centauri Empire afterward. And not even the death of Refa's Opposition, the new Emperor, would ever restore Refa's House to the throne, or even the Court, or even anything other than disgrace forever. In a society where social standing and politics are at least as important as family. That Londo will discredit all his opposition in the Court... is not even that Londo will take pleasure in his new power. He will not even care one whit for the power. He already knows; his future is sealed, twice by prophecy, he is fated, he is _cursed_ to rule the Centauri Republic as Emperor; and he will not find peace, nor joy, for he will stretch out his hand and hear the cries . It has nothing to do with the power. It may sting Refa to know that Londo will rise as Refa's House falls. But it doesn't matter that Londo shall rise. Profit doesn't matter. Influence and power do not matter. What matters is that Refa, Refa's life, power, legacy, history, reputation, family, House, will be worse than nothing; and Londo cares only... that it be done. Just the psychology of it. Running desperately for escape through a stone labyrinth; yet the rock cried out, "no hiding place". Just the biology of it. > His head and face left untouched. Refa's brain would remain beyond the end, feeling every signal from every nerve - every last fear, every last sound, every last red Narn eye, every last snarl, every last scream of rage and hate, every blow, punch, slice, cut, fist, rock, dagger, tearing finger, wrenching grip by a people faced by the monster who killed five million of their families, friends, beloved; humiliated, unhomed, starved, decimated, poisoned, wrecked, experimented on, tortured, enslaved billions more. > And Londo made sure Refa would know; after the end, Refa couldn't even control that his head, his Centauri hair, his face, would be shown, exposed, paraded, mounted on a pike to show everybody who walks past the Palace on Centauri Prime! "Here! Here in this row of disgracers, this row of traitors! Look, children! Those who would dare such as to fall from the Court of the Divine Emperors and be traitor to the heart of all the Republic! Every misfortune to befall the Empire since then comes from his House! Jeer! Hate him, children! Spit on his head! Stone him, young ones! Know that this is the lowest of everything! Not one thing in all of the Empire, all of the Galaxy, not one beggar, not one Narn, not one monster, not one alien, not one creature, not one disease, nothing is lower, more base than Refa! Remember this, children! Tell your children, tell their children! Never let the fate of traitors be forgotten! Never let the evil of Refa be forgotten!" Death becomes nothing. Death becomes barely a relief. This is not decimation. This is not decimation tenfold. This is annihilation. Perpetual torture that not even death will relieve. > Why? Because Refa killed Prime Minister and friend Malachi? ... Londo already had blood of the court and his friend on his hands. Because Refa killed Narns? ... Londo once congratulated Vir for what he thought was Narn-killing. Vir's wife Lindesty was a fine upstanding belle of Centauri society with a lauded skill know offworld in personally killing Narns. Because Refa had endangered the beloved Empire with insane multi-front wars? ... Londo had already dealt with that. He removed Morden. He pre-poisoned Refa to separate Refa and Morden and pull back the armies. It was done. Why had Londo brought a destruction upon Refa worse than anything God brought upon Job or Judas? ... Adira. The woman he loved.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

When Two Minds Go To War

The TV show, “Babylon 5″. The near sociopathic telepath “Alfred Bester” (yes we know). Turns out he has one weakness: the only woman he’s ever loved. That Person watched the scene and commented. And this is what I wrote, that started the water pressure behind my eyes... Bester did everything he could for Carolyn Sanderson. Bester turned on both the government he enabled and supported in progress to his end goal; and also *The Corps Is Mother The Corps Is Father*, after they sold *Carolyn* with 99 other otherwise Corps-unusable Blips off to the Shadows, as _weapons components_. Bester is for the Corps; Bester is for the human, non-alien telepaths. And he'll support Earthgov because even if he has to eventually gut them, they'll provide the framework that will eventually support his kind, the human telepaths. "The moment I saw her, I felt as though something long dead had awakened inside me ... The single bright light of my existence ... she's the only thing I have, Captain. The only thing I care about ... If you can save her, I'll do anything you want to help. Your war is now my war." It's not even that he was on the other side of the war. He wasn't. He was perfectly happy to support the other side, just as a means to an end to gain eventual power for his own side, for the Corps. The Corps Is Mother The Corps Is Father Bester the child was literally an orphan. Originally his name was Steven. *The Corps* named him Alfred Bester. A Corps who can literally reach into your mind and change who you are. And Bester was one of the most powerful and experienced rogue hunters. Bester was one of the changers. TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather TheCorpsIsMotherTheCorpsIsFather And along with a bunch of unusable traitor blips, the Corps sold the single bright light of his existence to the Shadows, the Shadows Bester *knew* were dealing with the government. He'd even sacrifice individual precious telepaths like Talia, as long as it advances the cause of the Corps. And yet He throws in his lot in with Babylon 5. The side that's only partly human, mostly alien. He will now side against Earthgov and even the Corps because The Corps Is Carolyn their unborn child the first and only time he had ever felt a single scrap of love Carolyn

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

This is the story of the last...

... of my hopes, I think. Warning: this will be long. Okay. That Person. Is a Science-Fiction fan (yet another reason I feel such commonality and adoration). You wouldn’t think that in a blog that’s focussed on the... emotional, heart-based side of things... would go into Science-Fiction, would you? Hear me out. I introduced That Person to a TV show I used to watch, “Babylon 5″. As well as being pretty good SF, it was also in impressive drama/space opera. A space station called “Babylon 5″. Don’t ask about the first four. Out in neutral... you know what? Here. The pre-credits introduction to each of the seasons: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vIVFgXaxsU>. Spaceships and aliens and stuff. Also, telepaths. Of most of the major species. And them as a commercial prospect on Earth. One of their chief staff, “Bester” being... particularly inhuman, except for one thing. A race called the Centauri and their Ambassador to the station “Londo”; how they subjugated another species called the Narn and their Ambassador G’Kar. Eventually, goaded by another Centauri Refa, bombing the Narn into the Stone Age and killing millions. That Person and I... as it’s watched, the comments are exchanged through text posts. Two scenes were mentioned. That considered, make you realise... any really great story has to include the heights of love and the absolute desperate lengths and cruelties of revenge that people can come to. As I was writing my response to That Person... the eyes started to water and tear up again. Had to keep getting up, drying my eyes, clearing my already abused nose. And sit back down and write more. Eye rinse, dry, write, repeat. Realising with every stupid damned paragraph that I wanted to tell That Person that writing this was making me cry because I wanted them to understand, that I understood... because these terrible, heart-rending tales were how I felt myself even at that very moment. And I just wanted to admit it. I wanted to be there, drop to my knees and admit everything. To somebody who probably didn’t know how I feel. And probably views me as a nice enough friend, but couldn’t ever think of seeing me as anything else. Telling them will probably wreck everything. Not telling them will twist me a little more every day. So. What did I write back as such commentary...? Next.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

And yet...

... I’m still thinking I should tell her; just so at least I can be honest, lay it all out in the open, end all my hopes cleanly and move on. ... of course, a part of me is reluctant. What if telling her is what violently destroys one of the best friendships (and really, only decent long-distance friendship) I’ve ever had? Of course, we’re still chatting about other things. To wit...

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

No

I don’t mean anything important enough to her, it seems. And I’m told she’s going right back for that same guy that already hurt her twice so badly.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

And as much as I hate to say it, I just realized that as I grew older, I already accepted that some people will not always be there for me every time I need them. That no matter how wide I opened my door, they would never come in. That no matter how loud I shouted their names, they wouldn’t turn around and face me. I already accepted the fact that they also have their own problems—to solve. That sometimes they need to save themselves first. It wasn’t being a bad friend nor a selfish one. But it was just us human beings wanting and searching for a mean to survive. And yes, I understand, even if it broke my heart not only once but too many times.

ma.c.a // Cold feet, warm heart (via vomitingwords)

I had just finished posting another very-short post. And then I saw this. ... well. Give thanks to the great and glorious AI that decided that I needed to see a post of this nature. Great. The AI is now trying to twist the knife. And I was on its side all along. Thanks a bunch.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

The imbalance in the eye shading

in that drawing is really bugging me. Like I said; my first ever attempt at a life drawing. But that thing is bugging me now.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

And there are other times...

... when I don’t feel particularly emotional or unbalanced; can step back and view everything without being moonstruck, lovelorn or lonely. And don’t feel like it’s the end of the world. Part of me asking why I should feel the other way (because man, that’s a lot of pain and upset. Yeah sure, lots of positive feelings to go with it; which would do much better with validation, but). And asks: hey. Do you think, maybe, that this is a bad idea that is doomed to failure? All of it? Maybe, wouldn’t it be better if you just stepped away? ... each side of me is bothered that the other side can do what it does. The advantage of stepping away is no more wild swings and probable doom-failure. The downside is... well. No wonderful love, not even the hope of it. Not all the other Maslowesque advantages I’ve already mentioned. The advantage of sticking in is all those wonderful things. The disadvantage is that they’re hellishly unlikely; and being on an emotional rollercoaster. In one of those theme parks that has the really bad safety rating and shoddy maintenance records. There is, of course, even a downside to this whole “And there are other times” bit; namely... ... those other times never last.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

It’s the bubbles of nothing

The slightest mis-interpreted meaningless nothing can send my head spinning in a negative or positive direction.

Past history tells me that the nothings do end up getting treated as nothings and everything is fine. Or at least, it seems that way.

But no matter what I do, I can't seem to learn that lesson.

Which is ironic. For a while now, the whole Being Rational thing has been more than merely important to me; it's been how I've been dealing with most of daily life. That definitely includes learning from the past.

Something I'm good at is picking up the basics and learning pretty quickly. To help a friend with (now-finished) upcoming exams, I brushed up on set logic, then skim-learned most of an introductory/history course Sociology. I have learned things about Bourdieu that are cool. I have learned things about Michel Foucault that really make me wonder why anybody listens to him.

... and yet, I can't seem to learn from my own history. This is where my whole rational brain thing seems to fall over.

Because, I keep being afraid that whatever last emotion-driven, barely-brain-controlled thing I last said was a fuck-up, the straw that would break a friendship's back.

Because, it’s no matter that I could do many good practical things to benefit That Person. It’s no matter that I could do many good not-practical fun things to benefit That Person. I'm convinced That Person doesn't actually need me, the way I need them.

... okay. Want them. Strictly speaking, I don't need That Person either. I know that this isn't like the lowest two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs>

My Physiological needs are pretty much cared for.

My Safety needs are mostly cared for. Well; as much as anything in this uncertain world can be.

My Social needs... ha. Are almost entirely unfulfilled.

       That was something interesting to learn from Sociology (well, I did really cram-rush this. I had to cover most of a semester in one day). A number of influential sociologists thought that individuality was... minimal? That people were thoroughly shaped or programmed by Society into something that would perpetuate society and Individuality didn't much come into it.

       But most of society leaves me cold. Well; cool. The older I get, the more I see how repetitive, meaningless, animal and unthinking it is. Note my previous post in this blog, where I mention that it’s difficult for me to remember that people actually can be good to each other. So I'm perfectly happy to float through or above it and occasionally observe, be entertained or despair.        But it DOES mean that, having found somebody I think is fascinating and amazing in virtually every dimension, in both actuality and in potential, I...        ... am terrified of fucking up and losing this amazing person who is already so far away and yet so important to my life. Someone I got to know by listening to them and reading their messages to me.         I don't need to be a part of a big group. I'm fine with that. I'm very happy with Quality over Quantity.         ... I haven't felt like I was in love like this for... for more years than I care to count.

My Esteem needs. Well. If you don't give a damn about society, you don't much worry about the opinions of others.

       But This Person chose to talk to me and seems, to at least some degree, to like me. Especially after the way the previous years of my life had gone, this was WONDERFUL.

My Self-actualization needs. Ha.

       I had pretty much nothing else left in my life but my job (which is something embedded in a bureaucratic shitshow ). But getting perked up by liking This Person... I even pull out art pencils like I haven't done in Even More Years Than I Care To Count.

And Self-Transcendence needs.

       Well. This Person is somebody I give a damn about. Studies fields near mine but not actually mine; much more in-depth, fascinating, higher, better. Makes me think more than anybody else I know. Is brighter than anybody else I know; including the self-diagnosed autistic ex-PhD I work with who's convinced (wrongly, self-referentially and both so irritatingly and so meta-irritatingly) that he's the most rational person he knows.

In short... I give a damn about this person. And that Damn-Giving has worked its way pretty thoroughly into my head. It seems like the most wonderful, loveliest thing to have crossed my path in ages.

It also means that anything that can unsettle my hopes is considered kind of catastrophic.

WELL. Except when I feel, once again, that I've fucked it all up and I subside even more deeply into a kind of apathy where I go right back to where I was before, feel like none of it matters and may as well just go on living a grey life one grey at a time.

My day job is to make things settled. Identify problems, fix them. Keep everything on an even keel (if not actually, gasp, *improve* things!). I have been doing that for years. Quite frankly, I'm pretty good at it.

Even when it's not about work, if a friend comes to me with a problem, even if I can't find a solution to suggest, I can at the very least listen and be sympathetic (ha. Too sympathetic?) and at least try making them feel better.

As everyone seems to say: I can fix everybody's problems but my own.

If I lay it all out on the line, if I give This Person the honesty that they deserve I'm terrified that everything, even the entire friendship, will end. I don't have any experience in telling somebody I care about them and would like to be a closer part of their life; getting shot down; and trying to still be friends. I still suspect due to my own emotional weakness, my inability to remain connected but not close to somebody I like so much - that is, my own stupidity - will wreck everything. Because I am simply not a perfect person.

Occasionally I think that if I do lay it all bare, at least I can get the pain over with and start trying to heal up again more quickly. Maybe despair is like plunging into a cold pool or getting that needle jabbed in.

On one hand: dragging it out means that this CHAOS will continue. And it's driving me easily half-nuts to the point of allergy.

On the other hand: it could be either one of the happiest days of my life; or more likely... one of the most miserable days. Of which I've had enough to know I'll come out of it.

Hating every minute of it. But I know I'll survive and go on.

... crap. Put logically like that it makes sense, even if it all goes wrong and fails, to admit it all. Something I would want to travel and do in person.

... just doesn't really seem too appealing, when I think of it in terms of LOSING everything I enjoy / adore / love / want / deserve feeling good about. Even if I’m used to having nothing... I’m sick of it. It would be nice to have that special, beautiful something.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

This is mostly pretty hard for me to remember.

There are still good people in this world. If you can’t find one be one.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

“Yes Wins”

(first draft) ... the nice thing about not being a student anymore is that doing lots of tricky shortcut things means that whatever you do is just “a Quick Shortcut To Winning” as opposed to “Cheating”. ... I did, as mentioned earlier, put on Mark Knopfler’s soundtrack to the movie “Local Hero” and followed it up with the soundtrack to the first season of “House M.D.”. Which is not very relevant to the story of this picture. Australia had its Same Sex Marriage postal survey plebiscite. The “Yes” case, to allow Same Sex Marriage, won. That’s the context for this drawing of this person. The not-cheaty context is because this is a pencil sketch from a photo (as opposed to an app taking the photo and edge-detecting it into a pencil-like sketch-like picture). Is it a crap drawing? Why, certainly. Did I cheat like hell doing it? Why, certainly. ... is it also the first ever attempt I have ever made at a sketch of a photo-realistic subject? And did it take me less time than the combined length of the soundtracks of “Local Hero” and “House M.D.”? Yes. So also, I found a way to distract myself from the fact that I was going to be home alone tonight and not text-chatting to an otherwise busy Certain Person Who Means Very Much To Me, Even If She Doesn’t Know It. I may now be late to bed before going to crappy work tomorrow, but:

I proved a point

I stretched myself with something I never did before

I distracted myself right out of feeling horribly selfishly terribly lonely

... and assuming the Certain Person ever forgives me... at least now I can say I did something other than simply occasionally helping her out with a little thing or two.

I’ve never before told anybody, out of the blue, that they are the most beautiful person I’m able to perceive. Even now, I’m chickening out of actually saying anything. I let a pencil do the talking for me. If nothing else, I managed to release some feelings through a pencil onto paper... easing what I feel inside, just for a little while. And, also demonstrating that to me, that Certain Person is indeed a Muse. ... Yes Wins.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

... or, in the medium of interpretative music...

”The Fall”, by Jeff Lynne and ELO (the Electric Light Orchestra), as featured also on the soundtrack of the 1980 movie “Xanadu”. Also known as “What I realised about my life today and wrote in the last post, just set to some catchy but ultimately depressing music”.

I see the early glow, I hear you say hello I watch the shadows fall, I don't see you at all It's a lie (I don't believe it's so), it's a lie I see the autumn rain, falling on my window pane I hear you say goodbye, I see a tear in your eye It's a lie (I don't believe it's so), it's a lie Our love couldn't go wrong, How could I know I was only dreaming And now, now that you're gone, I will go on really believing I take the fall I see you slip away, into another day There's no-one else around, I watch the sun go down It's a lie (I don't believe it's so), it's a lie Our love couldn't go wrong, How could I know I was only dreaming And now, now that you're gone, I will go on really believing I take the fall I take the fall I see you in a dream, you turn and start to go I call to you once more, guess that I'm takin' the fall It's a lie (I don't believe it's so), it's a lie Our love couldn't go wrong, How could I know I was only dreaming And now, now that you're gone, I will go on really believing I take the fall Our love couldn't go wrong, how could I know I was only dreaming And now, now that you're gone, I will go on really believing I take the fall

Written by: JEFF LYNNE

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

Over for the year

All the little things that I got to do to keep me in touch with... a person with whom I am besotted, Said Person being far, far away... are over, again, for the year.

Probably not to start up again until March next year; for another four months. And that’s all. And then, I’ll never have that excuse again, ever.

Besotted: adjective: infatuated, intellectually or morally blinded, intoxicated

I don’t know about “morally blinded”. Not that I can actually trust my own self-analysis; but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing actually immoral about the situation. If anything, this all started out of innate morality.

Oh, today. Driving home, The Chainsmokers and Coldplay. Normally that’s worth a good sing-along. But 1) certain bits of the lyrics(*), plus 2) the fact that I discovered this song ‘round about the time I went to visit Said Person... well. Hard to sing along when there’s a unexplained lump in your throat and a strange fluid upwelling around the eyes. (*) ... indeed. I wanna go there, where she is. Makes me want to risk lots. I do want somebody I can turn to, somebody I can kiss. Something just like that.

Quick. Total, complete change of soundtrack. Hm. 1980, soundtrack to the movie “Xanadu”. Including some big-band style and coming out of the bad era of disco, that’s gonna be plenty different!

Oh, shut the f*** up. ELO, the Electric Light Orchestra. Hell, last song on that soundtrack is “All Over The World” featured in Nick Frost and Simon Pegg’s “Paul”. That song is flashmob-awesome, so shut up.

... oh, f***. Shut me the f***up. You stupid, stupid moron. It’s a movie about two guys and the beautiful muse with whom they both fell in love. Who inspired them to drive themselves further and better. One of them was young and discovering beauty and art. One of them was old and barely remembered what it was like to feel that love, ready to drown in it all over again. ... it occurs to me that my choice in music and stories growing up may have left me particularly vulnerable to ideas and feelings I may not be dealing with too well at the moment. I know. Something quieter, more relaxing. How about the soundtrack to the movie “Local Hero” by Mark Knopfler! Story of a guy who’s pushed out of his busy corporate comfort zone into life in a sleepy Scottish village and falls so deeply in love with the people, the place, and even a certai- ... ... ... oh, for fuck’s sake.

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

This is... both... sobering and depressing.

from weheartit