alternativememories - Tumblr blog

[alternativememories]

both sides...

i have a friend who has sucked for a while now. i've been thinking about writing about it for a minute but i've been putting it off like everything with our friendship lately...but part of who i want to be is someone that shows up, even when things fucking suck, and i can't waste any more time. i know what i've got to do and it's time to rip the band-aid off. our friendship is over and i've gotta be real about it.

i'm fucking sad, man. i see him as a younger brother. so much of how we see things and approach things is similar to one another. the ways that he has sucked for some time are really similar to how i struggled when i was younger. he had a breakup recently, which in the big picture i thought would actually end up being good for him. i think both he and his ex have stuff that they need to work on individually and that this would be a good opportunity for him to get himself squared away.

but the spiral continues. the last time i saw him we talked about where he was with things and where he's headed and it was mostly half-assed excuses. it's apparent that he's not showing up for himself, let alone anyone else for that matter. he smokes, which has kept him comfortable in the cycle of not showing up in any meaningful way, and he lacks accountability. he's living with his parents right now and it seems like they're enabling his behavior.

it's shitty. we lived together up until the end of october and to be honest it was toxic as fuck. it came down to money and cleaning. in moving in, we agreed to not have his now-ex on the lease to keep things simple in case they ended up not working out as a couple. however, when she ended up staying at the apartment more than A and i and we wanted her to pay toward the bills, it was an issue *eye roll*. initially, the conversation about contributing was shut down bc homie talked to other roommate and he supposedly said that he didn't care if she paid and that was the end of it...(we'll revisit this)

at one point during this conflict, there was a text about wanting to be friends after the lease would end...i've thought a lot about that since. it took me some time to figure out why i couldn't help but fixate on it, but with where we are now i think i know the answer. the statement operates through an inherent assumption that how things were handled was damaging to our friendship. to be honest, it was. the bills conflict was infuriating bc the argument against contributing was school loan payments being high; meanwhile in watching behavior they ate out all the time. and you know, everyone has bills. but not everyone takes advantage of their friends to pay theirs.

with the cleaning thing, it became clear that he was frustrated by the cleanliness of the apartment but never communicated what those expectations even were. eventually we landed on a chore-board. but this wasn't without its problems bc it just led to them not being accountable for their share of the chores; beyond that, there was noticeable passive-aggressiveness toward the other roommate who tbh idk if he ever even agreed to in the first place. weird to someone to a standard they never agreed to but maybe that's just me...

when he and his ex broke up he told me a very specific story of what led to the fracture. i want to say that i found the specificity odd but dismissed it bc i was excited to have my friend back. when they were dating he was very reclusive and we were barely friends anymore. truthfully, we moved here in a pandemic and while i have loads of coworkers, he's really been my only friend here...but a few weeks ago i found out that it looks like he's lied about those specifics of the story that he told me, knowing that it fundamentally changes the reaction. it's manipulative.

in thinking about it, i've really tried to explain away or excuse the poor behavior...but to be honest, it's inexcusable and with what he's lied about, there's no recourse here...there's no way to police the behavior, and with him lying about it, no way to trust anything he says that it's even stopped. now i'm wondering what else he's lied about to get what he wants. the first thing that comes to mind is the bills conversation. it's a fundamental breach of trust and i don't think our friendship can be repaired. it fucking sucks and this fucking sucks but it is what it is...because he sucks.

[alternativememories]

i dreamt we spoke again

it’s been years. i was somewhere in europe, possibly italy. somehow i found out you were nearby, like a building next door or a block down or something. you’ve been teaching, something artistic, class let out, and as the flood of people emptied the classroom, there you were…

to my surprise you rushed over and hugged me, happy to see me after all these years. we went to a nearby statue - or maybe it was a fountain - and admired the figures that were part of it. there was some sort of creature, maybe a small minotaur, i remember marveling at before i glanced at you and was gone when i looked back.

we didn’t say much, if anything. i remember nervously fidgeting with both my hat and my wedding ring. idk if my intention was to draw attention to my being married now or if i was just nervous to see you. i woke up soon thereafter.

the last time i remember dreaming about you was almost a decade ago when i was following you on some road in the dark, i started having car trouble and you left me behind as i watched the light of your vehicle vanish in the night.

idk if it was the episode of friends we watched right before bed that triggered the dream or what, i just find it odd to have dreamt about you after all this time. i’ve moved a long time ago and i don’t care to revisit our past, but since i never remember my dreams i figured i’d journal about this one. the subconscious is weird 😅

[alternativememories]

September when the leaves begin to fall.

[alternativememories]

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947

[alternativememories]

“I’m haunted by all the space that I will live without you.”

— Richard Brautigan, from “Boo, Forever”

[alternativememories]

Sue Zhao

[alternativememories]

[alternativememories]

“I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

[alternativememories]

[alternativememories]

Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

Since CEN is about what your parents DIDN’T do rather than DID, it can be hard to identify if you were emotionally neglected as a child. Here are some signs of potential CEN, paraphrased from Jonice Webb’s Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

1. Expressing guilt, discomfort or self-directed anger for having feelings (especially negative feelings)

Apologizing for crying in front of therapists, friends, or loved ones. Preceding statements of emotions with apologies: “I feel terrible saying this,  but I didn’t really want to go to the family reunion.” “I know this is wrong,  but I felt like walking out.” “I know this means I’m a bad person, but I get really angry when she does that.”

2. Fiercely defending parents from negative interpretations (from therapists, friends, or loved ones)

The emotionally neglected are desperate to protect their parents from blame. They tend to view their parents as somewhat ideal, and are naturally driven to blame themselves for their struggles. When others get close to identifying ways in which their parents may have failed them, the emotionally neglected adult is quick to explain that their parents “did the best they could” or “aren’t to blame.”

3. Doubting the substance of their memories from childhood

Many emotionally neglected adults have difficulty recalling specific things about their childhoods. They often report that their childhood feels like a blur that’s hard to differentiate into exact events. furthermore, they often distrust their own emotional read on the childhood memories that they do have. When they’re reporting their mother’s temper, their father’s workaholism, etc. in therapy sessions with me, they often pause to question the reality, importance or validity of their memory. “I feel like I’m probably exaggerating it. It wasn’t really that bad,” one woman said to me while tears were rolling down her cheeks. “Isn’t this boring for you to listen to?” one man said to me while telling me about his parents’ lack of reaction to the death of his dog when he was ten. Or,  “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it’s probably not important,” another man said while relaying a story about how his cherished stepfather disappeared from his life after divorcing his mother.

4. Lacking understanding of how emotions work; their own as well as others. 

The emotionally neglected are apt to have a low Emotional Intelligence Quotation (EQ). But it is very difficutl for the emotionally neglected to realize that their emotional understanding is poor. They grew up in families in which this was the case, and they’ve lived their lives this way. Here are some signs of this “alexithymia” (inability to identify and describe emotions in the self). You may need the help of a therapist, friends, or loved ones to identify these signs in yourself:

repeated physical discomfort (may be evidenced by squirming or fidgeting) when experiencing an emotion, especially a negative one

telling emotionally intense stories in a way that is completely devoid of emotional content (not talking about how you felt, brushing off your own negative feelings, joking about something that should clearly be emotionally disturbing)

changing the subject quickly or resorting to humor when someone steers a discussion in an emotional direction

showing a repeated inability to give answers to feeling-oriented questions. This may consist of giving intellectualized or avoidant answers.

Intellectual response example: Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?” A: “I thought she was being a jerk.” (Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave a thought or judgment instead.)

Avoidant response example: Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?” A: “I hadn’t realized she was that angry until she said that.” (Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave information that did not directly answer the question. A feeling answer might have been, “I felt surprised.”)

5. Counter-dependence

The emotionally neglected feel upset with themselves for needing help, especially help from a therapist, friend, or loved one in dealing with their negative emotions. They may see their need for therapy or emotional help as weak, pathetic, shameful, foolish, or frivolous. “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” “I’ll bet not many 37-year-olds are still trying to learn how to say no.” “I don’t like feeling that I need you. I want to stop treatment for a while, to make sure I can do it on my own.” They feel ashamed for not being able to handle things by themselves.

6. Memories

It’s hard to glean what didn’t happen from childhood memories. Things to listen for:

Memories of a parent drastically misunderstanding the child’s feelings, needs, or personality. One young woman about to obtain her bachelor’s degree in social work told me about her parents’ pressure upon her all through middle and high school to skip college and take over her father’s brick delivery service. I found myself wondering whether these parents had any idea at all who their daughter was.

Memories that entail the parent negating, ignoring, or over-simplifying the child’s emotions. For example, one neglectful mother said to her son, “Your big sister misses her father” soon after their father suddenly passed away, paying no heed whatsoever to the feelings of her son.

Memories of a parent having a favorite phrase that squelches the child’s emotional expression, like “Don’t be a baby,” “Get over it,” or “Stop crying.” (Not that many mindful parents might use these phrases on occasion; it must be either used extremely inappropriately just once, or used frequently, to indicate that it represents a general philosophy of Emotional Neglect.)

Memories that convey significant feelings of deprivation in some non-physical area that was important to the patient as a child. “I was fascinated with the guitar but my mom insisted that I be a violin player.” “I REALLY wanted to be with my friends in middle school but my parents were really strict.”

Memories that seem unimportant but have a lot of emotion attached to them. On the surface, the event in a memory might seem trivial, but the lack of emotional attunement from parents can make it memorable. Watch for intense but seemingly meaningless memories, because they’re often remembered specifically because they’re loaded with the invisible pain of emotional neglect.

Some people are able to see on their own that they are depressed or have anxiety. But it is unusual for an adult to identify emotional neglect for themselves. If you doubt if these signs sound like you, try asking a therapist, close friend, or loved one for their opinion!

[alternativememories]

“It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.”

— Caitlyn Siehl

[alternativememories]

stillness

i feel as though i have lived much of my life with a deep, persistent, underlying agitation. i suspect it connects to my father’s PTSD. i think a lot of my 20s has been unpackaging that connection, exploring how it has shaped and continue to shape my life, and learning how to better tend to the past, to truly move forward. i love my dad more than i will ever be able to articulate. but it would be dishonest to not acknowledge much our relationship has shaped my life path.

[alternativememories]

that’s a pang, fuck it hurts...

found out yesterday that my dad has a court date in february for contempt of court, likely related to not even paying the minimums that he is required to pay. apparently he has been making payments of $12.50 and owes over $10k. finding that out fucking hurt, because he had told me that he was making the minimum payments, which is just blatantly not true.

it’s especially upsetting, because i originally gave up a great opportunity in the peace corps, to serve in madagascar teaching english, to remain in the states and be present and supportive. eventually that plan soured and i moved west - still in the country and capable of flying home if necessary, but with enough separation to focus on myself.

i suppose an underlying frustration i have here was also echoed in the girl i had been talking to in CO up through midsummer 2018. i am tired of the feeling of my life being hijacked by those around me. i don’t want to feel like i have to run away from my life or the people in it. but fucking hell is it hard, to navigate the balance between caring about others, but also being able to hold things at an arms-length, and recognizing that everyone needs to exercise their autonomy, make their own choices and mistakes, and live with it.

i have my own life to focus on, and a realm of my own problems to navigate in that effort. for a lot of my life, it has felt monumentally difficult to self-care without being cold and/or indifferent toward others. now i’m staring at all these dollar signs without a legitimate means to solve them. it’s $35K in student loan debt in my name, $60K in debt in my mom’s name, and $10K in court fines in my dad’s name...

they say that life doesn’t give us problems that we are not capable of handling, but it definitely feels like i’m lost in some sort of a bermuda triangle here...

[alternativememories]

disentangling

for much of my life, i’ve felt all tangled up. all this pent up tension, all this winding up, all this lack of understanding. but i’m leaning into it. i’m trying to make sense of it. observing the patterns, and identifying the underlying meaning beneath them. it’s a curious process, one that’s taken years to get to this point, and will be an ongoing struggle the rest of my life. c’est la vie.

a difficult lesson of my adulthood has been accepting the humanity of my heroes; acknowledging that an inherent part of being human is making mistakes. it has taken me a long time to recognize a lot of the anger i still have toward my father as an adult stems from such idolization, and the seemingly conflicting struggle to accept him for who he is, an ironic projection, a curious catch-22 of sorts.

i recognize the roots of my anger. the projection of endgames onto others. it is thematic in the manifestation of my anger. the slow driver on the road, who i perceive as getting in the way of me reaching my destination. the employee who takes his or her time to go take their lunch, who i perceive as getting in the way of getting everyone their lunches on time. my father, who a part of me blames for my decision to not go madagascar through the peace corps.

it’s amazing how much of what we tell ourselves is just utter rubbish. it’s just not true. not reality. it’s amazing how much there is to unpackage, if we slow down enough, and train our awareness and attention accordingly. i struggle with perfectionism. an inherent part of that struggle, is that i shame myself for failing to achieve what were unrealistic expectations to begin with. the cycle leads to a toxicity in vulnerability, due to the obstruction in self-expression. the underlying fears of not being worthy enough, the attachment to achievement as an inherent part of self-worth, the crippling impact it takes on me and those around me...i may have found my next rabbit hole.

[alternativememories]

“How do we forgive our fathers? Maybe in a dream. Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little? Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all? Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers? Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers? And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness? Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning? For shutting doors or speaking through walls? For never speaking, or never being silent? Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs? Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it. If we forgive our fathers, what is left?”

— Thomas Builds-the-Fire, Smoke Signals (Sherman Alexie)

[alternativememories]

i don't want to be afraid

i think he was afraid of his emotions and what he might do, such as the ways in which he might lash out in a burst of emotion, gone as quickly as it came, but the damage of its presence done. i don't think that understanding and communicating emotions were particularly thematic in her culture. therefore, we have never been the most transparent with one another in that regard.

the default is to bite the tongue, withdraw, determine a viable path forward, and proceed. while i don't necessary find that process terribly flawed, it is better than reacting emotionally or impulsively after all, i wish i could recognize what's going on more as it is happening, and communicate. it's just hard to talk about something you don't quite understand, you know?

[alternativememories]

real

i becoming more aware of how my childhood impacts my present. i’ve come to notice, and remember, that often as kids we were told, “don’t tell your mom!” or “don’t tell your dad!” there were always reasons for it. from what i’ve gathered so far, i think we generally didn’t tell mum things when pops wanted to surprise her; however, with dad, we usually conveniently forgot to communicate things with him when we were afraid of how he would react. especially with his having PTSD, he tends to react emotionally to things. he was never violent. but the bursts of emotion could be scary or nerve-wracking, especially as a child lacking the capacity to understand.

but i am increasingly seeing how that deeply-entrenched dynamic influences my adulthood. it is multifaceted. first, it makes me reluctant to communicate my needs or emotions, for fear of how they might be received. second, as i fail to communicate those needs or emotions, i begin to dismiss them as if they do not matter. as those things continually slide, it generally adds up until i burst or collapse. either all of those bottled up things come out all at once, or a cave in on myself and completely withdraw from everything. both are thematic. i would have those bursts continually through my mid-late teens, and it has since apparently transitioned to the collapse. i have noticed two complete shutdowns in adulthood, once in 2014-2015 and once in the fall of 2018. luckily, the latter was much shorter, likely due lesser substance use and a healthier environment.

in rereading the first paragraph, the dynamic where each parent would have us in cahoots against the other was a much more watered down version of them actually having me play mediator a couple years ago. it just makes me want to analyze the dynamic further, hmm...