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when i was in ninth grade i would lie on a school couch and listen to "is this it" for hours. not the album, just the song. even at fourteen i was dissatisfied with what i imagined my life was going to be. and now i'm okay with a bland future, and i really don't like that. i will likely attend state college where i will probably end up on a teaching path. to make ends meet i'll sell weed with my brothers, and bus back home a weekend a month. beyond that, i'll live in oregon for 50 more consecutive years.

even if it was only motivated by a strokesian fantasy, at least i still had daydreams and wanted things when i was fourteen. i was going to attend, like, nyu and have a cool rock and roll life in new york citttayyyyy. or some equivalent in some other global city. i assumed i grew out of that in a very natural way but now i realize i don't want anything and i should still want things at eighteen. i shouldn't view life as only a series of inevitabilities. 

and i've stopped doing things i enjoy, and isn't that why you start taking prozac anyways? have i looped around so that the symptoms of my disease are now the side effects of my control? i barely read anymore and i haven't gone to my museum volunteer shift in, like, full months. 

ugh, whatever. this belongs in my diary.

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x

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mostly i am just really embarrassed and ashamed because i was so adamant that my college stuff would get done and my parents didn't have to worry and it was all going to be up to me. and even though i still have a couple months to actually get it in that i couldn't do it in time for the initial dates is really embarrassingly indicative that i am way less functional than i believe myself to be. and mom and dad are going to take this as a very bad sign. 

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Mexicali BC, Mexico: “Dia de muertos” protest art in solidarity with migrant workers at the border with Calexico, California, November 1,  2009.

Photo: Revolutionary Autonomous Communities - LA

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As I swan dive into the estuary, the birds do not flinch at my fall They perch in the rafters, before, during, after: they do not notice me at all

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i had a really long talk with both my dad and my therapist and my dad/therapist at the same time about missing deadlines but a few of my college apps were due today and they're not even started a ha

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looking for pg-13 movies with a mixed race cast for a school sleepover (don't ask). only now am i realizing how screwy equal representation is in hollywood????? if there IS a black girl she's never the protagonist. i even consulted some imdb "girly sleepover!!" lists and lemme say people have terrible taste, how to lose a guy in 10 days is universally named and that movie SUCKED.

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but the thing is if i did it all over again i would still choose to go to this particular emotional vacuum bc showering is 100% optional

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Ponyo

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i have been in my school three times this week and i swear to god i am already writing notes for my therapist to up my dosage. even walking down the hallway is SOUL AGONY.

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"It’s weird to look down and go, ‘Yeah, I’m 42, and I’m in a world that doesn’t really think it’s very normal to be single, not have any kids and be a straight American woman in her 40s.’ It’s like, ‘Are you crazy? Why don’t you have these things?’ I had to go through all of my personal paperwork and go, ‘I really did choose that. I own it.’”

Neko Case photographed by Emily Shur [x]

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i would make such a great witch

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 We make noise not clothes