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Grieving the love you haven't lost

You can sense when something no longer works. I’ve loved this person for a year, but we’ve reached a point where I have to ask myself if this is truly where I want to be—and if staying might hurt him more than leaving. We love each other, but perhaps my love for him differs from his love for me. We’re two people at different stages in our lives, trying to make this relationship work against the odds.

He plans to leave the country, while I plan to stay. He’s asked me to wait—5 to 6 years—before he’s ready to take the next step in our relationship, as he’s focused on building his career. But I’m at a stage where I’m ready for that next step: starting a family and building a life with my partner. From the beginning, our relationship felt precarious, especially with our reversed age gap. He’s much younger than I am, and I’m at a point where I need stability and to start building something more grounded in my life.

The void within me grows daily, consuming me little by little, and I’ve come to the point where I need to confront both myself and him with the reality of our situation. I told him I can’t wait that long because neither of us can promise something so uncertain. The saddest part is, none of this is his fault. He’s young, with his whole life ahead of him, while I’m nearing the end of this chapter and ready to move on to the next.

It’s a strange and painful feeling—grieving a relationship that hasn’t yet ended, knowing the end is inevitable while still being together. We spend each day as if nothing is changing, but deep down, I think he knows. The day will come—it’s just a matter of time. I’ve told him that my door isn’t entirely closed—that if he ever finds a middle ground for us and isn’t set on making me wait so long, there could still be a chance. But deep down, I think we both know the answer will still be no. And so will mine.

I’m only getting older, and I want marriage, a family, and most importantly, children. He’s far too young to fully understand that right now, and it’s not his fault. He’s still learning and growing, with so much life ahead of him. I truly wish him the best and hope he finds someone who’s the perfect match for him, even if that person isn’t me.

I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me for ending this. I’m letting go and choosing to focus on myself. I’ll let the universe guide me, and if we’re meant to be together, we’ll find our way back to each other someday.  I love you, I’m sorry. 

Here’s to grieving the love that hasn’t been lost yet.

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Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, from a letter to Jane Williams written in February 1823, featured in The Letters of Mary Shelley

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"i wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time."

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Made in Hong Kong (Fruit Chang, 1997)

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you go kitty

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Pumpkin Season 🎃

Set in the same tiny house as my other 4 paintings~

My dream house built from salvaged windows, modeled in Sketchup

Bonus pumpkin murderer

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I'm still here lol sorry

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Today is the last day to get a Bloom Book! Thank you so much for all the love and support so far :)

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Pre save the bloom book kickstarter!

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source: motherthemountain

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